Unconditional Love

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by sagayboy, Nov 25, 2009.

  1. sagayboy

    sagayboy New Member

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    Hey guys and girls. I need some advice here today, please. I met a guy, just over a year ago. I had bit of a crush on him, but things never developed on a romantic side. As with all crushes it started to fade after a few months. We became friends and gym buddies as well. During about 6 months, our friendship developed into a very very good friendship, we started sharing everything, and have no secrets from another, we can discus anything, from our relationships with our boyfriends, sex lives and even our friendship with one another, and how both of us can not live without it. Although we only see each other at gym, we do see each other every weekday for at least an hour while training.

    In May / June this year, I realized that I love this man. I was very confused, as I am in a relationship with a man that I love very much and care for a lot. So I started to search for answers. I did a lot of reading and after weeks of searching the net and some books on all the different kinds or types of love, I came to realize that I love him unconditionally in a romantic sense.

    Although we discus everything and anything, my love for him was the only thing I did not talk about was my feelings for him. 3 weeks back I just could not take it any more. I felt so alone, as I got us used to discus everything with him, and now there was this huge issue that I had to try and work out by myself. So I took the leap and told him. He was totally amazed, and told me that he values me as a friend and that our friendship is more important to him than his relationship of 10 years with his current boyfriend, but that he has no romantic feelings for me. So it took me a couple of weeks to try and work thru these feelings, but instead of it getting better, it just gets worse. Like I have said I love this man unconditionally, and that is a very rare, and surely a first for me. This has not changed any thing. We are still as good friends and still share everything, but I dont know how to go on from here. This man means so much to me that I cant live without him.

    Any advice from you guys??
     
  2. cock23

    cock23 New Member

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    Yes. It's time to move on.

    I very much doubt that you love this man unconditionally. That's a very strong term to use when describing love, it means you love that person regardless of anything that they do to you or to others, including murdering someone. That type of love is usually only found in parent-child relationships. I highly doubt that you really feel this way, I suspect it is more of an uncontrollable lust which you can't stop dwelling on, and this rejection has made you even more determined to somehow be with this man.

    I always hear so many people use the phrase "But I can't live without him/her". But the truth is, you can live without him and you're gonna have to, because this man is clearly not interested in having a relationship with you at all. Over time, the dark clouds will fade and you will find someone else to love.
     
  3. conchis

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    change your status from 99% straight/1% gay to 100% homosexual :smile:
     
  4. helgaleena

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    or at least 50 percent... 'our boyfriends' you keep saying...

    You need to be honest with yourself much better before you look for a long term relationship.

    Unconditional love means you will love him whether he returns your feeling or not, whether he gets married and has kids and grandkids or not, whether you do the same or not. Is that what you meant to say? God loves unconditionally and we strive to do it like that as an ideal. I think you could very easily settle into that and do it with many, not just this one.
     
  5. petergroot

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    that 1% is doing unconditional hard time here.
     
  6. helgaleena

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    LOL! @petergroot
     
  7. LargerThanTheAverageBear

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    What's to know? Just keep going on. You love him as the friends you are, great! Unconditionally? Then it doesn't matter that he wants to keep the relationship as it is for now. Explore your desires in your fantasies, but keep them there. Who knows, there may come the time when he wants to develope a romantic relationship and you're no longer interested. But I'm curious, how do you get so close and share so much when you only meet/talk at the gym. Try just sharing more of your life as friends.
     
  8. Stephenmass

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    I think he put it very nicely while at the same time more or less saying he was honored by your feelings, but unable to return them.

    You can't MAKE someone love you. They either do or they don't.

    It may be painful man but he more or less told you he is definitely NOT available.

    Move on.
     
  9. hud01

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    Yeah that one got me too

    You have to really think if it is love or infatuation. Because if you are going to destroy a good relationship, you better be positive about the change, especially since the feelings are one sided
     
  10. sagayboy

    sagayboy New Member

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    Hey Guys,
    Thanks for the response.
    First of all, sorry for the typo (conchis) I am gay it should read 99% gay 1% straight.

    Thanks “LagerThanTheAverageBear” what you said makes a lot of sense to me. And to answer your question about how we got so close:
    Although we only see each other at gym, we tend to email and text a lot during the day. I can’t tell you why and how we got so close to share everything, it just happened. I guess we both just felt comfortable with the other. Most of the “friends” that crossed my road during life have stabbed me in the back, and would use what I have trusted them with against me, but with him it is not like that. Never have one of us breached the others trust. It is very hard to describe how strong the trust is (from both sides) because never in my life have I experienced something like this. I have been in a couple of relationships in my life, and NEVER have I trusted my partner with everything (or they with me).
     
  11. helgaleena

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    A true friendship like this is precious and do not spoil it by forcing him to feel anything more than he does. You are very lucky.
     
  12. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Unconditional love is possible. I still love everyone I've ever felt love for whether that love is familial, friendly, or romantic. Some of those people have disappointed me, others not returned the affection. Most are good with it. That's OK, if very painful sometimes. I'm glad I have that capacity to love.

    Sounds to me like you are a limerent lover. People who are not limerent have a very difficult time understanding how limerent love develops and works because they see it as wholly irrational and do not experience such depth of feeling until much in their romantic relationships.

    I find there is nothing you can do beyond ride it out. This is going to sound impossible but please understand that I've dealt with this a few times before, each time with devastating intensity. With me, the romantic component takes a long time to diminish, sometimes years. It may never entirely disappear, there may always be a spark. It's good to acknowledge that and recognize it rather than deny it. To do so is healthier and helps you get over it more quickly. I'm very happy to have the people I've fallen for become friends over time and they are among my most special and important friends by every means because what I saw in them, their essential character, hasn't changed. I accept that they do not and most likely never will, see me as a romantic interest and that's OK. I can enjoy their love, and reciprocate in kind, without that. It just takes time and acceptance of their feelings and your own, to get to that point. It's far from easy. Each day you'll feel more one way than the other. At times it will feel impossible. All of that is natural and part of the process. It's most important not to deny your feelings but accept them and let them ebb and flow naturally. Doing so makes moving on quicker and less traumatic.

    What survives the tornado best? The firm barn of walls or the blade of grass which bends and sways? Be the grass.
     
  13. Florida Boy

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    You are creating a fantasy. You continue to say "You share everything." If there is any truth in the other things you say, there are some things you obviously do not share. For example, sitting across the table having a meal in private or in public. The personal vulnerability of being asleep in his presence. It seems as though you share ideas, concepts and conversation. It appears that neither of you want to wake up and experience the reality of your actual situation. That reality is you get along. like in a long-distance relationship. You do have the advantage of physically seeing and experiencing him on a public basis.

    As to whether you should continue things as they are, go ahead. You have nothing to lose.
     
  14. sagayboy

    sagayboy New Member

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    Jason,
    Thanks for your positive input!!
     
  15. sagayboy

    sagayboy New Member

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    I am just going to take a deep breath and take it as it comes, actually there is nothing els that I can do..
     
  16. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    True. In the mean time though, look at the qualities in the person you are directing your feelings to and take inventory. Learn those things and then seek them out in people who are available and possibly reciprocatory. By doing so you'll know what you're seeking in a beau and that will help you be more selective next time around... or write a personals ad.
     
  17. dreamer20

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    sagayboy what you have described is an unrequited love as opposed to an unconditional love. A similar example is shown here:

    35
     
  18. D_Sibbelah Largeankles

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    To the OP, are you familiar with Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love? You stated that you did some research on your feelings and you may have come across this particular theory.

    Just in case you aren't familiar with the theory, I'll do a quick explanation. Sternberg asserts that there are three sides to love: passion, intimacy, and commitment. Love can be comprised of any combination of these sides.

    When intimacy and commitment are both present and there is an absence of passion, it is called companionate love. What you described sounds very much like companionate love. You obviously have a commitment to each other as friends and it sounds like your friendship is emotionally intimate.

    I developed a very close friendship with a guy last year while I was in the midst of a 7 year relationship. The friend and I spent a lot of time together, if not in person, then on the phone. We did everything together (non-sexual) and shared everything about ourselves. I was closer to him than I had ever been to anyone (including past partners). I was convinced that I was in love with him so I broke up with my partner of 7 years. I revealed my feelings and his reaction was very much like the reaction of your friend - he had no romantic feelings for me. I was crestfallen and it took me weeks to get over the rejection. BUT after I got over the rejection, I evaluated my feelings and came to the realization that my love for him was purely companionate. Sure, I wouldn't have minded a physical relationship with him, but I was more interested in providing him with "unconditional" love and support. He had become my best friend in every sense of the word and I was so overwhelmed by the magnitude of our friendship that I mistook my feelings for a more romantic kind of love. The guy and I are still best friends and the love I have for him grows stronger everyday. AND after breaking up with my partner, I didn't know where to turn to meet a new fella so I jumped on match.com and found the probable love of my life. I have a best friend who I love and a man that I am madly in love with - I just love them both very differently.

    Hope that helped. At least a little. You'll get through this!
     
  19. Principessa

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    In my experience, unconditional love, in a relationship is a bad and dangerous thing. The other person almost never loves you back the same way. I save unconditional love for my parents and small children. In 25 years of dating I have yet to meet a many worthy of my unconditional love. What sucks is my complete inability to love half way, or with restraint, or conditions. :frown1: :redface: :irked:
     
  20. B_Hung Jon

    B_Hung Jon New Member

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    I don't think there's such a thing as unconditional love. I think it's a romantic notion invented by religious people and self-help gurus to try to convince us all to be monogamous. You know, like the whole soul mate thing. I read somewhere on this site that each of us most likely has 30,000 soul mates in the world.
     
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