Wanting/Not Wanting Children: Is it a dealbreaker for you?

D_Dick_S_Lapp

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I wonder if men had to go through pregnancy and take care of the kids like the women do if they would be so determined to have kids.... :wink: "You want kids? Okay. I'm going to go away for the weekend. Take care of these babies and toddlers all by yourself, then we'll see how bad you want them afterwards. See ya Monday."

I bet you six dollars they would lol. I'm sure even with the pain and frustration, fear and pain: and also pain that there are guys out there that would love to. I'm not even talking about gay male couples either. :p
 

hud01

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You're going to need to be a little more specific than that, hud. Are you referring to my main question (thread title question) but quoting my rephrased question? haha.

I've come across guys who aren't so "set" on having kids and say it would just depend on what the girl wants, because after all, "it's her who is going to be pregnant and doing the majority of the work" and such. I think many guys aren't as decided as women when it comes to the children decision because it doesn't affect them at the same level or in same way.

I wonder if men had to go through pregnancy and take care of the kids like the women do if they would be so determined to have kids.... :wink: "You want kids? Okay. I'm going to go away for the weekend. Take care of these babies and toddlers all by yourself, then we'll see how bad you want them afterwards. See ya Monday."
You are talking about boys, not men and not married men. Most men I know have equal if not more responsibilities with the children. I know of at least two men who are home as house husbands while their wives work at my company. and yes in both instanses there are kids.
 
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It would have to be a truly remarkable woman who could get me to give up on wanting to have kids of my own.
This.

I'd love kids and think it'd prolly be a deal breaker if they didnt, altho - when I really love someone I tend to want to just go for it, so if they couldnt/wouldnt for whatever reason, I may be persuaded to do without.
 

twoton

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I don't remember specifically discussing this with my wife before we were married. I guess it was just assumed that we both did want kids. I think people who don't want kids tend to me more up front about it, like you have to tell people you don't want them because wanting kids is the default.

I was involved in a serious relationship with a woman who told me she was unable to have children. At the time I didn't think much about it. After we broke up I realized how important it would have been to me if we had stayed together.

Now, being married with children, I would've been very unfulfilled without.
 

MickeyLee

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^^^ personal true facts.

my girl parts are strictly recreational.
:yup:

eta: i read the comments to Ms. Giggle's clickie*
i really didn't think that kinda hatred toward non-mommy womangs was still lingering.
:frown:
 
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The Dragon

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Being peri-menopausal I think it would be the height of stupidity to contemplate having a child this late in life.
The risks are too great.
 

NotSoDumb_Blonde

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Interesting post Giggles! And, ha, on the "I know at least two men that stay home with their kids" ...does anyone else see the double standard? Some of us know a few men who stay home, sure, but why do we even note that? Because it's not the standard.

Now, I'm all for equal rights, equal means if you look it up (like I did):
1.as great as; the same as (often followed by to or with ): The velocity of sound is not equal to that of light.
2.like or alike in quantity, degree, value, etc.; of the same rank, ability, merit, etc.: two students of equal brilliance.
3.evenly proportioned or balanced: an equal contest.
4.uniform in operation or effect: equal laws.
5.adequate or sufficient in quantity or degree: The supply is equal to the demand.

Now, when raising kids is equal, wow, what a difference! Children are an investment, in time, money, love, nurturing, and patience. Being a parent is not 'a woman's role' neither is it a man's; it's a parent's role no matter your sex.

On to my opinion. Is not wanting kids a deal breaker? Or wanting kids a deal breaker? Well, if someone wanted me to have a child, it would be. I'm simply not going down that road at this point in my life. I'd date someone with children, no problem. But I'd not want to have any. I might consider adoption -- I would love to have a foster home. But have a child? Not at this point, so if someone couldn't get around that, it'd be good to know and discuss it. Like jol, I can also be persuaded to meet someone half way, too, so I dunno....I do think having kids is the default when you reach that 'marriage' or 'forever after' point so being up front is essential.

I don't think I helped at all, Giggles! :)
 

nudeyorker

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Usually people who have deal breakers are deal breakers for me. My first partner and I had a conversation many years ago and discussed adopting and I was more pro and he was more con we talked it over and had many sleepless nights discussing the consideration of how it would impact our lives. We came to a mutual decision that while we would likely be good parents that it was perhaps for the best if we chose not to. I was somewhat wistful because I felt I made the concession. As it turned out he died a year later and I would have been a single parent grieving and working in a high profile job that left little time for personal problems much less raising a child.

The issue was reopened when my now spouse brought this up early in our relationship and we again spent many hours and sleepless nights discussing it. This time I was the one who was less enthusiastic about it and my other half felt he compromised in the decision not to adopt or procreate via a surrogate. Subsequently we bought a home and have a place where raising children would be realistic with good schools in a safe neighborhood but we we both know now that the window of opportunity is closed and we have no regrets because we talked it out and came to a mutual decision. It dawned on me while writing this that if I had become a parent the first time around I would not have traveled the road to find myself where I am today.
I think everyone needs to really examine why they want children or don't want them and really think about what the next 20 years with or without them will really mean and what they are willing to contribute or compromise in order to be a good parent or a non-parent with no regrets.
So if I thought the decision was a deal breaker in both instances I would have missed the opportunity of having two extraordinary relationships.
 

B_bi_mmf

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My wife and I got married when we were quite young, and children were not at the forefront of our thoughts and conversation.

I think that my wife always assumed that we would one day have children. I was not so sure about it. Ten years into our marriage, she started talking about trying to get pregnant. I was still less than sold on the idea. But a couple of years later, she and I were both established professionally, and finally the time seemed right for me.

Parenting turned out to be a wonderfully satisfying experience for both of us. But both of us look back and agree that we could also have been very fulfilled without kids as well. It would have just been a different path.

We also were very fortunate in having had two sons who are incredibly kind, loving, and talented individuals. While we undoubtedly played some small role in helping them go in those positive directions, we mostly just feel privileged to have been able to witness their development at close range.

Our sons were always best friends growing up together, and that has continued into adulthood. There were of course some challenges along the way, but they both made it very easy for us to give them the unconditional love and support that all children deserve.

It has been very important to us to set good examples for them as adults who love our lives and our adult relationships and who do not look to our children to provide the meaning and happiness in our lives. That would be a burden that developing young people just do not need.

If I had not eventually come around on the issue of having children, that could well have been a deal-breaker between my wife and me. Thankfully, I did come around, and as a result, I have had decades of great happiness with my wife, and I enjoy wonderful close relationships with my awe-inspiring sons.
 
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I've sat here re-writing this post several times, because even writing about it makes me defensive/angry/cry. It's kind of ramble-y/long winded, because I feel it needs a fair amount of explanation to get my point across.

5 years ago this summer I gave birth to a wee baby boy. It was not a planned pregnancy. I was in a horrid relationship with an abusive piece of shit. Yes, we used condoms. No, I wasn't on the pill. Yes, I had an equal share of the blame. I was 18 and terrified. I had been homeless/moving around a lot. For a few months I didn't even want to acknowledge the thought that I could be pregnant. I just wanted it to be a bad reaction to high stress/anxiety. By the time I was willing to admit to myself I was pregnant, went and got checked, it was... later than I would've been comfortable with for an abortion.

When I was about halfway through the pregnancy, I started looking into placing my unborn child for adoption. As someone who was adopted when I was half a year old, the concept wasn't foreign to me. However, I keenly felt the lack of being able to get to know my biological family when I was growing up. I ended up working with an agency that did open adoptions. The last few months of my pregnancy I spent a few days a week with the couple I had chosen. They were there when my child was born. Shortly after my son was born, I got the guts to leave my ex.

I'm not sure that I ever actually will have a child that I raise as my own.

I think part of why I want to have a child that I take care of/raise myself, is because I feel like I screwed up so horribly in the past. I had family on both sides yelling at me about how I was such a fuck up. Some were horrified that I could ever give away my baby. Others were saying I was a slut. And others still were screaming that I would ruin my life if I kept my child.

I've finally gotten to the point where I'm fairly comfortable saying I made the right choice for my son. It hurts if people say I gave my child away. It hurts when people say things like "Oh, you did what was best". No matter the intent, or how they say it, it always comes off as condescending bullshit to me. I will never know if I will have felt better if I had gotten an abortion. I will never know if I could have been one of those strong individuals that raised a child by myself when I was 18. I do know it's a good thing I didn't have my son in a situation where he was raised by my ex...

I cried myself to sleep for months after my son was placed with his adoptive parents. I have an open contract and relationship with them. I can see him and them, whenever our schedules/life allow. I've effectively fallen off the face of the planet twice, for about a year each time, because it's too painful for me to see him.

I may never have a kid with another person, whether the child is adopted or whether they're biologically mine. That's fine. But it's my choice. To feel like someone is taking away a choice that is so important to me, isn't going to fly for a long term/marriage/whatever relationship. I hopefully will never be the type of individual to try and pressure someone into having a child. I can easily say in my present state of mind/life situation that I wouldn't. I'll see what the future holds.
 

nudeyorker

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Fade you made the right choice for yourself and for your child. I can't say that someday you will be a good parent because you have already proven that you are. If the opportunity to parent presents itself again you can use the past as a guide.
 

NotSoDumb_Blonde

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I've sat here re-writing this post several times, because even writing about it makes me defensive/angry/cry. It's kind of ramble-y/long winded, because I feel it needs a fair amount of explanation to get my point across.

5 years ago this summer I gave birth to a wee baby boy. It was not a planned pregnancy. I was in a horrid relationship with an abusive piece of shit. Yes, we used condoms. No, I wasn't on the pill. Yes, I had an equal share of the blame. I was 18 and terrified. I had been homeless/moving around a lot. For a few months I didn't even want to acknowledge the thought that I could be pregnant. I just wanted it to be a bad reaction to high stress/anxiety. By the time I was willing to admit to myself I was pregnant, went and got checked, it was... later than I would've been comfortable with for an abortion.

When I was about halfway through the pregnancy, I started looking into placing my unborn child for adoption. As someone who was adopted when I was half a year old, the concept wasn't foreign to me. However, I keenly felt the lack of being able to get to know my biological family when I was growing up. I ended up working with an agency that did open adoptions. The last few months of my pregnancy I spent a few days a week with the couple I had chosen. They were there when my child was born. Shortly after my son was born, I got the guts to leave my ex.

I'm not sure that I ever actually will have a child that I raise as my own.

I think part of why I want to have a child that I take care of/raise myself, is because I feel like I screwed up so horribly in the past. I had family on both sides yelling at me about how I was such a fuck up. Some were horrified that I could ever give away my baby. Others were saying I was a slut. And others still were screaming that I would ruin my life if I kept my child.

I've finally gotten to the point where I'm fairly comfortable saying I made the right choice for my son. It hurts if people say I gave my child away. It hurts when people say things like "Oh, you did what was best". No matter the intent, or how they say it, it always comes off as condescending bullshit to me. I will never know if I will have felt better if I had gotten an abortion. I will never know if I could have been one of those strong individuals that raised a child by myself when I was 18. I do know it's a good thing I didn't have my son in a situation where he was raised by my ex...

I cried myself to sleep for months after my son was placed with his adoptive parents. I have an open contract and relationship with them. I can see him and them, whenever our schedules/life allow. I've effectively fallen off the face of the planet twice, for about a year each time, because it's too painful for me to see him.

I may never have a kid with another person, whether the child is adopted or whether they're biologically mine. That's fine. But it's my choice. To feel like someone is taking away a choice that is so important to me, isn't going to fly for a long term/marriage/whatever relationship. I hopefully will never be the type of individual to try and pressure someone into having a child. I can easily say in my present state of mind/life situation that I wouldn't. I'll see what the future holds.

Fade -- first and foremost, you are so very brave to post your struggle here. ((((HUGS)))) I don't think you this or that, I simply feel we make choices in life, and those choices are one's only we can make. ((((hugs))))

I think nudeyorker said it best, >>> It dawned on me while writing this that if I had become a parent the first time around I would not have traveled the road to find myself where I am today.
I think everyone needs to really examine why they want children or don't want them and really think about what the next 20 years with or without them will really mean and what they are willing to contribute or compromise in order to be a good parent or a non-parent with no regrets.
So if I thought the decision was a deal breaker in both instances I would have missed the opportunity of having two extraordinary relationships.
<<<

Nothing should be a deal breaker. Relationships are about communicating. I think when I thought about the question, I was thinking, 'would I date someone who wanted children when I knew I did not." And that's not what was asked. We have to cross our bridges one at a time, rather than plan ahead sometimes.
 

EllieP

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Oh, Fade, hugs, Darling.

I had a baby at 18 but it's the one thing I had been wanting since I was a little girl. I just wanted to be a mom and I was married to my best friend in high school. What a wonderful life!. My daughter was born and she was beautiful. Still is.

My best friend turned into my best enemy. It was over a year before we had sex again. Well over a year for me. Found he was was getting it pretty regularly, but couldn't bear to touch pregnant me.

I got brave enough to become a single mom, but I had a great support network.

Then I up and left it all to find my own way 1,000 miles from Mum & Dad.

Then I met this guy that I didn't plan to meet. I was in my late 20s and he was in his mid 30s. Then wow happened. Then reality happened, and I asked him if he wanted children.

That was a hard question to ask, too, because even though I was under 30 I don't think I was mentally capable to have another child. I held my breath waiting for his answer.

Bottom line, he told me, is that he's not father material. Then whew happened.

However, he was dead wrong. He's the best father my daughter ever had.
 

Infernal

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Fade - you've made a brave and difficult choice, and I comment you for it.

I've always wanted children, but I realize now that the time has passed. I'm 42 now and my partner is 51. He has 3 children from his marriage and 2 grandchildren. He has no interest in going through the process of raising a child again. Even though his children are all adults in their 20's, they all consider me a step-father and have always treated me with respect and love.

It isn't the same as having one of my own, but I'm not getting any younger and this is the closest thing I will have. It satisfies the need in me to be a parent.
 

BoxersMan

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I have always wanted a kid, I think mostly because my father did not have much of a relationship with me throughout my life. I was always jealous of my friends who went and did things with their dad when my dad never did anything like that with me. Sometimes I would just love when my friend would invite me over and we got to go do something with his dad.

So, I have always wanted a son. If I had a daughter, I would be so confused and bad at it, lol.

Also, my sister just recently had a son and when I was at their home hearing him cry at 3 in the morning, I selfishly thought to myself that I would much prefer missing the newborn stage so I wouldn't have to get up every few hours. :-[
 

B_subgirrl

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Fade, you have more courage than I will ever have in my entire life. I know that adoption is not a choice I would ever have had the courage to make.

I've always wanted children. So up until a few years ago, him not wanting kids would have definitely been a deal breaker for me. But as I got older, I started to realise that time was beginning to run out, and it was much more likely that I would end up being a crazy cat lady than a mum.

I eventually came to terms with the idea that I might never have children. I think I feel much more relaxed having come to terms with it. There's no longer the extreme pressure I was putting on myself to do something before it's too late.

If I became pregnant now, I would see it as a wonderful (if terrifying!) thing. But if I never have kids, that's okay too.