Venting!!!!

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by honeydew, Jan 23, 2008.

  1. honeydew

    honeydew New Member

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    Overall my husband and I have a good relationship. He does have a lot of issues we are working on due to past abuses(yes, plural) but I knew that going into the relationship. However something happened the other day that blew my mind. I went to train my dog at a seminar where you pay the guy only if he works with you and your dog. I had stated to my husband I wasn't going to pay him to work my dog. When I got there the club director stated she thought it would be good to have this guy evaluate my dog since he is defensive towards people. This would help to establish a training technique for my dog over the next couple of months. I agreed and paid the guy to work my dog. When explaining this change of mind to my husband he hung up the phone on me and later told me I had lied to him. We have only spoken to each other regarding bills, etc since this incident. My question is, does changing your mind constitute lying? I do not take it lightly to being called a liar since I make it a point in my life to be truthful and my reputation for this speaks for itself.
    Okay, I'm through with my rant but am still pissed about it.
     
  2. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    He might be overreacting, I don't know, but one thing is for sure.

    You should have called him from the seminar to discuss your change of mind before you put change in the instructor's pocket.
     
  3. HazelGod

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    I'd be pissed off at you, too.

    Yes, you lied to him. You gave him your word on a course of action, then went back on it. You got scammed, and weren't smart enough to see it coming. As Pecker noted, you should have called before agreeing to pay for anything.

    Apologize for breaking his trust, mean it, and move on.
     
  4. SpoiledPrincess

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    Well technically you did lie but people change their minds all the time and I'm sure he does too, we make a statement based on what we're thinking at the time then new info comes along to make us re-assess what we thought before, I'm sure he's done it too. Was the money you parted with a considerable amount, I wouldn't imagine so, if you're in a couple where you discuss any amount of money no matter how small maybe he has a point, but I imagine it's only a few dollars and you wouldn't usually check back with your partner every time you want a cup of coffee or a pair of tights, that'd just be insane . I wonder if really he's mad at you about something else and he's just using this as an excuse to punish you?
     
  5. snoozan

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    You guys are kidding, right? Unless this is something that would endanger honeydew's family finances, this isn't a big deal. How many times do all of us go to the store, or go out not even meaning to shop and end up coming home with something? Please. People in marriages that share finances change their minds and make spot decisions and alterations in plans all the time. If there's an issue that they can't afford it or that it would otherwise negatively impact their household, that's a separate issue. But really, do you really insist that your wives call you and tell you every time she goes shopping or every time the shopping list changes? Do you call your wives every time you decide to but that Star Trek DVD box set or a couple new golf cubs? Come the fuck on.
     
  6. HazelGod

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    Of course not!

    But the fact that's she's pissed and venting here, combined with her explicit statement that she wouldn't spend the money prior to going, led me to conclude that it was significant between the two of them. Hence my remark that it's a matter of trust.
     
  7. B_cigarbabe

    B_cigarbabe New Member

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    I might have called him from the seminar,and said, "I want to do this
    I've changed my mind now".
    On the other hand why aren't you entitled to change your mind?
    It doesn't sound like this is something, that should be a big deal
    so,what's the big issue? Is there an ulterior motive?
    Wer'e always fighting because my husband, won't bring up the real issue, and uses something like this,to start an arguement.
    cigarbabe:saevil:
     
  8. snoozan

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    I just talked to Mr. Snoozan about this, and I think the OP probably hasn't furnished enough information. You're right, if it was discussed at length and they decided as a couple that this wasn't something they could afford or should do and he was adamant about it, she betrayed a trust. However, if she just offhand said, "oh, i'm not going to get the training, i just want to see what's going on," then it's a different story. With that said, they are both adults and should be trusted to make decisions for the good of the family on the fly. Unless this was deliberate sneaking around on the OPs part, it doesn't seem like a huge deal. Annoying, maybe. Then again, if this became such a big deal, it probably points to trust issues elsewhere in the marriage like SP said. I just think that unless it somehow compromises the integrity of the family finances or puts an extra burden of responsibility on the husband, it's just one of those things that happens in a normal, healthy marriage.
     
  9. SpoiledPrincess

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    If I'd have had to clear everything I spent with my husband it wouldn't have lasted five minutes, he was my husband not my father and I wasn't a five year old.
     
  10. snoozan

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    What she said!!!!
     
  11. Not_Punny

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    Money is one of the main causes of marital stress. It's also an area of trust.

    His upset isn't just this one incident, but how can he trust you to do what you say (financially) another time. And what if more money is involved next time?

    - - - - - - -

    Separate issue:

    BTW, if I were you, I'd rework how you arrange your finances. You should have YOUR money, to do with what you please. There's household money, savings, and personal money. If it's all mixed up, then there's gonna be problems.
     
  12. honeydew

    honeydew New Member

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    All points well taken. No it wasn't a significant amount and this guy trains our dogs frequently so it is not a scam. I fully did not intend to pay him being independent and feeling I had my training under controll. Come to find out my young puppy shows a tendency not to play but go after the the guy who helps train instead of the toy, wanting to bite the man.This particular trainer specializes in this type dog so my director suggested he look at him so I CHANGED MY MIND and let him. My statement to my husband of not paying the guy was a little bit of my pride getting in the way, it had nothing to do with financial trouble/issues between us. we both spend money liberally if it is not large amounts and we discuss our budget frequently so we know what is feasible on spending.
    I am just venting because we both have done this type of thing and no problem, I just do not know why this time.
    I think it may have more to do with previous relationships and not so much ours. he has been hurt very badly in the past by several people.
     
  13. HazelGod

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    I can't stand that passive-aggressive bullshit. Just spit it out and let's have done with it so we can move on.

    My thoughts exactly.
     
  14. snoozan

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    I don't know, this sounds like a pretty normal change in plans that happens when you get better information. I also imagine this wasn't an expense like a new car or a boat or even a big screen TV. I think there are other things going on that you have to try to get to the bottom of.
     
  15. snoozan

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    There is no way in hell this arrangement would be acceptable in my marriage to me or to my husband. I don't know, when we got married we decided to pool our resources and become a unit. As part of that unit, we both have equal say of where the community pot goes. I don't make a lot of money-- and there's no way in hell I'll accept an "allowance" from my husband's salary. To me, that's no way to run finances in a marriage that is truly equal and where there's true trust. Maybe it works for other people, but I'd feel like a child and/or servant and not a partner in that case. As far as there being trouble, my husband and I communicate enough about money and other things that it doesn't cause any real trouble. It's worked well for us and still does even now that our financial situation is in a shambles. We trust each other, and keep each other in the know. I've seen too many relationships where partners keep their finances separate and it turns into one of the partners having, say, a luxury car and the other partner having to take the bus.
     
  16. tripod

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    He is getting his panties all bunched up for no flippin' reason... God, that must have pissed you off!!!
     
  17. honeydew

    honeydew New Member

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    Snoozen, I think that is why I am confused. I saw it as a moment of change in plans and nothing else and get hit with how I lied to him. It was $50 for two sessions and I called him as soon as the seminar was over to let him know I had changed my mind.. We spend that much on junk around the house and never think twice about it. If he will open up and talk I am sure something is going on besides this issue. I do not sneak around and do things behind his back(except at Christmas:smile:) and we usually are able to talk about most everything. Patience is a virtue that I am still looking for. Just venting!!!!
     
  18. B_cigarbabe

    B_cigarbabe New Member

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    I understand what your saying. My husband also has serious issues
    around money and women. Which frequently come across to me,as
    starting a fight about bs. Or I think, he doesn't like women,or he's trying to control me. Which isn't neccesarily true,but it's extremely frustrating trying to figuere out,what is really going on.
    It makes it difficult, because I never know, is this his PTSD? Or is this anxiety? Or is this some issue, we have in the relationship?
    cigarbabe:saevil:
     
  19. B_cigarbabe

    B_cigarbabe New Member

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    Exactly!
    cigarbabe:saevil:
     
  20. honeydew

    honeydew New Member

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    I like to call it PMS...permanent male syndrome they are always right...enough said.(in their mind)
    I think sometimes my being so independent is hard for him. I can make decisions and fix things around the house and do not need him to do that for me. i do ask him for help and allow him to help so he sees I want him to be there with me, not that I need him there.This will raise some stink I know. But I like to think that someone wants me there not just needs me. it brings more of an US to the relationship and not a one sided lean all the time.
     
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