VIZ TOP TIPS Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence. J B Cartland, Brighton. Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker "Dustbuster." The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be dispatched by the more usual methods at a more leisurely pace. J. T., Thropton. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin into a bowl of iron filings. B Villbens, Birmingham. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously "erased." Sam Neffendorf, Weybridge. A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties. L Traintu, Clarkesville. Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey. It gives any cocktail a bit of "oomph." James Francis, East Glamorgan Hospital. Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding under the covers. Charles Holley, Newcastle. Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to an empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice. Ms. G. M. Dowd, Wigan. Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside. P.Turner, Liverpool L17. Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking them to wrap it. D. Treloar, Wandsworth. A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an ideal "car" for snakes. G. Dorson, Skipton. Cant afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and press them into your eyes. D. Stokes, Middlesex. Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water. P.J. Ruddock, London. Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln. Cyclists. Next time you're out on your bike take a tin bath and about 4 or 5 gallons of water in plastic containers. In the event of a flat tire this will help you locate any punctures you may have. Andy Hodgeson, Manchester. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view. S Goldhanger, Fulchester. Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa anytime by just turning on the tap. Mrs M Growitt, Birmingham. Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time. Sgt. R. J. Crowe, 662 Squadron, Germany. Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol whenever you park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two plastic buckets. D. Griffiths, Kent. Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house. Mr P. Lilburn, Rotherham. Record the sound of your wife having an orgasm, and then listen to the tape through headphones next time you make love. That way you can have sex without waking her up. Frank Wilson, Southend. Fellas. Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because you're shite at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly with extra girlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub. Daphnie Treloar, Cardiff. Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you cant and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under- arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt. D Thresher, Wapping. Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piercing together potatoes. B Reastford, Iranville, Notts. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner. Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas. N. Burke, Manchester. As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use in such emergencies. Mrs D Bibby, Rugby. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead. When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. D. Rogers Hemel, Hempstead General Infirmary. Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide out. Kate Emblen, Uxbridge. Cyclists. Why not try stopping at red lights like everyone else, instead of riding up onto the pavement to avoid them. Stupid Bastards. M Burridge, Newcastle. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard. P Raker, Chatham. Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be worn around the neck. B Morgan, Criccieth. Don't buy expensive "ribbed" condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on. D Duckham, Didford. Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative to sun-bed treatments. Mr T. Eebly, Warstead. Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again. P Loft, Gateshead. I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving. The secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you have completely forgotten ever owning a car. Mike Grey, Essex. Prevent crisps cutting your gums and getting caught between teeth by steeping them in a bowl of water before eating them. T.C. Jackson, York. Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by making "blinkers" out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to each temple. Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood. Internet users. Try "accessing" your local newsagents and "download" a few wank mags from the top shelf. They're cheaper than computers, and easier to smuggle into the toilet. Carl Hesketh, Blackburn. A next door neighbours car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency. Nick Jeggo, Adbaston, Staffs. Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player during a powercut. Howard Urmenyl, Amersham, Leo Sayer country. Next time you go drink driving ask a friend or relative to follow you on a moped carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can take the blame. Bastien Phelp, Bath. Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act. W. T. Conqueror, Hastings. Play "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipe and a cricket ball. I. K. Brunel, Bristol. Play "Moth Aircraft Carriers" by floating a shoe box in the bath with a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic and dangerous landings. Neil Davis, e-mail. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Sister S. Berwick, Blackrod. Fool passers by into thinking you keep a bird of prey by walking down the street wearing a leather gauntlet, waving a piece of raw meat in your hand and constantly looking up into the sky. Simone Glover, Tottenham.