Voluntarily Celibate/Celibacy

[markgaveda]

Am I alone in this? No matter how hard I try to convince myself that I should go for one because I want intimacy and sex (on occasion), I just can't really get into romantic relationships again anymore, regardless of sex/gender. My last one ended after close to three years, and I didn't have a say in it. This happened towards the end of 2020, which is over three years ago at this point. I don't talk to my ex anymore (unrelated).

I have urges occasionally like anyone else, but the thought of another romantic relationship isn't appealing at all, honestly. I don't know if I'm alone in feeling this way, especially on a website like this with skewed opinions, but I guess it would be nice to know if I wasn't.

No need to comment if you don't really want to, but I would appreciate if you voted in the poll. I'm interested in gauging opinions. Thanks.

 

[marriedasian]

but the thought of another romantic relationship isn't appealing at all, honestly.

The question here is why you feel this way. Is it because you truly want this or is it a reactionary response to your bad experience? There's a difference.

 

[markgaveda]

The question here is why you feel this way. Is it because you truly want this or is it a reactionary response to your bad experience? There's a difference.

It's a little bit of both (to an extent), maybe? It's hard to say with certainty. My desire for another relationship isn't great and never has been historically because I've been focused on different things, but it still lingers. Sometimes it's stronger, sometimes it's less. I'm comfortable with the idea of growing old and staying (happy and) single at 70 with little to no regrets, but I'm also aware of how much better life can be with a good, great, or an amazing partner. My past relationship isn't indicative of how my next relationship could be, and I'm aware of that.

It's not entirely reactionary, either. Part of my reaction stems from the way my last relationship was, but it's only a part of it. It puts into perspective how a relationship can affect you holistically. Most of it is just from taking into account how a relationship affects you over a prolonged period of time, and the trade-offs that come with that. I like the balance that I have now, and I don't want to upend it completely.

 

[halcyondays]

Nothing wrong with taking a break for a while. Doesn't have to be permanent does it?

 

[Nick Briggs]

One if your "No" Votes...

I'm one of those guys who hasn't been single since I started dating. Several year relationship with a chick... another... another... etc... with maybe only a few weeks / months in between. Its not that I have any fear of being alone just like you said you do not.

But I do feel that... being lonely... just sucks after a while.

I'm totally fine with alone time / periods. And I'm one of those people who seems to "get the list done" A LOT better when I have extended periods of being alone. Work, sleep, personal goals and obligations focus time, the chores get done perfectly, the house is spotless, jacking it to porn as much as my perverted mind needs. Time with friends and family that relationships take up because when you're in a good relationship you should WANT to be around that person as much as you can.

I have never... and will never... understand people who get into relationships and end up saying...

"I just need time away from them...."

.... THAT... is not a good or worthwhile relationship to me. That is a relationship of convenience. And there 100% is a difference between someone smothering you, and holy shit... actually liking or loving you to the point where they actually wanna be around you as much as they possibly can. Because that kinda is the point of a relationship, and a sign of a good one at that.

If she is ACTUALLY preventing you from seeing friends or family... or being a hindrance to your work, or real set in stone goals or obligations. Then that person isn't right for you or they're a controlling fuck who isn't compatible with you to begin with. Find someone more compatible, there are 7 billion people on this planet... there's someone.

But you don't get into a relationship with someone because you "only WANT to see them every now and again".... that's not a relationship. That's a fuck buddy and nothing more. You can't truly be in love with someone you can't stand to be around for more than "set periods" of time.

But being alone... like I said... is lonely. There's only so many chores, so much OT at work, so much time playing video games or watching sports or doing xyz with friends and family, or doing all of said above things along on total solitude before I freaking wanna cuddle with my cutie and watch movies and do xyz with the "intimate factor" being present during all of said xyz things.

Getting away from "relationship quality" and back to the core question of sex... celibacy voluntarily.

For me.... Love =/= Sex. (Love Does NOT Equal Sex)

A contradiction coming from a huge pervert like me? Absolutely... to a degree.

I don't give a shit about sex if I actually love someone. But that's only to a point. If I'm getting the intimacy of the kissing, cuddling, spending time together, connection stuff. I'm usually "ok" to not be getting my dick sucked often.... but I still WANT IT.... Still want her hands jacking me off, I still want her mouth sucking my dick, I still wanna be grabbing sucking and squeezing those big titties and rubbing and licking the hairy pussy.... actual penetrative sex I couldn't care less about.... I enjoy the 1st through 3rd bases way more.

But... I find NOTHING... absolutely NOTHING... to be "romantic" or "lovey dovey" about a chick shoving my cock in her mouth sucking me off for 30 minutes, nutting on her titties, jacking me off while we're binging netflix shows, eating her pussy and making her gush on my tongue, or plowing her doggy style and creampieing her hairy pussy.

"Making love"... ?????... Does Not Compute.

I fuck because its freaking fun and feels awesome. I don't fuck a chick to "improve our connection"... that's what talking and living together and being around each other and going through situations and time together is for.

Do I need the sex fun allllllll the time... nope. I wouldn't even use the word "need"... it's a "want".... but at the same time I'm not going to be in a relationship where it's totally void or off limits because there's only so much fun you can have jacking off before you wanna suck some big titties haha.

Total Celibacy is not acceptable to me. Periods of "sexlessness"... are acceptable, i can watch porn and perv out online in places like this. But sex being totally off the table or "never gonna happen".... cya... I'll find someone else. While sex doesn't equal love to me... sexual compatibility is still necessary for a healthy relationship. Because who wants to be with someone who can't make you cum, and what chick wants to be with a guy who can't make her orgasm 5x in a row because he doesn't know what a clit is.

Really here and there mind trek... but... I can't relate to being okay with celibacy.

I like being in a quality good relationship. I like having access to sex fun. There's only so much alone time, friend time, or family time I can take before it just gets freaking lonely without that "intimacy" aspect being there. And there's only so much jacking off to porn I can do before I want a chick's mouth sucking me off while I'm licking her off.

Just my take... and I "think" you're similar... just with a mindset added in of "Being fed up with the chase..."

I have friends who are like that. Online dating is a woman's game. They get 1000 "matches" to men's 1, even if they are average looking chick's. And society today has taught 99% of females to be wary or avoid connecting in person due to assault stuff until you've gotten to know then.

As far as guy on guy since you're "Pan"... sorry... no experience other than us guys are horny fuckers haha. So relationship wise I can't help you. But sexually I'd say it shouldn't be too difficult to find a fuck buddy if you really put the feelers out.

Don't give up.... figure out what you REALLY WANT... and go for it and be open to what you find. Being lonely sucks.

 

[markgaveda]

Nothing wrong with taking a break for a while. Doesn't have to be permanent does it?

I guess not, no, but I just want to avoid having it turn into a permanent one (if I can help it), and I feel like there's a perfectly plausible solution that I'm overlooking somehow. I'm sure that it'll sort itself out in due time, and it's completely possible that it could be the byproduct of a plethora of current stressors, but I can't help but feel like I have a mental blockade that I need to overcome. It's probably just the engineer in me talking. Idk.

Maybe I need to relax more.

 

[markgaveda]

One if your "No" Votes...

I'm one of those guys who hasn't been single since I started dating. Several year relationship with a chick... another... another... etc... with maybe only a few weeks / months in between. Its not that I have any fear of being alone just like you said you do not.

But I do feel that... being lonely... just sucks after a while.

I'm totally fine with alone time / periods. And I'm one of those people who seems to "get the list done" A LOT better when I have extended periods of being alone. Work, sleep, personal goals and obligations focus time, the chores get done perfectly, the house is spotless, jacking it to porn as much as my perverted mind needs. Time with friends and family that relationships take up because when you're in a good relationship you should WANT to be around that person as much as you can.

I have never... and will never... understand people who get into relationships and end up saying...

"I just need time away from them...."

.... THAT... is not a good or worthwhile relationship to me. That is a relationship of convenience. And there 100% is a difference between someone smothering you, and holy shit... actually liking or loving you to the point where they actually wanna be around you as much as they possibly can. Because that kinda is the point of a relationship, and a sign of a good one at that.

If she is ACTUALLY preventing you from seeing friends or family... or being a hindrance to your work, or real set in stone goals or obligations. Then that person isn't right for you or they're a controlling fuck who isn't compatible with you to begin with. Find someone more compatible, there are 7 billion people on this planet... there's someone.

But you don't get into a relationship with someone because you "only WANT to see them every now and again".... that's not a relationship. That's a fuck buddy and nothing more. You can't truly be in love with someone you can't stand to be around for more than "set periods" of time.

But being alone... like I said... is lonely. There's only so many chores, so much OT at work, so much time playing video games or watching sports or doing xyz with friends and family, or doing all of said above things along on total solitude before I freaking wanna cuddle with my cutie and watch movies and do xyz with the "intimate factor" being present during all of said xyz things.

Fair. I can relate to an extent.

Getting away from "relationship quality" and back to the core question of sex... celibacy voluntarily.

For me.... Love =/= Sex. (Love Does NOT Equal Sex)

A contradiction coming from a huge pervert like me? Absolutely... to a degree.

I don't give a shit about sex if I actually love someone. But that's only to a point. If I'm getting the intimacy of the kissing, cuddling, spending time together, connection stuff. I'm usually "ok" to not be getting my dick sucked often.... but I still WANT IT.... Still want her hands jacking me off, I still want her mouth sucking my dick, I still wanna be grabbing sucking and squeezing those big titties and rubbing and licking the hairy pussy.... actual penetrative sex I couldn't care less about.... I enjoy the 1st through 3rd bases way more.

But... I find NOTHING... absolutely NOTHING... to be "romantic" or "lovey dovey" about a chick shoving my cock in her mouth sucking me off for 30 minutes, nutting on her titties, jacking me off while we're binging netflix shows, eating her pussy and making her gush on my tongue, or plowing her doggy style and creampieing her hairy pussy.

"Making love"... ?????... Does Not Compute.

I fuck because its freaking fun and feels awesome. I don't fuck a chick to "improve our connection"... that's what talking and living together and being around each other and going through situations and time together is for.

Do I need the sex fun allllllll the time... nope. I wouldn't even use the word "need"... it's a "want".... but at the same time I'm not going to be in a relationship where it's totally void or off limits because there's only so much fun you can have jacking off before you wanna suck some big titties haha.

Eh. It can be. Depends on the context. I feel like straight guys see the world differently than bi/pan men.

Total Celibacy is not acceptable to me. Periods of "sexlessness"... are acceptable, i can watch porn and perv out online in places like this. But sex being totally off the table or "never gonna happen".... cya... I'll find someone else. While sex doesn't equal love to me... sexual compatibility is still necessary for a healthy relationship. Because who wants to be with someone who can't make you cum, and what chick wants to be with a guy who can't make her orgasm 5x in a row because he doesn't know what a clit is.

Really here and there mind trek... but... I can't relate to being okay with celibacy.

I like being in a quality good relationship. I like having access to sex fun. There's only so much alone time, friend time, or family time I can take before it just gets freaking lonely without that "intimacy" aspect being there. And there's only so much jacking off to porn I can do before I want a chick's mouth sucking me off while I'm licking her off.

I feel like I'd rather masturbate than hook-up with strangers. There's way too much that can go wrong there. Toys fulfill the same need without any of the complications.

Just my take... and I "think" you're similar... just with a mindset added in of "Being fed up with the chase..."

No, I don't think that that's really the case here. I don't usually chase unless it's mutual, but that's not much of a chase at that point.

I have friends who are like that. Online dating is a woman's game. They get 1000 "matches" to men's 1, even if they are average looking chick's. And society today has taught 99% of females to be wary or avoid connecting in person due to assault stuff until you've gotten to know then.

I mean.. it's a perfectly reasonable concern. Some men are creeps.

As far as guy on guy since you're "Pan"... sorry... no experience other than us guys are horny fuckers haha. So relationship wise I can't help you. But sexually I'd say it shouldn't be too difficult to find a fuck buddy if you really put the feelers out.

You're fine, lmao. Every contribution is helpful. I guess I could go for another fuck buddy again and see where it goes, but I could just impose higher standards this time that could leave enough space for a relationship, if need be.

Don't give up.... figure out what you REALLY WANT... and go for it and be open to what you find. Being lonely sucks.

I think I have a different issue. I usually have an idea of what I want. This feels different.

Thanks for sharing.

 

[markgaveda]

The question here is why you feel this way. Is it because you truly want this or is it a reactionary response to your bad experience? There's a difference.

It was a combination of depression and stress, lol. Every time it happens, it completely kills my libido, and it clouds my judgement. I think I've healed enough from my last relationship for that experience to be a factor. I definitely don't feel like it is anymore.

 

[MenageA3]

I guess not, no, but I just want to avoid having it turn into a permanent one (if I can help it), and I feel like there's a perfectly plausible solution that I'm overlooking somehow. I'm sure that it'll sort itself out in due time, and it's completely possible that it could be the byproduct of a plethora of current stressors, but I can't help but feel like I have a mental blockade that I need to overcome. It's probably just the engineer in me talking. Idk.

Maybe I need to relax more.

I have a very long time friend who also has an Engineering background, who "engineered" his own solution. He is very much an out gay man (now), but he married, had 3 daughters sent them thru college, and still to this day (he's in his 80s) is married to his wife and she draws on his pension (he vowed to support her until she died, and she's not dead yet). In the meantime, he came out, and has gone through several long term gay relationships (one decades long), as well as countless lovers/paramours all while still having a long term male partner by his side. You just need to use your imagination and engineering skills to not only find partners that will also accept your terms but in addition to being lucky finding those partners, think outside the box and figure out a solution that works for your specific circumstances.

Should you find a possible candidate that isn't quite fitting your specs/demands/wishes, then that person isn't right for you AT THAT TIME (could be later on, maybe, maybe not). Don't cut them off, stay in contact and remember why you wanted them in your life and see if later on they or you come around to lining up.

It's all about finding that solution. You're an engineer. Use your skillz. Open your mind and heart, and use your imagination. Hopefully w/ a little luck, you'll find that special someone(s) that work for you.

Good luck!

Merry Xmas, Happy New Year, and be grateful for all who are part of your life.

P.S. There are a couple of books you may want to consider. One, out of print is by Matteson & McWhirter (I was lucky enough to meet both of them while they were still alive) called "The Male Couple" that contains anecdotes of many gay couples in various stages of coupledom who have engineered their own solution to the conundrum you are contemplating (the book contains statistical analysis which is kind of dry...I skipped to the stories...it still is to this day my "bible" on gay relationships). The other is my friend's novel that contains a lot from his life entitled A COMPLEMENT OF LOVERS.

 

[markgaveda]

I have a very long time friend who also has an Engineering background, who "engineered" his own solution. He is very much an out gay man (now), but he married, had 3 daughters sent them thru college, and still to this day (he's in his 80s) is married to his wife and she draws on his pension (he vowed to support her until she died, and she's not dead yet). In the meantime, he came out, and has gone through several long term gay relationships (one decades long), as well as countless lovers/paramours all while still having a long term male partner by his side. You just need to use your imagination and engineering skills to not only find partners that will also accept your terms but in addition to being lucky finding those partners, think outside the box and figure out a solution that works for your specific circumstances.

Should you find a possible candidate that isn't quite fitting your specs/demands/wishes, then that person isn't right for you AT THAT TIME (could be later on, maybe, maybe not). Don't cut them off, stay in contact and remember why you wanted them in your life and see if later on they or you come around to lining up.

It's all about finding that solution. You're an engineer. Use your skillz. Open your mind and heart, and use your imagination. Hopefully w/ a little luck, you'll find that special someone(s) that work for you.

Good luck!

Merry Xmas, Happy New Year, and be grateful for all who are part of your life.

P.S. There are a couple of books you may want to consider. One, out of print is by Matteson & McWhirter (I was lucky enough to meet both of them while they were still alive) called "The Male Couple" that contains anecdotes of many gay couples in various stages of coupledom who have engineered their own solution to the conundrum you are contemplating (the book contains statistical analysis which is kind of dry...I skipped to the stories...it still is to this day my "bible" on gay relationships). The other is my friend's novel that contains a lot from his life entitled A COMPLEMENT OF LOVERS.

I think I figured out what I need to improve to "engineer" my way out of this situation (see quoted text below), but I appreciate the advice! It may be of help to someone that's faced with a similar conundrum. Thank you, and thanks for sharing!

The question here is why you feel this way. Is it because you truly want this or is it a reactionary response to your bad experience? There's a difference.

It was a combination of depression and stress, lol. Every time it happens, it completely kills my libido, and it clouds my judgement. I think I've healed enough from my last relationship for that experience to be a factor. I definitely don't feel like it is anymore.