Warring With Your Squeeze

[midlifebear]

Ok, so all I said was, "Sugar booger, my reason to live, my slice of lemon pie --- could you please turn off both the cold and hot water after you take a shower as well as the shower faucet. It's not like I'm pissed that he uses my clear stick deodorant. I got over that long ago. And the fact that he forgets where his own toothbrush is and uses mine, thinking I won't notice, is such old news that I just keep a supply of a dozen unopened new toothbrushes always keeping them out and available. You should throw toothbrushes out every 5 or 6 months anyway.

But I was tired of getting up early in the morning, climbing into the shower, adjusting the hot and cold water only to discover they were already open and I was going to get hit with a bracing rush of water that had been hiding in the cold pipes over night just for me. Not fun. And did I mention that I asked real nice and included some heavy wet lovin' with my request?

The Squeeze is now annoyed with me . . . ME! . . . his favorite sex toy!

I've had to create marks on the bidet faucets with a Sharpee so I can see they are set properly when I sit down and open the main faucet. This assure the lukewarm water doesn't suddenly turn scalding hot as it squirts my butt hole clean because The Squeeze decided to mess with them (and me). That'll get you moving fast, trust me. I have to open the fridge door so slowly that open unbalanced containers of red wine, tomato sauce, and squid ink don't tumble onto the white marble kitchen floor. The toilet paper sculpture (I buy in extra large bulk and arrange the huge bales of toilet paper into various structure, just like building blocks, on the lid of the toilet tank . . . well, they're all gone! The Squeeze has moved them to some cupboard somewhere I can't find them.

What did I do that was so wrong?

We never fight, get angry and yell at one another, or play the passive/aggressive thing. Instead, he just sets me up for minor catastrophes.

Suggestions? :banghead2:

 

[NCbear]

Communication. Sit the man down and tell him what you've said here.

NCbear (who knows that "I feel like you are doing x; is that your true intention?" can sound much less accusatory than "You do x, and I hate it!" :biggrin1: -- oh, and remember there are at least two sides to every story of "I like it this way" in a relationship; you may want to ask him what you do that ticks him off that you need to consider changing)

 

[Drifterwood]

Carrot and stick.

Or an approximation

 

[Bbucko]

Having a distinct preference for Latinos myself, I'd say this is most definitely his own (kinda strange) way of stirring the pot. You show me a Latin who's not addicted to drama and I'll show you one on massive Benzos and a Thorazine chaser :wink:

In contrast to your saying that The Squeeze does not do the passive-aggressive thing, that's precisely what it sounds like to me. You can:

1) Ignore it, but watch him escalate it unilaterally;

2) Retaliate, but be prepared for a massive dose of injured innocence;

3) Escalate, which will then bring on a full-fledged emotional Armageddon.

The 28-year old Bbucko would have lept on #3, if only for the fabulous make-up sex and the chance to star in his own (untelevised) Telenovela. The 50-year old Bbucko would probably shrug, try #1 and feel his TMJ harden as the inevitable escalation occurs anyway, then proceed to #3 anyway (there's still some kick left in the old girl)

L'amour...l'amour! Toujours l'amour!

 

[nudeyorker]

You have been given some very good advice and I think your approach will have to be tailored to your partner and how he best responds to any criticism. I myself when I was trying to de-haolefy my partner when we moved in together was a matter of both of us sitting down and having a conversation and making a list of the things that really irritated us. We kept our lists and added things as necessary.
After the conversation whenever something happened that we discussed I simply said..."If you do this again I'm going to kick you until you are dead!"
We have very few issues with each other now. I have just resigned myself to the fact that he will never know how to load the dishwasher or know how to do laundry.

 

[helgaleena]

First of all, congratulations on living so very long with one another in the first place! And it's very important to simply ask him outright where all the toilet paper is. Once you know, bring it out like it's precious. And it's very little trouble to check the hot and cold water is actually off every time you are in the room for other reasons.

Then again, I do not live with a partner, but an autistic teenager :tongue: Getting such a person to realize that the back of his neck can be scrubbed is touchy-- yet it falls to mom to be the villain and mention it...

 

[NCbear]

I have just resigned myself to the fact that he will never know how to load the dishwasher or know how to do laundry.

Similarly, I've resigned myself to the fact that my man can't stand to wash dishes (we have no dishwasher) and doesn't fold clothes the way I do (which of course I think is the best way :tongue. I've also resigned myself to the fact that he leaves cupboard doors open at exactly head height for me . Further, he picks something up and never returns it to what I've remembered as its very own spot; as a result, I have to help him look for his keys, wallet, cell phone, and lots of other stuff all the time . Finally, he leaves his shoes at the foot of the bed in exactly the right spot for me to stumble across them in the middle of the night while going to the bathroom .

He's had to resign himself to the fact that I can't cook authentic Spanish cuisine :redface:. He's also had to resign himself to the fact that my organizational system is different from his (clothes, books, the pantry, you name it, it's different) :redface:. I also don't do well with lots of incoming junk mail and magazines; they tend to pile up in the magazine rack until the whole unsteady mass topples over, and then I'll go through them and throw stuff away (or put it in the recycle bin). And I drive like a maniac, which means quite often he's praying in Spanish and holding the "oh shit" handle above the passenger seat as I go through a gap in traffic at fairly high speed with only inches to spare.:redface::redface::redface:

A big difference: He likes movies and TV, and I like books and conversation. We compromise a lot: I watch his shows so we can then talk about them with the TV off, or I'll introduce him to a favorite book from my childhood so we can see the movie version of it later and compare the director's to the author's treatment of the story.

Another big difference: He likes good wine in social settings, and I don't drink at all. So now I'm the designated driver and he doesn't drink so much that he scares me (or himself).

A third big difference: He's more outgoing, while I'm typically more introverted. So when we go out, I make more of an effort to be more outgoing, and he makes sure I'm included in the conversations. I'm more of an uptight North American WASP than he could ever be, and he's more of a warmly friendly Mediterranean type than I could ever be--so I rein him in, when he needs it, while he pulls me out of my shell, when I need it.

It's all about compromise, in various ways. Sometimes we find a happy medium; sometimes we trade off on fulfilling each other's preferences, pushme-pullyou style. :biggrin1: But through it all, we talk: We talk a lot (at times) before we fully understand each other, but we get to that place before we stop talking about that particular issue--because understanding is very important to both of us. :biggrin2:

And that's why I said "communication," above. That's what makes it work for me and my man.

NCbear (who has been in previous relationships with rather poor communication, and who values the mature, transparent, completely forthcoming style of communication I enjoy with my man :wiggle

 

[Drifterwood]

."If you do this again I'm going to kick you until you are dead!"
We have very few issues with each other now.

Is that because he is in fact dead?

 

[nudeyorker]

Is that because he is in fact dead?

No he is in fact alive and well and living a life free from the squalor of doing any domestic work.

 

[Drifterwood]

and living a life free from the squalor of doing any domestic work.

This doesn't really make sense. Doing the housework means that you don't live in squalor; not doing it, means you do.

Either you do the housework or you have a man that does. I see a Freddie Mercury (I want to break free video) type cleaner in the house of Nude.

 

[SeeDickRun]

I too lived for years with my partner who:
1. Never hung up or put away a piece of clothing.
2. Never paid a bill
3. Never did laundry
4. Never closed a closet door or kitchen cabinet door
5. Was the best friend a person could have
6. Nursed me, encouraged me, and made sure I got through two bouts of cancer with significant rounds of chemo
7. Got me out of the house when I was determined to be a hermit through the chemo
8. Kicked my ass when I was "down" and got me back on track with a positive attitude.
9. Insisted my son (who has Huntington's Disease) come live with us so he could help care for him.
10. Is a person who gives, gives and gives some more, expecting nothing in return.
11. Had to stay in Ft. Lauderdale when I had to return to Indianapolis, but calls daily to share his world and find out about mine, at the moment.
12. Is insisting that he move to Indianapolis because 'no one cares about you more than I do', and really means it.
13. Is the best damn cook (besides me, in my own mind...lol...we all have our strengths and weaknesses) I've met.
14. We've put up with each other for 17 years... (he's 25+ years my junior)

In spite of all his "faults" and "idiosyncrasies" when you love each other, you put up with them, gripe/bitch/moan, knowing you're not going to change him, wonder what kind of a saint his mother was, and keep on loving each other.

 

[helgaleena]

SeeDickRun says the wise thing. :grouphug:

 

[NCbear]

Are you in a better place with this, midlifebear?

NCbear (who knows we bears have to stick together :wink