Unrealistic Expectations?

[Fardunda]

Hi all,

I recently started dating a girl and have been suffering from some pretty dabilitating perfomance anxiety.

While this is an issue, I know it is purely mental and given past experience with other partners, completely curable once I am comfortable.

What i have found mildly perplexing is that the girl who I am dating has made no effort to help my situation manually, either orally or by hand. In fact I would go so far to say she does not want a bar of it (no pun intended).

Every previous partner I have been with, whether I have suffered performance anxiety or not, have not hesitated to head south for a bit of fun.

Am I being unrealistic in expecting that all girls are interested in heading down their, mouth or otherwise? Or does it take some girls a little while to warm up or get more comfortable before performing such acts?

I have tried to have sex with this girl on 2 occassions, both times I could not get an erection. She took it pretty badly - thinking it was personal and about her. I assured this was absolutely not the case and had to go into great detail about the problem before she would feel comfortable again.

Could it be a case of protecting herself from further embarrasment?

Anyway, I am certainly not one to be bold enough to ask for oral help so early in the piece but thought her lack of interest in the act was strange, considering my mental barriers and past experience.

Any thoughts?

 

[irox19]

I think it's pretty selfish of your friend to deduce your lack of performance to being an issue with her.

If two people are comfortable enough to attempt sex, I would think oral sex is included. Maybe it's just me but I've always given head before having sex. Maybe I'm too nice. lol

 

[Penis Aficionado]

Maybe it's just me but I've always given head before having sex. Maybe I'm too nice. lol

Or maybe you just like having a penis in your mouth!:wink:

 

[CAM4257]

Well, if she's the kind of girl that got so nervous because of your anxiety, maybe it's more likely that she's the kind of girl that is also not as inclined for oral sex.

Then again, you probably have the best read on the situation, maybe you could try suggesting it as casually as you could and see how she reacts? If she's willing to have sex with you, which it seems she is, she's probably willing to do something else that will facilitate it.

 

[AlteredEgo]

Some people are more intuitive than others. Some you just have to ask.

 

[irox19]

Or maybe you just like having a penis in your mouth!:wink:

lol that could be it too. But I am really a nice girl.

 

[D_Herin_Ghan]

My girl is great at giving head, but sometimes she legitimately isn't in the mood to have my dick in her mouth. To be honest, I get that. In order to warm her up, I have to go down on her (or at least get her off with my fingers) and that's normally more than enough to get me going. We literally can't have sex unless there is foreplay (I would hurt her). Moral of the story? We communicate.

Communicate dude, your sex life will be much simpler. Just say "I can't get up without head, I've always been that way" and you're good to go.

 

[irox19]

What happens if after communicating, the girl reveals she doesn't really enjoy performing oral sex. What then?

I have met a few girls who do not do it...or do it on a rare occasion. Will guys stay with someone even if their needs aren't fully met?

 

[big_tits4big_dicks]

Communicate dude, your sex life will be much simpler. Just say "I can't get up without head, I've always been that way" and you're good to go.

DON'T SAY THAT!

haha, sounds just as bad and obvious as it is. If a man said that to me I would roll my eyes and laugh. You can't huh?

She didn't touch you even? She kinda sounds like a cold fish, if shes not willing to...anything? I don't think your missing out!

 

[Penis Aficionado]

lol that could be it too. But I am really a nice girl.

I'm nice guy. When guys want to put their cocks in my mouth, I have a terrible time saying no!

 

[Fardunda]

Thanks guys!

I felt kinda bad thinking that she could have done more to help but your responses confirm my thoughts.

The other bad thing is that as soon as she noticed I wasn't hard, she completely shut off and became non-responsive. WTF am I meant to do with that?

Ok I get that she could take it personally - its probably not the best feeling thinking you don't have the ability to turn a guy on. But I can't think of a bigger turn off than being with someone who becomes non-responsive.

I am totally with you on the communicato. I have been able to do so in the past no problems but I am a bit reluctant with this one as she is relatively reserved and I fear completely offending her.

I am going to give it one more shot this weekend. She is completely accross my mental issue and knows it's not her so will see if this changes things.

I think once I get it up and in her things will become much more relaxed and less stressful.

But if it's the same story then I don't know that I can continue - my confidence has taken enough of a battering already.

Cheers

 

[irox19]

I think what you are describing about what you have with this girl and what you need is the difference between a potential relationship that has substance and one that is fleeting. Does that make sense?

 

[AlteredEgo]

Thanks guys!

I felt kinda bad thinking that she could have done more to help but your responses confirm my thoughts.

The other bad thing is that as soon as she noticed I wasn't hard, she completely shut off and became non-responsive. WTF am I meant to do with that?

Ok I get that she could take it personally - its probably not the best feeling thinking you don't have the ability to turn a guy on. But I can't think of a bigger turn off than being with someone who becomes non-responsive.

I am totally with you on the communicato. I have been able to do so in the past no problems but I am a bit reluctant with this one as she is relatively reserved and I fear completely offending her.

I am going to give it one more shot this weekend. She is completely accross my mental issue and knows it's not her so will see if this changes things.

I think once I get it up and in her things will become much more relaxed and less stressful.

But if it's the same story then I don't know that I can continue - my confidence has taken enough of a battering already.

Cheers

If you can't communicate your needs for fear of offending, this is not someone to fuck. End of. Communicate. There's no such thing as a good reason not to do. Good luck.

 

[B_Hung Jon]

It seems to me that you both need to become more comfortable with each other physically and well as emotionally. That may take some time. There's nothing wrong with just hanging out in bed together, making out, cuddling and talking. Also since you've experienced this before with other girls, just be honest about it and ask her to help you. I don't think you can expect things to be perfect if you're both feeling some hesitation and confusion. All the best.

 

[D_Herin_Ghan]

DON'T SAY THAT!

haha, sounds just as bad and obvious as it is. If a man said that to me I would roll my eyes and laugh. You can't huh?

She didn't touch you even? She kinda sounds like a cold fish, if shes not willing to...anything? I don't think your missing out!

If it's true and she's been told about his condition, I don't see a problem with it. I agree though, this girl sounds like she's no fun. Gotta have some foreplay at least.

 

[D_Maurice Mountlilly]

I think it's pretty selfish of your friend to deduce your lack of performance to being an issue with her.

If two people are comfortable enough to attempt sex, I would think oral sex is included. Maybe it's just me but I've always given head before having sex. Maybe I'm too nice. lol

too nice!

 

[irox19]

too nice!

lol okay i quit. i'm not doing it anymore.

 

[B_Jordan85]

I think the real question about your problem isn't her, but why you are having performance anxiety

 

[D_Maurice Mountlilly]

lol okay i quit. i'm not doing it anymore.[/QUOT


no! no! no! keep goin'! please!

 

[ConstantComment]

I remember my ex husband used to ejaculate prematurely. And well this guy now,-- should I continue seeing him-- was having trouble staying hard. I'm willing to work with a guy when it's clear he enjoys getting me off.

With this new girl, as someone else said, she sounds like a cold fish. Admittedly, when I was younger I didn't do as much as I do now. But also at 50, I still think I came of age at a more conservative time. We certainly viewed giving head as very sexual and extremely more personal and in your face, so speak. This would be something that you would only do for someone special and from time to time.

These days from what I read, giving head is like a handshake, it's not even considered sex in some corners.

In any case, original poster, I am one of those types who has learned that a lot of talk, dialogue, verbal communication, sometimes does not get what you want. I've experienced where it has backfired. But in your case, you could in a heart to heart conversation be explicit this is what you want in your sex life with your SO. You are willing to help her along gradually but not giving head and not doing hand jobs is a dealbreaker for you.

I have been down this road with a guy I broke off now about 4 years ago. He would derail every attempt to an open honest dialogue with his "I don't know what your comfortable with." He knew because every time I withheld sex long enough he would do exactly what I wanted.

Let's hope you're not dealing with someone quite so devious as this guy who then started making up the most ridiculous reasons as to why he was selfish inbed. He actually told me that if I got an AIDs test, he would then manually and orally stimulate. Umm, really, can people get AIDs from a hand job. So that's one example of his deviousness.

If she does what you want her to do a few times and then stops until you ask her again. It's not going to be a good situation either. I'm telling you to look out for these things so you won't waste as much time as I did.