Unraveling my sexuality

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by Quite Irate, Apr 21, 2007.

  1. Quite Irate

    Quite Irate Member

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    I am very complicated sexually. I'm basically a medical absurdity, and I've never met anyone in my situation, so getting answers has never been very easy. For a while I gave up on trying to figure it out, but recent situations have caused me to start thinking about it again. Reading a response to one of my other threads made me realize that I can't go on with my life without knowing the basics of who I am. I'm hoping that LPSG can help.

    To start, here are some unusual things about me (in particular my body):

    I was expected to be born as a girl, but I was instead born a boy unexpectedly.

    I've always been VERY feminine in appearance, which is only enhanced by the fact that I'm a crossdresser. I have womanly hips, in particular.

    I have over-the-top production of both testosterone and estrogen. The doctors I've been with so far haven't provided even an idea on why this might be.

    As a little kid I had a minor case of gynecomastia (man boobs), but they slowly disappeared over time and every doctor I've been to has told me that I now have a normal male chest, apart from an oddly shaped rib cage.

    Contrary to what you'd think, I don't have a tiny dick. I have a 7" penis, which is exactly the same size (in length) when flaccid and erect (this has been confirmed by two doctors).

    I can think of plenty other weird things with my body, but those are pretty much the important bits. Now on to me as a person:

    I'm a crossdresser. I like wearing women's clothing, and I've always liked it for as long as I can remember. My crossdressing is not, I repeat, not transvestic fetishism in the least.

    Growing up, I didn't know who I was supposed to be interested in for playing and hanging out with (I wasn't like one of those gay guys who used to play with girls and dolls as a kid). In fact, I had very few friends at all as a kid. I'm not an introverted person most of the time, so you can imagine that this was hard for me. Then I got older, and people started to get personality. They were experimenting, and this is where I kind of became human. I found my little subculture of deviants, and basically I sifted through it all and held on to what I liked (this is where I still am today, at the terribly old age of 19). I realized, once I started being around people, that I genuinely liked males and females pretty much the same. Of course, I saw everyone around me being hormonal and going after anything with a heartbeat, but I was fortunate to recognize it as pure lust and nothing more. However, I noticed that I didn't just want to have sex with people, I wanted to be with them. My purposes seemed so much more romantic than the rest of that teenage wasteland. After a while I started to doubt my own intentions, and "admitted" to myself that my thinking like that was really just me being pretentious and thinking I was better than everyone else. Well, that I-hate-myself mindset held on for some time, but then I started to notice that people were quietly slipping away from people they used to know and even have intimate relations with. Everyone was going straight, forgetting anything they or others may have done in return for other people doing the same for them. Meanwhile, I was stuck in stasis, because I still liked both sexes, and continue to like both to this day. I know that I'm still very young, and that it's understandable for me to feel like this even if it won't turn out like I think it will in the long run, but I feel as if I've reached the last stop.

    In a little more detail: I feel like a guy who is attracted to guys and girls most of the time, but occasionally I just feel...inexplicably feminine. That's not to say that I don't like guys and girls when I feel feminine - I still do. But when I feel feminine, I get this notion that I can relate more to the female body and mind. But then I turn around and I'm just your average crossdressing guy again, and I can't understand what made me think the way I was thinking.

    Now I have this threesome situation on my hands, and I'm not sure what to do about it. There's a guy and a girl, both who say they're bisexual. He knew me before he knew her, but then we didn't see each other for a few years and he went on with his life. Recently we met up again. The three of us had a great time, but it's all so very confusing. I can't fully explain this in a single thread, but fortunately I already wrote about it in another: http://www.lpsg.org/et-cetera-et-cetera/47786-best-10-days-my-life.html

    I'm very confused right now, because I'm running the fool's errand and trying to make sense of emotions, yet somehow I can't let it go and take its course. I need direction. People at LPSG somehow seem very experienced at life, more so than in other internet forums. I need answers that I can't provide, but I'm hoping you can. Thanks for reading all of this.

     
  2. novice_btm

    Staff Member Moderator Gold Member

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    WOW! OK, I have to admit I'm at a loss. That is, I wish that I had something that I could offer, informationally. However, I do have to say, "Thank you!". It's really wonderful to hear your story, and while I don't have any info to offer you towards any great revelation, you offering your story is a great revelation to me, and to hopefully many others. I think that it's through all of us relating our stories here that makes this such a great place. I suppose I could throw in the "brave" or "courageous" tags here, but really, for me, I think it's more meaningful if I just thank you for this thread. I'm sure someone else will be along soon to offer you more along the lines of "help", or insight.

    Again, thanks!
     
  3. Onslow

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    So many things to consider--the main things to remember are that each of us is in some way superbly unique--different in our own special way. Like yourself for who you are--you like men, you like women, you like people.

    You say you're a guy attracted to males and females but sometimes feel inexplicably feminine and that this bothers you--don't fret over it. Sexuality is more than just a and b, there are a lot of variables. Again enjoy being who you are--don't try to fit into a textbook diagram. Some folks will not like you and some will, some will be utterly fascinated (almost to a point of obsession). Everybody has to go through that--well, persons who are true to themselves at least. I am a Freeber--I stay free to myself, I do not try to conform. Love has existed at times and at times it has left. There are many who do not like me, there are many who are confused, and many who are unable to give me 5 minutes to myself. People are the same--and different--everywhere. Again, be true to you. I have yet to fit in and the majority of the time, this is okay--yes there are days when it hurts; but that passes.

    At the end of your message, you tell us that you need answers which you can't provide. Actually you can, but it will take living life to find those answers. All anyone else can do is tell you their personal experiences--which in essence is a large part of what you will find on this board. Think for a moment of what happens if I (or anyone) tells you that you should do "this, this and this" and then it turns out bad--that will not make you feel better. Life can be rough and tough--dig deep inside yourself and find courage to face it, because the odds are that Yes You Can. It may elicit moments of terror or panic as you discover yourself but over time most of that subsides and living becomes comfortable.
     
  4. drumstyck

    drumstyck New Member

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    you pretty much just summed up the entire spectrum of philosophy & religion & everything in one sentence...well done.


    i dont wanna just make this sound like a cliche "motivational speaker" speech...but it really just boils down to doing what you want, whatever makes you happy...take a step back, forget about sex with guys or sex with girls, or sex AS a guy or AS a girl, or dressing like the "wrong" sex...just try to start from scratch...do what feels most comfortable...if comfortable means a different thing tomorrow, who's gonna stop you?
     
  5. madame_zora

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    Onslow, sometimes you really are amazing!

    QI, I can only add that not only is the confusion a good launching place for self-discovery (and in that, we are only too happy to offer our experiences), but it's actually a GOOD part of the fun of life. While our society conditions us to believe that pat answers will lead to happiness for all, it's pure bullshit.

    I'm letting this concept sink in for myself right now too, so bear with me. A life of confusion, uncertainty, experimentation, reassessment, and trying and trying anew sound daunting, but the difference between the smiling older people you'll know and the emotionally shut down or broken ones is in just this. You're at such a magical time in your life right now, and you bring joy to us all in watching you play with your new toys (that's not a sexual comment at all). I see a person in the park letting go of a bunch of helium balloons and the joy in their eyes watching them float up to who knows where, that's how I think of you.

    You don't have to have all the answers to enjoy the ride. Sure, it's satisfying at some point to find out what a radiator and a carburator do, but it's not essential to putting gas in the car and going.

    I only know a couple bisexual people closely, but one of them is my daughter. I learn new things from her every time I turn around, but that's been true all our lives. I will tell you what I tell her- I envy you your opportunities and your lack of restraints. Will you get hurt more? Probably, I'm sorry to say. But will you love more? You will if you're smart.
     
  6. Dave NoCal

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    Quite Irate

    Not to be rude but I wonder if you are intersexed. That is, having both male and female sexual organs. The reason I wonder is because of atypical hormone levels and the confusion about your sex prior to birth. If this is the case, there may be medical issues to consider. For example, undescended testicles are cancer prone, or so I have read. Have you been throroughly evalauated by a top-notch endocrinologist?
    Dave
     
  7. absinthium

    absinthium New Member

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    Okay, so I normally don't post on this forum (lately) except to make a horse's ass of myself, however, my mom (Mizz Zora) told me I could probably be of some help to you.

    First, a bit about me...

    From all outward appearances, I am female. My brain feels about 50/50, but, like you, it changes with the wind as to what I feel at a given moment. I know that I am bisexual, knew since I was 15, so I want to say, dearest, that if you have a suspicion about yourself now, you're probably right. Welcome to the world of bisexuality, it is incredibly freeing and incredibly difficult all at the same time! It's one of my favorite things about myself at times, and one of the darkest and most shameful things about myself.

    As it turns out, I've also been dealing with a very similar situation to yours for quite some time now... Last year, my boyfriend (with whom I live now) and a friend of ours had a threesome. It wasn't the wisest decision, as a.) we were all drunk, b.) I said I'd never have a threesome with a close friend/someone I'd have to see on a daily basis, and, c.) I make a point of NEVER messing around with my friends' exes, and this girl just happened to be freshly dumped by one of my oldest friends.

    Yikes on a stick with sauce, basically.

    As I'm sure you can well imagine, I developed feelings for this girl, she's always had a thing for me, (from what I've come to understand,) and my boyfriend is pretty crushed by the whole g.d. thing. It's been a confusing time for me, and while I can't really offer you much in the way of advice, I can tell you that these things happen to folks just like yourself all over the world.

    You need to figure out what you, deep down, truly want. This can be extraordinarily strange when what you want is everything shiny and/or cute... Trust me, my friend, I feel you.

    You're obviously an intelligent, kind human being, and I'm sure you'll be just fine.

    If you ever need someone to talk to, I'd love to be your friend.

    Sincerely,
    Julianna
     
  8. Quite Irate

    Quite Irate Member

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    Onslow, your avatar scares the shit out of me.

    Just had to get that off my chest.

    I've thought that just living through it would tell me, but now it seems like I can't actually instigate the understanding without learning something right now. It feels like a dead end, in a way. Do you know what I'm saying? I mean, yes, things will continue to happen which will influence me, but right now I feel like I've gotten as far as possible by myself given the current state of affairs, and need some outside influence to push things along.
     
  9. diamond

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  10. headbang8

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    That's a very mature view. Most of us come to understand ourselves through a combination of what we know in our gut, and what we see in the mirror which other people hold up to us.

    I know in my case (a pretty standard late-out repressed gay guy) I found the label gay very comforting and helpful. It gave me a stake in the ground. I could get a more sophisticated idea of exactly who I was when I worked out I was playing in gay territory, in a very general sense.

    Knowing other gay men convinced me that I wasn't a freak. But I imagine it's harder for you to find peers.

    There are communities of straight male cross-dressers, straight-dressing male bisexuals, born-male transvestites attracted to men (I hesitate to call them "gay"), male-born transvestites who switch physical gender only to become (remain?) lesbians, and heaven knows, there are plenty of gay drag queens, god bless them. None of them quite fit your case, true?

    Further, at any given time, any of them might fit; depending on mood, or flow of hormones, or (who knows?) phases of the moon.

    My advice is to hang out with all these groups--if you're in a big city like Boston (do I recall that?), you'll be able to find such communities, formal or informal. Look at yourself in all their mirrors. Probably, none of them fit exactly. But you'll hear stories of how they negotiated their own peculiar place in the scheme of things, and how they found peace of mind.

    If I were you, I'd put in some effort to do this before you head off to France again. It would be challenging to negotiate peer-support in another language. And to use a French word, they're so lassiez-faire about erotic matters, that you might not get a lot of sympathy for what might look, to them, like run-of-the-mill creative erotic play.

    The romance thing? You were just more mature than the rest of them, and they caught up. No biggie.

    HB8
     
  11. SoLowHung

    SoLowHung New Member

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    I need to chew on this for a while, read it a couple more times, grind over it but...

    My gut tells me that you are thinking too much about it instead of letting yourself live. But then, I can't blame you for it, I used to and sometimes still do the same thing.

    My recommendation...

    Tell them how you are feeling, ask them to take care of you and guide you until you find your place of comfort. Sometimes embracing the unknown and sharing your vulnerabilities makes you extremely attractive and human. Being open, honest, and allowing others to see your unknowns is what sharing a life is all about. If they latch on then they truly want you for who you are and can just allow yourself to be and allow them to enjoy you for whatever that may turn out at any given moment. I guess what I am saying is allow them the same that you have allowed us. While this is mostly an anonymous forum, ultimately we should be able to treat each other the same way face-to-face. Then breath deep, live full, and be thankful that you are an extremely unique person that CAN be whatever feels best to you.

    You see, the worst that can come of this is a lesson that will show you more of who you are, who you want to be, and what you want in life.

    May I ask you why you wouldn't think of continuing a relationship with them? Are you scared it will end? Are you scared you are an expendable add-on?
     
  12. davidjh7

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    I wish I could add something more useful, and the others here have better understanding and some excelant advice. All I can offer, is that there really ARE no answers when it comes to feelings. It took me years to finally understand that, and years more to begin to accept it. The more complex the mind, the more complex the desires, and the more complicated the feelings. You are increadibly intellegent, and that, along with your fluidity in sexuality, and sexual identification, means that you are never going to have black and white answers. The good news is, that because you have that fluidity and intellegence, you can experience more, and more deeply, than most people could ever hope to. Remember this: Life is made up of moments--there is only THIS moment--the one before is gone forever, and exists only as a memory. THe one to come isn;t here yet. If you feel love for them, love them NOW. If in the next moments to come, the feelings or situation changes, you at least had THIS moment. Some of your lessons you will be able to learn from others experiences, and many you will just have to suffer through learning on your own, the hard way. Most matters of the heart have to be done the hard way, because every experience is unique. You are a very very special person. You have much to offer, and receive in this life, and I strongly believe you will. These people in your life are blessed by your being in their lives, and no matter what, they will take the experience with them through the rest of their lives, and treasure it. You have more power to hurt and heal than you know. The more moments you spend trying to understand the moment, the fewer you have to experience them. Feelings can't be broken down into a nice set of non-linear differential equations you can stick in matlap and get a nice clean answer. You will have more luck trying to understand string theory than feelings. At least string theory has SOME semblence of order. You ae valued here, and I know you are valued by all you touch, so just experience your moments to the fulest degree you possibly can, so that they can be as deeply etched into your mind and heart as possible. And remember, you always have friends here.:smile:
     
  13. Freddie53

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    I looked at your pictures and I agree with some of the others, you may be inter sexed. The high level of estrogen makes you more feminine. And it also affects your mind to be more feminine in thinking and emotionally.

    You may really be a female with outward genitalia. That does happen. You may even have parts of female genitalia that are totally internal and not visible from the outside.

    Being truly bi has got to be a difficult position to be in. Your gay friends resent you having a relationship with a girl and the girls don't understand you having a relationship with guys.

    And your mother may have raised you emotionally as a girl. You were suppose to be one and she may have treated you as the daughter she was expecting. I'm not suggesting she did this on purpose. We often don't realize what we are doing.

    You need some real friends you can talk to. But don't talk to every person you know. People don't have scores of true friends. Friends who know all about us and and deep into our souls. A person is lucky to have 5 of those in a lifetime. I'm not counting romantic relationships here.

    If we can help, let us know. Glad you posted. I hope we are all there for you.
     
  14. accidenttourist

    accidenttourist New Member

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    Uum... Your case reminds me of my standard advice to anyone who is so desperate to learn about how to appreciate wines... "Just drink more..."

    Honestly I get the feeling that you have a problem about being bisexual. But then I think you should always remember what Woody Allen said about this:

    "The real advantage of being bisexual is that it doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

    So, go out and try it out more often...

    My two cents.
     
  15. surferboy

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    i know this isn't constructive, mainly because i just dunno what i can say that would help you, but you are definitely the prettiest man i've ever seen
     
  16. madame_zora

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    I remember a great post you made a while back about not having to be "homosexual" or "heterosexual", but just sexual. I think that's really the key for all of us- go for what you like, right?
     
  17. bigbull29

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    Do not analyze yourself to death. I've learned that over-anlaysis leads nowhere; it makes us more and more confused. Stop analyzing everything feeling and thought you have.

    You assume the role that gives you most pleasure.

    You're a beautiful person as you are. There's nothing more to figure out. :smile:


     
  18. bigbull29

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    Do not analyze yourself to death. I've learned that over-anlaysis leads nowhere; it makes us more and more confused. Stop analyzing every feeling and thought you have.

    You assume the role that gives you most pleasure and makes you most comfortable.

    You're a beautiful person as you are. There's nothing more to figure out. :smile:


    Now, that's talking like an enlightened person.:wink: Words of truth and wisdom.
     
  19. surferboy

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    and that's still one of the philosophies i live my life by. i just wish everyone else in the world would learn it =)

    and omg, that was like, one of the first things i've ever said here, which was like, a loooong time ago haha. i'm way honored you remember that
     
  20. Quite Irate

    Quite Irate Member

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    I thought that for a while, but any exams I've had have told me otherwise.
     
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