Unsatisfactory Sex Lives

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by smartcat, Jun 28, 2009.

  1. smartcat

    smartcat New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2006
    Messages:
    18
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Sheffield, UK
    I'm a 37 year old man but I've worked out I've only had sex with a partner about 100 or so times in my life - and I've only reached ejaculation about 10 of those times (I always ejaculate when I masturbate, so there's nothing wrong there anatomically). I'm not asking for advice necessarily, just wonder if anybody is else is frustrated with their sex life as I am...:confused:
     
  2. yorkshirebunny

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 29, 2008
    Messages:
    148
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    26
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Yorkshire, England
    Verified:
    Photo
    I don't understand, you have a great body and cock, how come you haven't had many partners? Is it that you're not that interested?
     
  3. koval

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2006
    Messages:
    1,313
    Likes Received:
    21
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Dublin (IE)
    I too get fustrated at times but that is due to my own fault being a bit of a work-a-holic.
     
  4. MH07

    MH07 Member

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2004
    Messages:
    438
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    14
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Houston
    In my 20's, it all just "worked". Lather, rinse, repeat as it were.

    In my 30's, as the quantity of encounters went down, I discovered that I was so excited when I DID have an encounter that I couldn't ejaculate (and sometimes couldn't get "Mr. Happy" to respond at all, despite my level of excitement.

    My thought on that was that I would get TOO excited, and thus the brain (the most powerful sex organ on earth) would shut everything down (fight or flight syndrome).

    The good news is, from about 40 on, that just seemed to go away and now it's all good (though the "repeat" part is, I fear, gone for good).
     
  5. D_Drew Peacock

    D_Drew Peacock New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2008
    Messages:
    413
    Likes Received:
    2
    When I was single it was much less a matter of opportunity than of interest. Some of us guys are a bit shy, and that pretty much does us in.
     
  6. cbrmale

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2008
    Messages:
    1,442
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canberra, Australia
    For some men there's this problem that some feel insecure about women and don't seem to get very far as a result, which fuels further insecurity. The trick is to break the cycle, find a way of meeting women outside that whcih has failed in the past, and (hopefully) form a relationship that will build your self-confidence in both love and sex.

    The ironic part is that the men with the most chances of attracting women are married men like myself. We have an easy-going confidence with women that is honed by our successful relationship, and sometimes we can draw hot girls like a magnet. There is a lesson to be learned from this and it is that women are attracted to confident men, but unfortunately you can't fake self-confidence. But you can try, and with a little success and a lot of self-introspection you can break the cycle.
     
  7. smartcat

    smartcat New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2006
    Messages:
    18
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Sheffield, UK
    Thanks for sharing these thoughts with me. I have been concentrating a lot on my career, or rather switching career, over the past couple of years, so dating has definitely taken a back seat. The other factor at the moment is that my doc has signed me off with stress and anxiety, and I just wonder if this situation could have been avoided if I had a loving partner who I was able to share myself with physically on a regular basis. I've heard that sex with a partner raises oxytocin and serotonin levels in the body, producing a feeling of extreme well being (I should come clean and tell you I sexually prefer men to women btw). Hopefully this situation will pass and I'll soon feel more in a position where I feel like meeting people.
     
  8. D_Drew Peacock

    D_Drew Peacock New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2008
    Messages:
    413
    Likes Received:
    2
    Another factor is that those of us who DO have a supposed sex partner get turned down a lot. I find that it is about 1 in 5 chances that approaching her for sex will result in sex. The other 4 times I get the cold shoulder or a list of other things to do.

    Frustrating.
     
  9. D_Jared Padalicki

    D_Jared Padalicki Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2008
    Messages:
    8,104
    Likes Received:
    33
    I'm very frustrated!
     
  10. cbrmale

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2008
    Messages:
    1,442
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canberra, Australia
    There is no doubt that I feel my most relaxed after real sex with my wife, and my tension starts to build over the next two or three days. Ditto for my wife, who enjoys the relaxation of sex and orgasm.

    I have had casual sex as a substitute, but nothing beats a genuine relationship with all the ingredients: good conversations, shared special moments and regular good sex. Once a man gets to this point, everything in his life has a new perspective.

    I read a lot of comments about married men and no sex, but fortunately this hasn't happened to me. I feel the ingredients that I have that some don't have, are all the elements of love: companionship, friendship and sexual attraction between the both of us. I feel that some or many don't have all those ingredients in their love as they know it, and eventually sex suffers as a result. Women love being loved, and they are truly sexual creatures with the right man, so don't feel disenchanted that relationships often lead to sexual frustration over the course of a few years. Many do, but perhaps there are reasons why this is so. Perhaps we can learn what to look out for, and not get deeply involved with a partner who is less than 100% of the real deal.
     
  11. smartcat

    smartcat New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2006
    Messages:
    18
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Sheffield, UK
    I think another factor is people's sexual development and history.
    I remember that from about the age of around 9 or 10 onwards I thought about sex with both men and women. However, I would say that from the age of about 15 or 16, as my body developed, I increasingly started to subconsciously and consciously fantasize about sex with men. I tried to ignore this and eventually lost my virginity to a girl I met on a school trip to Germany when I was 17. All I can say is that it was OK, not a disaster, but it didn't blow my mind either. I had a couple of other encounters with girls after that, but they were non-vaginal sex, hand jobs and blow jobs. By that time I REALLY knew I preferred men for various reasons. However the prevailing attitude of the day in the 1980s and early 1990s was very homophobic, due to the onset of HIV/AIDS, etc, and I bottled it up, not telling anyone. I was then celibate between the ages of about 19 to 26. During that time I entered a period of severe depression, was prescribed Prozac for 2 years, lost 2 stone in weight and was signed off as unfit for work by my doc over a year. My self-confidence went to zero. I feel that a large part of this was the way I felt about sex. I eventually landed a fairly promising career when I was 24 and a couple of years later eventually had the confidence to have sex with a bloke I met at work. Again, the sex was not fantastic. It took me about a year or so to meet a partner who really turned me on, and that was the first time I had shared an orgasm with anybody for nearly 10 years. Since then I've had about 14 sexual partners over the last 11 years. Most of the relationships have fizzled out after a few months for various reasons. Paradoxically, I feel that most of my partners have only been attracted to me because they liked my looks, body and cock, which is only natural for most people initially, but hardly anyone has have ever shown a real and genuine interest in me as an emotional, spiritual or intellectual being. At the moment, I feel that the outside world beyond my immediate family and friends sees me as either just another unit of labour to work into the ground and a state of exhaustion by the time I'm 65 or as a sex object who'll be of no earthly use once I start to get 'past it'. :smile:
     
  12. D_Amyntas Lillydong

    D_Amyntas Lillydong Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2008
    Messages:
    480
    Likes Received:
    2
    5 partners, sex 12 times, to ejaculation 12 times. it's better to have loved than not at all i suppose.
     
  13. BikerBear

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 12, 2009
    Messages:
    955
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    139
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Southampton (GB)
    Glad I'm not the only one! I've been with my partner for 5 years now, and the last time we were intimate was 3 years ago!!!:wtf2: And, even though I have tried to discuss it, the subject is quickly diverted.

    Because of my morals, I won't step outside this marriage. And the only reason I stick around is because I would be financially ruined if I walked out...

    So, I've become "my own best friend" as it were...
     
  14. Novaboy

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2005
    Messages:
    4,075
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    591
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canada
    Hey guy. You can't live like this. Life is too short. You need to work something out....leave.....get sex somewhere else....but most importantly you need to be happy. Money is not everything. Difficult choices I know but put yourself first. Good luck.

    Novaboy
     
  15. D_Brecock Evileye

    D_Brecock Evileye New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2008
    Messages:
    783
    Likes Received:
    4
    I dont have a sex life lately. I have me and my hand.
     
  16. BikerBear

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 12, 2009
    Messages:
    955
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    139
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Southampton (GB)
    Thanks Novaboy. I've already started planning.... it's unfortunate that all of my money is tied up in real estate at the moment. Once we start selling it off, if things haven't changed, I'm outta here.... and back to the States where I'm originally from!
     
  17. Novaboy

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2005
    Messages:
    4,075
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    591
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canada

    Good luck, put yourself first. My partner is from Scotland and I would move to the UK in a heartbeat.....Nice here in Canada too though.
     
  18. smartcat

    smartcat New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2006
    Messages:
    18
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Sheffield, UK
    I forget that sometimes people in relationships can be just as frustrated as those who aren't.

    However, I've started to feel very insecure and stressed about the future recently. My parents are in their late 60s and 70s and once they're not around, I'm dreading living a miserable, wretched and lonely life with nobody to call my own. I know I'll have friends and my sister around but I want a partner too. Plus, if people and society continue to grow ever nastier, charmless and atavistic in the future, I don't know what quality of life I might have without a loving person by my side as I grow older...I'm getting very panicky about the decades to come in my life.

    All I'm asking for is a partner with a huge amount of love in their heart, copious amounts of humility, humour, patience, kindness, a dose of intelligence (great looking with a good body and good in bed would be welcome too) and a capacity for trust and old fashioned commitment.
    Is that too much to ask for? Am I being unrealistic in my expectations?
     
  19. bigguy11211

    bigguy11211 New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2008
    Messages:
    128
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    London, UK
  20. anoushka

    anoushka Member

    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2008
    Messages:
    220
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    No, and no. :smile:

    I found what you describe, but it wasn't until I was age 37 that I did so.

    Well-wishes to you in finding someone to love and be loved by.
     
Draft saved Draft deleted