Vaginismus

Niiko8

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-At the pub with my mates-
Friend 1 - Guys, you know Jade? She's got vaginismus, I don't know what to do. Should I help her out or just dump to avoid blueballs and emotional mess?

The first thought I had when I heard it was "Wow, has our societal standards dropped so low that we don't even want to help a partner through a serious problem?"

The guy isn't really a close friend but I'd feel uncomfortable knowing that he may potentially leave his mrs because she can't engage in sexual intercourse (Vaginal, anyway) and in my eyes it just isn't right.

I understand sex can be an important factor in relationships but should it really be a deal maker/breaker or am I just looking at this the wrong way? Surely if he really cares he'd atleast make an effort to help her?

Anybody have experience with vaginismus? I can't say I've ever come across a woman who does but then again it may be more common than I think?
 

overly_straight

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My partner suffers from vaginismus, and it's a particularly nasty issue that can get worse over time as a vicious cycle - painful sex means that she'll expect it to be painful next time, making it worse.

The bottom line is that he has to care deeply enough for her to stick through the tough times. It's a strain on a serious relationship, let alone a more casual one.
 

marriedjacker29

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Yes, my special lady has struggled with this.....And it does need special care. It CAN get worse if she lets it, because it can be a "downward spiral" of involuntary contractions of the pelvic and vaginal tissues, which will happen if she continues to subconsciously associate penetration with pain.

The good news is that it CAN get better. I recommend that she see a physical therapist who specialises in this problem. Treatments sometimes include special creams that can relax muscles, and the prescription of vaginal dilators or vibrators for her to use on herself to learn how to control those muscles "down yonder." It's a difficult problem, but there ARE ways to overcome it.
 

Over-reaching

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Well, I guess your friend is better bowing out of the relationship if he feels he wants/needs to or isn't in it for the long run in these circumstances. Probably by staying with her he might cause more harm than good.

However, I'm not sure that it is something that I would want to discuss with an amorphous group of friends at the pub, particularly if some of them weren't close friends and even more particularly if they might know the woman concerned. (It might be perfectly reasonable for him to discuss his dilemma with one or two close friends in confidence, but it hardly sounds as if this was the way he was discussing it. Either he's simply very indiscreet or he really isn't looking at the issue from her point of view at all, or both.)
 

Niiko8

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Well the problem now is that our social group knows and whatever happens depends on how he goes about whatever decision he's set on making. But thanks for the input, I've been spending my free time today looking into the condition and I'd hate to suffer from it.
 

simbablk

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I've been with a woman with Vaginismus and let me tell you, it IS difficult to deal with from the male perspective. BUT, if you're willing to stick it through with her, it actually can help HER in the long run. Of course there are many reasons why a woman suffers from this issue, but not having steady, positive relationships with men who are there for her during her time of need certainly doesn't help her - especially if the reasoning is psychological.

With my woman it was difficult but not impossible. It took LOTS of patience on my part - LOTS of patience! Initial penetration was always the hardest and most arduous task of having sex with her - especially since I'm not small (having a thick penis certainly makes things even harder when having sex with a woman with this issue). 15-20 minutes was the time it took to FULLY penetrate her and THEN begin to thrust into her for sex. LOTS. OF. PATIENCE. Sometimes I'd lose my erection or I would slip out (pulling too far out when the pain was too much) and we'd have to start ALL over again. But I can honestly say that I had some of the best times with her. Vaginismus aside, she was great. A little inexperienced but great!


So your friend has a choice to make. He can either man up and stick it out - being there for her and being patient (if sex is even possible, which for some women it's almost impossible) and going with her to the doctors to see if there is any medical or surgical intervention that would ease her discomfort and make sex easier (which I'm quite certain there is a surgical intervention but I'm not sure). Or he can run. I know first hand how hard it is to want sex and sometimes you just can't get it because she just can't. That's hard. But relationships aren't built entirely on sex and sexuality. So you've got to have something else going on in order to make the relationship work when sex isn't happening.


Simba