"Virginity" at 29 ...

[PatriotSam]

This post is about being a virgin (or somewhat so) at age 29.

I've hit this topic in posts before but here I’m really trying to find out why it’s so wrong to be a guy at my age who hasn’t had sex before? My life isn’t over yet so what’s the big deal?

My lack of sexual experience started out as a conscious choice to abstain (waiting for marriage) and now I’ve decided to let that slide (now I just require a committed relationship). The obstacle now is just a matter of being isolated from large groups of available women (self employed, always traveling around and live away from the city) and the lack of time to go out and find them. (Though my 2009 resolution is to meet more women.)

I also have very high standards ... not unrealistic standards ... just very high.

I don’t really hide my lack of experience and I suppose I’m rather proud of my commitment to quality relationships. But the pressure from society (and recently from friends) makes me heavily second guess my choices and makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong ... or rather not doing something right.

I'm a rather attractive guy (if I do say so myself), I get plenty of attention from women, I’m polite, respectful, passionate, romantic, intelligent and ambitious. I can fix a car, remodel a house and I even cook! Oh, and seeing how this is LPSG ... I'm on the "above average" side of the scale.

I own my own house, drive a reasonable vehicle, run my own business and generally do things that would be considered "successful". (Though it's a startup business so I’m not a millionaire yet.)

Earlier this week I had a little discussion with my best friend and two girls and decided to essentially "spill the beans" about my sex life. I did it because I wanted to see how other people reacted in person.

Essentially they where all completely shocked. One girl ended up curled up in a ball on her chair as if my "virginity" was somehow going to affect her, the other girl was looking at me like she wanted to jump over the table and take me right there … and my best friend was sincerely concerned that I had some sort of psychological problem. (As if I was anti-social or depressed in some way.)

Now before I continue, the reason I’m using the word "virginity" in quotations is because I’ve both given and received oral sex on a few occasions but I’ve never had intercourse or had a relationship. So while I may not technically be a virgin, I’ve not had the complete sexual experience and reserve it for someone who I’m physically/emotionally attracted to and shares the same feelings toward me.

I mean, when a girl opens herself up to me physically I take that very seriously and truly respect the opportunity. I want to take my time and enjoy her body and let her enjoy my efforts. Honestly I have more fun servicing the girl, listening to her moan and squeak and wiggle around as I work my way around her body.

I've often fantasized about having a woman in an exotic location with a warm breeze blowing through the room, scented candles and oils in play and just spending all night taking in the entire experience.

But instead, my experiences have ended abruptly when the girl realized I wouldn’t just pound her?

I mean, I realize that girls get horny just like guys and I realize that sometimes a down and dirty fuck is in order ... but I just can't get into that when I don't know the girl well. If I was with her for a while, was very comfortable with her and had that sudden raging lust ... than sure! But I just can’t get comfortable with a random chic.

The thing that really drives me nuts though is the reaction I get from other guys when I act polite and respectful toward women. It's as if I’m some sort of freak? Like, if my mindset is not to pin her down and fuck her senseless than I’m not a man? (Now don't get me wrong, the thought of pounding every hot girl I see certainly crosses my mind ... but I have enough self control not to verbally communicate that fact to every other guy within a 12 foot radius.)

I guess in that way I’m very different from most other guys and that difference tends to alienate me.

So what do you think of all this?

Do I sound like I have a problem? Or do I simply sound like I’m waiting for the right girl to come around?

 

[PatriotSam]

You know, it's sort of silly because when i write these posts it may take several hours. In that time i usually work the issue out in my head and end up coming to my own conclusion. (Or reaffirming my original position.)

But the influence of society is just so damn invasive and the pressure is such that i end up not knowing what to do!

Honestly, the catalyst for writing this post was actually this article ... AskMen.com - My first time

The advice in the article is so simple i find myself laughing but it also got me horny as hell thinking about the finer points of working around a womans body.

Plus for some reason theres all these damed sex documentaries on TV tonight!

I guess the only real solution is to get out there and find myself a good woman!

 

[piratebulldog]

Absolutely nothing wrong with you Sam! DOing good...you got a good future ahead of you..you have made some good decisions..now just find the good woman you deserve!

All the best!

 

[THEDUDEofDestiny]

i suggest you lower your standards

 

[camchain]

there is nothing wrong with being a virgin at 29. i was 23 when i lost mine, it will happen when it happens, i was not in a rush to lose it, it just happend.
and when the timeing is right, it will happen to you to.
be proud of what you have got.

 

[someotherguy]

Thanks for your honesty. I was 25 when I lost my virginity. It wasn't because I was afraid or a Quasimodo, it was because I was too nice and always ended up being a friend to women instead of a potential sex partner. I'm made some changes in that area and have been trying to make myself more known as a "man" while never losing my nice side. I just can't act like a jerk in the hope that I get laid. So don't worry, the right girl will come around and your first time will be wonderful.

 

[THEDUDEofDestiny]

so a bunch of dudes on the internet are still virgins in their 20s? next thing you know i will find out that most dudes here don't have a large penis, or that most "girls" on here do.

 

[2322]

Hear me out with this because I went back and read the entirety of your previous thread about this very issue from back in November.

There's nothing wrong with being a virgin, but there is something wrong in not shopping around. Being alone is not teaching you how to build mature relationships with women on a romantic level. I understand that you're waiting for the perfect girl to come along, but when she does, how will you know how to interact with her? The bit about kissing a lot of frogs... is true for men too and dating, even if you're not seriously interested, is good practice for when the right girl does come along. If you went bass fishing and had never fished before, would you just wait for the biggest bass to come along or would you catch as many smaller bass as possible so that when the big one does come along, it doesn't get away?

Dating, even if you have no real interest in the other person, helps build interpersonal relationships. I know this because I'm 42 and a few weeks ago I went on my first date in 20 years. I've been doing what you're doing now, waiting for just the right person to come along or just not bother looking. I felt like I was 14 again and, in some ways, I was. I have sex from time to time so I am experienced that way, but I've never been in a relationship.

And it shows. I'm entirely naive about many aspects of romance or dating because I haven't experienced them to any degree. I went to a seminar last month and met a great guy I really like and asked out a few weeks ago. We had a great time but I don't think he took it to be a date. I think he thought we were getting together just as friends. This happened because I was sending out mixed signals. My body behavior didn't match my words and I realized too late that this was the case. Now I'm going to ask this guy out again but I may well have blown the whole thing because I was too inexperienced to send him the right signals describing in just what way I was interested in him.

That's where the dreaded, "friends," pile comes in. If the signals aren't right and their not delivered in an expert manner, you likely won't get a second glance from a woman: Ms. Wrong or Ms. Right. You need to get a game and play it. Date women you have absolutely NO interest in. In fact, they're the best ones to date because you won't care so much if you fuck-up. The trick with women is to give them some, but leave enough to hunger for more. Women love to know that you find them attractive. They want you to look them up and down a few times with a dirty thought in your mind. They want to know you hunger for them even if you have the most G-rated conversation to follow, "I see you like reading Judy Blume books." "Why, yes, I'm a teacher." Don't respect her brain first. Ogle a bit, and continue to ogle, preferably with amusing (try to get her to at least giggle) words that could be made into double entendres. When you speak to her look her in the eye and when she speaks to you, spend half the time looking at her body. Smile a lot too. You've got to send a signal that you're looking romance otherwise it's off to the friends pile with you and that's the end of that.

You also don't want to be in the unenviable position of having to explain your chaste life. At 29 it sounds a bit weird, at 42 it sounds mental and in both cases it can scare away potentially good mates. They will all ask you about previous relationships and saying, "They're in the past, I like to focus on the now," or some such thing, only works for so long. They'll want to feel as if they're competing with other women for your attention because it makes you more attractive (the wedding band effect). As to the sex thing, that can be very cool but don't mention it until you know a woman's sufficiently interested in you to be turned-on by the idea of being your first rather than being repulsed.

So yeah, I've been your route and then some. Don't end-up where I am now in the romance boat because I'm even further from shore than you are. Get out there and get some serious practice in because you'll want your A game. Who knows? You may even find that hot looking women can also be pretty smart. A lot of women hide their intelligence from men because they believe men are intimidated by intelligent women. PhDs dressing up in party girl outfits with boob-enhancer bras and hooker heels isn't as rare as you think. As you said, sometimes you just want to get laid and dressing like Lilith Sternan Crane isn't going to do it for a woman.

So get out there and start dating so that when Mrs. Right does appear on the horizon you'll know how to get her interest, keep it, and make her come back for more.

 

[D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah]

People will tell you its not normal and all types of shit, but if you are happy then be proud of the decisions you have made and dont make future choices based upon other peoples expectations and ideals

 

[Steve26]

It sounds like you are happy with your decision to remain a "virgin" this long, which is really all that matters. It shouldn't matter what others think of your decision, and if you are alarmed or disturbed by the reactions you get from others, then it might be worthwhile keeping your sexual status more private.

That said, I do agree with several of the previous posts: IMO, once you meet "Ms. Right," you'll have a better relationship for having had some prior experience with other people. How can you really know a partner is perfect for you, or even good for you, if you have nothing to judge her against?

I met my wife when I was 19, so I don't have tons of experience with other women. But I'm glad she wasn't the first woman I ever dated (or had sex with), and I'm glad I wasn't her first either. I think our previous experiences help us each realize just how good we are for each other.

Still -- to reiterate what I said at the start, the most important thing is to live your life the way YOU are comfortable with. I'm just playing devil's advocate a bit, pointing out some potential limitations in your approach ... but in no way do I think there's anything wrong with you for having chosen as you have.

Steve

 

[Rikter8]

Post some photos.

 

[Realslik]

This is a tough one, just find a girl for one night stand and remove the whole virgin thing, ha ha joking, i think you should do what you find is best for you, and do not let the society to dictate what should happen in your life, you will find that special someone and it will be magical

 

[Calboner]

so a bunch of dudes on the internet are still virgins in their 20s? next thing you know i will find out that most dudes here don't have a large penis, or that most "girls" on here do.

:rofl: