Virgin

[Walktheplank]

Hey I'm a gay virgin and I'm kind of tired of being a virgin...I want to lose my virginity but I don't want to lose it through a hookup. The sad part is that I'm too busy for a boyfriend, and I don't have many gay friends. I want to have sex, am I over thinking this?

 

[BoiPussy93]

Find somebody online but be patient. Get to know them. If you click then good. If not move on. If you move forward get tested before anything and always have safe sex. Plus guys always love virgins!

 

[keenobserver]

Hey I'm a gay virgin and I'm kind of tired of being a virgin...I want to lose my virginity but I don't want to lose it through a hookup. The sad part is that I'm too busy for a boyfriend, and I don't have many gay friends. I want to have sex, am I over thinking this?

Perhaps. We are what we spend our time doing. If you are too busy - and I am accepting that you really are - then you may not be ready to move beyond the thinking about it phase. On one hand just don't have your desire is saying, "I want to do this," but something is saying , "Only do it in a certain way or it will be unacceptable or bad." Then you move to, "I really don't have time to do it the way I think it needs to be done."

Okay. That may not be working for you.

I can only speak for myself. When I was a young adult virgin, looking to have intercourse the first time I wound up going 650 plus miles to New York City to do it. It took a little effort, and the hook up style experience did not go as well as I expected - it was pretty bad actually. Still I found it encouraging. I was glad the guy was a one off. I never saw him before we hooked up (well, 2 minutes in a bath house) and I had no desire to bond with him after he had his way with me. Maybe it would have gone better if we had known each other better before we did it, but maybe not. I was glad I owed him nothing. I learned from the experience, and it got really good really fast for me in terms of sexual satisfaction.

HOWEVER - Times were way, way different then. Being tagged as a queer (and for the record - "put one cock in your mouth one time and you are forever a cocksucker," was the mantra of the day) was career ending for many, many people. State and Federal governments would not look at you for a job and would fire you if they ever found out later. Therefore the bath houses, arcades and seedy bars had a useful place for many of us.

Now, guys cruise on line, at clubs, even at work (depending). The social and career stigmas are falling away.
That said, I would if I were in your place try on line reach outs. Be up front about your lack of same sex experience and be clear about what your expectations are i.e. safe, limits respected, etc. Arrange a meeting in a public place and over coffee and a bite to eat talk to the guy and get a sense of who he is. Perfect may be hard to come by, but really good isn't that hard to find. Then go and hook up. Maybe a friendship will develop, maybe you'll be hook up buddies, maybe he'll turn into the love of your life. Or not. Still you have to be a bit pro-active and take a leap at some point. That doesn't mean you can't be wise in your choice, but you may want to consider that yes, you're overthinking this a bit.

Every first time in life usually requires facing fears (maybe too strong a word?) and moving forward. Maybe you're really not ready, maybe you are. Only you will know, but my experience is that when you want to do something, you usually find a way to do it.

Good luck.

 

[malakos]

Don't get hung up on that idea. Virginity historically was only really associated with females. In the modern era it really has no relevance any longer. And I'm not one to often say that sort of thing.

However, I do admit that the first sexual experience can have a significant impact on one's sexuality going forward, much as first impressions do with relationships, so it is important to pick someone you are confident you will have a good experience with.

 

[Exbiker]

Yeah.

It's about some sort of balance.

Look, one's first few sexual experiences are unlikely to be perfect. It's not all like a romantic fantasy. But they can be a little better or worse, depending how you do it, and with whom. And where, with what forms of time pressure, etc. There's nothing wrong with that.

I see it as getting some experience from which to start learning, and building your skills/ intuitions/ preferences. It requires iteration - you try things, test things, rebuild your model of how it all (the social/personal/emotional side as well as the actual activity) works, how it should ideally be. Notice, reflect, resolve.

But it is important NOT to think the start of the journey is urgent. It simply can't be. It doesn't matter to anyone else when you do it - it's not a competition. Any time after legal age of consent for you is fine ... months, years, even decades.

Just try to be good to the people you are with, and try to learn from them, and share.

 

[DavidXL]

But it is important NOT to think the start of the journey is urgent. It simply can't be. It doesn't matter to anyone else when you do it - it's not a competition. Any time after legal age of consent for you is fine ... months, years, even decades.

Just try to be good to the people you are with, and try to learn from them, and share.

I think that is so true. People often focus on their status as a virgin, because they look around at their friends or the media (e.g., film and TV) and think that others are doing this, so they should hurry up and join the party. I have a female friend who was acting that way, even if she wasn't saying it. It had become a hang-up with her that she was 28 and still a virgin. So, she finally "lost it" with a pretty random guy she had known from high school in what ultimately proved to be 2 unsatisfactory encounters. (btw, she's happily married now to someone she met later on). I bet that if she had to do it all over again, she wouldn't have hooked up with this guy "just to get it over with."

Everyone's different. I prefer sex with people I love as opposed to just random encounters. But, that's just me. Boring to others, I'm sure. But, my advice would be to hold off until it is someone you care about and who cares about you. Unless, of course, emotional connection with sex doesn't matter (and it is perfectly fine if it doesn't to you). In that case, just go online, and you could probably lose it within the next hour or 2.

My first time with a woman was when I was 18 and it was in the backseat of a VW in a parking lot with someone the same age I didn't know very well and didn't care about. While I was more than happy to leave my virginity in the dust, the encounter felt rather empty and cheap. I was horny, of course. But, I am also a romantic, and this probably wasn't the best memory for me for a "first." The sex with women I loved was by far better than with the ones I didn't.

When I hit my 40s and became open to the idea of having sex with a man, I thought of that backseat of the VW in a parking lot and didn't want my first experience with a man to be the same. When I ultimately had it, it was with someone I care about very much and I'm glad it wasn't just some random person, like my first time with a woman.

So, do what feels right for you. Don't feel like you are on some type of timeline or have to keep up with the Joneses.

Oh, and you're not too busy for a boyfriend. You just haven't met the right person. When that happens, you definitely find the time.

Good luck with what ever you decide is right for you!

 

[Walktheplank]

I think that is so true. People often focus on their status as a virgin, because they look around at their friends or the media (e.g., film and TV) and think that others are doing this, so they should hurry up and join the party. I have a female friend who was acting that way, even if she wasn't saying it. It had become a hang-up with her that she was 28 and still a virgin. So, she finally "lost it" with a pretty random guy she had known from high school in what ultimately proved to be 2 unsatisfactory encounters. (btw, she's happily married now to someone she met later on). I bet that if she had to do it all over again, she wouldn't have hooked up with this guy "just to get it over with."

Everyone's different. I prefer sex with people I love as opposed to just random encounters. But, that's just me. Boring to others, I'm sure. But, my advice would be to hold off until it is someone you care about and who cares about you. Unless, of course, emotional connection with sex doesn't matter (and it is perfectly fine if it doesn't to you). In that case, just go online, and you could probably lose it within the next hour or 2.

My first time with a woman was when I was 18 and it was in the backseat of a VW in a parking lot with someone the same age I didn't know very well and didn't care about. While I was more than happy to leave my virginity in the dust, the encounter felt rather empty and cheap. I was horny, of course. But, I am also a romantic, and this probably wasn't the best memory for me for a "first." The sex with women I loved was by far better than with the ones I didn't.

When I hit my 40s and became open to the idea of having sex with a man, I thought of that backseat of the VW in a parking lot and didn't want my first experience with a man to be the same. When I ultimately had it, it was with someone I care about very much and I'm glad it wasn't just some random person, like my first time with a woman.

So, do what feels right for you. Don't feel like you are on some type of timeline or have to keep up with the Joneses.

Oh, and you're not too busy for a boyfriend. You just haven't met the right person. When that happens, you definitely find the time.

Good luck with what ever you decide is right for you!

Thank you so much!!!! It really means a lot. I have been pretty lost for the past month.