Virgin sex anxiety HELP!!

Discussion in 'The Healthy Penis' started by shyyguy123, Mar 4, 2010.

  1. shyyguy123

    shyyguy123 Member

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2010
    Messages:
    292
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    I am a 23 year old male virgin looking for some advice. Despite my extreme shyness (which I'm sure plays a huge role in this) I've always had plenty of women interested in me. And yes I have had a lot of opportunities to have sex over the past couple years. Despite all of my opportunites I always seem to blow it when it gets to the point of sex. I tend to be insanely passive and usually don't make the move when necessary, thus I've had a lot of sexless nights with women in my bed. One of the most recent opportunites and closest I've ever got to having sex I couldn't even get it up because of my anxiety.

    I'm really at the breaking point here, I kind of just wanna have sex with anyone at this point and get it over with. Has anyone ever dealt with a similar situation and if so how did you deal with it?
     
  2. B_quietguy

    B_quietguy New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 17, 2005
    Messages:
    1,286
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Bay Area, California
    Have you considered asking a close female friend to teach you the art of lovemaking?
     
  3. D_Raykbaynes Rodclogue

    D_Raykbaynes Rodclogue Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2009
    Messages:
    25
    Likes Received:
    0
    You know that Frankie Goes To Hollywood song, that's what you need to do: RELAX.

    It will happen when it will happen; you could have a terrible first time or a really great one. The best thing to do is to do it with someone you're dating or comfortable enough with. Go out on a few dates first. And if you're that nervous, when you get in the bedroom- just tell them up front. Some girls actually find it attractive- I can vouch. The main thing is to relax and have fun- it's just sex.
     
  4. enorth1

    enorth1 New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2008
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Califonria
    Had the same problem...email me and I'll have more to say.

    erasemeemail at yahoo.com
     
  5. SpeedoMike

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 19, 2007
    Messages:
    2,940
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    San Francisco Bay Area
    if it continues to be a problem you may want to see a sex therapist or counselor. lots of times the problem is ingrained in our mind and we need to learn how to change those thoughts which are affecting us.
     
  6. cbrmale

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2008
    Messages:
    1,442
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canberra, Australia
    It's called cognitive behaviour therapy, and you should see a psychologist to help you come to terms with what is a natural anxiety. We all have our anxieties, and there are very few men who don't have psychologically-triggered sexual problems at some point in our lives (I know I did).
     
  7. avg_joe

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2006
    Messages:
    3,284
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Male
    Do not forget to use condom, and do not exchange fluid with your partner to protect yourself from getting STD.
     
  8. D_Helmer Heighballs

    D_Helmer Heighballs New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2008
    Messages:
    176
    Likes Received:
    1
    relax, i think you might have some unrealistic expectations of what you have to do mate, try taking a drink, and dont worry about it, weve all had messy nasty sex, and we have all had fucking great sex. for me, the best sex was unplanned, when you get into it your body will take over, you dont need to worry about doing this or that, just have a little toke lay back and let the magic happen.

    above all remember sex is FUN, and BE SAFE (trust me unwanted pregnancies and STI's are no joke!)

    take care and let us know how it goes.

    TC
     
  9. D_Jimmy Jammer

    D_Jimmy Jammer New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2009
    Messages:
    800
    Likes Received:
    6
    Quietguy's suggestion
    isn't too far from the mark.

    I had a close friend with performance anxiety (no, not
    me :tongue:) who had the courage to ring around a few of
    the best known massage parlours, state his problem,
    and ask whether someone could help. He ended up with
    (in his words) 'a really nice lady' who literally coached
    him to orgasm. It didn't take more than three or four
    visits. Never had the problem and gone from strength
    to strength since - he certainly gets his fair share.
    I guess they don't call it the oldest profession in the
    world for nothing..
     
  10. The Great Gonzo

    The Great Gonzo New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2008
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Offline
    You have to be careful when discussing it on a forum. Many people will use the acronym "CBT," but to say that all you need is "a little CBT" to help you out before sex might be misinterpreted. :smirk:

    I agree with the "ask a close female friend" approach. They're not likely to take offence.
     
  11. Titsdude21

    Titsdude21 Member

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2009
    Messages:
    415
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    20
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    australia
    Ya my advice is just ask a female friend out right. Tell her its your first and ur nervous and then fuck her.
    I found it was best to first get comfy getting giving handjobs, then a blowjobs and then sex wont a big deal.
     
  12. seattleguy77

    seattleguy77 New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 27, 2008
    Messages:
    83
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Seattle
    Maybe you should consider dealing with you "extreme shyness" and anxiety first, then think about getting naked with another warm body. Confidence can be very sexy.
     
  13. D_Sparroe Spongecaques

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2010
    Messages:
    3,291
    Likes Received:
    6
    I agree,visiting an escort or a massage parlour might be the answer.Escorts see everything ranging from shy,nervous guys to...well really extreme things.I know a few of my escort friends have seen guys who are shy,nervousvirgins but i think its the same for alot of us.I was i know that.
     
  14. D_Sparroe Spongecaques

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2010
    Messages:
    3,291
    Likes Received:
    6
    Yes! confidance is THE sexiest thing! It's been said millions of times and also a smile,nobody can resist a lovely smile.
     
  15. cbrmale

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2008
    Messages:
    1,442
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canberra, Australia
    PrincessTasha is right; many or most escorts are great when it comes to setting the scene and helping a guy relax for sex. They are experts at it, and can turn one hour with a total stranger into a memorable experience.
     
  16. shyyguy123

    shyyguy123 Member

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2010
    Messages:
    292
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Interesting ideas. And yes I've worked hard on my shyness. I'm probably like 1/4 as shy as I was only 3 years ago which definitely feels good. I still don't have the confidence I should have though. I guess I'm lucky women find me attractive or I probably wouldn't have had any opportunities at all.

    Interesting idea about asking a close lady friend. Sounds like it could backfire though if shes not into it? Also excuse my ignorance but sex from escorts and massage parlors isn't illegal?

    I have gotten a blowjob before. I had like 4-5 beers before hand so I'm sure that helped lower my anxiety. My main problem is being too passive and not making a move with women, in general not just sex. Not sure if that has more to do with shyness or being nervous about sex probably some of both.
     
  17. D_Jimmy Jammer

    D_Jimmy Jammer New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2009
    Messages:
    800
    Likes Received:
    6
    Yes, I think it is, except Nevada. I'm not totally sure about that as I don't live in the U.S, though I travel there. But I doubt the police will spend much time raiding parlours. They didn't here before prostitution was legalised, mainly because it's a very minor 'crime' (like being boozed in the street) - I believe it's at most a misdemeanour in the States - and there's too much serious crime for them to deal with. I assume U.S. police, like police everywhere in the western world, are undermanned. Besides, the idea is to go only a few times, or once if you decided it's not for you. You'd be very unlucky, in those circumstances, to find yourself in the middle of a raid. :redface:

    However I'm not going to push anything illegal. I only mentioned it because it worked for someone I know. I get the impression prostitution is much more sophisticated here (Health Dept critera and inspection, etc.) than the U.S.

    I agree with a couple of others, too, if your shyness is deeper than simple performance anxiety, i.e. social anxiety disorder (upbringing issues, trauma, constant negative self-talk and co-existing low self-esteem, depression, perfectionism) try cognitive/cognitive behavioural therapy or some other psych modality, e.g. Process Oriented psychology (which, from a practise point-of-view, I find more powerful and effective.) :smile:
     
  18. B_quietguy

    B_quietguy New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 17, 2005
    Messages:
    1,286
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Bay Area, California
    You could also put an ad on Craiglist, SexInYourCity, AdultFriendFinder, OkCupid, or another dating site. Whether you want to mention your virginal status in the ad is up to you. Just day you want a lady friend to help you explore some sexual activities and fantasies. You will likely get several responses, and you could email back and forth with each responder until you find one or more you feel really comfortable with. Then meet them in person at a restaurant or coffee shop. The good part about this tactic is you get to set the pace of how fast or slow you want to go with each partner - and you get to choose the partners that are best for you.

    Be sure to play safe (i.e. - use condom, use a dam, and get tested).

    Good luck! Be sure to forgive yourself if you make mistake. Everybody makes mistakes like choosing a date who is not good for them, or forgetting to bring up STD's, or feeling unsure about what fantasies and activities you want to try. Almost everyone feels anxious on a first date, or the first time with a new partner.

    I'm willing to bet that after the first few times with a caring partner, sex will seem like a wonderful experience and you will ask yourself why you didn't do this sooner.

    Once you do the deed, please post and tell us how well it went. You'll likely get a round of applause.
     
  19. cody6482

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2007
    Messages:
    145
    Albums:
    4
    Likes Received:
    893
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Nebraska (US)
    Verified:
    Photo
    I have had the exact same problems as you and although I am not a virgin anymore, I still have a very hard time with it. I am also, as you stated, a very shy person as well, that has over come it somewhat and I honestly don't think we will ever fully over come it. I don't mean to discourage you though. Keep at it, it will happen!

    My situation was a bit different then yours because of my sexual preference, but I really think the advice the guys give you saying to talk to a female friend might help you out, at least that is what pushed me in the right direction anyway.

    Good luck!
     
  20. cbrmale

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2008
    Messages:
    1,442
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canberra, Australia
    I think that those of us who recommended an escort come from countries where prostitution is legal. I gather that such things are illegal in the US, which has a spin-off that it's not so much a sought after profession, and the girls in the sex industry may not be as high-class as what you might find in the UK, Australia and most of the rest of the Western world. Or if they are high-class, they are also very expensive.

    Here, many escorts have websites, brothels are listed on the stock exchange, there's a political party (the Sex Party) gaining ground by pushing a pro-sex agenda, and so on.
     
Draft saved Draft deleted