Truth About American Marriage

[meerin]

But what about the opposite? There are plenty of guys that aren't giving their very willing wives any lovin'.

 

[Jovial]

Here is my theory. There are two reasons women like sex. The first is because they like the feeling of being wanted and pleasing their partner. The second is because it actually feels good physically. The first reason seems to be more important to young women. Many men end up marrying the women that like sex for the first reason. For the women it's all about getting the guy to tie the knot. After kids come along and the woman gets older, the first reason isn't as important to her. For sex to be good for her, the man needs to put more effort into it; just wanting to have sex with her isn't enough anymore. And this is when the men start complaining that their wife doesn't like sex anymore.

I admit my theory is not based on personal experience, but only on observations.

 

[ManlyBanisters]

I believe it. I don't understand it, but I believe it. Just look at how many people are very out of shape.

I don't understand what that has to do with it. 'Out of shape' people don't have sex?

Believe the statistics. Seems like many women have their kids, and they pretty much turn their sex drive completely off.

You make it sound like it is more common than not (not true) and that they do it on purpose (also not true).

But what about the opposite? There are plenty of guys that aren't giving their very willing wives any lovin'.

Yes - I believe it does cut both ways.

Here is my theory. There are two reasons women like sex. The first is because they like the feeling of being wanted and pleasing their partner. The second is because it actually feels good physically. The first reason seems to be more important to young women. Many men end up marrying the women that like sex for the first reason. For the women it's all about getting the guy to tie the knot. After kids come along and the woman gets older, the first reason isn't as important to her. For sex to be good for her, the man needs to put more effort into it; just wanting to have sex with her isn't enough anymore. And this is when the men start complaining that their wife doesn't like sex anymore.

I admit my theory is not based on personal experience, but only on observations.

Where to start... I think you have your 'reasons' the wrong way round - most women (I mean a big majority) I have spoken to, or read the thoughts of, have sex because they like it. I don't see how you extract the feeling of being wanted from the pleasure aspect of sex. A few women I have known have liked sex and also used it to get what they want (whatever that is). I have read of a few women who don't enjoy sex but still use it to get what they want - but I have never met one.

Maybe you have observed what you have observed because society (US society moreso than European, but both to one extent or another) makes women feel guilty about enjoying sex so, when asked, women rationalise their pleasure with 'I like feeling wanted' rather than 'I love having a cock in my cunt' - whereas in fact both statements are probably equally true.

Do you really believe that women use sex to "[get] the guy to tie the knot"? I mean is that what you have observed in the majority of cases? I find that very hard to believe - I know a lot of guys believe that and I know a lot of girls believe they should not 'give it up' (I hate that expression) unless they get commitment level x from the guy - but that stand off is a culturally imposed false position - it doesn't have any bearings on people's actually desires and needs. Why do I think that? Because so many people go against it, if it was natural then there would be a lot less variation from the 'norm'.

Now - to the bit about kids and getting older. It is both my personal experience and my observation of friends and relatives that women's sex drives increase as they get older - not that they decline. When the kids come along priorities do change - sex becomes no less important, but it can become more difficult to do freely and other things have to take precedence. Women do become very baby focussed in the first year of their children's lives - men may have a hard time finding the place where sex can happen - both the man and the woman need to work on that - responsibility is equal. Re-establishing sexual rapport in that year is vital - patterns are very hard to break. But I think that guys have a hard time getting the balance right between giving their partner the room she needs and letting her know she's still desireable. And women need to be aware that their partner might be having issues too. Men and women really need to meet in the middle on this one.

Of course the culturally imposed notion that men always want it and women get to 'give it up' really does not help. If both parties can be aware that each has their own desires and needs to be met, and that the give and take works both ways, then I believe these issues would be far more easily resolved.

 

[Jovial]

I don't understand what that has to do with it. 'Out of shape' people don't have sex?

Believe it or not, in general people in good shape turn other people on more than out of shape people. I was saying part of the reason is one or both partners get out of shape over time. Also, it must become more difficult to have sex or have the energy to have sex if someone is out of shape.

Where to start... I think you have your 'reasons' the wrong way round - most women (I mean a big majority) I have spoken to, or read the thoughts of, have sex because they like it. I don't see how you extract the feeling of being wanted from the pleasure aspect of sex. A few women I have known have liked sex and also used it to get what they want (whatever that is). I have read of a few women who don't enjoy sex but still use it to get what they want - but I have never met one.

Maybe you have observed what you have observed because society (US society moreso than European, but both to one extent or another) makes women feel guilty about enjoying sex so, when asked, women rationalise their pleasure with 'I like feeling wanted' rather than 'I love having a cock in my cunt' - whereas in fact both statements are probably equally true.

Do you really believe that women use sex to "[get] the guy to tie the knot"? I mean is that what you have observed in the majority of cases? I find that very hard to believe - I know a lot of guys believe that and I know a lot of girls believe they should not 'give it up' (I hate that expression) unless they get commitment level x from the guy - but that stand off is a culturally imposed false position - it doesn't have any bearings on people's actually desires and needs. Why do I think that? Because so many people go against it, if it was natural then there would be a lot less variation from the 'norm'.

Yes, I believe many women will put up with less than great sex and not complain to keep the guy around. They want the fairy tale marriage, etc. They won't stay with someone they hate, but they will settle for less. Maybe it's because their biological clock is ticking faster than men's.


In my last post, I was trying to explain the fact that many people get married and end up not having sex a few years later. And I've thought about this for a long time. My theory was based on many things I've noticed, read and heard throughout the years.

For example, recently I heard that many teenage girls have sex to keep their boyfriends rather than actually wanting to have sex. So girls learn that they have to put out to have a boyfriend or else he will just go to another girl. And many teenage girls can't stand to be the one girl without a boyfriend because she'll get teased by other girls about that, or at least feel out of place. So it becomes a game of the girls trying to keep the boys and the boys knowing this and trying to pressure them for sex. The boys know they don't have to worry about her actual physical pleasure to keep her around.

I think these boys get older into their 20's and get married and expect things to be the same. But as the girls get older they start to want more from sex. But this wasn't what the boys "signed up for." They expected it to be the girl giving him sex whenever he wanted it. Then they come here and complain, wondering why their wife doesn't want sex anymore.

 

[MalakingTiti]

but 69% must have sex more than once a month and in the same survey 27% answered "at least a few times per week"

I'm in the 27% so what can say?

 

[D_Drew Peacock]

What an excellent thread! Thanks for the thoughtful and well written comments.

I don't know about the study, and I am with the man who said there are lies, damned lies and then statistics. One can swing a study many ways by choice of subjects and by wording the questions and other things.

My experience is my own and it may not apply to anyone else. On the other hand, my experience is all I have to share, unless I design my own study and unless I can be careful enough and skilled enough to design a study that is meaningful instead of slanted to get the results I am after.

My wife and I married not that young, in our mid twenties, and we were both virgins until our wedding night. We were each our only partners. We got going, we read a lot of books together and we had 3 beautiful boys. Of course her drive dropped when the babies were small, as is normal. Nursing and all the other tasks involved take a lot of energy. I understand that and it is fine, I am a father and my boys are VERY important to me, to us both.

But I am not content with our sex life. Our pattern is that I "put out" for her. The fact is that women DO need more input for sex to be good for them, and I have learned that for sex to be good means I have to do the work. I do the foreplay to warm her up until she is ready. When she decides she is ready, I "get it over with" and shoot my load into her, and then get back to the work of giving her one or (often) more orgasms. Then we are done and I often feel let-down. By then I am tired and just glad to go to sleep with my balls drained. I would like to be pleasured. I would like a second orgasm, but she does NOT do oral, thinks it is "yucky," and thinks giving a hand job is demeaning too.

So I am one of those people who settle. I get what I get and I am glad to get something, but there is the feeling that I wish there was more.

Worse of all, I tried to change this over the years and have given up. She won't change after 26 years. 4 years ago I got approached by someone who wanted to give me more. I am ashamed to say that I had a brief affair. I cut it off, and tried to move on, but the "other woman" revealed the affair and destroyed my career and my life as it was. Now I am left picking up the shattered pieces and cleaning up the blood.

Sex is a 3 letter word for frustration. Therapists side with one or the other and don't help.

I need to leave this forum as it just feeds the frustration and I don't need that.

 

[ManlyBanisters]

Believe it or not, in general people in good shape turn other people on more than out of shape people. I was saying part of the reason is one or both partners get out of shape over time. Also, it must become more difficult to have sex or have the energy to have sex if someone is out of shape.

Both my personal experience and anecdotal evidence from close friends and relatives do not follow that shallow logic. I'm not calling you shallow, Jovial. I'm just saying I know loads of couples who are what I believe you would class as out of shape who have fantastic sex lives. Now, maybe I have your definition of out of shape wrong - if you mean 'wash themselves with a rag on a stick' out of shape then yeah, I can see your point about energy. But if you are talking about someone carrying, say, at least an extra 40 or 50lbs (most people would consider that out of shape too, I'm thinking) then you are completely wrong.

In my personal circle of friends and relatives I can think of more 'in-shape' couples who complain of poor sexual relations and more 'out of shape' couples who say they have great sex lives.

I'm sure what you are talking about does happen - but I think it is a lot less of a factor than you think.

 

[D_N Flay Table]

This post reminds me of that old joke:

"What food will totally and completely kill a womans libido forever?

--- Wedding cake"


haha

but seriously.

If I were married to someone that Wouldn't touch me, or the site of me naked made them sick, it would really be time to move on...
You cannot change people, and when you have been with someone for a long time, and you have children, it would seem to me that communication would be more important then ever.
If you want things to heat up in the bed room, you have to have everything else in order.
money stress can kill the mood real quick,
Children can get in the way of privacy at times, but thats what quickies are for.
not to mention that a job can really throw a wrench in things.. if both partners are working, as is what is typical in this day, putting in 40+ hours a week can be exhausting.

I find that if you start taking a woman for granted she will start turning off,
so here is a simple solution to put the 'zowzers back in your trousers"

1. communicate with her, and actually listen. and that means communicate in HER style. not yours.

2. make her feel special and sexy, EVERY day.. little notes on her car, or put a little hand written note in her makeup bag, so when she opens it, she gets a little smile. all it has to say is "your beautiful"... you would be surprised.

3. Help out with stuff around the house when you can..

4. stay in shape, and if she has let herself go, gently encourage her to join you in activities.

5. Cook for her.

6. MAKE THE BED.. that one is very important.. it is one less thing to think about when you get in to the bed room.

7. light a god damned candle, and throw on her favorite movie, and just snuggle with her, maybe a foot rub?

8. txt her during the day with sexy little sayings... let her know that you are thinking of her.

9. talk about HER.

10. and the most important, never ever say.. "it has been X days since we have had sex"
you will make her feel like sex is a chore, sometimes they like to be the ones that get the ball rolling so to speak...

well... that is just a few ideas that I have found help..

I find that the only time I get turned down, is if I am totally shitfaced...
but I can understand that...
HOpe that helps
D

 

[Nala]

But what about the opposite? There are plenty of guys that aren't giving their very willing wives any lovin'.

QFT!

They're all willing during 'hunting season', but once you're 'his' the sex often fades out. :frown1:

 

[Notaguru2]

When things such as jobs, stress, children and illness come about, yes sex falls to the way side. With the aging population of peoples parents and the added stress of jobs and raising children, it's no wonder that rates of sex drops. There is just other things to put your mind to other than sex.

QFT. The wife and I only get "together" once or twice a month. We've got the kids, work and particularly I go to school at night working on a degree. There's a lot of stress to around.

I guess I put too much emphasis on the lack of sex, but I deal with it. I tried the fling thing and hooked up a few times with other married women, but that just hurt my wife (obviously) and didn't change things. So, I just deal with it the best that I can.

Just focus in other areas that bring you joy.

 

[Jovial]

My wife and I married not that young, in our mid twenties, and we were both virgins until our wedding night. We were each our only partners. We got going, we read a lot of books together and we had 3 beautiful boys. Of course her drive dropped when the babies were small, as is normal. Nursing and all the other tasks involved take a lot of energy. I understand that and it is fine, I am a father and my boys are VERY important to me, to us both.

But I am not content with our sex life. Our pattern is that I "put out" for her. The fact is that women DO need more input for sex to be good for them, and I have learned that for sex to be good means I have to do the work. I do the foreplay to warm her up until she is ready. When she decides she is ready, I "get it over with" and shoot my load into her, and then get back to the work of giving her one or (often) more orgasms. Then we are done and I often feel let-down. By then I am tired and just glad to go to sleep with my balls drained. I would like to be pleasured. I would like a second orgasm, but she does NOT do oral, thinks it is "yucky," and thinks giving a hand job is demeaning too.

Thanks for the story. This is an argument for not waiting until getting married to have sex. Although many couples have good sex before the marriage and kids and it still gets bad later. It sounds like you wife is selfish and doesn't realize it. She doesn't appreciate the effort you have to put into sex to please her at your own expense. I guess you can look on the bright side. You have 3 beautiful boys that you like. Many people would give up some sex to be able to have a family like that.

 

[B_bi_mmf]

Parents discouraged about your sex life: Keep the faith.

Once the children are finally out of the house and on their own, whole new sexual horizons may open up. My wife often found it difficult to totally lose herself in sex when the kids were in the house. Once they went off to college, we rediscovered the intensity of our early relationship. In fact, we experimented with things that we had never done even in our wild kinky youth. It has just gotten hotter and hotter.

For example, this past weekend, my wife and I had three encounters that were absolutely incredible. Raw, crazed sex. And we have been married for 40 fucking years.

Our sex is also intensified for me when we talk about our wilder exploits, which include a variety of hot threesomes with straight and bi men.

Maybe our situation is very unusual. It is hard to judge. But if a marriage was originally based on mutual desire and respect, with sex being more than just a means for manipulating one or the other, then hopefully that endures.

Sometimes the changes of menopause mess up a woman's libido. If so, she should consult her gynocologist.

 

[BigDikkedGuy]

god when..wait scatch that if I get married i will be having sex at least once a week I am way to horny to not have some dick at least 5 times a month

 

[marleyisalegend]

QFT!

They're all willing during 'hunting season', but once you're 'his' the sex often fades out. :frown1:

Amen, they enjoy chasing you more than they enjoy having you. Then once they have you, other prospects catch their eye more than you do.

 

[art]

Maybe they don't remember how to have sex.

 

[javyn]

Plz link an article if it exists online. Thanks.

 

[silvertriumph2]

A very interesting article in the Sunday, September 21, 2008 Parade Magazine.

Under the topic of sex the report indicated that 31 percent of married people have sex less than once a month.

I simply can not believe this statistic. What do others here at LPSG think?

I tried to find the Magazine which comes with my newspaper, but it had already been thrown out. I'm not a big Parade Magazine lover, so I usually only skim through it.

I don't really believe it either, since I would imagine that 31% is probably a bit high.
Those who have sex infrequently, probably have many good reasons for their not
doing so more often (I can think of many). I don't know where Parade got their stats
or information, since I do not have the article for reference, however, I usually don't
hold much stock in magazine surveys or polls.

However, what about the other 69%? (a nice number, btw!) What was said about
their sexual practice? I would like to know what was said about them.

If those 69% are having frequent sex, that I would believe if it were 3 or 4 tiimes
a week, or even daily or more!
If it is any indication from the moans, groans, squeals, Oh Yeahs!, harder! harder!,
Oh I'm cuming! (and I can go on forever explaining them) that I hear coming from
the other apartments in my building and the other buildings around me....sex is quite
often and not infrequent. It is especially obvioius during the summer when many
windows are open, but I can hear it all year around, 24/7. Now the sounds may be
coming from vids being played to loudly, but I doubt it.

 

[silvertriumph2]

A very interesting article in the Sunday, September 21, 2008 Parade Magazine.

Under the topic of sex the report indicated that 31 percent of married people have sex less than once a month.

I simply can not believe this statistic. What do others here at LPSG think?

Maybe 31% of the married people are old?

Sorry Gl3nn, but that is a complete fallacy!
Being old has nothing to do with your sex drive. I think you
would be surprised at how active they are.

I did volunteer work with a group that handed out condoms
to the elderly, due to the rising numbers of STD, HIV and AIDS
in that group. We visited Senior Citizen Centers, Retirement
Homes, Assisted Living Faclities, housing projects where older
peope live, and clubs that cater to the older crowd, especially
older men. They grabbed at them like we were giving out candy.
Both men and women!!! I guess giving out comdoms helped to
opened them up, since I got plenty of offers and proposals! :wink:

I spoke to a few of the directors of the Retirement Homes and
Assisted Living facilities, and was told that it sometimes was
difficult to keep the men and women apart....losts of sneaking
around at night (and even in the daytime), and in and out of
rooms. They thanked us for providing the condoms since most
of the seniors had little opportunity to purchase them...or couldn't
afford them.

 

[Drifterwood]

More group sex - get friends to share the arousal burden, and everyone makes more effort when there are others around. :wink: