Typical "what should I do?" story...

[Hjalmar]

Ok, I'm about to go to bed, it's kinda late. In two weeks I'll be again on college, so I'm trying to recover a decent schedule...

I think this forum is great. You can post your problems in here, and you'll get an impartial vision, and maybe some help... This is I guess very like those girls questioning a doctor at those kind of magazines we've all "borrowed" from our sisters...

So, guys, that's my "problem".

First of all, I don't have friends at College. I mean, of course I have friends, but not at College. I guess I don't fit with people my age, so I'm always with peolpe between 25 and 30 or so.
So, when I'm at class, at College, I'm always alone, and I rather speak to anyone, except from some "hi" and "bye". But that's not the point, I mean, call me what you like, but I like it this way. I'm a "watching" person, more than a "talking" one.

But, of corse, here it comes the "problem". There is this guy. I guess he's very like me. He's almost alone everytime at class, rather speak to anyone, he's cute, he just looks totally "interesting" to me, and I've never "felt" this "I need to know this guy" before.

We had this subject, in which the whole class had to write down his e-mail adress on a list. And, since I am this mad, I just had to look at his address and write it down.

I wondered for a week what to do with it, and I finally e-mailed him a nonsense question "Where you the guy reading Jung the other day?" (I know, my social habilities are very low... )

After that, we exchanged almost 20 e-mails, asking and answering questions. I didn't tell him who I was, and I just told him I was a classmate. We talked about a lot of things. First it was him asking me just to find out who I was, but after several e-mail, we ended up exchanging "deep" thoughts. All that stuff that two Art History students do: share book recommendations, talk about some artists, talk about museums... that stuff...

All this began past February, and we exchanged e-mails through March, and April, when I finally told him who I was. He was surprised, he remebered the few conversations we've had, and he told me to say hi in person the next time I was at College.

Several personal problemas (like moving to another place) kept me away from College from about 3 weeks, and, when I finally where there, and we see each other, he ran away. Not literally, but he acted as if he didn't knew me at all. And, watching that kind of behaviour, I didn't even dare to say "hi".

I had my finals and I saw him several times at the library, at class, at the café... But he behaved as if I was transparent.

In July, before I went on holidays, I wrote him another e-mail, apologizing for if he was bothered or something. He never wrote back.

I'm about to be back at college, and I guess we're gonna have a long year of "I look but I don't see".

so, that's when the "what should I do" cames across...

Anyway, now I think he hadn't deserved all my concers and atentions... So, for me it's not a problem, I won't cry for him. But, either way, I just can't stand this situation...

Any help?

 

[yhtang]

I feel it would be his loss to alienate you from his feelings. He will have to deal with this rather awkward situation in this coming year as much as you.

I would say get on with your life the best you can in the face of this. You have taken the necessary steps to try to improve the situation. If he is not valuing your friendship, I feel you should not be beating yourself black and blue over it. Why punish yourself for nothing?

Best of luck for the coming term. May all go well for you.

 

[CUBE]

Tough situation. I had gone to school, met a guy just in passing, found out we would be living in a summer situation on opposite sides of the country, so we exchanged addresses and wrote to each other all summer. These letters to each other filled in lots of lonely times. We get back in the fall and go out. Oh man, we didn't feel like we knew each other. It was strange...it took some time but we developed a friendship in person.

I think you may have email alot but the in person friendship would have to start back at base one. He may wrestle with some sexual issues..he may not be ready for a friendship...it is really his problem. You can try to offer a meeting time with an email and say you really want to know him. Keep the email filled with lots of other stuff so it isn't coming off as a love letter but a friendly letter. If he doesn't respond, you did all you could do.

Regardless, you need to expand your circle. What is at that school that you can get involved in to meet people. Lab classes are great for this. Check out the school clubs. Get invovlved. You have maybe focussed on him more because he is the only one to focus on...change that up OK. Regrads. CUBE

 

[Peter Wood]

My advice is to use the e-mail address of him you already have and just ask what the problem is. Often there is no reason for a situation like this. Just ask and if there is a new opportunity to say "hi" , go for it. An Internet pal is totally different than just a personal friendship, but you made a base to build it up.
If you don’t take the first step you will always have the feeling of a missed opportunity to get to know that guy better. That feeling is much more worse in my opinion than the feeling you will have as he tells you that he isn’t interested in you.​

 

[SurferGirlCA]

My advice is to use the e-mail address of him you already have and just ask what the problem is. Often there is no reason for a situation like this. Just ask and if there is a new opportunity to say "hi" , go for it. An Internet pal is totally different than just a personal friendship, but you made a base to build it up.

If you don’t take the first step you will always have the feeling of a missed opportunity to get to know that guy better. That feeling is much more worse in my opinion than the feeling you will have as he tells you that he isn’t interested in you.​

Unfortunately, I think he already kind of took that step, when he wrote the email apologizing about potentially bothering the guy and the guy never bothered to write back. :sad:

Hjalmar, if you feel like you want to give the guy another chance to at least explain (or not) himself to you, you could write him another email. However, if you know you're going to be seeing him again any way, he will have the opportunity to approach you if he wants to do that. I think your attitude about not crying for him is right and maybe you should stay focused on moving on with your life. We all spend far too much time trying to get inside other people's heads, as if that would explain their words/actions even if we could (I don't think any of us even always knows why we do something, forget trying to explain that in a rational way to someone else). Things like this in life don't always get tied up in nice little packages, unfortunately. Hang in there and good luck! :smile: ​

 

[speshk]

It is frequently the things we don't do in life, the "what ifs?", that cause regrets as the years go by, not so much the "what was", if that makes any sense.

In any case, you should never be ashamed to be a fool for love.

:smile:

 

[dkmilker]

I think it was very bold to initiate contact with him the way you did. It was risky but it seemed to go well until the very end.

This is what I think I would do from this point on. Whenever you pass him in a hallway or are close enough to be heard, just smile and say a pleasant "hello" as if you are just casual aquaintances. Use his name (I assume you know it) so he will notice your greeting. It will be a gentle reminder that you are approachable and open to him. It may take a while, but he may warm-up to the situation and let his gaurd down or get over whatever is going on in his head right now.

It's not a big sacrifice to just be pleasant and casual about it and see what happens. Anything more assertive on your part may push him farther away.

 

[dolf250]

I think that I would want to settle it once and for all. I am not one for mind games. I would wait till you see him in the hall, class or wherever and instead of confronting him, just take him up on his offer and ask an open-ended question such s “how was your summer?” If he has no interest in knowing you he will probably say fine and run. If not he could spend quite awhile telling you about his and then ask the obvious question about how your summer went.

You will have to keep us up to date. All too often I end up wondering what ever happened with...

 

[dkmilker]

I think that I would want to settle it once and for all. I am not one for mind games. I would wait till you see him in the hall, class or wherever and instead of confronting him, just take him up on his offer and ask an open-ended question such s “how was your summer?” If he has no interest in knowing you he will probably say fine and run. If not he could spend quite awhile telling you about his and then ask the obvious question about how your summer went.

You will have to keep us up to date. All too often I end up wondering what ever happened with...

That is actually better advice. :redface: