Trust Issues...

[AlteredEgo]

This is not a trust issue. That's just straight up disrespect. I better never catch a man going through my phone. (Answering it, either.) That'll be the day.

I also believe this: If you want someone's trust, you must wholly give them yours, and keep reinforcing your trustworthiness. One way I (as someone with scores of male friends, and friendly male associates) do this, is to introduce my man as my man at all times, to encourage him to hang out with me and my friends as a group, and really see our dynamic. I don't ignore a call that comes in without telling him why. (If I'm not available for calls, my phone doeesn't even ring.) I don't rush off to take calls in private. And I enjoy sharing the details of my life with my man. (When I have one :wink You can guess from my posts I'm sure that people never wonder where they stand with me. It's just one more reason for people to know they can trust me.

My ex was a cheater, and deep down, I think I knew that. I would ask him to tell me about his day, he would get tight-lipped. I'd never again be able to trust someone who didn't want to talk about his day. Or someone who wanted to spend time with my female friends without me. Or someone who accepts late-night calls from other women. These things would upset me, and if the tables were turned, i'd expect a man to be bothered by the reverse situation.

Did you have any of those things going on? Do remember, even if you did, homegirl crossed the line and utterly disrespected you. Still, it never hurts to examine oneself.

 

[B_big dirigible]

I know this has the potential to be an awful like the thread about what women want to hear in bed over in Women's Issues insofar as everyone has differing opinions, but I'd really like the views on this:

My view is - you had a close call with a whack job.

They're all like that to a degree, but at some point it becomes a pathology, and it sounds like maybe that one's past that point.

Consider yourself lucky to have escaped.

 

[AlteredEgo]

My view is - you had a close call with a whack job.

They're all like that to a degree, but at some point it becomes a pathology, and it sounds like maybe that one's past that point.

Consider yourself lucky to have escaped.

We are?

 

[D_Elijah_MorganWood]

I tried the long distance thing. Awful.
I find with age this jealousy thing tends to dissipate. There are exceptions. I hate to pull the age card but every relationship I had under 30 had this problem. I've found something interesting...it seems people have "jealousy chemistry (or lack thereof). Let me explain. My ex was a slut. I could never prove it, I just knew. The only times I found out was when he told me. His life was a mystery. When I did laundry there were always phone numbers in the pockets. There were lots of things. I caught him going through my phone and computer many times. I went crazy jealous because I never knew a thing. He turned out to be a class A sociopath but I dirgress...my current BF has NEVER aroused more than a twinge of passing jelousy. Partly because he's a good guy but I believe the rest is just chemistry. We click together and have no reason to be jealous. Also, when someone is crazy jealous, you might check between HER legs to see where she's been, so to speak.

 

[TylerDurden]

Bronx - I'll admit to not taking calls when I was out with her, but I always told her who it was and why I thought they were calling. The best thing I can think of is that, since I'm not a jealous person by nature, I had a hard time understanding where that emotion was coming from.

The perfect example - we went out dancing on a Friday night, and I wanted to sit a few out. She said fine, and I told her to keep dancing with one of the other guys there if she wanted to - it wouldn't worry me. She got upset, but all I had meant was that "you came here with me, you're going home with me - why should I worry about the guys if we care/love each other?"

 

[mintjulep]

Zora hit the nail on the head. Will add MO........most guys who want a woman who is not jealous and secure can't handle the strength of that woman. You can't have your cake and ice cream too. I used to go through boyfriends by the dozens. They broke it off with me. They couldn't handle my independence and security. I've recently been with same man for 15 years. I finally caved and let go of some of that independence to satisfy him, and guess what, I've become insecure and jealous myself, never would have believed it, but I know what has happened, can see it plain as the light of day. So, my goal is to get back to being more independent and self sufficient and gain back my self respect. We actually got along much better when he complained about my seemingly-to-him nonchalant attitude.

 

[madame_zora]

Ah, I'm gonna like you.

You're too mature for your own good, and it will cause you problems with girls, and people in genreal for a while. Actually, most people never really "mature" so you're in a select few already.

Oh yea Zora, I forgot to mention the "getting jealous about watching porn" point you brought up...actually I can believe it, as my ex did get extremely pissed off when she found porn on my computer. I didn't understand why at the time, but after reading your explanation I can totally understand it!

It's like was already said, she think she should be EVERYTHING to you, and I mean every fucking thing. She should be your only female friend, you should trust her more than your mother, you should never even cast a glance at another woman, and never, ever, ever touch your own dick without thinking solely of her. Some girls are even jealous if you masturbate at all, regardless of who you're thinking about. It's just stupid.

And we do all this whining about equality! ha!

You aren't, say, some genius in hiding who spends her days solving global issues and her nights online solving interpersonal ones for others?

Now you made me crack up. As a matter of fact, I'm a crazy lady with too much time on her hands in the middle of the night. Insomnia sucks, me and the real Tyler Durden are friends.

 

[TylerDurden]

Really now - see, I thought I had seen you at fight club last weekend, but I wasn't sure....you're the one who owned the thin bottle-tanned blonde, right?



b.c. - I'm not quite sure what you mean...like if I had suspected her of cheating, or if she had serious guy friends? For the first, I would have sat her down at the first hint I had and had an open heart-to-heart convo about it. For the second - I'm secure and confident in myself and the fact that I'm an alright guy/catch, so no, I'm not jealous or insecure if a woman has guy friends. If I'm with her I trust her - if I didn't, I wouldn't be dating her.

 

[b.c.]

Really now - see, I thought I had seen you at fight club last weekend, but I wasn't sure....you're the one who owned the thin bottle-tanned blonde, right?



b.c. - I'm not quite sure what you mean...like if I had suspected her of cheating, or if she had serious guy friends? For the first, I would have sat her down at the first hint I had and had an open heart-to-heart convo about it. For the second - I'm secure and confident in myself and the fact that I'm an alright guy/catch, so no, I'm not jealous or insecure if a woman has guy friends. If I'm with her I trust her - if I didn't, I wouldn't be dating her.

Cool. But just because you're that way doesn't necessarily mean that she has to be that way too. Of course, searching your cell phone and deleting numbers is WAY "out the box" because the next step is going thru your wallet, pockets, listening to conversations on another phone line, etc.

But I think you'd be exceptionally fortunate to find that rare woman who doesn't mind you still having (and moreso, keeping in contact with) a lot of close female friends. If you plan on getting seriously committed to someone, I think one has to consider having to give up some things they may have done while single. Too often two people get together with the idea of "meeting each other half way". No such thing. You both have to go in there prepared to go way more than "half way" and with luck, hopefully find a middle ground. Ahhh, but what do I know?

Good luck dude.

 

[SurferGirlCA]

There are so many other issues tied into the whole trust thing. As MZ so eloquently pointed out, self-esteem is just one of them. There are people who seem to walk through life with a dark cloud hovering overhead, convinced that no one could possibly like them for any length of time. If your ex had a less-than-healthy opinion of herself, that is going to play out in all her relationships, friends or more than friends. If she's been burned in a relationship before (maybe due in part to those self-esteem problems), that only makes it worse. Of course, people DO cheat, and it makes it harder to extend yourself to someone the next time out. There's a great line in an Aimee Mann song... "As much as I would like to stay, your message light just blinks away, and while I'm here you won't push Play."

 

[jackM50black]

Yeah, I can make heads and tails of it. The girl is a control freak.. don't be surprised though 'cause thats what I see a lot of straight guys with.. women who simply must crontrol them and change 'em to make the man her own. Glad you got your balls back.

 

[TylerDurden]

Thanks to everyone who's gave their proverbial "2 cents" about this, I really appreciate it. As the emotions from the breakup cool down and some logic comes into it, I can see her side of things a bit more clearly...but it doesn't make me want to go back. She crossed a line by going through my phone, and the best way to look at it is "well, one more down - we had a great time, and now i'm one woman closer to my dream gal "

Oh, btw - I was thinking about the monogamy thing....although we may fit into it more later in life, somehow I just can't see young people fitting into it comfortably. It just seems as though there are way too many potential mates around to just saddle up with one, wait a few months, saddle up with another, etc etc etc....couple this with an almost disturbing trend of girls my age to believe that after one date you're at item, and it's little wonder why so many men and women cheat. Any thoughts?