trying to fix my car.

D

deleted556573

Guest
Being nice is saying "pardon me, would you like some help?" and then move along if she says no.

Being an aggressive savage is coming along and saying "hey there little lady, let me do this, after all this is a man's job." and then refusing to let them do anything and possibly making more problems for the car.

I offer help to both men and women but move along if they decline. If they accept the help, I leave them in charge giving me instructions along the way since it is their car.

This is how I handle these types of situations as well. I never get invasive. If he/she declines my offer, I simply move on.
 

petite

Expert Member
Joined
Mar 3, 2010
Posts
7,199
Media
2
Likes
146
Points
208
Sexuality
No Response
Gender
Female
at the risk of sounding horribly patronising here... society leaves a lot of men short of opportunities to feel like real men. that is, strong, protective, chivalrous and adept at certain manly tasks. i see it less as a disbelief in my ability to take care of myself and more as a hardwired desire to to fulfil the real man role. men seem to glow when they're being warmly thanked for that.

Interesting. I hadn't thought of it that way. In a way, that's similar to the reason why I would be offended if a man acted like cutting down trees was a "man's job" especially since with a power tool that is light enough for me to handle, mine's electric so there isn't even a gas tank, I consider the field leveled between me and a man, and having overcome my fears about using such a potentially dangerous and powerful tool and knowing how to use it properly and well and tackling jobs that are larger than I'm expected to accomplish is something that makes me feel proud of myself.

I hadn't considered whether or not doing those sorts of things for myself could be taking away a man's source of fulfillment, though. I just talked to TheBoyfriend about it and we talked about the difference between having one's masculinity threatened and doing something that makes you feel more fulfilled as a man, there is certainly a difference. He said that it's nearly impossible to threaten his masculinity, which I agree with, and that fulfillment for him comes from his many leisure activities that are the kind of sports that "real men" and "tough men" do. Boxing, for one example. Getting punched in the face and laughing it off is something he actually likes to do for fun. Of course, there are some women who do that kind of thing, too, so I can see how women are encroaching. A friend of his is in a mixed martial arts group that went to a tournament and he returned with tales of how this one young tough woman kicked everyone's asses. TheBoyfriend says that it doesn't threaten him or reduce his level of satisfaction. Besides, he thinks that it's hot. :tongue:

Slightly OT, but my job is male dominated and I sometimes run across guys who will try to do everything for me. On the flip side there are those who will stand back when they would've helped a guy without being asked, because they get a kick out of it when I occasionally struggle with the physical aspects of a 'man's job' and they want me to have to ask for help. Personally, I find the latter far more offensive than the former.

Yeah, that is offensive. Like I said before, I really don't think that there are different rules for men and women. If you wouldn't act like a man needed your help because he doesn't know what he's doing, then that's the wrong tactic to use with a woman, but if you'd ask a man if he needed a hand just because that's the polite thing to do, then you should probably ask a woman, too. TheBoyfriend always helps people who are struggling to carry large things down the sidewalk, and it doesn't matter what gender they are, he just sees a person struggling who could use a hand. Men who wouldn't offer to help just because it's a woman are misogynistic jerks, and I've run across those guys, too.
 

Kotchanski

Expert Member
Joined
Jul 30, 2006
Posts
2,850
Media
10
Likes
104
Points
193
Location
England (United Kingdom)
Sexuality
Unsure
Gender
Female
alx,

Not meaning to be rude, and certainly not meaning to offend, but to my reading at least, you've contradicted yourself and appear to be trying to come across as what you perceive to be desired by others...

In your first post, your words were "physical labour" "dirty work" "man's thing to sort" and finished it by proclaiming that you wouldn't want a woman close to you doing it, for their own well being.

Now based on those words, you helping me wouldn't end well. That isn't negative thinking, that is me having prior knowledge of the thinking that went on prior to the offer. Thinking which I find offensive.

If however, you'd posted much like in your following posts, or had been a complete stranger, my husband, father or friend, I'd have made no assumptions on it aside from you trying to help out... Unless of course you all but shoved me out the way and took over completely when I was already doing fine.
 

hsarge

Sexy Member
Joined
Nov 5, 2009
Posts
1,184
Media
0
Likes
36
Points
73
Location
PA
Sexuality
100% Straight, 0% Gay
Gender
Male
I was just kidding. I loved tinkering with autos, and 50's and 60's British roadsters really required constant tinkering. Today with all the electronics, you need a computer not a wrench to work on cars.
 

dolfette

Expert Member
Joined
Nov 13, 2006
Posts
11,303
Media
0
Likes
108
Points
193
Sexuality
No Response
I hadn't considered whether or not doing those sorts of things for myself could be taking away a man's source of fulfillment, though.
it's not true of all men but it's certainly true of some.
my ex was one of those types and it took me a while to figure it out properly. being the one who fixes things is part of his identity as a man.
now i'm fairly good at recognising it.
 

alx

Sexy Member
Joined
Feb 24, 2010
Posts
1,024
Media
0
Likes
60
Points
73
Sexuality
100% Straight, 0% Gay
Gender
Male
alx,

Not meaning to be rude, and certainly not meaning to offend, but to my reading at least, you've contradicted yourself and appear to be trying to come across as what you perceive to be desired by others...

In your first post, your words were "physical labour" "dirty work" "man's thing to sort" and finished it by proclaiming that you wouldn't want a woman close to you doing it, for their own well being.

Now based on those words, you helping me wouldn't end well. That isn't negative thinking, that is me having prior knowledge of the thinking that went on prior to the offer. Thinking which I find offensive.

If however, you'd posted much like in your following posts, or had been a complete stranger, my husband, father or friend, I'd have made no assumptions on it aside from you trying to help out... Unless of course you all but shoved me out the way and took over completely when I was already doing fine.

Yes, you are right in that I wouldn't want my close female friends/family doing overly physical labour or dirty work.
I am not saying they CANNOT, I am saying in my view I would prefer it/make me happier if they would leave it to me. I personally think that they are better than that, and that their time could be spent doing things that they actually enjoy.
If they do enjoy hard laboring and dirty jobs then they are welcome to them. I however have never come across a time where they have chosen laboring jobs and dirty work over another activity.

So no I dont think I am contradicting myself, I may have not fully explained myself however. Hopefully the above is more explanatory, my bad.
 

dolfette

Expert Member
Joined
Nov 13, 2006
Posts
11,303
Media
0
Likes
108
Points
193
Sexuality
No Response
Yes, you are right in that I wouldn't want my close female friends/family doing overly physical labour or dirty work.
I am not saying they CANNOT, I am saying in my view I would prefer it/make me happier if they would leave it to me. I personally think that they are better than that, and that their time could be spent doing things that they actually enjoy.
If they do enjoy hard laboring and dirty jobs then they are welcome to them. I however have never come across a time where they have chosen laboring jobs and dirty work over another activity.

So no I dont think I am contradicting myself, I may have not fully explained myself however. Hopefully the above is more explanatory, my bad.
would it be fair to say you're the type of guy i described?
 

petite

Expert Member
Joined
Mar 3, 2010
Posts
7,199
Media
2
Likes
146
Points
208
Sexuality
No Response
Gender
Female
it's not true of all men but it's certainly true of some.
my ex was one of those types and it took me a while to figure it out properly. being the one who fixes things is part of his identity as a man.
now i'm fairly good at recognising it.

Yeah, there are some men like that. I could indulge a man like that in the situation you described earlier, but in a relationship, I wouldn't have patience for that and I think I'd end up rolling my eyes a lot. It wouldn't work out.

TheBoyfriend has never suggested that I shouldn't use a chainsaw or that he should do it instead of me, but he's not the kind of guy who thinks like that, and it never occurred to me to ask him to do it instead of me. He's the kind of guy who thinks River Song is sexiest when she's kicking ass and who loves it when women do nontraditional things like welding or robotics or fixing cars.
 
Last edited:

dolfette

Expert Member
Joined
Nov 13, 2006
Posts
11,303
Media
0
Likes
108
Points
193
Sexuality
No Response
Yeah, there are some men like that. I could indulge a man like that in the situation you described earlier, but in a relationship, I wouldn't have patience for that and I think I'd end up rolling my eyes a lot. It wouldn't work out.

TheBoyfriend has never suggested that I shouldn't use a chainsaw or that he should do it instead of me, but he's not the kind of guy who thinks like that, and it never occurred to me to ask him to do it instead of me. He's the kind of guy who thinks River Song is sexiest when she's kicking ass and who loves it when women do nontraditional things like welding or robotics or fixing cars.
there's a difference between thinking he should do it and thinking you shouldn't. one is that feel good act of giving and the other is insulting.

i have plenty of eye roll inducing traits of my own. everyone does. this particular eye roll inducing trait is one i can live with without feeling insult or resentment. in some guys it's quite sweet.
 

Kotchanski

Expert Member
Joined
Jul 30, 2006
Posts
2,850
Media
10
Likes
104
Points
193
Location
England (United Kingdom)
Sexuality
Unsure
Gender
Female
Yes, you are right in that I wouldn't want my close female friends/family doing overly physical labour or dirty work.
I am not saying they CANNOT, I am saying in my view I would prefer it/make me happier if they would leave it to me. I personally think that they are better than that, and that their time could be spent doing things that they actually enjoy.
If they do enjoy hard laboring and dirty jobs then they are welcome to them. I however have never come across a time where they have chosen laboring jobs and dirty work over another activity.

So no I dont think I am contradicting myself, I may have not fully explained myself however. Hopefully the above is more explanatory, my bad.

See now this is the problem with the internet!

In real life, when someone says something that sounds perfect in their head, but offensive when it comes out of their mouth, you can use facial expressions and their general behavior to draw conclusions before potentially smacking them in the mouth.

Here though, what sounds like a really nice thing with your prior knowledge of what it's meant to mean, can sound terrible to someone without it.

Yes, you've explained yourself much better and with that, not contradictory at all... Though I could still pick holes in it if I were so inclined, I'm not, and since you're not my husband, I have no need to make you jump through hoops to convince me, I can just take you at your word! :smile:
 

redz_rule

Sexy Member
Joined
Jun 7, 2011
Posts
2,221
Media
0
Likes
30
Points
73
Sexuality
No Response
I am not saying they CANNOT, I am saying in my view I would prefer it/make me happier if they would leave it to me. I personally think that they are better than that, and that their time could be spent doing things that they actually enjoy.
If they do enjoy hard laboring and dirty jobs then they are welcome to them. I however have never come across a time where they have chosen laboring jobs and dirty work over another activity.

Personally, I think that's nice.
 

petite

Expert Member
Joined
Mar 3, 2010
Posts
7,199
Media
2
Likes
146
Points
208
Sexuality
No Response
Gender
Female
there's a difference between thinking he should do it and thinking you shouldn't. one is that feel good act of giving and the other is insulting.

i have plenty of eye roll inducing traits of my own. everyone does. this particular eye roll inducing trait is one i can live with without feeling insult or resentment. in some guys it's quite sweet.

Oh absolutely, I have no doubt that TheBoyfriend could write up a list in five minutes of my eye rolling traits, and everyone has different deal breakers when it comes to relationships. For me, it would depend on how strongly it's expressed, and how it comes out. It can be very sweet, but if someone I'm with doesn't recognize my desire to do something myself and how doing it would make me feel, it would start to grate on me. I also don't have a lot of experience being with men like that. I tend to date men who self describe themselves as feminists, without hesitation or disclaimers.
 
Last edited:

alx

Sexy Member
Joined
Feb 24, 2010
Posts
1,024
Media
0
Likes
60
Points
73
Sexuality
100% Straight, 0% Gay
Gender
Male
would it be fair to say you're the type of guy i described?

No it wouldn't I dont think. Firstly I said I would only help if needed. I wouldn't look out the window, see a woman and feel the desire to automatically help out because shes tinkering.

Secondly you probably know more about car mechanics than me. I do modify my own cars and tinker myself but dont know enough to offer my services in this area.

I don't feel the need to express my manliness. Im 100 percent manly/ rough and ready in my day job. Thats enough man for me. Im also comfortable enough in myself that I feel no need to express and impose my manliness towards others.
One of my pet HATES is men making an issue with regards to their own manliness credentials.
 

redz_rule

Sexy Member
Joined
Jun 7, 2011
Posts
2,221
Media
0
Likes
30
Points
73
Sexuality
No Response
Lol - it occurs to me that I have never once been approached by a gentleman who has been concerned about my massive mountain of ironing and offered to take it off my hands. Now that would be extremely welcome!
 

Rikter8

Expert Member
Joined
Jun 30, 2005
Posts
4,353
Media
1
Likes
125
Points
283
Location
Ann Arbor (Michigan, United States)
Sexuality
90% Gay, 10% Straight
Gender
Male
Erm, killing it would have involved going near it...

The body of this thing was 2" round, easily, without legs. It's legs were think enough to be confused for bits of wool!

Knock it down to the ground and squish it with your foot.

STOMP No more spider.

:popworm: Now it might be under your bed... :theyareontome:
 

dolfette

Expert Member
Joined
Nov 13, 2006
Posts
11,303
Media
0
Likes
108
Points
193
Sexuality
No Response
No it wouldn't I dont think. Firstly I said I would only help if needed. I wouldn't look out the window, see a woman and feel the desire to automatically help out because shes tinkering.

Secondly you probably know more about car mechanics than me. I do modify my own cars and tinker myself but dont know enough to offer my services in this area.

I don't feel the need to express my manliness. Im 100 percent manly/ rough and ready in my day job. Thats enough man for me. Im also comfortable enough in myself that I feel no need to express and impose my manliness towards others.
One of my pet HATES is men making an issue with regards to their own manliness credentials.
i don't mean in the specifics of stranger & car situations.
i mean more that it feels right to do the heavy/dirty jobs for the women in your life.
i'm not talking about men who make it an issue. those would be told to go fuck themselves. i'm talking about guys who just feel better if they take the load off when it comes to certain tasks.
 

D_Felix the Bat

Experimental Member
Joined
Nov 13, 2007
Posts
330
Media
0
Likes
2
Points
103
i don't mean in the specifics of stranger & car situations.
i mean more that it feels right to do the heavy/dirty jobs for the women in your life.
i'm not talking about men who make it an issue. those would be told to go fuck themselves. i'm talking about guys who just feel better if they take the load off when it comes to certain tasks.

I would say it depends on the person. Some would prefer to do the heavy/dirty stuff themselves, some would rather i do it, and that's how we'd roll :)