Want to tell my girl that I’m bi

PS6840

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So I’ve been seeing this amazing girl for 3 months and I really want things to start getting serious. I’m going to tell her that I’m bi and I’ve had a relationship with a guy before. I don’t want to carry on with her with secrets, I want to be fully open so I don’t have to feel like I’m hiding anything and also so I make sure the person I’m with fully accepts me.

Does anyone have any advice on how to break the news? Have you had any good experiences of doing this? Have you ever had a girl break up with you because of it.

From other forums people say it’s tough at first… in what way? Do the girls start treating you differently? Did you feel like you had to behave differently- more cuddles/going down on her more etc?
 

halcyondays

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Unless she's telling you about the dating/relationships/sex life she had prior to being with you I wouldn't tell her. Just as her sexuality and prior relationships are not your business yours aren't hers.

It's not about keeping secrets. It's about respecting each others' privacy.

You are under no obligation to divulge anything. Neither is she.

Full disclosure - my bias against coming out comes in part from being ghosted or dropped in the past and in part from respecting the privacy of others.

IMO it shouldn't be a one way street where you're fully open and she's not. Few couples are fully open. Few people are. Everyone has and keeps "secrets" which are just things they want to keep private not to deceive but for whatever their own reasons might be.

However IF it's your requirement that she knows and accepts you as you are by all means tell her. Will you break up with her if she doesn't?
 

PS6840

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Unless she's telling you about the dating/relationships/sex life she had prior to being with you I wouldn't tell her. Just as her sexuality and prior relationships are not your business yours aren't hers.

It's not about keeping secrets. It's about respecting each others' privacy.

You are under no obligation to divulge anything. Neither is she.

Full disclosure - my bias against coming out comes in part from being ghosted or dropped in the past and in part from respecting the privacy of others.

IMO it shouldn't be a one way street where you're fully open and she's not. Few couples are fully open. Few people are. Everyone has and keeps "secrets" which are just things they want to keep private not to deceive but for whatever their own reasons might be.

However IF it's your requirement that she knows and accepts you as you are by all means tell her. Will you break up with her if she doesn't?
Yeah it’s tricky. What if she sees an old photo or someone tells her? It was never a secret and all my family and friends knew I was with a guy.
 
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bbb999000

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I don’t have any advice, I don’t really have proper relationship experience but it’s something that I’ve thought of (and been afraid of?) a lot. So I completely understand your concerns and it makes total sense to me that you’d want to tell her that. Good luck with everything, I’ll keep on checking this thread as I’m curious.
 
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So I’ve been seeing this amazing girl for 3 months and I really want things to start getting serious. I’m going to tell her that I’m bi and I’ve had a relationship with a guy before. I don’t want to carry on with her with secrets, I want to be fully open so I don’t have to feel like I’m hiding anything and also so I make sure the person I’m with fully accepts me.

Does anyone have any advice on how to break the news? Have you had any good experiences of doing this? Have you ever had a girl break up with you because of it.

From other forums people say it’s tough at first… in what way? Do the girls start treating you differently? Did you feel like you had to behave differently- more cuddles/going down on her more etc?
If you're dl, it's probably best to just put that behind you. If you were openly in a relationship with a guy you need to get that out ASAP because she'll find out eventually.
 

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If you're dl, it's probably best to just put that behind you. If you were openly in a relationship with a guy you need to get that out ASAP because she'll find out eventually.
Yup came here to say exactly this.
 

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Would you guys feel comfortable just hiding it? I feel like it’s such an important part of yourself, wouldn’t you rather be with someone that you can be open and honest with?
Yes, I know that your sexuality is yours and you have no obligation; but in such an intimate, close relationship, wouldn’t that feel a little weird? Like there’s still this big wall between you? You’d have to hide a potentially big part of yourself, deflect questions about your experiences, exes etc.
Genuine question, it’s clear how I see it but I’d like to see different points of view.
 
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theplayerking

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So I’ve been seeing this amazing girl for 3 months and I really want things to start getting serious. I’m going to tell her that I’m bi and I’ve had a relationship with a guy before. I don’t want to carry on with her with secrets, I want to be fully open so I don’t have to feel like I’m hiding anything and also so I make sure the person I’m with fully accepts me.

Does anyone have any advice on how to break the news? Have you had any good experiences of doing this? Have you ever had a girl break up with you because of it.

From other forums people say it’s tough at first… in what way? Do the girls start treating you differently? Did you feel like you had to behave differently- more cuddles/going down on her more etc?
Do you anticipate having a monogamous relationship with her and not hooking up with guys anymore? If you want to keep the door open for potential swinging, groups, and other play in the future, it would be better to be upfront now. A lot of women are open to bi play nowadays, but it’s best to let her self-select before things get too advanced.
 
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Do you anticipate having a monogamous relationship with her and not hooking up with guys anymore? If you want to keep the door open for potential swinging, groups, and other play in the future, it would be better to be upfront now. A lot of women are open to bi play nowadays, but it’s best to let her self-select before things get too advanced.
This right here. The elephant in the room: Is it going to happen again? The OP is fortunate in that it's the early stages of the relationship. A lot tougher for the guys married for a decade and feel the urge.
 
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Would you guys feel comfortable just hiding it? I feel like it’s such an important part of yourself, wouldn’t you rather be with someone that you can be open and honest with?
Yes, I know that your sexuality is yours and you have no obligation; but in such an intimate, close relationship, wouldn’t that feel a little weird? Like there’s still this big wall between you? You’d have to hide a potentially big part of yourself, deflect questions about your experiences, exes etc.
Genuine question, it’s clear how I see it but I’d like to see different points of view.
That's an admirable way of looking at it. If she is accepting, it could be really cool for her to know this if you go long term. It just comes down to what you think is important and what you think may result.
 
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PS6840

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Thanks everyone. I want a fully committed monogamous relationship. I feel like my life experiences are different to those married men who have urges later in life. I’ve been honest with myself from the start and experienced everything I wanted to hundreds of times. I feel completely ready for a committed monogamous relationship.

I agree that girls are definitely becoming more accepting of bi guys- feels like there’s still a long way to go.

I haven’t said anything yet. I’m still not sure what I’m going to say or how to say it. Really not sure what the result will be but I’ll keep the post updated.
 

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Unless she's telling you about the dating/relationships/sex life she had prior to being with you I wouldn't tell her. Just as her sexuality and prior relationships are not your business yours aren't hers.

It's not about keeping secrets. It's about respecting each others' privacy.

You are under no obligation to divulge anything. Neither is she.

Full disclosure - my bias against coming out comes in part from being ghosted or dropped in the past and in part from respecting the privacy of others.

IMO it shouldn't be a one way street where you're fully open and she's not. Few couples are fully open. Few people are. Everyone has and keeps "secrets" which are just things they want to keep private not to deceive but for whatever their own reasons might be.

However IF it's your requirement that she knows and accepts you as you are by all means tell her. Will you break up with her if she doesn't?
I'm not that bi, i'm a mostly gay guy, but this attitude really sparks my curiosity. While I definitely understand not going into details about past relationships with your present partner as that can be awkward, not telling your partner your sexuality sounds extremely isolating. How can you feel close with this person, trust them and feel intimate with them if you're hiding that from them? I feel like you'd have to be a grand master at compartmentalization to not have that tear apart your insides in a relationship. At that point they might as well be a stranger to you, like not even a friend.

I was never good at compartmentalization though. all my feelings and thoughts about who I am always bleed together and color outside the lines. I think it comes more naturally to others.
 
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So I’ve been seeing this amazing girl for 3 months and I really want things to start getting serious. I’m going to tell her that I’m bi and I’ve had a relationship with a guy before. I don’t want to carry on with her with secrets, I want to be fully open so I don’t have to feel like I’m hiding anything and also so I make sure the person I’m with fully accepts me.

Does anyone have any advice on how to break the news? Have you had any good experiences of doing this? Have you ever had a girl break up with you because of it.

From other forums people say it’s tough at first… in what way? Do the girls start treating you differently? Did you feel like you had to behave differently- more cuddles/going down on her more etc?
In order for good advice to be given, you need to supply some important details you have omitted. Do you intend to keep a relationship with her exclusive for the time you are together? Are you willing to never engage in other heterosexual sex or homosexual sex if the relationship progresses to the point of a lifetime commitment? From what you know of her sensibilities now, would she care? Why is it important to her that she knows your past bisexuality if you intend for it to not be your future?
 

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This right here. The elephant in the room: Is it going to happen again? The OP is fortunate in that it's the early stages of the relationship. A lot tougher for the guys married for a decade and feel the urge.
I want to underscore these comments. Her first question will be, "Are you still attracted to men?" What's the answer? "Yes" and see how she reacts. "Maybe", which is your worst option. "No" and see if she believes you. Regarding her "finding out"? Any friend or family member that would divulge such a personal thing to her ("Oh, I'm so glad he's finally met a nice girl. I was worried when he was dating that guy.") would be blackballed from my life; I can't imagine anyone doing that.
 

halcyondays

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I'm not that bi, i'm a mostly gay guy, but this attitude really sparks my curiosity. While I definitely understand not going into details about past relationships with your present partner as that can be awkward, not telling your partner your sexuality sounds extremely isolating. How can you feel close with this person, trust them and feel intimate with them if you're hiding that from them? I feel like you'd have to be a grand master at compartmentalization to not have that tear apart your insides in a relationship. At that point they might as well be a stranger to you, like not even a friend.

I was never good at compartmentalization though. all my feelings and thoughts about who I am always bleed together and color outside the lines. I think it comes more naturally to others.

By your standard you would have to know yourself perfectly, share everything from your entire life and have no secrets whatsoever just to be a friend. That high standard sounds extremely isolating to me. Idealistic but naive.

I'm not perfect so I don't expect others to be perfect.

It's the difference between conditional and unconditional love. Can I love someone without knowing everything about them? You bet I can and deeply so. Can I love someone knowing they might violate my trust or I theirs? Every day. Can I live with the uncertainty? Yes. To me it's the very definition of love.

Living with uncertainty is the path of life. Demanding certainty is the path of death.

The only love you'll find in a relationship is the love you bring. It doesn't come from anywhere outside you. Same is true of any partner. The only love they will find with you is the love they bring however perfect and imperfect it may be.

If it's a condition of yours that a partner knows and labels their sexuality so be it. It's not a condition of mine. :)
 
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By your standard you would have to know yourself perfectly, share everything from your entire life and have no secrets whatsoever just to be a friend. That high standard sounds extremely isolating to me. Idealistic but naive.
thanks for your post and sharing how you feel, but I think this particular statement is a bit unfair and exaggerated based on what I wrote. I never meant that you can't keep anything private to yourself. There's plenty that I keep private. I was specifically referring to not sharing your sexuality with your sexual partner. This is a more specific issue. Since sexual intimacy is what you share with one another, how can that intimacy be established if you're not honest about your sexuality?

But you have answered that you can establish that intimacy anyway. I suppose it could be a difference in temperament. I also think it may be more common in heterosexual relationships too to not understand everything about each other sexually. As someone who's had strictly homosexual relationships (or at least for the past fifteen years or so), I've never had to experience that.

Like I remember one of my straight friends opening up to me about how he was living in a small trailer with his girlfriend and he was terrified that she would catch him masturbating which would "devastate" him. They had been together for five years at this point. It absolutely baffled and confused me that his girlfriend of five years had never seen him masturbate and that it would hurt him so if he was caught. I would assume his girlfriend would be the person he'd be most comfortable with to catch him masturbating. I wound up asking more straight people about this issue and it was way more common than I ever could have imagined.

Just speaking for myself, I don't understand what the point would be of even having a sexual relationship with someone if you're not comfortable with them sexually. I thought finding someone who you're comfortable with sexually is the point of having a partner in the first place. But it's clear that I have my own preferences and definitions of comfort that others may not share. However, I don't think that's a naively high standard at all, I think it's perfectly reasonable, even if it's not for everyone.
 
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thanks for your post and sharing how you feel, but I think this particular statement is a bit unfair and exaggerated based on what I wrote. I never meant that you can't keep anything private to yourself. There's plenty that I keep private. I was specifically referring to not sharing your sexuality with your sexual partner. This is a more specific issue. Since sexual intimacy is what you share with one another, how can that intimacy be established if you're not honest about your sexuality?

But you have answered that you can establish that intimacy anyway. I suppose it could be a difference in temperament. I also think it may be more common in heterosexual relationships too to not understand everything about each other sexually. As someone who's had strictly homosexual relationships (or at least for the past fifteen years or so), I've never had to experience that.

Like I remember one of my straight friends opening up to me about how he was living in a small trailer with his girlfriend and he was terrified that she would catch him masturbating which would "devastate" him. They had been together for five years at this point. It absolutely baffled and confused me that his girlfriend of five years had never seen him masturbate and that it would hurt him so if he was caught. I would assume his girlfriend would be the person he'd be most comfortable with to catch him masturbating. I wound up asking more straight people about this issue and it was way more common than I ever could have imagined.

Just speaking for myself, I don't understand what the point would be of even having a sexual relationship with someone if you're not comfortable with them sexually. I thought finding someone who you're comfortable with sexually is the point of having a partner in the first place. But it's clear that I have my own preferences and definitions of comfort that others may not share. However, I don't think that's a naively high standard at all, I think it's perfectly reasonable, even if it's not for everyone.
Your post is thoughtful and genuine, which is refreshing. Mostly, you've answered your own questions by understanding that people have different sensibilities regarding intimacy and what constitutes it. Some of us believe it is a mistake to equate complete honesty regarding your past predilections with current or future sexual compatibility and partnership. I would add, it is the wise man who leaves out what doesn't matter.