Typical Gay Kid in love with Straight Best Friend (But with a TWIST)

blankagus

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Ok, so I have this "straight" best friend named "Donny," known each other since early high school now in our mid 20s. Donny is kinda like that typical frat douchebag but he has a nice side, lol. He is generally super straight and no one would have any inclination otherwise. I'm not out but I think most of my closest friends, who are all straight, have an idea for what team I'm batting for.

Donny and I, we do everything together. There's literally not a day goes by that we don't see each other or have some sort of contact with one another. Our group of friends all suspect that there is some sort of relationship between Donny and me because of the way we act towards one another.

And it gets to that: the way we act towards each other is legit like we're a couple. And I never truly realized I had real feelings for him until he came back from college just a little over a year ago. The way we look at each other, the way he treats me isn't like with any of our other guy friends. There are countless times that after walking home drunk from the bar, he would just put his arm around me and we'd walk the rest of the way home like that (how romantic), and we'd kiss a couple times (in public nonetheless) but not too heavy. I remember when I really started to question his sexuality was when we were super drunk wrestling (I had my shirt off), he pinned me down on my stomach and out of NOWHERE he started making out with my back. There are MANY other instances.

Since it's been a over a year since I realized my feelings, our relationship is on a pretty good track (despite having drunk fought multiple times like we're a couple). But whenever I'd try to get really close to him, he'd accuse me of being gay (true) and push me away although we already act super gay with each other. And it's funny because he's usually the one that would initiate any sort of gay act towards me and I'd accept it but when I do it, he'd push me away.

Here comes the TWIST: so one of my other friends, who highly suspects of our being in a relationship, is super NOSY. Donny was sleeping at the time. So Nosy starts to look through Donny's phone and whatnot and since I was really drunk, I looked along with him (I usually hate it when people do this but it was a one-time thing lol). In Donny's emails were about 90% M4M craiglist ads and responses. A lot of them had to do with Donny wanting to "ride cocks" of various guys or his favorite (since they're a lot of it), getting a couple guys together to "blow your load all over my face." I just find it funny since I'm literally with Donny most of our waking moment other than work obviously, so I really don't know how he finds the time. But I guess if you're horny, ANYONE would find the time, lol.

My question is: I've made it clear to Donny that I've wanted him in more ways than one. Why doesn't he respond accordingly, especially since it's quite clear that he likes guys too? The way he looks at me, I can honestly feel it in my heart that he feels the same way about me.

Sorry for this wall of text. But I'm getting kind of desperate at this moment. :confused::confused::confused:
 

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poor kid doesn't know what he wants, and is trying to figure it out on the side. We all do it. You and he both have secrets - I'm concerned what this other snooping friend might do with this information..

As for why he's not responding to your advances - it seems you two are really close. He seems more comfortable being himself around you than perhaps many of your other (straight) friends. I believe he does not want to jeopardize or lose that with you. Sometimes, loving someone doesn't mean you're dying to be in a relationship with them. It's a tough situation. He definitely cares about you - don't question that.

Have you come out to Donny? Does he really know your intentions, other than just in context of straight boys playing around with each other?
 

danimal32

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I think funguy3, above, pretty much nailed it. Your friend is confused, just as most people are at one point or another in their life and you and he each have secrets.

Don't question the fact that Donny cares for you in a special way - because he does - and I think you already are well aware of that. Try and focus on this fact if you are upset that your relationship with Donny may not be exactly what you want, or you are feeling alone.

I think when the time is right - you need to have a serious discussion with Donny, preferably when it's just the two of you, neither of you have been drinking and you aren't arguing with each other.
 

pinokio

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I think that you should ask yourself is it only sex or is it sth more that you want from him for an erotic relation.
If it's more, just listen to your heart, be natural and gentle. Kiss him if there is a good moment (maybe not in the lips but in the cheek at first?). Allow the touch, look in his eyes deeply but not annoyingly long.
He wants sex and it is obvious from his e-mails. Yous hould never let him know that you've taken a look. He probably treats you with some more respect than someone-to-shag however, guessing from his behavior and gestures when you get close - it seems to be a bromance more than desire. But there are some dubious moments. When he was making out with your back - what actually was going on? Did you react? I think you should let him feel that you want it.

Sleeping in one bed after a party (%) could help maybe too - that's a good opportunity to reach for each other's body without being misjudged as a perv.
Wishing you good luck with your bud, please let us know how your story'll have continued!
 

hrdhatdad

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I'm gay and out. I'm not attracted to any of my friends (straight or gay). You wouldn't believe how many times I've heard my friends refer to me as "confused" or that I don't really know what I want when I just didn't want any of them ha-ha. Perhaps your friend feels the same way (knows that you are both gay but doesn't want anything from you other than a close friendship).
 

Jason

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In this world it's socially much easier to be straight than gay. I would guess Donny wants to be straight. It seems pretty clear however that he has (justified) doubts. The problem for him with a relationship with you is it would put him in a box, classified to himself as gay. It's even possible he would find it easier to have a gay fling with a stranger than anything with you, as he could perceive the former as just a form of wanking (and not gay).

I don't think you can do anything. You can hang out with him as his best friend, and maybe that can go on for ever. Or maybe one day he will decide he must be "normal" and marry a woman and run off. (If you are really unlucky he will ask you to be his best man!) Or perhaps one day he will decide to become your boyfriend.

Maybe you could try to talk with him a bit about sex and sexuality. There's a porn genre sg4ge - straight guys for gay eyes - which is straight sex but with the focus on the man. Maybe you could both watch some!
 

dcw4

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sorry, you shouldnt have looked at his phone.. that was sneaky and a betrayal of trust.. you fucked up..
 

martin60018

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are you guys fucking stupid?
it's called a stress test
he is tying to tell you he is interested, but doesn't know how to (face saving macho type-might never admit to being gay, lives with "roommate" for life)
he is afraid to loose you completely (safer to be a friend)
he needs to feel you out and push the boundaries cause he does not know where he stands with you. (like little kids punching each other)
if you sincerely make it known clearly, in a non lewd way that you are interested, he should tell you. if it was experimentation with you or he is truly attracted
take a gamble and lay it all on the table, if he is interested, you will be happy
if it is something else, you save your sanity and move on
either as "sisters" or just good friends
 

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1. Tell him you are gay
2. Don't tell him you've seen his phone
3. Accept that sometimes you ( he ) can like someone as a friend but not want to have sex with them - whether or not you find them attractive ...

Give it a little time, see how it goes, and learn from it ...
 
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blankagus

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Wow, I really didn't expect this much response. But honestly thank you, I'm glad I got some pretty legit and articulate responses. As of right now, I think I'm just going to let it ride and see what happens without trying too much. Just keep my distance off enough.

Funguy and Danimal: I agree, that maybe he is going to a difficult and confusing time that's why I don't wanna push anything onto him that he might not feel comfortable in.

Pinokio: I'm not sure how that whole situation came about. It was quite odd, that was hardly the end. That was nearly very the beginning of our weird courtship. We've also slept in the same beds ALL the time, (one time nude after a weird situation) but it's not knew to sleep in the same bed. It's weird cuz whenever we do sleep in the same bed, we end up complaining the next day about not having enough sleep.

hrdhatdad: I did think of that a couple times. Maybe I am looking more into than there really is? Not sure.

Jason: that's kind of exactly how I feel if I did come out. That I would be in a classified in a box, and that's coming from someone who is pretty open. Someone like him who is very "straight" would obviously have a bigger problem with it.

dcw4: yeah I do feel really bad about it. That Nosy friend have done the same to me on MULTIPLE occassions and I hated it but for some reason I did it along with him that one drunken night. We all make mistakes, and I do not expect to do it again when given the chance.

martin60018: I think that too. And I do sometimes fantasize that I do gain enough balls to actually "take a gamble and lay it on the table." Maybe I should just try to save me the pain in the end.

exbiker: very straight to the point. I do like it. I am definitely going to give it time and see how it rides out in the end. I'm not rushing. We're all only 23.

I think I'm somehow taking this way more serious than I should, lol. Thanks guys!
 

hot-rod

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sorry, you shouldn't have looked at his phone.. that was sneaky and a betrayal of trust.. you fucked up..
I have to agree! That wasn't a good thing. Hope he doesn't find out because that will nail him to the wall. The guy is crazy about you though.
 
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petetown

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Was madly in love with a close friend of mine when we were 22. I did everything to be around him and keep him in my life. He moved, I moved and we stayed in touch. He had relationships and I had relationships. Fast forward 34 years and we are best of friends, live near one another and do everything together. We have never had sex. There are all kinds of relationships, my friend....don't discount any for being better than another.
 

AZZAWA

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Hi there. You mentioned you made it clear that you wanted him and I am not sure that is the case. In your mind you made it clear that you wanted him but perhaps it is not clear in Donny's mind. He may be feelingbthevsame thing and posting somewhere that he has made it clear that he wanted you. That said, I'm not saying you should follow through on anything ther than you should come out of the closet. To Donny, your friends, and others who are important to you. Perhaps Donny will see thatas a brave role model thing for you to do But to be honest, coming out to see if Donny comes out is not a good reason to come out. You need to come out for you. You need to come out so you could experience honest love from someone. That may be with Donny or it may be with someone else.
 

blankagus

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petetown: I think I might be in the same situation despite the whole 34 years into the future part. But I do do everything to keep him close and be near him.

Azzawa: yeah actually now that I think about it, I have made advances. But would I really say I made it super clear to him? Yeah probably not. I definitely am not planning to come out just to see if he would. If I do do it, it would be on my own terms when I feel comfortable.

I don't post a lot on LPSG. So I don't know exactly the etiquette on how to respond. Since everyone so far has helped me, I am trying to respond to each and every one of you guys accordingly. Thanks a lot. Any more opinions, anyone lol?
 
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blankagus

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It's funny. I just remembered. After another night of super heavy drinking last night, he had made me super upset because of something pretty stupid. In front of ALL of our friends, he proceeded to apologize, take my hand and kiss it, and was trying to get on my good side all night like making my favorite drink, pumpkin beers with cinnamon rim, lol.

Stuff like this happens on a weekly basis, usually after drinking. That's why it just frustrates me.
 

D_Barry_Ballitcher

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What a twist... Seriously, the guy kisses you, puts his arm around you, and "makes out with your back" after wresting shirtless with you, and you're somehow not sure if he's into guys? Huh? Straight men don't do those things, FYI
 

dewit

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You know how people say "you fight like an old married couple"? It sounds like you are such good friends and spend so much time together that this is the case. Even if he is bisexual or gay, he may not find you attractive or you could be in the "friend zone." At this point, if you really want to know, you're going to have to find a way to ask him about it one of these nights. Since you know from his phone (obviously, don't mention that) that he is into guys, he shouldn't be too hostile in his response. I also agree with Jason about trying to watch porn together and seeing where that might go.
 

pinokio

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What a twist... Seriously, the guy kisses you, puts his arm around you, and "makes out with your back" after wresting shirtless with you, and you're somehow not sure if he's into guys? Huh? Straight men don't do those things, FYI



They do indeed, but they may live 'straight' lives in spite of that, does doing the things describe above mean a lot? I don't think so. It's a part of boyish fooling around and having fun. Doing that, some release their homoerotic tensions and some just joke.
I had a friend who frequently touched, hugged and pinched me wherever he should not, spoke sexual phrases to me and even secretly carried and watched my photos in his notebooks... But when I confronted him and was open about it, he was like 'eeew! stop it, it's disgusting'. He could not deny that he fancied me but anyway was totally against admitting that he wants me to turn this play up and make it real. Even if one would manage to have sex to such an ambigous friend, it may not end with love and understanding ;) gotta be very careful about such things or ruining a friendship is at high risk.
 
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Emerald_Forest

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Blankagus:

I've been there. Don't want to write out the whole story, but just want to give some of my experiences to consider.
Your friend's sexuality is complex. At least he unconsciously recognizes his capability of being attracted to the same sex. But, he does not want to do that consciously. If you try to force it, you may end up abandoned. I know that you are much more comfortable, and can envision the whole mix of romance, friendship, good sex, loyalty etc. but he may firmly be protecting a quite fragile identity. He must go through his own process of reshaping it and making it flexible and durable.

If you want to have sex with him, and continue with your deep friendship, get your own separate sex life, and let him approach you when he is ready; if you don't do this, pick just one of: sex, deep friendship.

Not all bisexual guys are strong; many let society dictate what their identities should be and are quite afraid of standing independently, removing all shame and fear of their preferences and freedoms.

Do not put 100% of your time and hopes into him. If it doesn't work, at least you have many other people there with whom you have connections. If he sees that you have the latter, it may be a learning opportunity for him too.

All the best,
EF