Venting!!!!

honeydew

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All the time. But it seems okay if he does it. He has a way of getting an idea in his head and it will be hard to have him see it any diffrently even if it is. I am waiting for him to change his mind and ask him if he lied to me about what he was going to do.
 

Principessa

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My thoughts on this:
  • He over-reacted big time!
  • Two words: couples counseling!
  • You are not a liar, you changed your mind when you received new information.
  • Has he never heard the adage, 'It's a woman's perogative to change her mind?' :confused:
Overall my husband and I have a good relationship. He does have a lot of issues we are working on due to past abuses(yes, plural) but I knew that going into the relationship. However something happened the other day that blew my mind. I went to train my dog at a seminar where you pay the guy only if he works with you and your dog. I had stated to my husband I wasn't going to pay him to work my dog. When I got there the club director stated she thought it would be good to have this guy evaluate my dog since he is defensive towards people. This would help to establish a training technique for my dog over the next couple of months. I agreed and paid the guy to work my dog. When explaining this change of mind to my husband he hung up the phone on me and later told me I had lied to him. We have only spoken to each other regarding bills, etc since this incident. My question is, does changing your mind constitute lying? I do not take it lightly to being called a liar since I make it a point in my life to be truthful and my reputation for this speaks for itself.

Okay, I'm through with my rant but am still pissed about it.
 

tripod

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  • Has he never heard the adage, 'It's a woman's perogative to change her mind?' :confused:

My thoughts exactly!!! What woman worth her salt would need to call their husband to check and see if it is okay to changer her FUCKING MIND! lol!
 

Osiris

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I might have called him from the seminar,and said, "I want to do this
I've changed my mind now".
On the other hand why aren't you entitled to change your mind?
It doesn't sound like this is something, that should be a big deal
so,what's the big issue? Is there an ulterior motive?
Wer'e always fighting because my husband, won't bring up the real issue, and uses something like this,to start an arguement.
cigarbabe:saevil:

That's the wife and I to a tee.

I just talked to Mr. Snoozan about this, and I think the OP probably hasn't furnished enough information. You're right, if it was discussed at length and they decided as a couple that this wasn't something they could afford or should do and he was adamant about it, she betrayed a trust. However, if she just offhand said, "oh, i'm not going to get the training, i just want to see what's going on," then it's a different story. With that said, they are both adults and should be trusted to make decisions for the good of the family on the fly. Unless this was deliberate sneaking around on the OPs part, it doesn't seem like a huge deal. Annoying, maybe. Then again, if this became such a big deal, it probably points to trust issues elsewhere in the marriage like SP said. I just think that unless it somehow compromises the integrity of the family finances or puts an extra burden of responsibility on the husband, it's just one of those things that happens in a normal, healthy marriage.

Agreed. If I got bent everytime my wife comes in laden with bags, I'd be on death row for murder. Rather than get that mad, I'll usually say "So what are you going to go without to fund this little shopping outing?" She then gets the hint and it avoids a fight over finances.

I understand what your saying. My husband also has serious issues
around money and women. Which frequently come across to me,as
starting a fight about bs. Or I think, he doesn't like women,or he's trying to control me. Which isn't neccesarily true,but it's extremely frustrating trying to figuere out,what is really going on.
It makes it difficult, because I never know, is this his PTSD? Or is this anxiety? Or is this some issue, we have in the relationship?
cigarbabe:saevil:

Which I believe may be the case here.

All the time. But it seems okay if he does it. He has a way of getting an idea in his head and it will be hard to have him see it any diffrently even if it is. I am waiting for him to change his mind and ask him if he lied to me about what he was going to do.

You have a control issue. My wife and I went back and forth on this sort of thing the first two years we were together. She wanted control so I gave it and finances were screwed. I took it over and still they got screwed. Why you ask? We have two paychecks coming into the house and we both live by this ethic:

Every payday, do something nice for you. You've earned it literally.

My version of something nice is usually $30 on a DS game or $20 on a nice bottle of wine. My wife is a triple digit girl. When she saw I stopped taking her to dinner and the like, she got mad. I then showed her a budgetary spread sheet showing what came in, what had to be paid necessity wise, and what we were spending luxurywise. She saw that her spending was eating into the going out slush fund. We now communicate clearly on this and as a result are in a much better financial situation.

As for the control issue, just be careful it doesn't stay money focused. It can screw you financially. Maybe he needs to address some of his relationship issues head on rather than skirt around it.
 

dong20

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You guys are kidding, right? Unless this is something that would endanger honeydew's family finances, this isn't a big deal. How many times do all of us go to the store, or go out not even meaning to shop and end up coming home with something? Please. People in marriages that share finances change their minds and make spot decisions and alterations in plans all the time. If there's an issue that they can't afford it or that it would otherwise negatively impact their household, that's a separate issue. But really, do you really insist that your wives call you and tell you every time she goes shopping or every time the shopping list changes? Do you call your wives every time you decide to but that Star Trek DVD box set or a couple new golf cubs? Come the fuck on.

Last time I ate out, I told my partner I wasn't going to have a dessert despite where we were serving nice desserts. Later I changed my mind and had a dessert because the main course was smaller than expected and I was still a bit peckish.

She yelled at me. We had a huge row and broke up right there in the restaurant because I had lied to her about the dessert without discussing the impact on the bill and getting her agreement first.

Disclaimer: The above story is fictitious and used to illustrate the need for perspective when avoiding an overreaction. Were it real, surely it would also indicate that far deeper issues were causing an overreaction over a trifle (literally).
 

honeydew

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Thanks to all who did, and still are participating in this discussion. I have emailed him to aviod an oral debate on this topic of lying vs changing the mind. Hope this works.
 

honeydew

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Still venting tonight. It seems he feels I am lying to him and thats that!!!.
Okay, I really like being called a liar by my spouse.:mad: He wonders why I am not saying much...DUH. I might change my mind and that would be LYING!!
Okay, I think I am better...NOT.
 

D_Ed69s girl

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Honeydew, Yes you did lie. After I discussed this issue with my husband and I have to say I have done this myself. You do need to apologize and let him know that it was a spur of the moment thing. We all change our mines but you need to remember the other half in the marriage. When you stated I am doing one thing and then not bother to consult him before taking action you have hurt him and showed him that you don't trust him. Yes he was upset at you and now you are upset at him. He doesn't understand why you are not talking to him. You are taking his statement out of context and using it against him. So who is mad at a who. I think it was a good idea that you email him because right know I don't think you can talk to him peacefully and honestly hear what he has to say.
 

SpoiledPrincess

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Don't apologise for changing your mind, if you do you're just storing up trouble for the future - as Dong's little story illustrates we all change our mind and it's not the sime as consciously lying - circumstances alter our previous thinking on something and we change our mind. You shouldn't have to justify every few dollars you spend to your husband, it's supposed to be a partnership, what's yours is his and what's his is yours.

What you really need to address is the underlying issues which caused him to blow up over something so trivial.

I can't help thinking there are lots of communications problems if you had to email him about this.
 

honeydew

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Spoiled, some of the communication issues are mine. I tend to say what I think without first thinking it through. One way I have of controlling that is by e-mail He and I have discussed this at length and found when I am frustated it keeps the lines open without blurting out a response from just being hurt or upset. I have to think about what I have written, then I can really listen to what I am trying to say. Our counsellor loved this idea so I stick with it. For all who are wondering we have been in counselling, pre marital and maintain that at least once a month.
 

honeydew

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Unventing. We have had a good long chat and a lot of the issues are from past relationships and he felt I should of called to let him know I changed plans. We are going to work on that because that is not always possible. Trust is a huge issue for him but I can say that is getting better as we go along. (slowly)
Thanks to all who gave there thoughts on this. It helped me see things from different prospectives.
 

Mem

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Overall my husband and I have a good relationship. He does have a lot of issues we are working on due to past abuses(yes, plural) but I knew that going into the relationship. However something happened the other day that blew my mind. I went to train my dog at a seminar where you pay the guy only if he works with you and your dog. I had stated to my husband I wasn't going to pay him to work my dog. When I got there the club director stated she thought it would be good to have this guy evaluate my dog since he is defensive towards people. This would help to establish a training technique for my dog over the next couple of months. I agreed and paid the guy to work my dog. When explaining this change of mind to my husband he hung up the phone on me and later told me I had lied to him. We have only spoken to each other regarding bills, etc since this incident. My question is, does changing your mind constitute lying? I do not take it lightly to being called a liar since I make it a point in my life to be truthful and my reputation for this speaks for itself.
Okay, I'm through with my rant but am still pissed about it.

The abuse thing is troubling.

What you did was not a lie.

If he had asked you if you spent money on training and you had said no, that would have been a lie.