SamAdams123

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Sorry for the spam guys. Wasn't sure where to post this.

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Hi everyone,

I'm in an emotional pickle right now. I'm a bisexual millennial guy in love with another guy but now he isn't talking to me. I don't want to get into too much detail just in case he's lurking on this site, but I want your advice on whether I should try to win him back.

The first time I saw him I immediately thought he was gay even though all the ladies flock to him. He is very masculine but I sensed something. Fast forward a few months, we became friendly due to mutual friends and connected on social media. He started DMing me a lot and sending me funny videos and would text me every single day.

It got to a point where he would make blatant advances. This story can fill a novel but I'll give a few examples:
1) iMessage me then IG DM me right after. I'm like...why don't you keep the convo using one platform? He responds that he sends DMs so I "know it's real."
2) Dinner with friends and he would caress my thigh.
3) Holding doors open for me.
4) At one point actually finding an opportunity to hold my hand and caress my fingers.
5) Me saying I'm hungry and craving a snack to which he replies, "I'm a snack."

He's top tier handsome and to be receiving all that attention from him got to me in a good and a bad way. Who wouldn't like that constant attention from someone? In the moment I thought I was sending out strong signals too but in hindsight I really wasn't being clear that I had fallen in love with him. I wanted him to make the first clear move. He even felt the need to tell me that he catches feelings easily but he never makes the first move.

All of this has been going on for 2-3 years, so eventually I noticed he started cooling off. I can't remember what happened but I honestly started acting like a teenage girl (I didn't realize it at the time) and started ignoring his messages. I was mad at him and told him he needed to start using his words with me. He would send memes about 'stop being mad at me - I love you' sorta thing. I would ignore him in person and all that. Eventually he was like, "Can we stop doing this? It's driving me crazy and I miss you." I told him that was up to him so he said he's sorry and he'll start using his words. He then sent a quote about how certain guys have a hard time expressing their feelings but they are willing to compromise and make changes for the person they love."

That scared me so I danced around the issue and kinda played it off. I honestly changed the subject. Then I realized he started backing off again. I confronted him and he said nothing was wrong and everything was normal. But everything wasn't normal because he stopped messaging me everyday and showing me affection. That doesn't just stop without something happening to cause a shift. Eventually I sent him a voicenote asking him in no uncertain terms - "Do you have romantic feelings for me." Three days went by and he never answered me. That broke my heart so I DMd him and told him it's best that we don't talk to each other anymore because I can't play cat and mouse and I left it there. He THEN saw the need to say oh I'm sorry I just heard your message (he usually responds in 10 minutes tops but all of a sudden you heard my message 3 days later). And even after saying he heard the message, he didn't answer my question.

I coincidentally ran into him in person and he tried to make things seem normal but the tension was so thick between us. I was super awkward but he walked me to my train station. We talked there for about an hour and I asked him to respond to my voicenote in person. He's like what was the question?
Me: "You told me you heard the voice message."
Him: "I forgot."
Me: "Now you're insulting my intelligence."
Him: "Well I want you to ask my the question in person then."
Me: *after whining for 20 minutes* "Do you like me?"
Him: "No, I'm sorry if I made you feel that way."
Me: "Well it would be okay if you did. I hope you know that."
Blah blah blah

I blocked him on IG. He texted me when he realized and that sent him over the edge. He stopped talking to me entirely. We would see each other around and in mutual friend groups and he wouldn't even make EYE CONTACT. He was done with me. It takes someone's absence to realize what they mean to you. I know I painted myself like a villain in this story but it wasn't all like that. I just need you guys to see the story from his perspective as well. I unblocked him and re-followed him. Weeks went by and he never followed me back so I picked up the pieces and unfollowed him thinking it was over. (He was clearly keeping tabs cuz the moment I unfollowed him he followed me and DMd me to say "Hi FRIEND"

I wrote him a love letter confessing my feelings, telling him I always knew how he felt and explained why I was such a jerk -- I don't think I ever had anyone treat me the way he did and it scared me. I was scared of rejection. I was scared this was too good to be true. And I was scared because we're both men. He never responded to the letter and when I asked him about it he claimed he never read it. Anyway, I was forced to move on and meet other people and start doing my own thing. I noticed he was flirting with different girls and acting like a different person on social media. I started dating other people (privately) and started staying away. He slowly but surely started warming up to me again and he'd do funny things to make me laugh and I could tell his anger was calming down. But he still wouldn't text me.

Then COVID-19 hit and we obviously stopped seeing each other. We communicated a few times but every time it was because I initiated contact. But it wasn't just me. He fell off the map and everyone was asking me about him and if he was okay. He just disconnected from everyone.

But guys, I've met people..well someone who is "better on paper" than he is, but my heart belongs to him. I want him.

My questions are as follows:

Was I wrong for assuming he had romantic feelings for me?
Do you guys think I can ever win him back?
If so, how?
I'm the type to not give up on love...like...EVER, which is funny because I'm also the type that is clearly afraid of love lol.

Any feedback is welcome. Thanks guys.
 
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4388301

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I think life is short and that someone who cannot be direct and/or admit attraction to you is not worth your time, energy, etc. Sounds like ya both had some fuck ups with communicating, too. Some folks just like to have their ego stroked, as well. Not saying this guy did that, but the back n forth between you two does not seem like it is going to work. Gotta communicate better and not do some petty "block, unblock, follow, unfollow" etc. I am a very blunt, no bullshit person, though. If someone did even a quarter of what you two did to each other, I would have told them I am done and moved on. :oops:
 

SamAdams123

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I think life is short and that someone who cannot be direct and/or admit attraction to you is not worth your time, energy, etc. Sounds like ya both had some fuck ups with communicating, too. Some folks just like to have their ego stroked, as well. Not saying this guy did that, but the back n forth between you two does not seem like it is going to work. Gotta communicate better and not do some petty "block, unblock, follow, unfollow" etc. I am a very blunt, no bullshit person, though. If someone did even a quarter of what you two did to each other, I would have told them I am done and moved on. :oops:

lol I appreciate your bluntness. What I gather from your comment is that the pettiness probably annoyed him to the point where he said he's done.
 
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lol I appreciate your bluntness. What I gather from your comment is that the pettiness probably annoyed him to the point where he said he's done.

Oh good! I am glad you took it in the spirit intended, not as me tryin' to be shitty/mean. An yeah, I do not mind "games" as far as a lil flirt n tease, but from what I understood (from everything you wrote) this game playing got carried on much longer than that. Including when feelings developed, an to me that is not a nice thing to do. Or a very mature thing to do. Both sides, folks could have done better. Live and learn I hope?
 
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SamAdams123

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Oh good! I am glad you took it in the spirit intended, not as me tryin' to be shitty/mean. An yeah, I do not mind "games" as far as a lil flirt n tease, but from what I understood (from everything you wrote) this game playing got carried on much longer than that. Including when feelings developed, an to me that is not a nice thing to do. Or a very mature thing to do. Both sides, folks could have done better. Live and learn I hope?

I def can see I've been super immature. I won't blame him for that. I kinda want to acknowledge that to him though. A fresher and more mature start.
 

SamAdams123

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you look like a bad bitch to me and good he went away. 3 years, what do you spect? that he will be forever waiting for you?

Hindsight is 2020. It didn't occur to me at the time that he was getting tired of waiting for me (although he could have been clear about his intentions if he really wanted me).
 

Tight_End_SC

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He was flirting with you for sure. I get the feeling you fell in love with the guy and yea, it hurts when things go the way you described. My read is that you may be young (less than 30 yrs old). Life will present a better situation for you where you actually can have frank discussions but with that has to come true intent.

The game playing aspect of this is BS!
 

SamAdams123

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He was flirting with you for sure. I get the feeling you fell in love with the guy and yea, it hurts when things go the way you described. My read is that you may be young (less than 30 yrs old). Life will present a better situation for you where you actually can have frank discussions but with that has to come true intent.

The game playing aspect of this is BS!

I'm so mad that we were so childish. And I think it's a little unfair for him to put the ball in my court early on. This whole thing about telling me he never makes the first move and that he's been through a lot in the past which is why he doesn't reveal his feelings etc. I told myself it was over and I started moving on....then he started warming up again...but COVID-19...
 
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japetty

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I'm so mad that we were so childish. And I think it's a little unfair for him to put the ball in my court early on. This whole thing about telling me he never makes the first move and that he's been through a lot in the past which is why he doesn't reveal his feelings etc. I told myself it was over and I started moving on....then he started warming up again...but COVID-19...

You keep acting like a school girl with the thinking something is not fair, it is what it is. The ball is in your court you better run with the damn thing before it is to late and drop the school girl foolishness. Life is not always fair get use to it or get out of the ball game. Good luck with your quest but I really think you are wasting your time as someone said above. Sorry I feel that way!
 

cedarizzo

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Sounds like both of you were very immature about the situation and playing games. I think this has gone on way past the expiration date and you just need to move on. I think you realize your immaturity in the situation. Next time you meet somebody, remember what you did wrong and try not to repeat it. Always speak up, be honest with the other person, don't be afraid to ask questions and always listen to what they say and be understanding.
 

SamAdams123

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Sounds like both of you were very immature about the situation and playing games. I think this has gone on way past the expiration date and you just need to move on. I think you realize your immaturity in the situation. Next time you meet somebody, remember what you did wrong and try not to repeat it. Always speak up, be honest with the other person, don't be afraid to ask questions and always listen to what they say and be understanding.

Yes, the lesson I've learned is to always speak up and be honest.
 

MisterB

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@SamAdams123

It sounds from what you've written that you wanted/expected this person to do or say certain things. And that when he didn't do or say what you wanted/expected, you were confused. That makes me think you must be young.

I learned at a relatively young age that you cannot control other people. How they act/feel. In reality, the only person you can control how they act/feel is yourself. And right now it sounds like you are hurting.

I also don't let people treat me like you describe you've been treated. I would have been gone from that "friendship" within a week or two, not two-three years later. But then, I'm not one to play games.

Instead, you seem to have let yourself get caught up in his gamesmanship. Because you were smitten? Thought there was something there? Because he was top-tier handsome? Nothing excuses ugly behavior. Being a general fuckwad. Nothing.

But I do know that expecting people you don't know all that well to act or feel a certain way usually leads to disappointment. Which is what seems to have occurred in your case here with your unrequited love.

We can't tell you what you should/shouldn't do. That my friend, needs to come from you. Sounds like you need to do some soul-searching and decide what course of action is best for you.

If that's "trying to win him back", then that's what you do. Whatever you decide, make sure you can live with the consequences. Including more rejection and hurt.

And by the way, your thread title is at odds with what you state in your Opening Post. I'm not sure how one can be "supposedly straight" and a "bi-sexual millennial" at the same time. But hey, if that works for you, then you do you.

I do wish you the best with this situation. Good luck!
 

SamAdams123

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@SamAdams123

It sounds from what you've written that you wanted/expected this person to do or say certain things. And that when he didn't do or say what you wanted/expected, you were confused. That makes me think you must be young.

I learned at a relatively young age that you cannot control other people. How they act/feel. In reality, the only person you can control how they act/feel is yourself. And right now it sounds like you are hurting.

I also don't let people treat me like you describe you've been treated. I would have been gone from that "friendship" within a week or two, not two-three years later. But then, I'm not one to play games.

Instead, you seem to have let yourself get caught up in his gamesmanship. Because you were smitten? Thought there was something there? Because he was top-tier handsome? Nothing excuses ugly behavior. Being a general fuckwad. Nothing.

But I do know that expecting people you don't know all that well to act or feel a certain way usually leads to disappointment. Which is what seems to have occurred in your case here with your unrequited love.

We can't tell you what you should/shouldn't do. That my friend, needs to come from you. Sounds like you need to do some soul-searching and decide what course of action is best for you.

If that's "trying to win him back", then that's what you do. Whatever you decide, make sure you can live with the consequences. Including more rejection and hurt.

And by the way, your thread title is at odds with what you state in your Opening Post. I'm not sure how one can be "supposedly straight" and a "bi-sexual millennial" at the same time. But hey, if that works for you, then you do you.

I do wish you the best with this situation. Good luck!

I appreciate this so much.
 
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Infernal

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That's messy. I'll be blunt - It sounds like neither one of you were honest about things until it was too late. Straight men who have no romantic interest in their friends don't hold their hands, and they don't caress their thighs. Neither do they call themselves a snack when a friend says they are hungry. He sounds immature. You should have put a stop to it, but you let it go on far too long. You're both to blame for this, and you're both victims of your own bad choices. Leave him behind and move on. He's obviously not the friend you thought he was.
 
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StaringIsCaring

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Okay so first of all this guy is a mess, and you were kind of messy too.

He just wants the fun stuff to see where it goes. He’s not going to address his feelings probably ever.

Want the fun ride and affection? He is there. He will not address his feelings so stop trying to make him. Just accept him as a friend.

In fact if you do mess around I’d bet you a dollar he will avoid you after that.
 
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