It's good that you got out of the relationship with the druggie. My first love got into drugs after I broke up with him, something I feel guilty about since I'm positive it would never have happened if we had stayed together and I was the one who broke up with him and regretted that decision, but I refused to take him back until he cleaned up. He never cleaned up, at least not in time for us. He is clean now and doing fantastic. He's happily married and has an extremely successful business and he's really happy. I still talk to him occassionally. We keep in touch.
My druggie was my first love too! He was a pot smoker and managed to go through $175 a week worth of pot. Mostly bought with my money, because his income was less than that and he smoked cigarettes as well. He also couldn't hold down a job, was extremely jealous, and had the worst mood swings and emotional control I've ever seen. I was also worried that he may eventually turn to harder drugs. Yep, definitely good that I got out of that one. When he killed himself I did have a few moments of guilt, wondering if I could have 'fixed' him, or if he might not have done it if we'd stayed together (it happened some years after we broke up). But truly, I think it was something that was always going to happen. I couldn't have fixed him, because he didn't want to be fixed, he saw it all (life) as too hard. So I do feel sad for him, and for the children and girlfriend that he left behind, but I don't beat myself up about it, and I feel thankful that I got out when I did.
It's great to hear that your druggie cleaned up and everything worked out well for him. It's nice to hear success stories occasionally :smile:. And good on you for refusing to get back with him unless he cleaned up. That may be part of why he eventually DID clean up - because you showed him that a healthy relationship and drugs don't mix (usually).
TheBF is a nice guy. Super incredibly unbelievably nice! Yeah, therapy might have helped there with your nice guy, if he was nice like TheBF is. We were very vanilla and becoming less and less vanilla. It's fun! I don't know if TheBF would have ever pushed me towards kinkiness and sexual exploration, but he's so nice and open-minded towards me that he's been receptive to all sorts of suggestions and ideas. It's really.... nice. I like nice. :smile: Was that before you got into your kinks?
He was a super nice guy. Probably a lot like TheBF in some ways. He would have done anything for me and would have made a perfect husband and father. I actually felt that he was TOO nice for me. Especially coming right after the argumentative druggie. I didn't know what to do with him or how to cope with someone who did everything I asked. It was too easy to take advantage of him and I felt uncomfortable getting along all the time. At a different time in my life he probably would have worked well for me (except sexually), but at that point it was all wrong. When I broke up with him I used the cliched line 'It's not you, it's me' and I really MEANT it! He thought I was just using a standardised line. But it was true. He was all the right things, but I didn't fit with him.
I was with him before I realised what I liked sexually. I had nagging suspicions and felt unfulfilled, but had no idea WHY I felt unfulfilled. The sex was nice, and I orgasmed, so what was the problem? Now I would be able to say 'You're just too nice in bed. I need you to treat me rougher'. I could give him websites to look at and write him a list of what I liked. But then I didn't KNOW what I liked, so I couldn't tell him. I think even if I could have told him, it wouldn't have changed anything. I think he was too nice at heart and didn't have an ounce of dominance in him. But if I'd known what I wanted, we could at least have tried. This is where the therapist may have come in handy. A therapist may have encouraged me to figure out what I wanted and helped me to communicate how important it was.
We stayed friends for years after we broke up but then lost contact. I've been thinking recently about getting back in touch with him. Not to get back together again (according to his facebook page he has a wife and kids), just to reconnect. I've missed him.
I know what you mean about being with a guy who wouldn't see a therapist with you. The one guy I saw a couples counselor with refused to go until I told him that I would not stay with him unless we went together. I was serious about that, too, but he didn't understand that the jealousy issue wasn't something I could live with, and we would either fix it or I would leave. Maybe that was part of the problem, maybe he was resisting the process because he was there under an ultimatum and he could be stubborn like that, but I was serious about not living with the issue, and I did leave him eventually. I guess that he didn't know me as well as I thought he did. He should have realized that about me.
Ahhh, jealousy is a big problem and not something I would put up with. The druggie ex had some really jealous moments. I think with most girls he would have become one of those controlling jealous types, but I told him I would leave him if he kept on with it, and he took me seriously.
With the FB with blurred boundaries (I'll call him the FBBB), it was mostly communication that was the problem. Well, that and the blurred boundaries. Every now and then I would tell him how I felt about him, but most of the time I kept quiet because 'we weren't supposed to be in a relationship'. Then when I did come out with how I felt, he would murmur sweet nothings in my ear, and we'd have sex with nothing being clearly communicated or resolved (especially on his part). But then the FBBB would have moments when he seemed convinced that we were 'together'. It was all just too confusing. I think he was trying to have the best of both worlds. He wanted me to be faithful to him, but didn't want the responsibilities of a relationship (like seeing your partner more than once a week). Nevertheless, when it ended (because I had found ex 3) it felt as bad as any other break up and he was just as upset as he would have been if we were together. I think a therapist could have helped (forced? :smile
us to communicate with each other. A simple 'this is what I want' and 'this is what I'm willing to accept' would have solved a lot of problems.
I didn't realize that you've already been in a relationship that was so sexless. Sometimes, you just aren't compatible! Sometimes you just aren't meant to be together.
Oh, it was bloody awful! During the 'honeymoon period' all was good. We had sex often, if not quite as often as I would have liked. Once the honeymoon period was over, it was still sort of OK, because I would initiate sex and encourage him to participate. But once I had depression, it all went downhill fast. He never initiated, because he didn't want sex. I never initiated because I was depressed (It was my version of a lowered sex drive. I still wanted sex as much, but couldn't initiate). So sex just didn't happen. And the more it didn't happen, the more unattractive I felt, and the more depressed I got, which meant I initiated sex even less. I've read in your posts that you experienced similar feelings when an ex didn't have sex with you often, so you know the kind of effect it can have. Added to all of that was that he never came. Ever (well, maybe once or twice a year). I knew his problem wasn't related to me, but it still FELT like it was my fault. So I ended up being a depressed mess, who never got sex. This was probably the biggest factor in creating and maintaining the depression. But because I was depressed I didn't have the motivation to change anything or end the relationship. I give thanks to my cat regularly for being the one to help end it all (yes, my cat). I'm finally beginning to get my sexual confidence back again (years later) and it feels fantastic! As I'm giving out thank yous I should thank my FB because he has had a big part in helping me to feel sexually confident and desired again. I try not to dwell on those crappy years too much, because I want to see things positively, but it's taken a long time to recover from it. I wish I'd ended it sooner, but I didn't and that's the way it is.
