Wanting/Not Wanting Children: Is it a dealbreaker for you?

Mercurygirl

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I personally don't want children till I'm at least 30. If a guy insisted on us having them before then I'm afraid the relationship would be doomed. This is how I feel now, obviously things could change, but as it stands, yes, it could well be a deal breaker.
 

MissThing

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I have never wanted to be a parent and it's pretty safe to say now that I never will. I'm selfish and I know it and there isn't anything wrong with that. I just hate when people insist that I'll change my mind someday, as if everyone wants kids & should have them. There are too many people who shouldn't have and given different circumstances may not have had kids. I told my man that I wasn't going to be a parent, period right from the start because I wanted no misunderstanding. That way he had an opportunity to get out right there if he did want kids someday.
 
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SyddyKitty

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I wouldn't say simply expressing the 'want' is a deal breaker. Especially since this 'want' isn't something that could very easily be taken action on behind my back for a long period of time.

In short, for me, it's more like this. If my partner wants to raise a child with me they have to know how I currently view the idea of having a child. I would treat them as a cold experiment (I don't believe I could love them as I do a pet or my art...). I would experiment with their overall development both mentally and physically. I would be strict about adherence to guidelines I set up, despite being "raised" almost the complete opposite way. Essentially, they'd be extensions of me without any freedoms. About the only thing I couldn't consider is physically harming them.

Can my partner live with knowing that about me? That's more on point. I'm a rather horrible person when it comes to the idea of raising a child. Don't even get me started on the COST. I wouldn't even want to entertain the idea of raising a child unless I was already of upper-middle class status AT LEAST. Currently, the only reason I could see for WANTING children is to hope someone is there when my partner and I are too old to care for ourselves (which is a disconcerting thought for me as it is). I'm already in a position wherein I sometimes have to play the role of caregiver for a family member. As much as I love this person, I wouldn't wish putting this role on anyone.

Maybe it's all just a 'current' reflection of my life's overall lack of structure, though. Subject to change, possibly.
 
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Fnord

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Nice discussion! For what it's worth my girlfriend and I had a conversation about this VERY early in our relationship since we both felt strongly about the subject. Luckily we both wanted to have children and luckier still we do indeed have a son and daughter. Eventually we got divorced, but that was not because of the children debate. Many friends of ours said we were crazy to be even discussing the idea of children (at the time it was trendy to NOT get married and just live together without even considering life with children). The funny thing is that ALL of them ended up having children after all. I often felt like going over to them and saying nah-nah na-na-nah! :)
 
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I've sat here re-writing this post several times, because even writing about it makes me defensive/angry/cry. It's kind of ramble-y/long winded, because I feel it needs a fair amount of explanation to get my point across.

I'm not sure that I ever actually will have a child that I raise as my own.

I think part of why I want to have a child that I take care of/raise myself, is because I feel like I screwed up so horribly in the past.
Aww. :frown1:

Don't give up hope just yet - you're very young, and knowing you fairly well on here, I think you'd make a pretty great Mum, especially with all you've been through and the growing you've had to do.

Don't think you screwed up btw - tough situation that you seem to have dealt with sensibly and well. :)
 

D_Sal_Manilla

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I'm 18 now so wanting kids is deal breaker for me. I'm too young but i know that once I'm out of university and have established myself in the worlds, then maybe i would want kids.
 

willow78

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I have never wanted children. I first realised it when I was young, so I thought that I may feel differently when I was older. But I'm now in my 30s and spending time with my nieces and nephew has confirmed to me that the desire/instinct/urge/interest to parent simply isn't there. I just don't feel it.

So yes, a partner wanting children would definitely be a deal-breaker for me. That may sound selfish and extreme, but I see it as a no-win situation in the end because:

*if we don't have children, it's not fair on my partner because I'd be stopping him from something that I know he would really want and love. He could end up resenting me for it, which would make the relationship absolutely toxic.

*if we do have children, it's not fair on the child because he/she would grow up with a parent that doesn't really love them. I mean, I wouldn't deliberately hurt the child in any way - I would do all I can to make them feel loved, but I truly believe children can tell when they are not really wanted. I think the worst thing you can give a child is a parent who doesn't love them. No matter how much real love my partner could give them, my 'fake love' would screw them up.

Maybe I've over-thought things a little, but either way I'd end up hurting someone that I didn't want to hurt. So if he really wants children, it's going to be a deal-breaker.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

P.S. :grouphug: for Fade.
 

hud01

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Interesting post Giggles! And, ha, on the "I know at least two men that stay home with their kids" ...does anyone else see the double standard? Some of us know a few men who stay home, sure, but why do we even note that? Because it's not the standard.

Yes it is not the standard. Actually now the standard is both parents work, so having a house husband is very unusual. The reason I brought it up was because of the OP's comment about women taking care of the kids and women going off for the weekend leaving the men behind with the kids and that after that men would not want them. Where I am, it is a joint effort.

I wonder if men had to go through pregnancy and take care of the kids like the women do if they would be so determined to have kids.... "You want kids? Okay. I'm going to go away for the weekend. Take care of these babies and toddlers all by yourself, then we'll see how bad you want them afterwards. See ya Monday."
 

Mumzi

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You're right. But one doesn't have to give birth to children to parent them. My BIL does some work with couples who have trouble getting pregnant and sometimes there isn't an answer.
But adoption is. We've both known couples who adopted and the love is just as strong, the bond just as amazing.
No child knows who birthed them. But they all feel that amazing atachment to that someone who is there for them to check the closet for monsters, who picks them up when scared and kisses their boo boos.
Who answers the same question 100 times.....then does it all over again the next day. :)




i have wanted kids since i could remember. For me there is no greater role for a woman than being a wife and mother.
 

Mumzi

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My husband didn't want kids. He didn't want to be married either. I didn't know any of that at the time.
He proposed 5 weeks after we met. Our first child was a bit of a surprise. Then he was thrilled and announced he wanted 4.
I think he wanted twins the first time because he is a twin. So second child was conceived very quickly.
Then we were both exhausted and thought we might wait a few years. By the time the girls were three we were beginning to have some free time and beginning again with babies was less attractive. So we just have 2.

I don't think I ever brought up kids to him. I don't think I thought about. But I assumed that one day I'd have kids.
We had such a strong attraction right off that I don't think much would have stopped us from getting married.
But...I think if you'd have asked us both (before we met) about children, he would have said he didn't want to date someone who wanted a family and I would have said I didn't want to date someone who didn't want a family.
Oh well...
 

bi_guy315

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For me personally it is; it was one of the factors that caused the break up of a 14 year relationship, which I'm totally okay with, and it's one of the reasons I've stopped dating. I've known in my heart and soul since high school (I'm 38 as of this month) that I have absolutely no desire to be a father. It's just not in me. I'm planning on getting a vasectomy (in the hopes I might date someone at some point), but it is a huge deal breaker for me. If she wants children, great, awesome, I hope she finds the right person to share that with. It just won't be me.
 

mas2304

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Wanting kids is a deal breaker for me, luckily my wife feels the same way, I am from a large family the 2nd eldest of 7 so right up until I left home there was alway a crying baby in the house, we did dicuss it and agreed to leave it for a few years after we were married, we left it 10 years before we talked about it again, and if at that point my wife wanted kids then we would have split up, but after 10 years of just pleasing ourselves, 2 good holidays a year, a good job each and enjoying life, there was no way we where going to give all that up to look after kids - but what really makes us mad is the sanctimonious crap we get from parents & the church all about the "universal love" we are all supposed to have towards all children, - yes I understand they are your little darlings and you would do anything for them, but please do not expect the same from me ( I don't inflict my dogs on you, which are generally much better behaved and cuter than your kid, and house trained!)
 

FuzzyKen

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There was a time dating back to my High School and College Years that I was intolerant of even the idea of having or raising children. I did not want them because as a man who was gay I had been led to believe that I was not qualified for the job. Consider that I am now headed for 60 years old. It was a different time and a different place.

Via a number of very unfortunate circumstances my life-partner and I ended up taking in a male relative who had unwittingly been driven nearly to the breaking point by a family life so dysfunctional as to amaze the therapists who later treated him. When we got him and realized the level of damage he was taken to a psychotherapist who diagnosed the worst case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder since he had worked treating Viet Nam veterans. Through this man we started to see great change.

I was fortunate in that a part of my formal education had involved enough Psych classes to sink a ship. Coming from a medical family gave me additional resources.

Getting him out of a terrible situation began his road to recovery. The family unfortunately is one where the problems in the years since he moved in with us have become worse instead of better.

One of the things discovered in therapy was that he really never did have what most of us would recognize as parenting. As time progressed, our charge and the other two found psychiatric care necessary. For ours it was therapy, and for the other two it is continuing therapy and lots of pharmaceuticals. Ours has come a very long way and has asked me to legally adopt him. He wants to change his name simply because he wants to walk away from any association with the parents he now blames for his own damage.

At the same time, here I am a guy in his 50's who didn't set out to be a parent. I am now called "Dad" and he refers to his biological Father and Mother by their names not their their relationship to him. He has told others that I deserve this because unlike those that donated some sperm and an egg, I "earned" the title.

I have seen him through thick and thin and I now realize that my doubts about my own ability were completely unfounded. In July, he will be 25 years old. At age 23 he was diagnosed with cancer. I was the one there through an ordeal of many months and when he came out of the surgery and it has been I who was the one who was there to pick up the pieces when things went horribly wrong. As he has been doing the repairs to his own life caused by years in a bad situation, I have been at his side learning with him.

At no time has this been easy. We were hit really hard in the Real Estate crash and it will be a few more years before we recover from that disaster. When he came into our lives, I did not have the option of making a decision based on finance. That would have been a really great luxury. We had to find a way in which we could "make it work" simply because the casualty would have been him if we had not done so.

I have grown to have great respect for my own parents. While they had their flaws and strengths in what they tried to do, their flaws were based on their life experience just as my own life experience has contributed to my own in my attempt at this.

I think that the only difference I see is that instead of giving any kind of "order" to my kid I instead ask to hear his side of an issue and try and find out why he feels the way that he does. I also take the approach that we can learn new things together. So, here I am now approaching my 60th Birthday and I can legitimately say that I am a parent and I have been through more than many and so far with better than average results.

Not surprisingly, my biggest critics have been the same individuals who created the dysfunctional household in the first place and caused all of their offspring to need psychiatric care to begin with.

Sometimes we are taught lessons about ourselves when we least expect it and in ways we never would have thought possible. I have many experiences I could share that will stick with me for the rest of my life. I may not have done the biological part of his creation, but I can definitely state that I have been the one who took something that was very broken and have placed it on the road to greatness.

For those out there that think they cannot be parents the main thing to do is to analyze the reasons you feel this way and make certain that they are valid for both yourself and a possible child. For those that are gay and have been led to believe that they can't be a good parent I have news for you on that one. Having met many kids raised by gay parents I can vouch for the fact that we do just as well as any one. The other thing is the fact that there are many young gay people out there both male and female who need love, guidance and understanding from an individual who can in fact help and enrich their lives. When homosexuality is discovered in a young teen it is often a death sentence with regards to adoption. You can make a difference.
 

Hoss

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I realize this is moreso a hypothetical question, as many won't know what their decision is until they are faced with it.... But is a significant other's desire to not have children (or even to have children when you don't want any yourself) a dealbreaker for you and your relationship with them? Has anyone ever actually personally faced this situation?

When younger I didn't care 1 way or the other. At this time of life if I met a person that wanted to have children I'd make clear that is not where I am at. They could either accept it or move on.
 

B_625girth

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never had to face that cause I knew that with the right person I wanted to have children, and I never dated a gal that indicated she did not want children. in fact, I had a few tell me they wanted my babies.
 
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You're right. But one doesn't have to give birth to children to parent them. My BIL does some work with couples who have trouble getting pregnant and sometimes there isn't an answer.
But adoption is. We've both known couples who adopted and the love is just as strong, the bond just as amazing.
No child knows who birthed them. But they all feel that amazing atachment to that someone who is there for them to check the closet for monsters, who picks them up when scared and kisses their boo boos.
Who answers the same question 100 times.....then does it all over again the next day. :)

Your post starts out great and all, but...

"No child knows who birthed them" isn't true. I was in a closed adoption and I still knew details about my biological parents, in spite of being on a completely different continent from them.

In the open adoption I did with my son, the adoptive parents call me his other mom. I've been involved with his life since I was pregnant/since he was born.
 

D_Ebensneezer_Spooge

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I agree with giggles but I think more people get married for that reason (societal pressure) than have kids for that reason. I think kids would make me happier than being married would ( in the long run) but thats just me. :) But so many people have kids with the wrong person and the kids suffer so if its not with the right guy then its so not happening.