Was i in the wrong?

[286798]

When I want a really fine, fresh cut of meat, I don't shop at Wal-Mart. I drive to the butcher in the rural district, or the health foods store downtown. Dating is similar. You can't "shop" just any-ol'-where.

YESSSS!!!!!

 

[286798]

Lots of good thoughts in this thread. No, definitely not you. That mess was ALL him.

And I do think Tinder might be too much of a hookup shit-show. I was on Bumble for a hot minute and found loads of married men so that was not for me either. I may be projecting my own feelings a bit here, but I get the vibe that you're a genuinely nice person who is good with your sexuality... and are looking for the same in return. It can be hard to be sex-positive and not have it be misinterpreted as being easy. I'm not sure what the right site to find that in the US or Australia.

 

[rtg]

Unfortunately I've tried just about every site, multiple times, and the type of men on every site is the same. I've been on sites which have cost quite a lot of money (eg eharmony, elite singles) and I had no luck. I also went to a professional match making service and over $3K later I had the exact same experiences that I've had with free dating sites.

I don't know if it's just that there's so many jerk Aussie guys around?

 

[Shackleford]

Hi all, here's another page to add to the sad chapter of my dating life haha. The lovely @nailz convinced me to give Internet dating another crack. I decided to just download tinder again since that's easy and my brother met two of his girlfriends on there.

Anyway I started talking to this guy last night. He asked for my number after we chatted a bit. Then we were texting all day and he called me tonight. We were talking for about an hour. I hate talking about exes... but he brought his up a few times. They were together for 6 years and broke up 14 months ago Cos she cheated. One time he tells me that I say "fair enough" a lot and he'd prefer if I didn't say it because his ex used to say it a lot. Red flags went off there. I brushed it off.

Then we were talking about the last time we spoke to our exes (also not my choice of convo) and he legit went on for about 30 seconds (which felt like an eternity) about how he didn't understand why his ex cheated on him. You could tell he was mad by his voice, which was a clear indication he was still upset over it. He actually even said that he hated her. He finished his rant by saying "people tell me that I'm not over but I so am". Then I told him that I really don't think he's over it, because if he was he wouldn't have just gone on about it and how he talked really seemed like he wasn't over it. He was like "are you serious?". I said I was going to go because I felt uncomfortable talking about it. Then he kinda argued with me and ended up hanging up on me.

I ended up having no self respect and doing the weak thing and texting him apologising and tried explaining how it made me feel. I actually ended up having anxiety attack but didn't tell him that. Then he says to me that he doesn't think I should be in a relationship and that acting like that on the phone is enough to scare any guy off and I scared him. And he doesn't want to get feelings for me only to be "fucked in the ass after". Then busts out the "good luck on tinder".

Was I really in the wrong??? Or did he just fly off the handle because he didn't like being caught out? Or a mix of both? I did tell him that I'm blunt and have a no bullshit approach to things.

The only thing you did wrong was not ending the conversation sooner. Well, that and calling him back to apologize. Next time, don't brush off the first red flag.

 

[halcyondays]

Mix of both.

Two egos clashed. Two personalities clashed. Two people with their own histories and neuroses clashed.

On the positive side it didn't take a boatload of dates to discover you two might not be compatible.

On the negative side two decent people never got to relax and enjoy each other's company for lunch or dinner or a nice night out.

 

[881393]

It's not really your fault.... this guy was just weird =/

 

[Beedie Tijii]

You did very little wrong IMO. As you described it, the issue is 100% him.

One of the major problems with Tinder (for actual dating) is that so many of the people on there, I have found, have recently broken up with someone. And they are either looking for something self-affirming to help them move on (bad reason to be dating), and lying to themselves about it, or looking for rebound sex.

 

[286798]

Unfortunately I've tried just about every site, multiple times, and the type of men on every site is the same. I've been on sites which have cost quite a lot of money (eg eharmony, elite singles) and I had no luck. I also went to a professional match making service and over $3K later I had the exact same experiences that I've had with free dating sites.

I don't know if it's just that there's so many jerk Aussie guys around?

Uuuugh. As someone who's recently single again, this doesn't give me much encouragement for what my summer is going to be like. Sorry, @rtg... and I hope we don't end up comparing too many notes!

 

[rtg]

Uuuugh. As someone who's recently single again, this doesn't give me much encouragement for what my summer is going to be like. Sorry, @rtg... and I hope we don't end up comparing too many notes!

Fingers crossed that you can have better experiences than me!

 

[C41ara]

I have to repeat what everybody is saying, but it's true: you did nothing wrong, and you even apologize, don't feel bad

If a guy talks immediatly about his ex, don't keep talking to him, it's easy. I mean, not because he's an asshole, but because he's just too hurt about it. And if you date me, you'll never know for certain if he's doing honestly or still thinking about his ex.

 

[ItsAll4Kim]

I might only recommend not saying anything about red flag issues this early. As you see, it only tends to draw anger, and frankly, early on you don't owe each other any explanation beyond, "sorry, I'm not interested in pursuing this".

 

[find83]

From my point of view you did nothing wrong at all. The only think wrong was you tried to communicate like an adult to someone who clearly ain't receptive to other peoples opinion. I'm not the greatest with human interaction and even I know you don't bring up your ex so early when meeting/talking to someone. He just mad because you called him out so he's lashing out at you.

 

[halcyondays]

One of the major problems with Tinder (for actual dating) is that so many of the people on there, I have found, have recently broken up with someone. And they are either looking for something self-affirming to help them move on (bad reason to be dating), and lying to themselves about it, or looking for rebound sex.

^This. Another criticism of Tinder is that guys generally use it looking to hook up and women generally use it looking for relationships.

 

[rtg]

^This. Another criticism of Tinder is that guys generally use it looking to hook up and women generally use it looking for relationships.

Yeah I know. That's the same as all dating sites and apps though. Which is why I stopped doing internet dating for quite some time. Thought maybe I'd give it another crack only to just get confirmation that's it's exactly the same.

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

I think you need to lay off on trying to find a guy and try to be happy without one. When you hate being alone, you become more desperate. When you become more desperate you are likely to settle. When you settle you are miserable.

You create dating posts a lot that often have the same theme. You seem really uncomfortable being single. Listen to your gut. Don't settle.

Men aren't inherently bad because you're having trouble finding a good one. Bashing men as a whole based on your experience is no different than a man Bashing all women for being gold digging whores based on his personal experience.

 

[rtg]

I think you need to lay off on trying to find a guy and try to be happy without one. When you hate being alone, you become more desperate. When you become more desperate you are likely to settle. When you settle you are miserable.

You create dating posts a lot that often have the same theme. You seem really uncomfortable being single. Listen to your gut. Don't settle.

Men aren't inherently bad because you're having trouble finding a good one. Bashing men as a whole based on your experience is no different than a man Bashing all women for being gold digging whores based on his personal experience.

I don't recall ever bashing men as a whole. I've stated numerous times that I tend to come across the bad ones, but have also stated that I know there are good ones out there. My statements about dating sites were based on the men that I came across that I was interested in. Because that's the sample pool that I have to go by. And have also stated numerous times that I'm shy which results in me looking in the wrong places.

I'm not uncomfortable being single. I just would really love to find someone to settle down with. If I was so desperate then I would date the guys I wasn't interested in or would put up their bullshit and let them treat me like a doormat. If I was so desperate and hated being alone so much then I would have settled a long time ago. But I haven't. I haven't even been dating for the last number of months and have been content with that.

Yeah I post a lot of threads about dating. And I have a lot of troubles with dating. That doesn't mean that I'm hating on all men or that I'm some desperate damsel in distress. I just want to hear other people's opinions on things.

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

I can think of two examples where you've, maybe out of sheer frustration, said "are all men like this?" In fact in this thread you said "are all Australian men like this?"

I am simply pointing out a theme. You've mentioned going through many dating sites, invested in a dating coach and still not having luck.

This is a common theme among women who use online dating sites. My best friend talks to 5 new guys a day and most of them are complete idiots. But she uses Plenty of Fish and Tinder. She also manages to get a slew of weirdos who I've labeled her fan club. I've helped her talk to many men in person but she wants to use the online dating apps. I tell her there is some success in meeting a guy the old fashioned way. Too much facade and sex hunting when it comes to online dating.

I got invited to a party I almost didn't go to, brought my current boyfriend and ended up at my husband's house where the party was being held. I barely could talk to him. Little did I know we would be married a few months later.

I'm not a believer in the online dating scene. I've seen it fail more than succeed. I dated before dating apps and I found my man through meeting in person.

You never know where your future man might be. He could be at that next party you get invited to. He is not likely on a sex finding app.

But given you are shy, opposites attract, you are probably going to pair well with an outspoken man. The thing is finding one that just isn't looking to get laid.

 

[rtg]

I can think of two examples where you've, maybe out of sheer frustration, said "are all men like this?" In fact in this thread you said "are all Australian men like this?"

I am simply pointing out a theme. You've mentioned going through many dating sites, invested in a dating coach and still not having luck.

This is a common theme among women who use online dating sites. My best friend talks to 5 new guys a day and most of them are complete idiots. But she uses Plenty of Fish and Tinder. She also manages to get a slew of weirdos who I've labeled her fan club. I've helped her talk to many men in person but she wants to use the online dating apps. I tell her there is some success in meeting a guy the old fashioned way. Too much facade and sex hunting when it comes to online dating.

I got invited to a party I almost didn't go to, brought my current boyfriend and ended up at my husband's house where the party was being held. I barely could talk to him. Little did I know we would be married a few months later.

I'm not a believer in the online dating scene. I've seen it fail more than succeed. I dated before dating apps and I found my man through meeting in person.

You never know where your future man might be. He could be at that next party you get invited to. He is not likely on a sex finding app.

But given you are shy, opposites attract, you are probably going to pair well with an outspoken man. The thing is finding one that just isn't looking to get laid.

I see your point.... my comment generalising Aussie guys is purely because I've spoken to many ppl overseas who seem to think that Aussie guys are a different breed. But like I said, I do know there are good Aussie guys... I just haven't stumbled upon one where there's a mutual attraction I guess.

It actually wasn't a dating coach... it was a matchmaking service. So it's basically like internet dating except the whole thing is done in person through a dating agency. You sign up, pay a shitload of money, they match you with someone "compatable" who's also signed up. And it goes from there. Biggest waste of money and an utter scam. At that point, I would have considered myself a lot more desperate than I am now. And I do regret that. But I still had enough self respect to stand up to the dudes who didn't act reasonably towards me.

I honestly do not want to do internet dating. All of my friends who live close by are married with babies and never want to do things where I might meet someone. They don't seem to know anyone for me either? All of their parties involve other married couples so this is my dilemma.

Since starting playing baseball I've had an opportunity to meet new guys though and it has helped with my confidence in talking to guys. I've been working on myself a lot over the last few months since I hadn't been dating and except for my momentary lapse of weakness using tinder on the weekend, I've actually been quite content with being single. So I guess I'll go back to my ban on dating apps and sites and maybe I'll meet someone through baseball... it's a place where I can fully be myself straight up too and I'm actually out of my shell there.

Thanks for your advic too

 

[nailz]

The lovely @nailz convinced me to give Internet dating another crack. I decided to just download tinder again since that's easy..

Nooooooooooooooo, Tinder isn't internet dating, it's a hook-up app

 

[rtg]

Nooooooooooooooo, Tinder isn't internet dating, it's a hook-up app

Hahaha nailz it's all the same!!!! Trust me.