Vacationing w/ unemployed partner: Am I being fair?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by jorpollew, Jun 22, 2011.

  1. jorpollew

    jorpollew Member

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    My LTR partner was laid-off 6 months ago and has been drawing unemployment. We live together and I make a decent salary, so there's only been a few minor adjustments-- nothing drastic really.

    Our last weekend get-away was back in December (a week before he was laid-off). So, back in April I asked him about going away this summer. He said that he wants to go somewhere, but he would not be able to pay for anything due to his job situation. I said that's okay-- no problem. Then I go ahead and make arrangements for 2 mini-vacations in late June and early August. I plan to pay for everything and I'm cool with that.

    Last night, after I searched a week for an available and affordable vacation house in August, he told me NOT to reserve it, because that's the time he's planning on flying to Texas for a 4-day hotel convention with his church group.

    HUNH? TEXAS?! FLYING?!! HOTEL?!!! That trip will cost him $1000! (I already checked.) So, we argued about it last night and again this morning. In the last 6 months we have not argued about household expenses at all. And the only time I mentioned vacation prices was when he asked me.

    Am I wrong here? HONESTLY, I do not mind paying for our vacations since he is unemployed. But is it fair for him to plan a trip AFTER he told me that he couldn't afford to go anywhere? Even worse, he accused me of resenting him for being unemployed and that's the real reason I was angry. Hunh? Where did that come from?

    What do you think? Do I have a right to be angry, or am I not being fair to him and his situation? I'd appreciate any objective feedback.

    btw: Our first trip is scheduled for this weekend-- 5 days in Provincetown, Cape Cod. Everything is paid for.
     
  2. nudeyorker

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    You know what? I see both of your views on this and I think a conversation without any resentment or hostility would end the whole thing.

    I'm sure he is feeling very insecure about being unemployed and having you pay for most expenses. Simply state to him that you are a team through thick and thin and if either of you are going to make plans you need to be upfront and on the same page before confirming anything or making alternate decisions.
     
  3. D_Rufus_D_Dufus

    D_Rufus_D_Dufus Account Disabled

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    Something doesn't sound right to me.. Did he offer to invite you to the church convention after he told you not to book the second trip you were planning?
     
  4. K.Dst

    K.Dst Member

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    I have the same problem with my mother.

    Keep complaining about how "broke" we are since my father took a job that pays less but suits him more, and at the same time reserved an awfully expensive house in a place the rest of the family don't really like only because all her friends go there...
     
  5. spoon

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    not an easy situation. i tend to think (altho, i don't know him) is that he has been a bit selfish.

    i haven't been to provincetown in 2 years. i love it there.
     
  6. dolfette

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    if they can afford that then they should be helping with the household bills. end of.

    they at least owe you an explanation.
     
  7. jorpollew

    jorpollew Member

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    He didn't invite me, and that's really not an issue. He's very involved with his church and I don't attend there.

    But I think if he had presented the convention as an option for us do to together, then I would have definitely considered it. Hey, I've never been to TX, so it would have been something new for me, too.

    Hmm....? Maybe a Texas get-away might be fun. Thanks for giving me something to think about.
     
    #7 jorpollew, Jun 22, 2011
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2011
  8. Intrigue

    Intrigue New Member

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    ^this.
    if he is paying for ANYTHING besides rent, especially a trip then if your relationship has any mutual fairness then he deserves to tell you wtf is going on.
     
  9. dolfette

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    if he's playing house-husband, doing all domestic chores etc, then that has a value as a contribution to the household.
    obviously you need to agree how much that is worth.
     
  10. NY4Curious

    NY4Curious New Member

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    I think the major "wrong" in the situation your describe is the way your BF informed you he was going to Texas with his church group, not that he's taking his own money and going to the convention. He told you he couldn't afford the long weekend trips and you volunteered to pick up the cost.
    It would have been a very gentlemanly thing for him to have said: "You know how much my church and its events mean to me. Being on unemployment the only thing I can afford to do this summer is go to Texas for the church convention. I'm sure you understand the limits of my financial resources at this point, and how much I would really really enjoy those long weekends with you, but you also know, I just can't afford it." -- But for whatever reason, he didn't.
    You appear to be very generous and understanding of the delicate emotional and financial position your boyfriend is in. What I can't understand in the situation is why was he unable to tell you months ago about his wanting to go to Texas for the church convention and let the two of you come to the decision on what would be fair and how and why it would be fair.
    In any relationship any situation in which assumptions rear their heads after decisions are announced there is often anger, hostility and a feeling of a sense of being left out.
    When you volunteered to put your joint vacations on your personal relationship ledger as "an expense of being a couple", that status should have also influenced how he arranged to make the decision on going to Texas.
    I don't think it's a question of right or wrong, but I do think it's a question of kindess and courtesy. A little charm, more grace and a lot of diplomacy have never hurt a relationship and in the case of my long term relationship have greatly strengthened it.
    My father was very right when he taught me "A good deal is a deal where every party involved gets what they want". It is possible but it takes a lot of creative thinkingand even more hard work and mutual respect.
     
  11. azladd

    azladd Active Member

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    I totally agree with this. Its all in perception. He could have meant that he could not afford the vacation trip because he had allotted himself money to take the church trip and therefore couldnt afford to do anything else. It doesnt really matter what came first if he had already planned in his mind to attend this function. It probably came of as ungrateful and insensitive. But its definitely something you both can get over and mend.
     
  12. MH07

    MH07 Member

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    An excellent response, imho.

    Here's what I think the partner should have said (when the topic of summer trips came up) "Well, my church has a big trip to Texas planned for this summer; I've really been wanting to go. I have enough money for that, but nothing else. Would you like to come with me?"

    That would have given you the opportunity to say, "Um, no thanks, but let's take a couple of little weekend trips on me" or something.

    I agree completely with azladd re: something to get over.

    BTW, y'all come on to Texas! We don't bite (unless you want us to...).:biggrin1:


    I was unemployed for 6 long months for the first time in a 30 year career in 2009. It was one of the worst things that's ever happened to me. You need a little break here and there--and I took some, a little quick trip "down the road" to Corpus Christi, visits to friends and relatives, etc. I sure didn't take any big trips, though, nor did I buy anything "big" during that time. It's just common sense--and with the US apparently heading into a "double-dip", it's not very smart.
     
  13. jorpollew

    jorpollew Member

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    Great response. You validated my feelings while also helping me to see things from my partner's point of view; nothing that I didn't already know, but it helped to hear it expressed with sensitivity and common sense. Thank you.
     
  14. avatarng

    avatarng Member

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    In 2009, I was fired from my job and it took me 8 months to find a good job. Thank God for that. Anyway my point is that my partner for 25 years did not hesitated to take both of us for a 3 weeks vacation in Thailand and he did the same thing this year and spent over $15,000 for both of us. It was expensive but he knows in his heart that when I am back to where I was again with money I would do the same thing to him and I have done it the past. We are buying our first home together this month and still able to take long vacation abroad together.
    Now! it is very nice of you to take your partner on vacation with you and it will be nice of you to let him go to Texas with his "Church Group". What is the point of having money and not willing to spend it. When you died you can not take it with you.
     
  15. hungboy18

    hungboy18 New Member

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    You are partners so who cares who pays for what, right? at least it should be like that, obviously he shouldn't go to that convection, since it's so expensive and probably BORING, sorry, he should save the money! or help pay for the two trips... you're right, but don't let that ruin your vacation.
     
  16. Stephenmass

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    Hungboy, if the avatar is you, damn you have a hot face!!
     
  17. august86

    august86 Member

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    Firstly, I'd say you're not wrong in displaying your dissatisfaction at the fact the he didn't see fit to tell you about his alternative plans.

    However, we seldom realise the effect that becoming unemployed has on a person, especially men.
    In Steve Harvey's book: Act Like a lady, think like a man, he mentions that "men are driven by (1) who they are, (2) what they do, and (3) how much they make", and he must be satisfied with these before he feels like he’s truly happy.
    So, it could just be that he feels the need to be among people with whom he can be normal and not feel like a "charity-case" or like he's dependent on them. I know it might be harsh to hear because you just want him to know that "you've got his back", but it is sometimes the case.

    So, my advice would be that you have a long chat about where he's at, without statements like "I'll pay for that" or "I don't mind paying, etc", but more with the emphasis that you're here for him because he's special to you and you know he would do the same for you.

    Good luck though, and let us know what happens. :wink:
     
  18. m_aston

    m_aston New Member

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    Relationship over.
    Been there, done that. Not so much because of him. What he did was entirely wrong. But the way you feel about it. No matter what your words or actions say about how you are OK with paying. You're not. And that's not to say you are a selfish person, but you want and expect to be appreciated, no matter the circumstance. One of the previous posters said "spend it, you can't take it with you". He's right, but if you can't spend it and not worry about others' motives. Game over.
    If you want to stay together, two things. Stop paying and tell him to step up if he has money for a religious adventure but not household expenses. If he wants to go on any more expeditions, he should have enough respect for you to let you go and enjoy yourself, on your dime, and on your own.
    He just made the first step away from you. Catch him before he goes down that path too far or wave goodbye.
     
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