Unhappy sex life: Would you see a sex therapist?

[petite]

Edit: And actually if I were with someone and we had children together I would be less likely to try to work on the relantionship for as long as I have as a single person. I feel as though I would owe it to any children to get them out of the situation. Of course it depends on what type of situation we are talking about. Partners have strife and bad days and problems in a relantionship. I would just never want to have children be subjected to violent/ abrasive parental unhappiness.

Oh no! In my OP, my hypothetical situation was one where everything in the relationship is GOOD except for the sex. No abuse or violence or issues like that! A good relationship where the sex life is lousy or non-existent, but otherwise you're happy, like a lot of couples live with, sometimes for over a decade!

 

[petite]

Oh no, I read that. I don't ever see myself being in a situation where everything is perfect and happy other than the sex. So I replied based on life experience.

I'm not sure I understand why two happy people who loved one another would not want to have sex (the exception being sickness, death, time apart, etc.) I feel unable to reply given I have not experienced those circumstances.

Yeah, I haven't experienced it either, not a relationship that's sexless, although I did have that one that was passionless, which is very close, but there's a thread in the women's forum where a lot of people have expressed that this is what their marriages are like, that they're happy except for the sexual component, or that they don't want to end their relationships, but they're extremely unhappy about the lack of passion in the relationship or the frequency of sex, so my thread was based upon a curiosity that was sparked from that one. I wondered if sex was so important to you and you didn't want to end the relationship, well, what would you do then?

 

[Pitbull]

Oh no! In my OP, my hypothetical situation was one where everything in the relationship is GOOD except for the sex. No abuse or violence or issues like that! A good relationship where the sex life is lousy or non-existent, but otherwise you're happy, like a lot of couples live with, sometimes for over a decade!

I would think if there is no sex in a relationship and it is not a decision agreed to by both then there is a fundamental flaw or flaws in the relationship and therefore cannot be characterized as "GOOD except for the sex"

 

[HiddenLacey]

Yeah, I haven't experienced it either, not a relationship that's sexless, although I did have that one that was passionless, which is very close, but there's a thread in the women's forum where a lot of people have expressed that this is what their marriages are like, that they're happy except for the sexual component, or that they don't want to end their relationships, but they're extremely unhappy about the lack of passion in the relationship or the frequency of sex, so my thread was based upon a curiosity that was sparked from that one. I wondered if sex was so important to you and you didn't want to end the relationship, well, what would you do then?

Proceed to drag it out until I'm utterly frustrated with him and then end the relantionship:tongue:

Seriously, at this point in my life I would like to think I would discuss the issue with him hoping to come to an agreement... WTH... no I don't think that. I'm sorry I can't seem to wrap my mind around two people who are happy that have NO extenuating circumstances NOT wanting to have sex with each other. Somethings wrong...

 

[petite]

I would think if there is no sex in a relationship and it is not a decision agreed to by both then there is a fundamental flaw or flaws in the relationship and therefore cannot be characterized as "GOOD except for the sex"

Oh, I don't agree with that. And "no sex" is usually an exaggeration anyway, it's usually very infrequent sex or not the sex that you wanted, like I was having in my unsatisfying sexual relationship. I suspect that he had sexual hangups that had nothing to do with our relationship with one another that might have prevented him from acting in a more uninhibited way.

No relationship is perfect. God knows there are lots of things me and TheBF could improve on, but I consider us to have a good relationship with each other. Just because there are flaws doesn't make it a bad relationship. If you feel like it's a good relationship, then it is, even though it's not perfect. I think the people describing themselves as being in good relationships are people who are happy enough to want to stay in them, sex is just one component that they want to improve in their relationships. I wouldn't know, though, you'd have to quiz each one of them.

 

[petite]

Proceed to drag it out until I'm utterly frustrated with him and then end the relantionship:tongue:

LOL!

I know that you're joking, but you would be surprised at how many people do that! I've heard people say that they knew years beforehand that the relationship was over, but they had to wait until they couldn't stand to look at their partner before they actually ended the relationship, or they waited until they felt homocidal urges before they decided to end things, etc. I don't understand waiting that long, life is too short, but lots of people do that!

Seriously, at this point in my life I would like to think I would discuss the issue with him hoping to come to an agreement... WTH... no I don't think that. I'm sorry I can't seem to wrap my mind around to people who are happy that have NO extenuating circumstances NOT wanting to have sex with each other. Somethings wrong...

Well, yeah, but obviously not so wrong that they don't want to stay in the relationship. And obviously their wives must agree with that or else they would be getting divorce papers, right? So when two people aren't having sex and neither want to get divorced, then something is keeping them together, and that "something" is what I think they're describing as "good". While it's hard for me to believe that people who aren't having sex together would stay together, it's obviously a choice a lot of men and women are making. So when they say that the relationship is good except for the sex, I believe them.

 

[589189]

Very interesting.

This is such a broad subject, and covers many issues. I was married for many years. I have had my share of relationships. I have not experienced sexual difficulties in these relationships that have required either external help or were beyond help and became the reason or major contributor to the relationship ending. So i have no experience of sex being an issue. I have had other issues for which i have engaged in counseling and couples counseling.

All i can say about my experiences are.

I am aware that in interpersonal relationships, BIG problems often start out as small problems or a cluster of small problems.

If i am aware that there is a small problem and choose to not respond to it i am committed to it getting worse, knowledgeably. I make a decision to make a small problem worse. I have very little experience of problems in interpersonal relationships "just disappearing". Someone usually has to DO something.

Small problems are best management in my relationships, in the moment on the fly, when appropriate, as soon as possible. I find it so much easier to talk for 5 minutes now about an issue rather than hours of angst and agony later, only to say those fateful words that we have all probably said, " oh i didnt know it was that?.... Well why didnt you say something. I did say something but you cant hear me". I have had my share of those.

In my experience communication is one of the essential ingredients. Earlier on in my life, i found it almost impossible to say, "i was wrong and, i was wrong because i couldn't admit i didn't know what to say or do". I was unaware that i experienced difficulties in communicating because i was incapable of experiencing my true feelings. I was not capable of saying "I reacted badly to your comments, i interpreted them as being undermined and that really hurt my feelings."

I recall a quote which goes something like this "boys spend all their effort and energy on being right so they will never make a mistake, men spend their energy on their best efforts knowing they will make mistakes and know how to deal with both".

I know that we cant simply aquire hard earned experience and the knowledge and wisdom that may come of it, or more simply "you cant put an old head on young shoulders".

My current position is I seek help ASAP, its easier, more effective, less harmful, cheaper(in all sorts of ways), it instills confidence.

'I seek help because i deserve better, i seek help because I am well and wish to avoid being ill.' I think its fair to say these views are generally counter intuitive for many men, myself included (its been some years since saw things like this). Its taken a lot of work to see Help-Seeking behaviors as strengths not weaknesses.

The counter argument to taking action is to argue that either there is no awareness or delaying is the best response. If i know about a problem...then how long am i going to wait. Just look at mens health and this is across the board...early interventions are designed to tackle this issue head on.

Its a great subject. Glad it was raised.

 

[HiddenLacey]

Very interesting.

This is such a broad subject, and covers many issues. I was married for many years. I have had my share of relationships. I have not experienced sexual difficulties in these relationships that have required either external help or were beyond help and became the reason or major contributor to the relationship ending. So i have no experience of sex being an issue. I have had other issues for which i have engaged in counseling and couples counseling.

All i can say about my experiences are.

I am aware that in interpersonal relationships, BIG problems often start out as small problems or a cluster of small problems.

If i am aware that there is a small problem and choose to not respond to it i am committed to it getting worse, knowledgeably. I make a decision to make a small problem worse. I have very little experience of problems in interpersonal relationships "just disappearing". Someone usually has to DO something.

Small problems are best management in my relationships, in the moment on the fly, when appropriate, as soon as possible. I find it so much easier to talk for 5 minutes now about an issue rather than hours of angst and agony later, only to say those fateful words that we have all probably said, " oh i didnt know it was that?.... Well why didnt you say something. I did say something but you cant hear me". I have had my share of those.

In my experience communication is one of the essential ingredients. Earlier on in my life, i found it almost impossible to say, "i was wrong and, i was wrong because i couldn't admit i didn't know what to say or do". I was unaware that i experienced difficulties in communicating because i was incapable of experiencing my true feelings. I was not capable of saying "I reacted badly to your comments, i interpreted them as being undermined and that really hurt my feelings."

I recall a quote which goes something like this "boys spend all their effort and energy on being right so they will never make a mistake, men spend their energy on their best efforts knowing they will make mistakes and know how to deal with both".

I know that we cant simply aquire hard earned experience and the knowledge and wisdom that may come of it, or more simply "you cant put an old head on young shoulders".

My current position is I seek help ASAP, its easier, more effective, less harmful, cheaper(in all sorts of ways), it instills confidence.

'I seek help because i deserve better, i seek help because I am well and wish to avoid being ill.' I think its fair to say these views are generally counter intuitive for many men, myself included (its been some years since saw things like this). Its taken a lot of work to see Help-Seeking behaviors as strengths not weaknesses.

The counter argument to taking action is to argue that either there is no awareness or delaying is the best response. If i know about a problem...then how long am i going to wait. Just look at mens health and this is across the board...early interventions are designed to tackle this issue head on.

Its a great subject. Glad it was raised.

I agree that it is best to work out whatever is bothering you or your partner when the problem arises versus pushing it away. I just think two people should be able to communicate with each other to a certain degree and resolve any issues. Lack of communication ruins everything in my opinion. I have no problem with discussing things with someone. I may be a complete F-up when it comes to making sense when I'm trying to explain myself, but atleast I try.

 

[B_subgirrl]

That neutral position can make it easier for your partner to hear uncomfortable truths or approach the same old issue in a new way.

I agree that re-wording things can help, but if it was ME the therapist was 'telling the truth' to I think I would just get pissed off. I would be thinking that I've heard this a million times, I don't need you taking his side and saying the same thing AGAIN. Embarrassing to admit, but I'm nothing if not honest :redface.

Plus, there's this interesting phenomenon where people want to be seen in the best light by the therapist, so surprising progress can be made on problems that your partner previously acted like an ass about when it was just between the two of you. Simply realizing how you look or sound to a third person can make someone realize how they're acting. A husband who suggests for the 100th time that his wife try to enjoy oral sex might get laughed at again, but when told by a therapist that she ought to give it a shot, she may become self-aware of how selfish she's been behaving and give that assignment a lot more serious effort.

I've experienced this effect myself. I actually see a psychologist regularly (we don't do techniques, because I know them :biggrin1, and I do find that I try to have some kind of progress to show her at each appointment. Having someone monitoring me does seem to keep me on track.

might be the impetus that actually makes it happen and kickstart your sex life again, whereas if it was just up to the two of you, you'd let it slide again this week because of the same reasons you did last week, and it gets put off again, just like it did before, week after week until those weeks added up to years.

True. It's all too easy to let things slide.

 

[Enid]

I'm not sure I understand why two happy people who loved one another would not want to have sex (the exception being sickness, death, time apart, etc.) I feel unable to reply given I have not experienced those circumstances.

(apologies in advance for poor punctuation and capitalization i am still dealing with the broken arm thing)

now i didnt read through every single response thoroughly, but after some thought about it my truest answer would be what submissive girl said above and ill explain in a minute

my basic answer to the hypothetical question would be yes id see a therapist no qualms there. id wait between 3 and 6 mos before suggesting it situation dependent.

but honestly, i cant relate to the hypothetical sitch very much. i believe id never be in that scenario. any person i choose to get involved with in a LTR is going to be very communicative and super dooper highly-sexed. very picky about that. they wont have any hubristic pride about (or shame regarding) hammering these matters out amongst ourselves (i wouldnt), this is excluding any medical issues of course. outside help might be necessary in cases where medical issues are the source, and all kinds of things come into play then. but we're not really talking about that here.

just cant imagine everything else being great, except for the sex. if everything else is great we'd be having discussions about what's going on thinking about options and exploring remedies together. if our communication is good still (and in the hypothetical sitch it is, since the only thing that's bad is the sex in that scenario), then we'd be confronting it together as a team. if we came to the conclusion it couldnt be sorted out then the relationship would end because sex is that important to me and polyamory doesnt interest me (having other sexual relationships doesnt, at any rate).

petite mentioned something i thought was interesting earlier in this thread. she was talking about stereotypes and something about when a man doesnt want a woman it lowers her self-esteem and so on -- thats the bit that caught my eye. interestingly i had the opposite experience in my previous relationship. it lasted about 4 years with a man who happened to be mentally ill. we stopped having sex halfway through the r-ship due to a med adjustment for him. after that he just couldnt stay hard for very long at all. i was upset about the lack of sex but i loved him so i stayed. i didnt mind at first, when i began minding we talked about it and eventually i left. the whole experience left me feeling a ton stronger and confident in my sexuality: his rejection of me sexually eventually helped bring about an ego transformation. oh the ending hurt and all, but any trace of taking all that personally just disappeared after letting go of my ego on this matter and both accepting and loving my own nature. i ended up with a great deal of confidence because he rejected me. :smile:

but thats stereotypes for ya, theyre broken everyday.

 

[HiddenLacey]

(apologies in advance for poor punctuation and capitalization i am still dealing with the broken arm thing)

now i didnt read through every single response thoroughly, but after some thought about it my truest answer would be what submissive girl said above and ill explain in a minute

my basic answer to the hypothetical question would be yes id see a therapist no qualms there. id wait between 3 and 6 mos before suggesting it situation dependent.

but honestly, i cant relate to the hypothetical sitch very much. i believe id never be in that scenario. any person i choose to get involved with in a LTR is going to be very communicative and super dooper highly-sexed. very picky about that. they wont have any hubristic pride about (or shame regarding) hammering these matters out amongst ourselves (i wouldnt), this is excluding any medical issues of course. outside help might be necessary in cases where medical issues are the source, and all kinds of things come into play then. but we're not really talking about that here.

just cant imagine everything else being great, except for the sex. if everything else is great we'd be having discussions about what's going on thinking about options and exploring remedies together. if our communication is good still (and in the hypothetical sitch it is, since the only thing that's bad is the sex in that scenario), then we'd be confronting it together as a team. if we came to the conclusion it couldnt be sorted out then the relationship would end because sex is that important to me and polyamory doesnt interest me (having other sexual relationships doesnt, at any rate).

petite mentioned something i thought was interesting earlier in this thread. she was talking about stereotypes and something about when a man doesnt want a woman it lowers her self-esteem and so on -- that's the bit that caught my eye. interestingly i had the opposite experience in my previous relationship. it lasted about 4 years with a man who happened to be mentally ill. we stopped having sex halfway through the r-ship due to a med adjustment for him. after that he just couldnt stay hard for very long at all. i was upset about the lack of sex but i loved him so i stayed. i didnt mind at first, when i began minding we talked about it and eventually i left. the whole experience left me feeling a ton stronger and confident in my sexuality: his rejection of me sexually eventually helped bring about an ego transformation. oh the ending hurt and all, but any trace of taking all that personally just disappeared after letting go of my ego on this matter and both accepting and loving my own nature. i ended up with a great deal of confidence because he rejected me! :smile:

It's so great when someone comes ago and can express themselves in a way that I epically failed to do

I also relate to your story somewhat. Sometimes figuring out things are not your fault makes for a stronger person.

 

[D_Enorma Scupcakes]

Six months for you, too?

Yeah, I understand when things happen that make it hard to be sexual physically or emotionally. It happens, and that's ok.

I bring up that "it's been a while" to TheBF before a whole week passes, but I suspect that's more "acceptable" for a woman to do than a man.

I wonder now if TheBF also feels like it would be harder for him to bring up sex as a serious issue because of the stereotype of men who only care about sex and the related stereotype that women don't want sex as much as men do.

He says that I complain if we go two days without sex (which I think is an exaggeration but it's not far off). He's never complained about how frequently we have sex, ever.

Entirely more acceptable. If a man brings it up that often, then he's a horn-dog and needs to simmer down and understand why the woman can't/hasn't been in the mood.

I haven't complained to my wife, but I think my sex drive is higher than hers. When we first started dating, I was so happy that she couldn't get enough. She told me about a few previous relationships where she was quite sexual. Then, as happens with many women I suppose, her sex drive dropped. I guess sometimes it's called "being comfortable". This was before we got engaged, even, so it wasn't the commitment that did it.

If I complain that we haven't had sex, it boosts his ego. It doesn't offend him because he loves how much I want him, so hearing me complain that he hasn't been giving me enough cock lately makes him feel really good.

When she comes on to me, I get hard instantly. I love it when she's "hungry".

I bet that it just doesn't work the other way around. When a man doesn't come onto a woman very frequently, then it lowers her self-esteem becuase men are supposed to be hornier than women, but it doesn't boost her ego if he wants more frequent sex, because then he's just acting like a normal man is supposed to act (I'm not making judgments here, I'm talking about the stereotypes.)

Chivalrous men like TheBF aren't supposed to push the issue, whereas a woman like me who does push it is considered more desirable as a mate.

Does that play any role in why a man would let so much time pass before taking drastic action to save the sexual relationship?

Right. If I stopped showing interest, even when I know she's not receptive, she'd feel even worse about the lack of sex. She starts feeling guilty about it after about a 10-day lapse.

It definitely plays a role. We, as men, are supposed to let women know that we are ready, able, and willing to get intimate at all times. He should desire, yearn, hunger for her. BUT - if he hounds her for sex, he's horrible and needs to be more sensitive. The balance is tough, but it can be done. I learned it quickly.

 

[big_tits4big_dicks]

I would wait one month. If he does not touch me for that long I think I would die. It's not that I need sex that much (but I like it!) But I crave attention. If you don't give me attention, there is a problem. A big one. I have no kids, so there is not that excuse. I like to have the attention, and I live to give you the same love back. But if you start ignoring me? Oh that has to end FAST! I just can't imagine him ever not being interested in sex or my body.

 

[Bbucko]

First of all, I really have to tip my hat to Petite for the sheer volume of work she's put into this thread: it's amazing.

As to the topic:

My libido has always gone in waves and cycles, and as I age (and certain health issues come up), the waves extend longer into inactivity than when I was in my 20s or 30s. But even then, I went through cycles of hypersexuality followed by periods of (nearly) complete disinterest. This cyclic aspect has definitely shaped my choice in partners over the years.

When I was 20 I met a guy four years older than me (but rather stern and very practical, where I was pretty much the opposite). We met when I was in a low cycle, and understood the night we met that sex would never have much spark with him. I pursued him because he represented stability, which I desperately needed at the time.

But about 18 months of "stability", most of which involved suppressing the intensity of my sexuality both in terms of frequency and what we actually did, led me into psychotherapy after I began experiencing panic attacks. The therapist helped me in some areas (such as organic stress-reduction techniques) but was adamant that I either needed to end my relationship or else open it up. I chose the latter, which led to our ceasing to have sex with each other at all. The relationship lasted about another 18 months after that, mostly through inertia and the fact that we were genuinely fond of each other.

Just before my 25th birthday, I was in a hypersexual cycle when I met a guy two years younger than me, a South American brat who lived for the drama, but whom I found insanely attractive. The sex was as intense as the constant quarreling: for the first six months or so we'd have sex at least once, frequently several times per day. When the cycle switched off (and my sexual interest waned just a bit), he reacted defensively and took it personally, as everything was always about him.

Even when my cycle was low, we'd still have sex at least once or twice per week, so there should never have really been an issue, but, of course, there was; then my cycle would move back up and we'd fuck like bunnies. During one of my lower cycles, he decided to unilaterally open the relationship with a three-some, which surprised the piss outta me because he'd always been so jealous (and frequently incited jealousy in me).

In the end, it was sheer exhaustion from all the drama that broke us up, not the sex nor the fact that we'd opened the relationship, which seemed like a very natural progression at the time. It lasted four years.

Flash forward ten years: I'm on the cusp of 40 in another completely sexless relationship that at that stage was into its fifth of what would eventually be nine years (almost ten).

The reasons for the lack of sex were very different from the first relationship I've described here, though the net result was the same. First off was a crippling sense of culpability after a broken condom led to his seroconversion, which effectively killed my interest in sex at all with anyone; second was the fact that he started gaining huge amounts of weight following a back injury, eventually going over 370 pounds...perhaps 400. Though he was never a small man, I was unprepared for such a complete and total transformation in a brief period of time.

He would suggest couples counseling all the time, which I was disinclined to pursue with him. I favored individual counseling; he had grave problems with the truth and was highly manipulative. My sister had tried couples counseling about five years prior and ended up being the villain in the eyes of the (completely non-impartial) therapist and could easily see the same thing happen to me. I also had no interest, frankly, in reviving our sex life until he could get a grip on his addiction to prescription pain meds and his compulsive, out-of-control eating.

Instead of easing him out of my life, which I should have done, I allowed my sense of guilt and responsibility to overcome logic until my health and finances were both utterly shattered.

 

[avg_joe]

If you were happy with every other aspect of your relationship or marriage except the sex, and there were no health issues that prevented either of you from having sex, would you suggest seeing a sex therapist or a relationship counselor together to fix the problem? Why or why not?

Also, do you consider your sex life to be important enough to do something drastic like that? What else would you do?

Love is considered to be more important than sex. Can't have sex with someone whom I don't love. Can't fall in love with someone who doesn't have a chemistry with me. There are only two people whom I adore and would love to have sex with.

 

[D_Enorma Scupcakes]

Love is considered to be more important than sex. Can't have sex with someone whom I don't love. Can't fall in love with someone who doesn't have a chemistry with me. There are only two people whom I adore and would love to have sex with.

Good for you, Joe. Glad to see some people understand how it works.

 

[AlteredEgo]

I'm very stubborn, and I'd wait years. I am waiting years, actually. When my husband and I have sex, it's great, very satisfying, and it gets better all the time. But the fact is, neither of us is satisfied with our sex life. It used to be only I who was underwhelmed by the quantity of sex. Now, we both are.

My husband has a few phobias related to sex. Not fears. Not just insecurities. Phobias. The first time we kissed he got the shakes. I thought it was cute. The first time we were naked together, his entire body went pale. Not long after that I went down on him for the first time, and he had a full-blown panic attack, thought he was dying, vomited, cried, and probably would have gone home if home hadn't been in another state at the time. I didn't think this was cute. I found this alarming. However, I'd already known it was a possible outcome. Having never seen a panic attack before, it was... off-putting. I was frightened for him. I felt terribly that he wanted to be sexually expressive, but just could not be.

By this time, I was already sold on him in every other regard. He's a great guy, a good man. We laugh together all day. Most of our quirks are compatible. We're an amazing fit except for the fact that I would prefer to have sex 4+ times a week, and he is usually satisfied with 2+ times a month. However, that describes his drive now. The first years of our relationship were sexless. After a six or seven months, I began to cry myself to sleep whenever we spent the night together. I searched the web for answers, and finding almost nothing, considered breaking things off at some point during the second year when he made me leave the room if I wanted to masturbate before sleeping since he wasn't laying me. I stayed.

We began escalating our sexual contact. He could finger me, rub my clit, and enjoy hand jobs and blow jobs. I did not receive oral in return. Also, I had to be a little less loud and primal when I came. A violent orgasm out of me would send him into a panic attack. After a while, we began having anal sex. He could fuck my ass, if he wore a condom AND pulled out at climax, but vaginal sex was out of the question. He has an irrational fear of impregnating a woman. I just figured it was a lot of progress, and it would continue to improve. Slowly, (painfully slowly) it has.

These days, we do everything most other couples do. We both give and receive oral and manual pleasure, we try out lots of positions, we wear costumes, we use toys. Our sex is very normal, and not vanilla. He makes me come so hard that I spontaneously laugh and cry uncontrollably. He orgasms without panicking.

At first, the frequency, once we started, was enough for me. This is probably because I got used to zero sex, but also because I was probably an undiagnosed diabetic with the low sex drive that often goes hand in hand with the disease if left unchecked. As soon as I was getting treatment for PCOS which happened to also begin correcting my diabetes (which was still unknown at the time) my drive returned to normal. I wanted sex all day. I wanted to hump everything in my house. My husband, however, didn't want any more sex than usual.

Lately, I'm very horny, but I only have any interest in masturbation. I dread the idea of fucking my husband. In fact, I'm more interested in sex with just about anyone else, and even then, masturbation seems more appealing. It's odd to me that I would not look forward to sex with my husband. He is kind to me, considerate, manly, good-looking, and mine. Moreover, if we have sex, it will be great! I know this! So why don't I look forward to being sexual? (This is rhetorical.)

I recently experienced a low sex drive on birth control, but that's over, and my drive is back. I still just prefer to play alone. I'm growing so much, sexually, and I'm a little sad that I'm not really sharing it with him. I recently learned so much about my body, and my sexuality (probably because I'm masturbating a whole lot). I spoke to him about some of it, but I could see in his eyes that he knows I don't really want to have sex with him, and that it hurts his feelings, his sense of manhood, and that he doesn't want to share those particular feelings with me. He's hoping it will blow over, and he's being patient with me, as I was with him.

Because of all this, I have been thinking a lot about suggesting counseling with a sex therapist. But I don't know yet if I will.

Anyway, that's a lot of words, all just to say that I am apparently willing to wait four years and counting before insisting on professional help.

With regard to the other questions, I do believe sex is important enough to do something about our sexual dysfunction... eventually. I'm just not sure when eventually is. I haven't figured out what words to use when I tell him we need help. I dread confirming some of his worst fears, I worry about stirring up old hurts, and I just don't feel strong enough right now anyway. I'm far more worried about my two grandmothers becoming demented, alone in their big houses, and my health problems, and my husband's job. Our sex life is as important as these things, but given the complexity I just can't handle confronting the issues involved right now.

What else am I willing to do? I'm not sure.

 

[petite]

Wow, thank you everyone for answering! The responses here have been so insightful, and thorough and thoughtful. Everyone has had so many different experiences.

If you are curious about what sex therapy might be like, there is a reality show available on demand on NetFlix called Sexual Healing that is about couples visiting a famous sex therapist named Dr. Laura Berman. You may have heard of her because there are many sex toys that bear her name! It's good. I've only watched a few episodes now, but I'm really enjoying it. I think if I had seen years ago when I was in my unsatisfying relationship with that guy who had sex like clockwork, I would have taken him to see a sex therapist to see if we could solve our problems (which would have been impossible since neither the show nor NetFlix existed then, but you know what I mean).

 

[pcghabsy]

Thanks for all the discussion. It was a pleasure and insightful reading through it! Can't say I have much to add sorry, but just wanted to show my appreciation...

 

[Drifterwood]

May I just ask Petite? Are you asking whether I, a man, would suggest to a partner, woman in my case, that we seek advice from a sex therapist, if I felt that there was something seriously gone wrong with our sex life?

If that is the case, may I ask how you would feel if the BF turnd to you one day and said "Sugar Muffin, I think we need to see a sex therapist, because it's just not happening for me anymore."?

I get the point that the first thing a therapist tries to do is to effect communication, but at one level that would be asking you to sit and listen in front of a starnger as to exactly what your partner felt your sexual shortcomings were.

Did you hear the one about the couple who went to the counselor who opened by asking, "OK, let's start with something that you have in common."

"Easy" said the man, "neither of us suck cock."