Unsure about who I am anymore!!!

[gogogodzilla]

Hi all,

I have a dilemma.... I have been married to my wife for 13 years now and well.... I think I am having a change going on in me. Don't get me wrong.. I still love my wife and I will do anything for and to her, but I am almost 40 and things that have been swimming around in my head about how I think about men are starting to become dominant.

My friends have always kidded me about my "feminine" side and I do play a very convincing fem. Up until a few years ago, I have been totally into women, but my thoughts have gone to male friends that I like to see fuck my wife and me.

I often imagine my male friends in difference situations to help me get off when my wife is not giving up sex.

I guess the question I have is...Should I at least try it once to see if I will like having a man have sex with me?

I would love to listen to opinions of guys who have been straight all their lives but are starting to feel that "urge" to have sex with a man, at least 1 time...

Gzilla

 

[Florida Boy]

I note that you have been a member since 2006 and this is your first post. That has to be a super record for lurking.

As to your main issue, it appears they may have been lurking there for an extended period of time. They probably will not go away unless addressed directly. The question is what is the most appropriate way to go about it. That is to say the way the least likely to cause damage to your present situation and your health. Do you have an approachable acquaintance? That is one that it would be understanding and that you could trust. Possibly the next best thing would be to arrange a meeting, carefully, with someone through the Internet. Trying a same-sex encounter once may not answer your questions.

 

[gogogodzilla]

Yeah.. I created the account back in 2006, but I have not used it until most recently...

At the present moment I don't have an approachable acquaintance. As you suggested, I may have to go through a site, As I have said, I have been watching and reading and exploring options...I would be glad to talk with you, but it will have to be discrete as my wife tends to be a little suspicious of what I do...

Gzilla

 

[D_CountdeGrandePinja]

Remember the old Sammy Davis, Jr. song - "I've Gotta Be Me"?

Be true to who U R!

 

[D_Anton_Pavlovich_Jerkhov]

Yeah.. I created the account back in 2006, but I have not used it until most recently...

At the present moment I don't have an approachable acquaintance. As you suggested, I may have to go through a site, As I have said, I have been watching and reading and exploring options...I would be glad to talk with you, but it will have to be discrete as my wife tends to be a little suspicious of what I do...

Gzilla

Wow, I could have written your story! Only I am older....

I think I would be glad to chat with you, too, if possible. Shall I look you up? Or will you look me up?

 

[Incocknito]

Ask your wife first and take precautions.

If you love her then you should be able to ask her.

 

[D_Anton_Pavlovich_Jerkhov]

Ask your wife first and take precautions.

If you love her then you should be able to ask her.

Hmm, I know you aren't talking to me, but since I am in the same situation, allow me to put in my two cents. I wish this were a possibility. However, most wives wouldn't accept a bisexual husband. They would immediately look at him as a homosexual, whether this is right or wrong. I don't think that loving her does help here. Taking precautions is ok, but I really don't know how to address a wife's feelings and opinions about such a delicate issue. I wish there were a fool-proof formula. But apparently you can't have your cake (have your homosexual desires satisfied) and eat it (maintain your marriage).

 

[Fire Stick]

Truthfully, as a practical matter, I think you're in fairly dangerous territory in respect to maintaing the "staus quo" of your life. I am not suggesting that not go there, as this is something you have to decide fo yourself. You just need to be very aware that actions have consequences. Maybe it's worth it, maybe it's not. There are many men in your situation, if that helps. A lot of men with wives and families play around some with other men. Not too many are open about it, though.

 

[deleted3782]

Mine is not an opinion from a guy who has been straight all my life, but as a guy who has never been married (and never will). I would think you would want to be honest with your wife and not become sexually involved with another person without her knowledge or prior approval. I've seen the hurt that can result from one partner discovering the other has been intimate with someone else...and its not fair nor is it respectful to them. I think the idea behind marriage is something along the lines of "till death do you part". That seems to be the obligation...until you negotiate an mutually agreeable set of alternative ground rules.

 

[Countryguy63]

First off, yes it happens. Although, I'm pretty sure if you were honest with yourself, you could look back and recognize "curious" times.

Anyway, It's good you're asking here and I hope other legitimate places. Do some serious searching and if it's just a slight curiousity, keep it to yourself.

If it's a strong curiousity, it's not going to go away. You are going to have to confront it at some point. Your choice is whether or not you maintain your dignity and do it the right way. You need to get the courage to address this with your wife. She has the right to know. It can go any direction after that. Hopefully there is a strong enough base there that you can have a calm discussion.

You can go behind her back and cheat on her, but I can guarantee a bad outcome. Maybe not immediately, but it WILL happen

Come back and ask more. This is not an easy subject to deal with on your own

 

[lgtrmusr]

"I have a dilemma.... I have been married to my wife for 13 years now and well.... I think I am having a change going on in me. Don't get me wrong.. I still love my wife and I will do anything for and to her, but I am almost 40 and things that have been swimming around in my head about how I think about men are starting to become dominant. "

OP -- Yours is a critical question. Actually two questions.

The first has to do with trust, fidelity and monogamy. There have been several responses that reflect forum readers' viewpoints that you may consider as you develop and explore your own.

The second has to do with a realization that you have sexual interests in men. Again, several responses explore this as an expression of reality. A reality you have to become comfortble with.

My sense is that the big question is not, "should I go out and have sex with a guy," but the larger question that the OP put into the title of the thread: I am "unsure about who I am anymore."

What help can we be in helping OP figure out "who he is", and how common is that question on this forum? Somehow I suspect it is rather common.

So where does the OP, and others like him, go from here?

 

[sexplease]

Ask your wife first and take precautions.

If you love her then you should be able to ask her.

Kind of agree, except...Inform your wife.


I don't think you want to sit up in your coffin on your earthly departure day and wish you had done this or that. We only get one shot at life, so my feeling is make the most and best of it.

There is nothing wrong with your feelings, wants or desires. They are who YOU are and to stifle them does you, your loved ones and the rest of mankind a disservice of your uniqueness.

Have fun, play safe.

 

[Gisella]

If I was still married and my ex was in your situation..I would want to know eventhough It might hurt ..because if I understood it right is not just about fantasy..but real attraction discovering you are realizing "now". And as another poster pointed out you are unsure who you are...that is not a light thing to ignore..I couldn't.

 

[280028]

you should tell your wife.

it took me a year into our marriage, and it was awful for her... mostly because i wasn't "up-front" about it right away. so that was my mistake.

your situation is different, because you've been married so much longer. i would explain it to her that you didn't know this side of yourself until recently. hopefully she'll understand, most adults do.

as for having sex with another man, only if you're either willing to destroy your marriage, sneak around a cheat on your wife, or ask her permission, forget about it. all of those selections can go wrong. the safest would be to ask permission, but that may fuck things up anyway... talk about it with your wife, see what she thinks, and talk some more. and remember: for now, keep it in your (own) pants, man. it will save you grief.

 

[280028]

Hmm, I know you aren't talking to me, but since I am in the same situation, allow me to put in my two cents. I wish this were a possibility. However, most wives wouldn't accept a bisexual husband. They would immediately look at him as a homosexual, whether this is right or wrong. I don't think that loving her does help here. Taking precautions is ok, but I really don't know how to address a wife's feelings and opinions about such a delicate issue. I wish there were a fool-proof formula. But apparently you can't have your cake (have your homosexual desires satisfied) and eat it (maintain your marriage).

my wife denied it for a while. she was reared in a military/baptist household in Texas, so, even though she's the "liberal black sheep" of the family, it still hit her in the face like a ton of bricks, and shook her good... it took her a good while, but then she accepted it because i started to joke about it. the more she laughed about it the more she seems okay with my bisexuality. she never once called me gay.

this approach may not work for everyone, because me and my wife are both space-cases. some people are very deeply rooted in their heterosexual viewpoint, and while they may be cool with having "gay" friends, they are not cool with having a "gay" partner. "gay" is in quotes because i realize that bisexuals are not technically gay... it's a loooooooose usage of the term, and i don't want to start a flame war in here. no pun intended. well... maybe a little bit intended. heh.

 

[MC1000]

This is a complicated issue. There is no right or wrong answer. It comes down to a few choices. Your fantasies are not uncommon. The problem with fantasies is that most times they are better as a fantasy than reality. What if you choose to act on your thoughts and find out you don't like it? If you told you wife before hand, you run the risk of ruining your marriage over a fantasy that you now know has no real meaning in your life. If you choose to act on your fantasy, are you the kind of guy who will be eaten up by guilt if you don't tell you wife? Which is worse...unfufilled fantasy or guilt?
On the other hand, what do you do if your try it and like? Now what do you do? Tell your wife and incorperate it into your marrage? Tell you wife and risk ending your marriage? Lead a double life? (Married guy with boys on the side) Now I know all this is not new to you. You've struggled with these possible outcomes for quite awhile.

 

[LittleDicky]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I am confused about the advice people are giving to "ask your wife" for permission to experiment.

Sure, she's going to be shocked by your attraction to men, but on the other hand, would you ask her "permission" to cheat with another woman? I doubt it.

Infidelity is infidelity, gay, bi, or straight (labels suck). I don't think "asking her permission" is going to ease the blow any.

I see only 3 options here:

1 - TELL your wife what you are feeling, but be prepared for the possibility of your marriage ending. Difficult. At least, that will get the issue out in the open, where we all think it needs to be -- and where I think you think it needs to be. Where it goes from there is anyone's guess. You will not be the first or last man to "come out."

2 - LIVE with your feelings and keep them buried. Also very difficult. But, how many people live that way, because the alternative it just too difficult?

3 - If you can't do # 1 or # 2, and the urge is all consuming, then you will be relegated to "sneaking around" -- which, I agree, may come back later to bite you in the ass. This seems to be what you'd like to avoid.

Frankly, this is a very heavy issue, and when you are "unsure who you are anymore," I think you'd benefit from a competent therapist to sort all this out with. I don't think you are going to find the answers you need on these pages.

Good luck.

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[BIGBULL29]

Remember the old Sammy Davis, Jr. song - "I've Gotta Be Me"?

Be true to who U R!

You really can't say that enough, buddy. I love that when you say that. Being happy is "just being you."

If I ever get into a relationship with someone, I will reveal my true sexuality.

You can't hide who you are from the person you love. Bad things happen when you do (unless it's something very minor, silly, etc).

Best of luck to the OP. You will come out of this confusing time. I just know it. :smile:

 

[MC1000]

I know this is going to be unpopular, but here is my advice. If the guilt of not telling your wife is not going to eat yuou alive, then go out and find a stranger to help you explore your fantasy. This way you will know if this is something you want/need to explore. If it isn't then you can move on with your marriage intact. If it is something you need then YOU have to decide what you need to do. Many men lead happy lives being married and having sex with guys on the side. You know you wife better than anyone else. You know how she will react. You owe to yourself to find out if your thoughts are just a fantasy or a need. The question is, is finding the answer worth risking your marriage? That is why I say try it, but don't tell her,
I know that most people have this romatic view of marriage with all the love, honor and obey stuff. If you were having these thought about another woman then I would say no. Your issue is deeper than just wanting to "get laid." If this thoughts of having sex with men is truely apart of you then that is something you need to accept and not deny yourself. As for the marriage/parnetship, if you hidding this side of your life then are you being truely honest to you wife and your marriage? Which is more important to you?

 

[MC1000]

This may be overly simplifed, but here goes. There are many people who dream of buying a boat for years. Finally they take the plunge and buy the boat of their dreams only to find out after the new has worn off, it was one of the worsed decisions they every made. Ever tried to get your money back on a used boat?