Understanding my wife’s lost sexual desire

tHICK__AF

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I was hoping to reach out to the ladies of this site, I love my wife so much but it seems as though we are having a sexual disconnect. We go weeks and sometimes over a month without having sex or even making out. When we were first together we had sex daily. I know that things have changed since she had our first baby, but it has been over a year since the birth. And I completely understand that it is hard for a woman to find sexual desire after a baby, but I just feel as though we are losing passion in our relationship and because there is no passion I seek sexual gratification elsewhere-(not cheating, but coming on this site to relieve sexual tension) as you can see by our videos we are great at making love and I feel as though it’s a shame to waste our younger years not having sex. I try to spark romance from time to time By offering to take her out on dates, but with a baby it’s rare that we can find a babysitter, afford to go out for an entire night and pick up the baby, come back home and make love, it’s just not practical, I just miss laying around the house and when a good opportunity presented itself we would go at it. I cant really even start making out with her without her denying me. She does want another baby and wants to start trying soon so I know it’s in her somewhere. Also, she hasn’t necessairly gained weight but she feels awful about how she looks right now and that’s why she says she is never in the mood. But one thing is that I do not want to push her to go to the gym because then I feel like an asshole for doing that She will most likely get upset if I push to hard in that direction. I have offered for us to join a gym that has babysitting but she doesnt want that, we joined a cheaper gym but she doesn’t want to go by herself, also we can’t really go together without finding a babysitter, and that’s hard to do on a conisistent basis. Ladies, do you have any thoughts on how I should go about talking to my wife about this, and also how do I convince my wife to work out on her own more without sounding like a complete and total dick, not for my own satisfaction but because I know it will make her feel better about herself?
 
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Enid

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Well, you sound sweet for wanting to address this in a tactful and compassionate manner

I am not a mother, so I don't really know what to say, but I am assuming that being in the position she is in is just wearing her out. Seems like she feels frumpy and dumpy.

I don't really know what else to say except to put more effort into having date nights when possible. Seek a counselor. Tell her honestly and earnestly that your romantic life is very important to you and you don't want to lose that.

Sorry I can't contribute more
 

tHICK__AF

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Well, you sound sweet for wanting to address this in a tactful and compassionate manner

I am not a mother, so I don't really know what to say, but I am assuming that being in the position she is in is just wearing her out. Seems like she feels frumpy and dumpy.

I don't really know what else to say except to put more effort into having date nights when possible. Seek a counselor. Tell her honestly and earnestly that your romantic life is very important to you and you don't want to lose that.

Sorry I can't contribute more
I appreciate your response, I guess that’s my delima, I just feel like I’m trying everything I can at the moment and have run out of ideas
 
D

deleted924715

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And I completely understand that it is hard for a woman to find sexual desire after a baby,

I'm not being mean or snarky when I say this... But you don't. You can't. What you can do is try your best to be patient, give her time and not pressure her. Any perceived pressure will make it worse.

It took me much longer than a year to find my new normal. Every woman is different.
 

tHICK__AF

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I'm not being mean or snarky when I say this... But you don't. You can't. What you can do is try your best to be patient, give her time and not pressure her. Any perceived pressure will make it worse.

It took me much longer than a year to find my new normal. Every woman is different.

Honestly this helps a lot, because if i know there is nothing I can do then it puts my mind at ease, trying to worry about it and setting up date nights and things can be exhausting, not that I will completely stop making an effort it’s just that it’s easier for me to accept that it’s not so much my efforts I put forth and more of just giving her time
 

MickeyLee

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Getting her to the gym so she feels better about her body. Have y'all looked into Mommy & Me/baby workouts available in the area? You don't have to worry about babysitters and she doesn't have to go alone. Bonus, since everyone there is a new mother the possible body shame vibe of the gym won't be an issue. She might even be able to extend her support system with like-minded souls.

I know from babysitting that children are exhausting, and that is for a couple hours at a time. I can't even begin to fathom how new parent finds the energy to bathe let alone accomplish anything as physical as having sex. Maybe you could be the Uber-Dad a couple nights a month? Take away all the responsibility of the baby so she can have some pre-baby freedom. Sometimes when your life gets filled with a new person you can lose the person you were before them. She might be in Mommy mode. Where her time, attention and body seem to belong to someone else. This can be ultra true if she is still breastfeeding.

I know a year seems like a long time, more so when you are not getting your needs met, but when stacked next to the nine months it took to make jr a year ain't all that long. Her body went through tremendous changes that can take years to reset. Every part of her body changed, even her connective tissues were altered by the pregnancy.

Have you asked her how sex feels to her after the baby? Nerves in the pelvic region get worked the fucked over during birth. The compression and stretching can deprive the nerves and tissue of blood supply If she needed an episiotomy those nerves were severed and will take time to connect again.
She might have lost some sensation. She might have sensitivity issues. She might not be lubricating as easily.

Ms. @Enid was dead on with seeing a professional. Some conversations are terribly awkward to have. Even with someone you have built a life with. When you feel like you are letting your partner down. Or when you don't have the words to voice that problem. A therapist can give you the tools to work out what's going on and to find a fix that works for both of you.
 
D

deleted924715

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Honestly this helps a lot, because if i know there is nothing I can do then it puts my mind at ease, trying to worry about it and setting up date nights and things can be exhausting, not that I will completely stop making an effort it’s just that it’s easier for me to accept that it’s not so much my efforts I put forth and more of just giving her time

It's really sweet that you want to "fix" it, but it's just a time thing. Or it was for me. The hormonal rollercoaster is massive, I had a difficult birth and so there were psychological as well as physical reasons I was just not remotely in the mood. Make a point to give her a kiss and a cuddle without trying to push it further. If she doesn't feel pressured she'll be more likely to come to you (JMO).

It's not your fault, you can't know what it's like unless you've been through it - I know you are both dealing with a baby but she has a whole other side of it that you don't have. It's not forever x

P.s. keep an eye out for depression
 

tHICK__AF

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Getting her to the gym so she feels better about her body. Have y'all looked into Mommy & Me/baby workouts available in the area? You don't have to worry about babysitters and she doesn't have to go alone. Bonus, since everyone there is a new mother the possible body shame vibe of the gym won't be an issue. She might even be able to extend her support system with like-minded souls.

I know from babysitting that children are exhausting, and that is for a couple hours at a time. I can't even begin to fathom how new parent finds the energy to bathe let alone accomplish anything as physical as having sex. Maybe you could be the Uber-Dad a couple nights a month? Take away all the responsibility of the baby so she can have some pre-baby freedom. Sometimes when your life gets filled with a new person you can lose the person you were before them. She might be in Mommy mode. Where her time, attention and body seem to belong to someone else. This can be ultra true if she is still breastfeeding.

I know a year seems like a long time, more so when you are not getting your needs met, but when stacked next to the nine months it took to make jr a year ain't all that long. Her body went through tremendous changes that can take years to reset. Every part of her body changed, even her connective tissues were altered by the pregnancy.

Have you asked her how sex feels to her after the baby? Nerves in the pelvic region get worked the fucked over during birth. The compression and stretching can deprive the nerves and tissue of blood supply If she needed an episiotomy those nerves were severed and will take time to connect again.
She might have lost some sensation. She might have sensitivity issues. She might not be lubricating as easily.

Ms. @Enid was dead on with seeing a professional. Some conversations are terribly awkward to have. Even with someone you have built a life with. When you feel like you are letting your partner down. Or when you don't have the words to voice that problem. A therapist can give you the tools to work out what's going on and to find a fix that works for both of you.

Thank you! Those are some helpful ideas, especiall mommy and me. I do try and spend all day cleaning the house on my days off to help take some of the brunt of parenting away from her. I usually get compliments in those regards but it doesn’t translate into sexual favors by any means , not that I expect that. Another problem I think we have right now is that we don’t share off days, so we rarely spend back to back together, I might try and rearrange my schedule to spend more time with her.
 
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tHICK__AF

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It's really sweet that you want to "fix" it, but it's just a time thing. Or it was for me. The hormonal rollercoaster is massive, I had a difficult birth and so there were psychological as well as physical reasons I was just not remotely in the mood. Make a point to give her a kiss and a cuddle without trying to push it further. If she doesn't feel pressured she'll be more likely to come to you (JMO).

It's not your fault, you can't know what it's like unless you've been through it - I know you are both dealing with a baby but she has a whole other side of it that you don't have. It's not forever x

P.s. keep an eye out for depression


Your spot on, she had an emergency c section that was traumatizing so I have tried to give her as much time as she needs . I just want to return to normalcy while we are still young and honestly that’s kind of selfish of me in some respects.

I do think things are getting better, I get signs that she is depressed occasionally. she hasn’t had time to focus on her and her career, but good news is that she recently just started back working and doing what she loves and I think that’s going to help more than anything. I think once her confidence comes back so will her sexuality.
 

MickeyLee

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Ohhhh, a man with a vacuum cleaner... hot!

Rearranging ya schedule sounds like a really good idea. That way y'all get an extended amount of time to spend. To destress. To relax and spend kanoodling and flirting time without knowing that one of you is going to have to brave the big, bad world in a couple of hours.

For me, just knowing my partner was willing to put so much thought and effort into what we have going would mean heaps. Keep being a good guy.
 
D

deleted924715

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Your spot on, she had an emergency c section that was traumatizing so I have tried to give her as much time as she needs . I just want to return to normalcy while we are still young and honestly that’s kind of selfish of me in some respects.

I do think things are getting better, I get signs that she is depressed occasionally. she hasn’t had time to focus on her and her career, but good news is that she recently just started back working and doing what she loves and I think that’s going to help more than anything. I think once her confidence comes back so will her sexuality.

It can be a double edged sword, yeah you get out of the house and get to speak to other adults, but personally I felt really guilty leaving the baby. I was also absolutely knackered.

I hope it sorts itself out xx
 
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It took over a year before I started to feel back to normal after giving birth. I didn't exactly keep precise track, but there was so much going on. The suggestions from the other lady's posts have been great :)