Unsure about who I am anymore!!!

[D_Tim McGnaw]

There's no difference between a straight guy saying to himself, "I'm still sexually attracted to other women despite my marriage, should I sleep with these other women" and a Bisexual guy saying "I'm still attracted to other people despite my marriage, should I sleep with other people" , if you love someone and have agreed to be in a monogamous relationship with them then whether you want to shag both men and women does not change the nature of your commitment to your partner. I know bisexual married couples who are completely monogamous despite being attracted to members of both sexes.

However, there are two mitigating factors here, firstly these are feelings which at best may have been inchoate and unrecognised before you got married, that means that if you knew before you might have done differently with regards to entering into marriage, and certainly your partner would have been better informed also. You can't help that, what's done is done, what matters is what you do now.

Your wife has has a right to know how you now feel, you not telling her deprives her of the right to make informed decisions about her life. From there it's up to the pair of you what happens, she may be OK about it and be happy for you to explore your desires or she may not be, in which case live with being monogamous, it's what you agreed to after all, unless it's too unbearable not to have sex with guys, in which case you should think about exploring these feelings as a single man.

There's also the possibility, that you might actually be gay, and that you're hanging on to the comfort of the life you lead now out of fear of the consequences of living life as a gay man. If this is the case then you need to ask yourself if these feelings are more than you are admitting at the moment, If so, then as long as it's safe to be gay where you are and you're not likely to be killed or attacked or whatever then you should be honest with yourself and live honestly. Testing things by sleeping with a guy on the sly will not help you find out if you are Bi or Gay, in your heart of hearts you know what the deal is, it's a matter of exploring your feelings and thoughts and being 100% honest with yourself.

There's also the possibility that these feelings are just normal man-lust which can effect heterosexual men some times. If it is then you don't have to share that with anyone, just watch some gay porn ( being careful not to let your wife find it ) and wack off to your heart's content untill the manlust is out of your system.

 

[love2suckcock]

First off, yes it happens. Although, I'm pretty sure if you were honest with yourself, you could look back and recognize "curious" times.

Anyway, It's good you're asking here and I hope other legitimate places. Do some serious searching and if it's just a slight curiousity, keep it to yourself.

If it's a strong curiousity, it's not going to go away. You are going to have to confront it at some point. Your choice is whether or not you maintain your dignity and do it the right way. You need to get the courage to address this with your wife. She has the right to know. It can go any direction after that. Hopefully there is a strong enough base there that you can have a calm discussion.

You can go behind her back and cheat on her, but I can guarantee a bad outcome. Maybe not immediately, but it WILL happen

Come back and ask more. This is not an easy subject to deal with on your own

I really like this answer and know that if I was the wife in this situation, that is exactly what I'd want to happen. I much prefer the honesty than being sneaky.

 

[sexplease]

the wife knows she cannot compete with a mans plumbing. she'll learn to deal with that issue in and on her own time.
It's not like you're yearning and searching for something she has.

 

[D_Anton_Pavlovich_Jerkhov]

You really can't say that enough, buddy. I love that when you say that. Being happy is "just being you."

If I ever get into a relationship with someone, I will reveal my true sexuality.

You can't hide who you are from the person you love. Bad things happen when you do (unless it's something very minor, silly, etc).

Best of luck to the OP. You will come out of this confusing time. I just know it. :smile:

I agree, but this is not exactly the case for the OP. If he is telling the truth (and I have no reason to disbelieve him), his homosexual urges are of a recent kind.

 

[D_Anton_Pavlovich_Jerkhov]

I don't claim to have the best answer for you, Gogogodzilla, because I find myself to be in the same boat and so far unable to find the balance.

However, the more I think of it, the more convinced I am that a good solution for you would be to find another man, in real life, with the same "problem" as yourself. Meet him up. I am not encouraging you to have sex with him. No, wait. It is just for you to befriend him and talk with him about your mutual problems and aspirations. Avoid sexual contact for a while. I think you will feel sort of liberated simply by meeting the other guy and befriending him. Perhaps you can find a solution to the dilemma you both share. If you end up going to bed with him, this is still cheating anyway, but in my opinion it is less severe form of cheating, because you are friends and there is a emotional bond between the two of you. You may eventually tell your wife about it, but I don't think you should do it before testing the water, if you see what I mean. Some guilt will always be there, whether you talk to her or not. You may also feel guilty for not realizing your inner desires, right? Just don't be so hard on yourself.

 

[D_Tim McGnaw]

Lets be clear here, what Joca is talking about is cowardly, self deceiving and more generally deceitful.

I didn't need to fuck a guy when I was a kid to know that I was gay, if someone had asked me back then I would have told them I was gay, because I knew I was exclusively attracted to men even though I hadn't had sex with a guy.

There's little or no need to try before you buy with sexuality.

Like I said before it's possible that this is just a normal bit of hetero-manlust which is a scratch which can be itched pretty easily, but if you're genuinely Bisexual then the only way you're going to find out for sure is if you are completely honest with yourself, not by sneaking around on your wife sucking cocks on the downlow. There are plenty of guys who live miserably in marriages, sneaking around with guys who would tell you they are 100% heterosexual because they're not being honest with themselves.

You need to look at how you feel and describe it to yourself clearly and fully in the words which best suit how you feel. If those words are anything like "I like men as much as I like women" or even " I think I might prefer men to women" then I think you know what you need to do.

 

[JohnnyFF]

MC1k,
Wow what a dilema. I was married for 25 yrs, and had the same lust thoughts about men, but after I beat off my feelings subsided. I was faithfull, and stayed married. I did not tell her about my feelings, nor could I find her sober long enough to discuss anything serious. She screwed around on me while I was in Iraq, and I divorced her like a cinder block falling from a 200 story bldg. Being on the other side of the cheating spouse, was harder than you can imagine. I was gut shot, and I have been celibate for five years now. My life was destroyed, my savings dwindled, and my trust in anyone is gone. Everyday I am thankful for being single again, and now enjoy true peace. I think your situation is unique but your alone. Good luck, and be safe. All the advice you got here seems to be real good but not definative. I think a counsellor will let you air your feelings, and allow someone to mediate in a clinical fashion, with better advice on how you deal with this situation. If you are in love with your wife this way you can weigh all your options with a professional who has probably dealt with other patients. Johnny

 

[fortiesfun]

The simple truth is that marriages can, and do, survive after a man realizes he is a bisexual, but it is going to be complicated however you play it. Advice from someone who has been there: Tell your wife NOW, before you've done anything. Be prepared for a lot of soul searching on both your parts, and no easy answers.

Unlike others here, I am less concerned about marriage as an absolute vow of monogamy and fidelity, as a clear understanding between partners. Being honest with your wife will help YOU feel that the steps you ultimately take are for the right reasons, and not because "it has to be bad to be good..."

 

[D_Anton_Pavlovich_Jerkhov]

Lets be clear here, what Joca is talking about is cowardly, self deceiving and more generally deceitful.

I didn't need to fuck a guy when I was a kid to know that I was gay, if someone had asked me back then I would have told them I was gay, because I knew I was exclusively attracted to men even though I hadn't had sex with a guy.

There's little or no need to try before you buy with sexuality.

Like I said before it's possible that this is just a normal bit of hetero-manlust which is a scratch which can be itched pretty easily, but if you're genuinely Bisexual then the only way you're going to find out for sure is if you are completely honest with yourself, not by sneaking around on your wife sucking cocks on the downlow. There are plenty of guys who live miserably in marriages, sneaking around with guys who would tell you they are 100% heterosexual because they're not being honest with themselves.

You need to look at how you feel and describe it to yourself clearly and fully in the words which best suit how you feel. If those words are anything like "I like men as much as I like women" or even " I think I might prefer men to women" then I think you know what you need to do.

Wow, that has hit me like a stone. I was trying to help him by suggesting he befriend someone else in the same situation, but I know, I know, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

You have handled your issues maybe with more ease, not that they were simpler. But when you have been married for a few years and have kids, and then these feelings pop up in your life... do you get the picture?

Any rope that is thrown at you.. you feel like holding on to it.

You wouldn't love to be in our shoes.

 

[D_Tim McGnaw]

Wow, that has hit me like a stone. I was trying to help him by suggesting he befriend someone else in the same situation, but I know, I know, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

You have handled your issues maybe with more ease, not that they were simpler. But when you have been married for a few years and have kids, and then these feelings pop up in your life... do you get the picture?

Any rope that is thrown at you.. you feel like holding on to it.

You wouldn't love to be in our shoes.

I've never been in your shoes, and I wasn't calling you a coward or dishonest :smile: Only what you were suggesting.

It doesn't matter what kinds of problems you face in life, you need to face them honestly, and with dignity. Whatever life throws at you you need to be able to look at the person in the mirror looking back at you and like them, and to do that you need to treat the people around you and yourself with dignity and respect. You weren't just suggesting he befriend someone in a similar position, you were advocating him cheating with that person if the opportunity came up.

The first part makes good sense, the second part not so much.

 

[D_Anton_Pavlovich_Jerkhov]

I've never been in your shoes, and I wasn't calling you a coward or dishonest :smile: Only what you were suggesting.

It doesn't matter what kinds of problems you face in life, you need to face them honestly, and with dignity. Whatever life throws at you you need to be able to look at the person in the mirror looking back at you and like them, and to do that you need to treat the people around you and yourself with dignity and respect. You weren't just suggesting he befriend someone in a similar position, you were advocating him cheating with that person if the opportunity came up.

The first part makes good sense, the second part not so much.

Hmm, yes and no. But I didn't say it was not cheating. This is a decision he has to do for himself, and only him. I was actually suggesting that if he got laid with the other guy, which could happen or not, this could be a qualified cheating, if ever there is such.

 

[D_Tim McGnaw]

Hmm, yes and no. But I didn't say it was not cheating. This is a decision he has to do for himself, and only him. I was actually suggesting that if he got laid with the other guy, which could happen or not, this could be a qualified cheating, if ever there is such.

Come on Joca, you can dress it up however you want, cheating is cheating is cheating is cheating :wink:

Now if he explains things to his wife and she turns out to be cool about things and lets him experiment, maybe even experiments with him then that's a totally different thing. But screwing around with other people in secret without your partner's (in this case wife's) permission is cheating, and ultimately would be just as damaging to the relationship as the OP not being able to explore who he is.

 

[BigDallasDick8x6]

First, I would suggest the title you selected for the thread is not correct. You DO know who you are. You are the same person you have always been. You just don't know what label to put on yourself for the benefit of others. My first advice would be not to worry about that part.

Now as to the body of your OP.....

I don't think that I would risk my marriage by telling my wife about desires I'm not sure of. What if you tell her, she leaves you, and you find out it was just a passing fantasy? We all have fantasies that sound hot but once we do them, it's like, OK, that was fun but I don't need to do that again. Others blow us away and we can't wait to do them as often as possible. You don't know which way this fantasy will go for you. Here's one clue -- do you look at porn? Is it str8 or gay porn? If both, which gets you off fastest? If you look at str8 porn, are you focusing on the guy's body or the girl's?

Also, I don't agree with people who say just repress it. 1) That is not the key to a happy, fulfilled life. It may be a life of "quiet desparation" as famously described. 2) Doesn't your wife deserve a spouse who is REALLY into her? If you're fantasing about men, there is already a measure of brokeness in your marriage. Repressing your male/male sexual feelings is not going to help either of you.

This is going to sound very unorthodox and I'll get flamed for it but as a previously married guy I want to help you with this. If you haven't tried gay porn -- check it out. Does it turn you on as much as you thought it would? Afterwards are you filled with guilt and shame? If so, you would be with a male/male affair also. Our society is very pornphobic but it can be a great safety valve. It can let you explore male/male sex in a safer way than doing it in person. If after several months of this men's bodies are all you think about and want, then I think you have your answer. You need to try it.

Now here comes the tricky part. Do you tell your wife first? Me personally -- I would not. Again, what if it wasn't "all that"? I would have gotten her upset, feeling inadequate, and possibly losing my marriage -- for what?

I know honesty is a great thing, but again you are ALREADY being dishonest in that you have this attraction and you haven't told her that you aren't into only her anymore.

Everytime someone who wrote in the Ann Landers and said they had had an affair and the guilt was eating them up and they were wondering if they should tell there spouse, Ol' Annie ALWAYS said no. Don't do it. The effect it has on the spouse is devastating.

Finally, you are not alone. This is such a common thing in our society there are "Married Men's Networks" of married guys who fool around with other men. They find married men much safer than gay men for several reasons. One is they both are in the same boat and the person they meet is unlikely to make waves in their life. Two is they understand where the other guy is coming from. Three is there is less chance of someone getting hurt. Usually the bi married guys have decided they want to stay married and therefore don't want to have a primary male relationship which a single gay man might be seeking. Fourth is there is the stereotype that "straight" guys are more masculine that gay guys. Sounds like this isn't a big hangup for you.

If you ever get the chance to check out the movie "Making Love" it's about a married guy who discovers he's gay and what he goes through and what his wife goes through. It's not porn but there is one male/male sex scene in the dark and male/male kissing so you probably don't want to watch it with your wife. Anyway, it might help you think through some things.

Good luck and keep us posted!

 

[B_a new long one]

I have been married 37 years and I am bi-sexual. My wife knows and has since early on. It has made our sex life full of fun. The threesomes that we have had. Me sucking and rimming, her being banged by us both. Anything goes is that situation. I have my one on ones when I want total intamacy with a man, and it is just pure sex when we are in the group setting. All in all it worked out well for us, in our upper 50's still sexually active and having fun. The latest coouple is the 22 year olds down the road. He get her like a bull, and I can lick tight pussy, suck young cock and we can switch with each other. It has been a wonderful sex life for us,

 

[BigDallasDick8x6]

I have been married 37 years and I am bi-sexual. My wife knows and has since early on. It has made our sex life full of fun. The threesomes that we have had. Me sucking and rimming, her being banged by us both. Anything goes is that situation. I have my one on ones when I want total intamacy with a man, and it is just pure sex when we are in the group setting. All in all it worked out well for us, in our upper 50's still sexually active and having fun. The latest coouple is the 22 year olds down the road. He get her like a bull, and I can lick tight pussy, suck young cock and we can switch with each other. It has been a wonderful sex life for us,

Wow, you must be in great shape to get 22 year olds when you're in your upper 50's! Congratulations.

 

[D_Anton_Pavlovich_Jerkhov]

Ok, I give up, lol. You have defeated me, lol. If your words match your actions, or is it vice-versa, then I have to bow to you: you have never cheated in your life. That is a rarity. I have a poorer record track myself... When I was still single, I had an affair with a married woman.

Hilaire, may I add you as a friend? I enjoy a good fight, lol, especially with gentlemen.

To Gogogodzilla: if someone hasn't said it yet, I will say it: Your feelings are not at all wrong, but whatever you choose to do with them may have consequences. Maybe that is a reasonable way of rounding off the dilemma, escapist as it might seem...

 

[D_Anton_Pavlovich_Jerkhov]

I have been married 37 years and I am bi-sexual. My wife knows and has since early on. It has made our sex life full of fun. The threesomes that we have had. Me sucking and rimming, her being banged by us both. Anything goes is that situation. I have my one on ones when I want total intamacy with a man, and it is just pure sex when we are in the group setting. All in all it worked out well for us, in our upper 50's still sexually active and having fun. The latest coouple is the 22 year olds down the road. He get her like a bull, and I can lick tight pussy, suck young cock and we can switch with each other. It has been a wonderful sex life for us,

You are doubly to be envied: both for being able to realize your both sides in your marriage, and for your physical resistence at this age. I am as young as you! And although I am not a stud myself, I am quickly responsive, if you see what I mean. Don't answer, don't betray yourself, but what is your secret?

 

[D_Tim McGnaw]

Ok, I give up, lol. You have defeated me, lol. If your words match your actions, or is it vice-versa, then I have to bow to you: you have never cheated in your life. That is a rarity. I have a poorer record track myself... When I was still single, I had an affair with a married woman.

Hilaire, may I add you as a friend? I enjoy a good fight, lol, especially with gentlemen.

The only reason I know that being honest is a better policy is because I've made mistakes and been dishonest in the past, the results were not pretty, for me or anyone else concerned. Having made some pretty ugly mistakes I've learned to do better because I now know better, but like everyone I still make big ugly mistakes. I just learn a little more every time. I couldn't pretend to be in any way or by any measure perfect or anywhere near it. Nor would I give advice to anyone expecting them to think I knew anything or did anything any better than anyone else. We're all as fallible as each other without exception.

But thanks anyway I guess :redface: I didn't win anything btw, the OP will take whoever's advice he likes, yours may be far more appealing than mine who knows, he may and probably should ignore us all :wink:


Edit: I just realised how Oprah all of this reads, sorry, but you get what I mean I hope LOL

 

[D_Anton_Pavlovich_Jerkhov]

The only reason I know that being honest is a better policy is because I've made mistakes and been dishonest in the past, the results were not pretty, for me or anyone else concerned. Having made some pretty ugly mistakes I've learned to do better because I now know better, but like everyone I still make big ugly mistakes. I just learn a little more every time. I couldn't pretend to be in any way or by any measure perfect or anywhere near it. Nor would I give advice to anyone expecting them to think I knew anything or did anything any better than anyone else. We're all as fallible as each other without exception.

But thanks anyway I guess :redface: I didn't win anything btw, the OP will take whoever's advice he likes, yours may be far more appealing than mine who knows, he may and probably should ignore us all :wink:


Edit: I just realised how Oprah all of this reads, sorry, but you get what I mean I hope LOL

Don't say sorry. I hardly watch TV these days, but I have an idea of what Oprah stands for. Full of exposition? Show?

Anyway, I want to add a final (for me, perhaps) comment. Ultimately, it boils down to a religious issue. Marriage is strongly linked to religion, and most religions are against free sexuality. We owe this in particulat to Judeo-Christian tradition. In Greece, Rome, China and elsewhere, marriage was not necessarily a religious institution. Marriage was mostly designed to create a family. On the side, both men and women had their lovers and perhaps the issue around fidelity was hardly very questioned. Ideally, it should still be that way: marriage for procreation but not necessarily for the full expression of one's sexuality or desires.

Oh, how imperfect the human world is!

 

[lgtrmusr]

I don't think that I would risk my marriage by telling my wife about desires I'm not sure of. What if you tell her, she leaves you, and you find out it was just a passing fantasy?...

Here's one clue -- do you look at porn? Is it str8 or gay porn? If both, which gets you off fastest? If you look at str8 porn, are you focusing on the guy's body or the girl's?...

Also, I don't agree with people who say just repress it. 1) That is not the key to a happy, fulfilled life. It may be a life of "quiet desparation" as famously described. 2) Doesn't your wife deserve a spouse who is REALLY into her? If you're fantasing about men, there is already a measure of brokeness in your marriage. Repressing your male/male sexual feelings is not going to help either of you...

Everytime someone who wrote in the Ann Landers and said they had had an affair and the guilt was eating them up and they were wondering if they should tell there spouse, Ol' Annie ALWAYS said no. Don't do it. The effect it has on the spouse is devastating....

Good luck and keep us posted!

I like the balance in BDD's response. The problem, for OP, is his own. Only he can anticipate the consequences of sharing his uncertain feelings with his wife, and is it entirely possible that even he is uncertain how strong or enduring his attraction to men may be.

Part of OP's question is coming to grips with living the reset of his life honestly. He wonders if he's straight, bi, or gay. The experiment with gauging the part of porn that excites he most may be hepful. He may come to feel that, despite never being unfaithful, his marriage is a sham, and his sex life is entirely unsatisfying. Would single or couples counseling be helpful here? Maybe he'll conclude that his best move would be to strengthen his marriage, and find a way to heat up his sex life with his wife. With an active, exciting, fulfilling married sex life, there might not be much energy for yearning about what guys might have to offer. Would a sex therapist be helpful here?

Part of being fulfilled is being at peace with yourself and having an honest relationship with others, where you don't have to hide aspects of your life because you are afraid of what others will think. Hard to be at peace with yourself if you're not comfortable with what you see in the mirror.

There has been a lot of thought in the responses offered by the many who have contributed to this thread. I wonder how OP is processing his questions now.