Unhappy sex life: Would you see a sex therapist?

[petite]

May I just ask Petite? Are you asking whether I, a man, would suggest to a partner, woman in my case, that we seek advice from a sex therapist, if I felt that there was something seriously gone wrong with our sex life?

If that is the case, may I ask how you would feel if the BF turnd to you one day and said "Sugar Muffin, I think we need to see a sex therapist, because it's just not happening for me anymore."?

First of all, he would never be so moronic as to word the issue like that, although that was funny. If that's how you bring it up to your wife, then it's really obvious why you need a sex therapist! And that sex therapist can work on how you communicate with your partner.

I think he'd probably say it much more sensitively and diplomatically, like, "I love you. Our sex life has changed since the beginning. In the beginning it was amazing, and I miss that intimacy. I think we should see someone about getting that back because I'm not happy with things the way that they are now, and I love you and I want to be happy together."

If he let me know that he wasn't aroused by me, or that sex with me was lacking somehow, I would be hurt, but if it's a serious problem, I would rather he be honest with me and suggest seeing a sex therapist together, than just stop having sex with me, or leaving me for someone else. To me, that would mean that he wants to save our relationship, and that he loves me and he's serious about making our relationship work.

If it's the first time that your wife knows that there's an issue in the bedroom, then I think she'd be shocked that this was the way that you decided to bring the subject up! However, the men in the other thread that talked about their problems made it clear that their wives already know about their dissatisfaction and that they've failed at communicating with them, and they have just given up trying. It's not the choice that I would make, but it's not my relationship. That's why I was asking the question, what would you do?

Since the repetitive story of unhappy marital sex was generally that the unhappy partner had already brought up these issues so often with their partners and that the issues were already well known, I doubt there would be any surprise over the suggestion that they see a therapist over those issues.

No one has answered the "what else would you do" part of the question, just the part about therapy. I left my OP open to any reply about how you WOULD rekindle the spark. Not a single person has suggested a trip to Hedonism or a romantic vacation in Hawaii, or anything like that. That's interesting.

I get the point that the first thing a therapist tries to do is to effect communication, but at one level that would be asking you to sit and listen in front of a starnger as to exactly what your partner felt your sexual shortcomings were.

I take it then you would not go to therapy? You haven't actually answered the question.

Therapy is hard. It's true that you do have to face your shortcomings. When I was in therapy with my partner, I had to face my shortcomings, too, and that takes guts and a lot of courage and a willingness to change for your partner. But when it comes to something as important as sex or marital happiness, some people have the courage to face their shortcomings to improve the rest of their lives together, rather than quietly remaining unhappy and unsatisfied for however many decades you think you're going to be together, or choosing divorce instead.

Like I said earlier, if you're otherwise happy with your relationship except for the sex, then you only have three options. If you'd rather leave someone that you were happy with rather than choose therapy to improve the problems that you do have together, then that's the choice that you would make. If you'd rather just live with an unhappy sex life rather than choose therapy or leave your partner, then that's the choice that you make. I'd choose the third option, stay and try and fix it by any means I can think of. Every person would make a different choice, which is why I asked the question.

Did you hear the one about the couple who went to the counselor who opened by asking, "OK, let's start with something that you have in common."

"Easy" said the man, "neither of us suck cock."

Ha!

 

[B_subgirrl]

No one has answered the "what else would you do" part of the question, just the part about therapy. I left my OP open to any reply about how you WOULD rekindle the spark. Not a single person has suggested a trip to Hedonism or a romantic vacation in Hawaii, or anything like that. That's interesting.

If it couldn't be rekindled with a combination of good, honest communication, and fixing any obvious problems (ie. health issues, stress), I would very likely consider it too far gone to be fixed by Hawaii. I'm always a fan of honesty and communication. It didn't work with my ex though. It didn't matter how honest I was with him, he just didn't want sex :frown1:

 

[DecoyMAX]

My ex girlfriend had a really low sex drive. Me on the other hand... I could have sex every day. It came to the point in our relationship where I was actually asking to have sex... not good at all. Even the sex when we had it wasn't that great... just plain vanilla. There were several times where she would say "are you almost done". Oh I was done alright... I would just stop totally and leave. Not saying I was perfect or anything, but I would say she was a very easy girl. You be the judge... Sex on the first date hmm?

Right now I am going to School, looking for a job and I am dating two girls. One girl I have been seeing occasionally for the past 2-3 months, and she is totally making me work for it. However I am totally not 100% sure about her. The other girl I just met a couple weeks ago and went out with her once and I have a really good feeling about her.

Not to jack the thread but to get back onto topic; I would totally see a therapist. I recommended that to my ex when we broke up and she said there is no point. I guess that is one of the many differences between us, I do not give up easily at all.

 

[Pitbull]

I'm very stubborn, and I'd wait years. I am waiting years, actually. When my husband and I have sex, it's great, very satisfying, and it gets better all the time. But the fact is, neither of us is satisfied with our sex life. It used to be only I who was underwhelmed by the quantity of sex. Now, we both are.

My husband has a few phobias related to sex. Not fears. Not just insecurities. Phobias. ....

With regard to the other questions, I do believe sex is important enough to do something about our sexual dysfunction... eventually. I'm just not sure when eventually is. I haven't figured out what words to use when I tell him we need help. I dread confirming some of his worst fears, I worry about stirring up old hurts, and I just don't feel strong enough right now anyway. I'm far more worried about my two grandmothers becoming demented, alone in their big houses, and my health problems, and my husband's job. Our sex life is as important as these things, but given the complexity I just can't handle confronting the issues involved right now.

What else am I willing to do? I'm not sure.

I hope I am not out of line by commenting.
If he is as great a man as you say he is, then he should be willing to try to deal with his problem.

When you say phobia, I can only think of the only person I have known with a phobia - and it was so irrational.
My insurance agent had a cat phobia.
She needed to do an insurance inspection on my house and let me know about it. So I told her when she went into the basement I would put the cat away, which I did.
My mistake was I only put the cat away.
The mother cat.
The 5 three week old kittens were bouncing around as cute as could be.
Well not to her.
You would think they were 5 diamondback rattlesnakes that I was threatening to wrap around her neck.

She went into therapy and a few years later told me proudly that she could pet a cat without fear.

It actually works sometimes.
I am not a therapist, but I would think the bigger the problem then the more room for progress.

Yes there are other things going on in life.
But don't wait for them to go away or you will never address the issue.
When you are done dealing with demented parents, then your parents start in with the dementia.
And I know how stressful that situation can be.
It may be a little rough at first but it would be nice to improve a facet of your life and it will be easier to face some of the other things.

You will always have job and health issues.
I don't know you personally but if you both love each other and you both are settling for twice monthly sex, then improving it should not be a confrontation if you both make a loving commitment.

 

[HiddenLacey]

No one has answered the "what else would you do" part of the question, just the part about therapy. I left my OP open to any reply about how you WOULD rekindle the spark. Not a single person has suggested a trip to Hedonism or a romantic vacation in Hawaii, or anything like that. That's interesting.

I'm not sure I understand how you would rekindle something that is gone.

This is just my opinion...

I think that if the spark is REALLY truely gone, romantic trips and working your way through the Kamasutra really isn't going to change the situation.

Either you love someone and the spark is there or it's not. I don't think two people with different sex drives have lost their spark, they're just different people with different sex drives.

 

[Enid]

No one has answered the "what else would you do" part of the question, just the part about therapy. I left my OP open to any reply about how you WOULD rekindle the spark. Not a single person has suggested a trip to Hedonism or a romantic vacation in Hawaii, or anything like that. That's interesting.

good question, i didnt attempt to answer before because its fairly situation-dependent and kinda hard to answer...but some of the things i'd try are toys, sex get-aways, sharing/writing/reading fantasies, role-playing, taking the initiative, helping the partner feel more desirable if that's an issue, making sure i felt as desirable as possible as well, communication, herbal supplements, introducing new bedroom acts we both find interesting and havent tried before, dress-up, orgasm denial games, teasing, going out on dates, giving plenty of sincere compliments and lots lots more depending on the situation/person.

the only thing i'm not down for trying are multiple partners or polyamory.

 

[AlteredEgo]

I hope I am not out of line by commenting.
If he is as great a man as you say he is, then he should be willing to try to deal with his problem.

My husband has gone from impossible to touch to having sex every two weeks or so. Now I'm the one who is disinterested. Horny, but disinterested. I'm the one who wants to put of dealing with it, because I'm not sure how to put it lovingly, and because I just can't deal with it right now anyway. When my grandmothers are sorted, I'll be done dealing with aging family. My parents are dead, which is why my grandmothers are my problem. I won't always be struggling to get my diabetes under control. I'm having to take my whole life, and change all my favorite things. I'm a pastry chef. This is a lot like a mechanic or surgeon dealing with rhuematoid arthritis. I'm dealing with my mortality, and feelings of berevement and deprivation. I'm making changes I don't like or want, and my sugar isn't coming down far enough. I may have to let go of some of my dreams forever. I do not want to deal with this right now too. It can wait.

 

[Pitbull]

Good luck.
Maybe you need the therapy for everything else.
Hope things get better soon for you.

 

[Drifterwood]

Petite, do you understand, or have you experienced the variations of fucking with passion and fucking with lust, and all the variations that two people can have in this respect? and then the effects of these?

Then there is the question of sex drive disparity and fluctuation, which has been well covered here.

Finally there can be fundamental incompatability in terms of both attitude and interest in sex beyond the vanilla.

How do you expect a therapist to help a couple with any of these, other than to bring into the open potentially irreconcilable differences?

I am sure that there are couples who work in all these areas, though probably not without the compromises that Man B has mentioned, but my observation of the majority of us is that we will find incompatabilities, stonewalls. Going to a therapist is one option, not making it a cause for relationship break down is another.

 

[B_subgirrl]

When you say phobia, I can only think of the only person I have known with a phobia - and it was so irrational.

Part of the criteria for something to be classed as a phobia is that the fear is out of proportion to the danger posed by the the object or situation - basically, it's an irrational fear.

People with phobias usually realise that their fear is irrational, but that doesn't lessen the fear any in and of itself.

 

[AlteredEgo]

Good luck.
Maybe you need the therapy for everything else.
Hope things get better soon for you.

thank you for the kind thoughts. Things will get better eventually. They always do. I have had therapy before, so I'm definitely not opposed. However, my life has been one pretty much defined by adversity, so I have lots of great coping mechanisms, and practice using them. My emotional life is really difficult right now, but not insurmountably so. I can still see the light at the end of the tunnel! Right now I don't think therapy is warranted. I need to save my annual therapy allowance from my insurance for the sex therapy that seems inevitable. And we need to keep working on our sexual dysfunction on our own for a little while longer.

Part of the criteria for something to be classed as a phobia is that the fear is out of proportion to the danger posed by the the object or situation - basically, it's an irrational fear.

People with phobias usually realise that their fear is irrational, but that doesn't lessen the fear any in and of itself.

That is absolutely correct. There was a time where he would freak out if I got into bed without underwear. Mind you, we are nudists. But we'd dress to sleep, because his phobia dictated that we protect ourselves from the possibility of nocturnal emissions.

To illustrate how far we have come, he is very excited about trying to start a family in mid-2013. He is confident that he can ejaculate inside me by then, and has entered me without a condom on a few occasions when I was still on the pill. I'm really proud of him, and what he's achieved for himself in this regard.

 

[petite]

Part of the criteria for something to be classed as a phobia is that the fear is out of proportion to the danger posed by the the object or situation - basically, it's an irrational fear.

People with phobias usually realise that their fear is irrational, but that doesn't lessen the fear any in and of itself.

This is true! I have a phobia, and it's irrational, it doesn't mean that it doesn't generate a physical response in me. My heart rate will rise, and it makes me nauseous, and sometimes it makes me pass out. Does it make sense? No. Does that make it any less of a problem? No. Does knowing how extremely irrational it is make it go away? I wish it did!

 

[petite]

AE, I was extremely touched by your description of your relationship with your husband and it made me think of my past relationships and what I would choose to do now. I was thinking about what I would have done differently, and whether I would have gone with the therapy route if I could go back and do things differently. For me, it depends on the relationship I had with that person, whether there was a lot more there than just our sexual relationship with one another. I've had a lot of ex-boyfriends, but I have only had three that are the really important relationships in my life, and if I could have done something earlier in the last two to rescue those relationships, I think I would choose now to try. As for the rest, I wouldn't have bothered trying at all. Those relationships weren't worth rescuing. What I would have done really depends on the man and how close we were and what we shared together in our relationship and whether I think there might have been more potential there for more years of happiness.

I'm sorry that you are going through such a terrible time right now. It does sound like there's too much going on in your life right now. I hope things get better for you, easier for you.

 

[petite]

good question, i didnt attempt to answer before because its fairly situation-dependent and kinda hard to answer...but some of the things i'd try are toys, sex get-aways, sharing/writing/reading fantasies, role-playing, taking the initiative, helping the partner feel more desirable if that's an issue, making sure i felt as desirable as possible as well, communication, herbal supplements, introducing new bedroom acts we both find interesting and havent tried before, dress-up, orgasm denial games, teasing, going out on dates, giving plenty of sincere compliments and lots lots more depending on the situation/person.

the only thing i'm not down for trying are multiple partners or polyamory.

I hear you. And I understand why sex is so important in your relationships now, because of your past experiences. There's nothing wrong with that, that you have that need.

Oh, absolutely true about it being situation dependent regarding what you would do, and also partner and relationship dependent. When I try to imagine certain boyfriends I had and how they would react to the suggestion that we address our relationship problems by seeing a therapist, I know they would have all reacted differently, so it just depends on the man whether I'd do it now.

You wrote about how you didn't feel that it was an ego blow when your partner didn't have sex with you because of his erectile dysfunction caused by his meds. I don't think that would have negatively affected my ego either because then he wasn't rejecting you, he was having a medical issue that prevented him from having sex with you. The boyfriend I had immediately before TheBoyfriend stopped having sex with me. As far as I know, there was no medical reason. In fact, he seemed to be mad at me over something, but he was too passive aggressive to tell me what it was and I never figured it out. It went on for about 6 weeks, after we had been having regular sex nearly every night. I never figured out what was wrong or why he stopped having sex with me. It negatively affected my ego! As far as I was concerned, he had rejected me sexually and that made me feel very unattractive and unsexy, having him reject my advances over and over again for no good reason and never come on to me, ever. It was hard on me. I broke up with him after 6 weeks of that, after it seemed like things weren't changing. I still didn't know why he was mad at me or why he wasn't having sex with me, and after I broke up with him, he had the gall to act "hurt" that I ended the relationship, which went on for at least the next six months. That relationship wasn't worth saving, not even trying, but we only dated for about 4 months total. I didn't have much time invested in it, and we didn't have much of a relationship with each other outside of the bed and our common group of friends. Sharing a tight-knit social group seemed to be the main thing that held us together, not our relationship with one another. I didn't look back. It wasn't worth it.

But that guy I talked about before, the one that had sex with me like clockwork, he was different. Outside the bedroom, we were so great together. He shared all my interests, really loved them, so that doing the things I enjoyed was twice as fun when it was with him. He loved all the same movies and books I did and enjoyed reading them at the same time with me, so that we'd have these conversations that would last all day about them and I would never once be bored. Talking to him was more interesting than doing anything else. We had the same sense of humor and enjoyed the same music and food and restaurants. I adored him. I know that people saw us and envied how close we were, what good friends we were to one another, how much we enjoyed each other's company. But we had problems, really huge problems. He had issues with jealousy, and that's what brought us to the relationship counselor. We also had issues in the bedroom, and even though I didn't spell out that I was unhappy, he knew that I was unhappy with him sexually, and that made him paranoid, and his paranoia made him jealous. Now I look back and I wonder if we shouldn't have seen a sex therapist instead of a relationship therapist, since I believe that the root of our problems began in the bedroom. Instead, I was willing to go through relationship therapy first and put the sex on the back burner at the time. Who knows whether the other might have been better? His jealousy made me miserable in a relationshp that I could have been very happy in, which is the reason why I tried so hard to rescue it. I was happy in that relationship, except for the jealousy and the sex. Everything else was perfect. If we could have fixed those things, it would have been the most perfect relationship I could imagine at the time. In the end I believed that we were never going to fix the jealousy issue and I decided to end that relationship, despite him begging me to keep trying, keep working on it with him, stay with him, but I couldn't live with the jealousy forever, and we didn't make enough progress on that problem, and I was unhappy and suspected that I would just grow more and more unhappy. I wanted to end things while we still had many happy memories, instead of letting it fall apart until there was nothing but bitterness to look back on, because I believed that we were on a slippery slope heading towards the end.

So it didn't work for me with him, but he was one unique man. A very unique man. It doesn't mean that therapy wouldn't work with a different partner. I think it would be very close-minded and obtuse of me to assume that what didn't work with him applies to every other man and every other relationship. That relationship had problems unique to it, as every one does. With a different man, a different relationship, a different outcome.

My relationship with TheBoyfriend is one that I would work hard at saving, too, because of who he is and the relationship we have with one another. Based upon what I've learned about how I feel about the relationships I've had the past and which ones were the most important to me and how they ended and how I feel about them, I think that with this man and this relationship, I would go to extremes to save it while I feel that it's worth saving. I'd try everything that you listed, and therapy, and more. I wouldn't do it with just any man or for any relationship, but I would for this one, for him. I'd try anything.

 

[petite]

I'm not sure I understand how you would rekindle something that is gone.

This is just my opinion...

I think that if the spark is REALLY truely gone, romantic trips and working your way through the Kamasutra really isn't going to change the situation.

Either you love someone and the spark is there or it's not. I don't think two people with different sex drives have lost their spark, they're just different people with different sex drives.

Well, I wrote in the post just above about my relationship with one of my ex-boyfriends, the one who had sex with me like clockwork. We had problems in the bedroom, but that didn't mean that we didn't have any chemistry at all or that we weren't really incredible companions and friends. In fact, at the time, other than the sex and his jealousy issues, he really was the most perfect boyfriend I could imagine at the time. We were great together, so I wanted to fix the two things that weren't working. We loved each other, in fact I think I still loved every man I've ever broken up with, so love has never been the problem when it comes to relationships with me, IMO, it's their functionality, whether we were good for each other, and whether we made each other happy that were the issues, but not love.

Relationships also go through their ups and downs when it comes to sex, even though the rest of the relationship is fantastic. TheBoyfriend and I have gone through this. I'd say we lost the spark once or twice before, but that I wasn't willing to give up on him. It can be re-found. The sex can get exciting again, when things in the relationship are healthy.

There was one time a while ago when I was going to leave him because of issues that we were having, very serious issues, and I stopped having sex with him for 2 months. It's the longest I've ever stopped having sex with anyone, but I was considering ending the relationship and we weren't doing well, and I didn't want to have sex with him during that time. I really can't talk about those problems here because it would involve discussing things like our careers and other personal issues that I refuse to discuss here because of reasons of privacy, but it didn't have anything to do with fidelity or any other men/women or anything like that, just to let you know. Obviously things worked out, but I really wonder if they wouldn't have worked out better and faster if we had seen a professional about our issues. I think I cried every single day because I didn't know what I wanted to do, stay or leave, and it was awful. I was miserable. When we started having sex again, we weren't exactly swinging from the chandeliers again immediately, but we definitely were later on! Wow, we were later on! Sex has been better than ever this past year! So, I believe that passion can ignited again.

But that's this relationship. They're all different. I know that each and every single one of my relationships has been different from each other, and they all had me in common! What worked with TheBoyfriend wouldn't have worked with previous boyfriends or someone else entirely. The same choices made in a different relationship with a different man would produce different outcomes. I don't think there's one right way or answer for every person and every situation and every relationship.

 

[HiddenLacey]

Well, I wrote in the post just above about my relationship with one of my ex-boyfriends, the one who had sex with me like clockwork. We had problems in the bedroom, but that didn't mean that we didn't have any chemistry at all or that we weren't really incredible companions and friends. In fact, at the time, other than the sex and his jealousy issues, he really was the most perfect boyfriend I could imagine at the time. We were great together, so I wanted to fix the two things that weren't working. We loved each other, in fact I think I still loved every man I've ever broken up with, so love has never been the problem when it comes to relationships with me, IMO, it's their functionality, whether we were good for each other, and whether we made each other happy that were the issues, but not love.

Relationships also go through their ups and downs when it comes to sex, even though the rest of the relationship is fantastic. TheBoyfriend and I have gone through this. I'd say we lost the spark once or twice before, but that I wasn't willing to give up on him. It can be re-found. The sex can get exciting again, when things in the relationship are healthy.

There was one time a while ago when I was going to leave him because of issues that we were having, very serious issues, and I stopped having sex with him for 2 months. It's the longest I've ever stopped having sex with anyone, but I was considering ending the relationship and we weren't doing well, and I didn't want to have sex with him during that time. I really can't talk about those problems here because it would involve discussing things like our careers and other personal issues that I refuse to discuss here because of reasons of privacy, but it didn't have anything to do with fidelity or any other men/women or anything like that, just to let you know. Obviously things worked out, but I really wonder if they wouldn't have worked out better and faster if we had seen a professional about our issues. I think I cried every single day because I didn't know what I wanted to do, stay or leave, and it was awful. I was miserable. When we started having sex again, we weren't exactly swinging from the chandeliers again immediately, but we definitely were later on! Wow, we were later on! Sex has been better than ever this past year! So, I believe that passion can ignited again.

But that's this relationship. They're all different. I know that each and every single one of my relationships has been different from each other, and they all had me in common! What worked with TheBoyfriend wouldn't have worked with previous boyfriends or someone else entirely. The same choices made in a different relationship with a different man would produce different outcomes. I don't think there's one right way or answer for every person and every situation and every relationship.

I agree with what you are saying. I'm horrible at phrasing things and piecing my thoughts together with words so I tend to ramble. Talking IRL is so much easier for me because I am able to express myself better. I missed discussions on topics like this:smile:

I guess what I was trying to get across is this,

When I am with someone, I'm angry, sad, my life is f'd up, bills, family, petty shit can come between me and a partner. But inside I still feel like, I love him, I want things to be better so that I want to have sex with him again. I can still want to be with him and kick his is ass at the same time, even though I'm really being a petty bitch and he's being a royal asshole, etc. The spark is still there, it's not gone, it's just pushed to the side by whatever WE have let come between us. At this point the relantionship can be repaired. Then the smoldering embers stirred and the fire brought back out.

When I am with someone and things have changed the relantionship, me , him, life, whatever and the thought of being with him is unpleasant... nothing will bring that back. Not all the romance in the world or therapy.

 

[petite]

First of all, I really have to tip my hat to Petite for the sheer volume of work she's put into this thread: it's amazing.

Thank you! I wanted to thank you for sharing your personal experiences with me, with so much honesty. It was enlightening.

This isn't a simple subject, and it's not one that has a single correct answer, because every person and relationship and situation is different.

I am so sorry to read about your partner's seroconversion. I can't imagine how hard that was for you, or what effect that would have on your relationship with one another.

Your description of your partner who suggested couples counseling reminded me of my experience in counseling. My partner with the jealousy problem was highly manipulative and had issues with the truth. He wanted to be seen in a good light by our therapist so badly, that he would simply lie right in front of me and him, in order to make himself look better, which would force me to call him out on his lying. In a way though, his desire to be seen as "the good guy" did actually help him to change his behavior, even if he did not possess the courage to admit to the truth when in front of our therapist. It was a frustrating experience that lowered my opinion of him, watching him lie like that, and that was a problem.

 

[petite]

We, as men, are supposed to let women know that we are ready, able, and willing to get intimate at all times. He should desire, yearn, hunger for her. BUT - if he hounds her for sex, he's horrible and needs to be more sensitive. The balance is tough, but it can be done. I learned it quickly.

bmwr, thank you for taking the time to answer my post! Your answers were very interesting. I suspected all of that might be the truth, that there were certain expectations of chivalrous behavior expected from men and certain expectations of feminist behavior expected from women that would lead each to react and behave differently in the same situation. I know that TheBoyfriend walks that same line all the time, too, and I try and keep in mind how he feels that he is supposed to behave or react and the reasons why he does or doesn't do certain things. I want to understand his point of view and his motivations in our relationship.

I would wait one month. If he does not touch me for that long I think I would die. It's not that I need sex that much (but I like it!) But I crave attention. If you don't give me attention, there is a problem. A big one. I have no kids, so there is not that excuse. I like to have the attention, and I live to give you the same love back. But if you start ignoring me? Oh that has to end FAST! I just can't imagine him ever not being interested in sex or my body.

I had one boyfriend suddenly stop having sex with me, for reasons he never explained to me. He rejected every advance I made, and didn't make any towards me. He hardly even kissed me, or only kissed me a little bit before stopping. It made me feel horrible, like I was too unattractive to fuck. It was horrible! I ended it in 6 weeks.

I didn't have sex with TheBoyfriend once for 2 months, but he knew why and didn't bring up sex as an issue. We were having other problems and I didn't want to have sex with him at the time. It was an entirely different situation. I think now that maybe we should have seen a professional about it. We solved the problem on our own, but I have to be honest, I think it was much more painful than it needed to be and took far longer than it needed to be. I think it might have been far less painful and better for us if we had talked to someone else about it.

Love is considered to be more important than sex. Can't have sex with someone whom I don't love. Can't fall in love with someone who doesn't have a chemistry with me. There are only two people whom I adore and would love to have sex with.

Love is more important than sex! I do have the ability to have sex with someone that I don't love, but I respect your choice not to, and the feeling that you don't want to have sex with someone that you don't love.

My ex girlfriend had a really low sex drive. Me on the other hand... I could have sex every day. It came to the point in our relationship where I was actually asking to have sex... not good at all. Even the sex when we had it wasn't that great... just plain vanilla. There were several times where she would say "are you almost done". Oh I was done alright... I would just stop totally and leave. Not saying I was perfect or anything, but I would say she was a very easy girl. You be the judge... Sex on the first date hmm?

Right now I am going to School, looking for a job and I am dating two girls. One girl I have been seeing occasionally for the past 2-3 months, and she is totally making me work for it. However I am totally not 100% sure about her. The other girl I just met a couple weeks ago and went out with her once and I have a really good feeling about her.

Not to jack the thread but to get back onto topic; I would totally see a therapist. I recommended that to my ex when we broke up and she said there is no point. I guess that is one of the many differences between us, I do not give up easily at all.

I ask to have sex, but TheBoyfriend asked me to ask him to have sex. I thought that I would hate it, but it turns out that I love it. I love being able to ask for sex. It's the greatest thing ever! At least I think so. :smile:

I think I'm like you, it's a part of my personality to be proactive, problem solving. That's who I am. If it's worth saving, I'm going to work to save it or to keep it as good as possible. When I've decided it's over, I end it. There's really nothing in between with me.

 

[B_subgirrl]

thank you for the kind thoughts. Things will get better eventually. They always do. I have had therapy before, so I'm definitely not opposed. However, my life has been one pretty much defined by adversity, so I have lots of great coping mechanisms, and practice using them. My emotional life is really difficult right now, but not insurmountably so. I can still see the light at the end of the tunnel! Right now I don't think therapy is warranted. I need to save my annual therapy allowance from my insurance for the sex therapy that seems inevitable. And we need to keep working on our sexual dysfunction on our own for a little while longer.

That is absolutely correct. There was a time where he would freak out if I got into bed without underwear. Mind you, we are nudists. But we'd dress to sleep, because his phobia dictated that we protect ourselves from the possibility of nocturnal emissions.

To illustrate how far we have come, he is very excited about trying to start a family in mid-2013. He is confident that he can ejaculate inside me by then, and has entered me without a condom on a few occasions when I was still on the pill. I'm really proud of him, and what he's achieved for himself in this regard.

It's wonderful to hear how far your husband has come. And the fact that you stayed with him, despite his phobia, shows how much love you must have for each other - many people wouldn't have been willing (or able) to help him work through it.

It sounds like you have a lot going on right now. Hopefully things will settle down again one day. My thoughts are with you AE.

This is true! I have a phobia, and it's irrational, it doesn't mean that it doesn't generate a physical response in me. My heart rate will rise, and it makes me nauseous, and sometimes it makes me pass out. Does it make sense? No. Does that make it any less of a problem? No. Does knowing how extremely irrational it is make it go away? I wish it did!

I've got several phobias and they are all completely irrational. They still terrify me though. My reaction tends to be an automatic freeze or slowing down, mentally and physically. Just thinking about them is enough to bring on the mental freeze.

AE, I was extremely touched by your description of your relationship with your husband and it made me think of my past relationships and what I would choose to do now. I was thinking about what I would have done differently, and whether I would have gone with the therapy route if I could go back and do things differently.

Gosh, if I could have gone back, would I have done things differently?

Ex 1: Drug fucked with a fucked up past. The sex was fine. If I'd stayed with him I'd have a tribe of kids, would possibly be drug fucked myself, would have no money, and he probably would still have killed himself, so I'd be husband-less. The sex was fine though. I don't think I would change anything in my behaviour if I could go back again.

Ex 2: The nice guy. He was lovely, the relationship was fine by most people's standards. The sex sucked. It was vanilla +10. Would a therapist have helped? Possibly. If I could turn back time I would never have cheated on him, and I would have had the balls to tell him what was wrong with us much earlier. Although I wasn't 100% sure what was wrong myself. I had feelings about it, but not enough experience to pinpoint what I felt and name it.

FB with blurred boundaries: Sex was fine, the relationship was confused. I'm not sure how I could have communicated any better with him. A therapist might have actually been useful here if he/she forced us to sit down and say clearly what we each wanted from the relationship. But he would NEVER have gone to one and to be honest, I never considered it myself - never even thought about it as an option.

Ex 3: Relationship was largely fine. Sex was crap. Basically, there wasn't any. Towards the end it was once every three or four months. He had no sex drive, I had a massive sex drive. It was never going to work long term, and if I hadn't been depressed, I would have realised it years earlier. I wish I had. A therapist could not have made our sex drives match.

 

[Boobalaa]

Ask yourself..

1. What motivates someone to want to become a Sex Therapist?
2. What motivates you to want to discuss your sex life with a total stranger?
3. Remember, just because someone is getting paid do do something doesn't make them an expert
4. Exactly how does one train to become a Sex Therapist?
5. If you do go see a therapist, and you're already alright, you'll be all right when you leave; but if you feel you are truly messed up, you run the risk of getting more messed up after you talk to a therapist.