Ways To Ensure You're Being Heard/understood

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Had a dust-up with my current guy. I had told him a few instances where my expectations/needs weren't being met... which he seemed receptive to... and then from my perspective, they got worse. :mad: Nothing was a big deal or deal breaker (frequency of communication, etc.), but I'm making a conscious effort to be vocal and provide clarity... because holding a partner to a standard that they don't know even exists is a sure path to failure. Ya know? Anyway... things came to a head over the past 2 days. He says he doesn't remember those instances where I explained my feelings/expectations (which may be another issue altogether). He's not the only partner who's said that he didn't understand my expectations/needs, even when I felt when I made them clear... which can be attributed to the difference between men and women or that I don't communicate these things clearly. I'm willing to bet it's some of each.

What are your suggestions/methods to make sure your partner understands/hears what you're saying?
 

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Be blunt. Don't imply what you want or need, explicitly say it. Women tend to communicate with implication, while men tend to be more literal. Neither is right or wrong, better or worse, its just what it is.

I know I've had miscommunications with women I've been in relationships with because they thought they were saying something in a way that was clear to me, but I was oblivious to what they actual meant because the communication was not as straightforward as I expected it to be.

It's hard to say if that has anything to do with the problem in this case without know literally what was said, but I find that this disparity is the most common cause of miscommunication between men and women.
 

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Be clear, concise, and straight forward. Tell him exactly what your needs and wants are. Make sure he knows beyond any shadow of a doubt.

Because implying something to men doesn't necessarily mean we get it. Make sure you are both on the same page. When communicating be direct and to the point. Don't beat around the bush, and hem haw around. Better yet you could just take the opportunity to show him what it is that you want.
 

Phil Ayesho

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Had a dust-up with my current guy. I had told him a few instances where my expectations/needs weren't being met... which he seemed receptive to... and then from my perspective, they got worse. :mad: Nothing was a big deal or deal breaker (frequency of communication, etc.), but I'm making a conscious effort to be vocal and provide clarity... because holding a partner to a standard that they don't know even exists is a sure path to failure. Ya know? Anyway... things came to a head over the past 2 days. He says he doesn't remember those instances where I explained my feelings/expectations (which may be another issue altogether). He's not the only partner who's said that he didn't understand my expectations/needs, even when I felt when I made them clear... which can be attributed to the difference between men and women or that I don't communicate these things clearly. I'm willing to bet it's some of each.

What are your suggestions/methods to make sure your partner understands/hears what you're saying?

The number one issue affecting relationships if the conceited belief that what You perceive, feel, or expect is your PARTNER'S responsibility to address.
Who the fuk died and made you king of what other people ought to do?

Trust me, there is nothing your partner asks you to suffer in him that is any worse than what you expect him to suffer in you.


He has his own experience and perceptions. He sees the world the way he sees it... and all you will ever have is a pretty weak Theory of why he does the things he does.

Just because You take offense does not mean it is his fault you are offended. Offence is a choice You made.
Expectations are nothing but YOU imagining how the world or people around you will behave, and then being pissed off or hurt when they don't behave that way.

Who's doing that to you? The entire world around you? Or the fact that you personally converted an idea of what MIGHT happen into a demand about what damn well OUGHT to happen?


As far has how to make sure you are heard... just open your mouth and talk... but be aware that what he might hear is a demanding and brittle whiner who wants to blame Him for things he did for perfectly innocent reasons.

He, too, has a pretty weak theory about why You behave the way you do.. so the question becomes, what picture are you painting in his mind as to Your nature? Your thinking?

Are you trying to force him to construct a theory of you as being unreasonable? As being controlling?

You do not get to 'train' someone else to be the person you think they need to be for your satisfaction.
 

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"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place."
--George Bernard Shaw

We're men. Hints don't usually work. Be direct and specific. "I feel xxx when you yyy" statements. At least as many positive as negative. Example: instead of "I feel neglected when you don't help with housework," you can use "I feel appreciative when you vacuum the carpets and help clean up the kitchen."

And it doesn't hurt if your appreciation results in some positive reinforcement, like something you both enjoy together.

These techniques can work in all kinds of interpersonal relationships, not just romantic ones. Of course the positive reinforcement options are different...
 

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I agree with most of the men here. You have to be really specific and positive. And allow him to reciprocate. Don’t allow yourself to be hurt by what he might say. Don’t read between the lines. Take what he says at face value. If it sounds hurtful, ask questions to clarify.

Stay away from from words like “you never” or “you always”. Palakorian’s statements hit it on the head. Speak with love and kindness. This person is important to you, so be respectful.

Good communication takes time, and let him know you want this to improve between the both of you. If he thinks it’s fine but you don’t, then it needs work. Both of you have to agree that you have good communication. Both of you have to be happy with where your relationship is at, otherwise you have work to do.
 

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When I get it figured out I’ll post an answer.

ETA: he says he doesn’t remember. Maybe that’s a way of avoiding saying he doesn’t care.

Maybe he feels like you’re nagging him and ignores it.
 
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"I am not sure I've really and fully expressed what I meant to express. Could you please tell me how it all sounded from your perspective? Then I will know if I need to clarify myself."

Couldn't you say something like that? Would that work?

That sounds like it would work.
It shows empathy and opens up communication.
If nothing else people like to talk about themselves.
Their thoughts and feelings.
Asking him might put him in a more receptive frame of mind and
may even find common ground to build upon.
 

marriedasian

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here's how my wife and i do it... when we get into a heated disagreement or argument, we both agree to take time apart to cool down. when emotions are high, we don't think rationally and any words that come out of our mouths are misinterpreted instantly (and usually for the worse). the last thing either of us need is a shouting match wherein nobody is listening anyways, it's just a battle of who can make the loudest noise with their mouth.

once she or i cool down enough, we check in on each other and if the other person hasn't cooled down enough yet then we just stay separate and we do this as long as it takes. one time she was fuming over an argument for almost 2 days in which i did my own thing, only exchanged short words to let her know where i was, and then periodically asked her if she was ready to talk. longest i ever went was almost 1 day... 19 hours to be exact. one important thing that we still do during this time-out period is that we still fuck. i know, i know, some of you ladies will look at this and roll your eyes but my wife and i agreed a long time ago that sex would continue even when we are not talking to each other and that it would not be used against each other out of spite. we still sleep in the same bed despite being mad at each other and when night falls, we both get horny... so call it angry-sex if you may. :)

after we're both cooled, we will set a time to sit down (just her and me) and literally talk about it. we take turns talking while the other shuts up. i always let her go first as i'm more patient than her. most times i'll have a notepad to right down notes cause she's talks a lot and there's no way i can remember it all. it may seem clinical but if i don't do this there's no way i can address all the things she has to say. once she's done, and i ask her if she's done, then i share my side of the story first and address any of the notes i've written down if it coincides with my side of the story then after my story is done, i address any leftover notes.

many times we will simply agree to disagree but one thing we always do is repeat back to each other what we said in our own words to make sure that the interpretation is correct. men and women speak differently and use different words so we will do this back and forth until both of us are in agreement on what is being shared. the point here is not to win but to understand. there is no winning if we both have different opinions. i'm not out to change who she is and she to me but we need to understand and respect each other especially when we don't see eye-to-eye.

using this method, my wife and i have been able to pretty much take on any type of argument or debate. there have been a few times where i had to remind her of this (and she has reminded me a few times too) in that we both agreed to cool down and talk things out. neither of us have ever gone back on our promise to each other about this.

lastly, to be clear, this was something that i had set as a requirement when i got serious with my wife (girlfriend at the time). i told her that if she couldn't handle this then we should part ways (and don't worry ladies, she had some of her own requirements too).

in closing, i think the most important is the willingness to talk things through and to be able to reciprocate what was said and heard. i know this is not easy especially if you are not close with your partner or there is some animosity between each other. relationships are very hard but that doesn't mean you can't still be who you are. there's a difference between compromise and sacrifice.

hope this helps someone out there. it's more complex than this but i didn't want to write a novel.
 

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here's how my wife and i do it... when we get into a heated disagreement or argument, we both agree to take time apart to cool down. when emotions are high, we don't think rationally and any words that come out of our mouths are misinterpreted instantly (and usually for the worse). the last thing either of us need is a shouting match wherein nobody is listening anyways, it's just a battle of who can make the loudest noise with their mouth.

once she or i cool down enough, we check in on each other and if the other person hasn't cooled down enough yet then we just stay separate and we do this as long as it takes. one time she was fuming over an argument for almost 2 days in which i did my own thing, only exchanged short words to let her know where i was, and then periodically asked her if she was ready to talk. longest i ever went was almost 1 day... 19 hours to be exact. one important thing that we still do during this time-out period is that we still fuck. i know, i know, some of you ladies will look at this and roll your eyes but my wife and i agreed a long time ago that sex would continue even when we are not talking to each other and that it would not be used against each other out of spite. we still sleep in the same bed despite being mad at each other and when night falls, we both get horny... so call it angry-sex if you may. :)

after we're both cooled, we will set a time to sit down (just her and me) and literally talk about it. we take turns talking while the other shuts up. i always let her go first as i'm more patient than her. most times i'll have a notepad to right down notes cause she's talks a lot and there's no way i can remember it all. it may seem clinical but if i don't do this there's no way i can address all the things she has to say. once she's done, and i ask her if she's done, then i share my side of the story first and address any of the notes i've written down if it coincides with my side of the story then after my story is done, i address any leftover notes.

many times we will simply agree to disagree but one thing we always do is repeat back to each other what we said in our own words to make sure that the interpretation is correct. men and women speak differently and use different words so we will do this back and forth until both of us are in agreement on what is being shared. the point here is not to win but to understand. there is no winning if we both have different opinions. i'm not out to change who she is and she to me but we need to understand and respect each other especially when we don't see eye-to-eye.

using this method, my wife and i have been able to pretty much take on any type of argument or debate. there have been a few times where i had to remind her of this (and she has reminded me a few times too) in that we both agreed to cool down and talk things out. neither of us have ever gone back on our promise to each other about this.

lastly, to be clear, this was something that i had set as a requirement when i got serious with my wife (girlfriend at the time). i told her that if she couldn't handle this then we should part ways (and don't worry ladies, she had some of her own requirements too).

in closing, i think the most important is the willingness to talk things through and to be able to reciprocate what was said and heard. i know this is not easy especially if you are not close with your partner or there is some animosity between each other. relationships are very hard but that doesn't mean you can't still be who you are. there's a difference between compromise and sacrifice.

hope this helps someone out there. it's more complex than this but i didn't want to write a novel.
I love this. Setting out parameters for how to communicate is so important. Here are our rules for discussion, and we both need to follow them. So, so important.
 

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"I am not sure I've really and fully expressed what I meant to express. Could you please tell me how it all sounded from your perspective? Then I will know if I need to clarify myself."
Also good, so long as the tone doesn't convey condescension or derision. Otherwise it can sound like "let me know if that was too complicated for you so I can use smaller words."
 
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AlteredEgo

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Also good, so long as the tone doesn't convey condescension or derision. Otherwise it can sound like "let me know if that was too complicated for you so I can use smaller words."
Yes. It could be ammended to include an admission that the speaker has had this problem in the past, blames herself for miscommunication, and just wants to be proactive.
 
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Update: we talked through some things and I now understand how some of the things I said were misinterpreted by his guy-brain. Kinda like
If I had a nickel for for every time he said this, but she heard that...

He now understands why I was hurt. And yes, we came up with something like this to check for clarity:

"I am not sure I've really and fully expressed what I meant to express. Could you please tell me how it all sounded from your perspective? Then I will know if I need to clarify myself."

re:
men and women speak differently and use different words so we will do this back and forth until both of us are in agreement on what is being shared. the point here is not to win but to understand. there is no winning if we both have different opinions. i'm not out to change who she is and she to me but we need to understand and respect each other especially when we don't see eye-to-eye.
We kinda went round & round, because he thought I was trying to change him and questioning his character (which caused him to be defensive & put a wall up) and I thought he wasn't hearing me/dismissing my emotions (which caused me to go into a negative headspace and insecurity/mistrust flared). Once we eliminated the hurt feelings and were able to talk about the core issue, we were good.

And as far as this ---
The number one issue affecting relationships if the conceited belief that what You perceive, feel, or expect is your PARTNER'S responsibility to address.
Who the fuk died and made you king of what other people ought to do?
#1- This is irrelevant to the question of methods to ensure you are being heard. That being said...
#2- Couples need to be able to voice their expectations/needs. Otherwise they are being judged against a yardstick they don't know exists. If he expects crazy-monkey sex twice a day, and I'm giving him regular sex 5 times a week and blowjobs in between, I'm gonna think assume I'm getting an A+ while he's thinking D-. If I know his expectation is twice a day, I can either choose to buckle up, offer the compromise of daily monkey sex, or pull the rip cord. This is not about transferring ownership of/responsibility for another's emotions... this is about communication.
#3- If a boundary is established and agreed to within a relationship, it 100% IS your partner's responsibility to address it. Period. Those are the rules you agreed to mutually play by as a couple. This is part of why we had the dust-up... I thought the boundary was established but it was a grey area to him. So while no one died to make me king, I AM the queen in my relationship (just as my partner is the king) and if either one of us doesn't agree to stay within the boundaries of the kingdom, someone's gonna get banished.

And as far as some of your other comments like "demanding and brittle whiner who wants to blame Him for things he did for perfectly innocent reasons" and my being unreasonable, controlling, and trying to train him to satisfaction... you can stop projecting that :poop: on me. I'm one of the most easy going and flexible girlfriends to have. I have a few unapologetically inflexible boundaries (monogamy, honesty, no addictions, financially responsible) and few stated needs (follow through on commitments, ok with dogs, willing to be an equal partner), but a whole boatload of wants (funny, sexually compatible, etc.). I hardly think THAT constitutes being a brittle whiner/unreasonable. I don't know who did this manipulative stuff to you, Mr. Judgy McJudgerson, but it sure wasn't me.

Thanks to the others that offered suggestions. :kissing_heart::kissing_heart::kissing_heart:
 
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AlteredEgo

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Update: we talked through some things and I now understand how some of the things I said were misinterpreted by his guy-brain. Kinda like


He now understands why I was hurt. And yes, we came up with something like this to check for clarity:



re:

We kinda went round & round, because he thought I was trying to change him and questioning his character (which caused him to be defensive & put a wall up) and I thought he wasn't hearing me/dismissing my emotions (which caused me to go into a negative headspace and insecurity/mistrust flared). Once we eliminated the hurt feelings and were able to talk about the core issue, we were good.

And as far as this ---

#1- This is irrelevant to the question of methods to ensure you are being heard. That being said...
#2- Couples need to be able to voice their expectations/needs. Otherwise they are being judged against a yardstick they don't know exists. If he expects crazy-monkey sex twice a day, and I'm giving him regular sex 5 times a week and blowjobs in between, I'm gonna think assume I'm getting an A+ while he's thinking D-. If I know his expectation is twice a day, I can either choose to buckle up, offer the compromise of daily monkey sex, or pull the rip cord. This is not about transferring ownership of/responsibility for another's emotions... this is about communication.
#3- If a boundary is established and agreed to within a relationship, it 100% IS your partner's responsibility to address it. Period. Those are the rules you agreed to mutually play by as a couple. This is part of why we had the dust-up... I thought the boundary was established but it was a grey area to him. So while no one died to make me king, I AM the queen in my relationship (just as my partner is the king) and if either one of us doesn't agree to stay within the boundaries of the kingdom, someone's gonna get banished.

And as far as some of your other comments like "demanding and brittle whiner who wants to blame Him for things he did for perfectly innocent reasons" and my being unreasonable, controlling, and trying to train him to satisfaction... you can stop projecting that :poop: on me. I'm one of the most easy going and flexible girlfriends to have. I have a few unapologetically inflexible boundaries (monogamy, honesty, no addictions, financially responsible) and few stated needs (follow through on commitments, ok with dogs, willing to be an equal partner), but a whole boatload of wants (funny, sexually compatible, etc.). I hardly think THAT constitutes being a brittle whiner/unreasonable. I don't know who did this stuff to you, Mr. Judgy McJudgerson, but it sure wasn't me.

Thanks to the others that offered suggestions. :kissing_heart::kissing_heart::kissing_heart:
I didn't know where to start with Phil. Good for you. Anyway, I'm glad you two figured it out together. I onew you could.
 
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Oh, I forgot to mention that a big part of our dust up was due to someone else misrepresenting/embellishing something that happened. What actually happened was within boundaries, what was alleged was not. Knowing that a friend lied to me sent me into a headspace of not trusting anyone, which is never fun for the person in that headspace and puts most others into a defensive position.
 
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AlteredEgo

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Oh, I forgot to mention that a big part of our dust up was due to someone else misrepresenting/embellishing something that happened. What actually happened was within boundaries, what was alleged was not. Knowing that a friend lied to me sent me into a headspace of not trusting anyone, which is never fun for the person in that headspace and puts most others into a defensive position.
That's pretty fucked up. What does the friend have to say for themselves?
 
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Phil Ayesho

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#1- This is irrelevant to the question of methods to ensure you are being heard. That being said...
#2- Couples need to be able to voice their expectations/needs. Otherwise they are being judged against a yardstick they don't know exists. If he expects crazy-monkey sex twice a day, and I'm giving him regular sex 5 times a week and blowjobs in between, I'm gonna think assume I'm getting an A+ while he's thinking D-. If I know his expectation is twice a day, I can either choose to buckle up, offer the compromise of daily monkey sex, or pull the rip cord. This is not about transferring ownership of/responsibility for another's emotions... this is about communication.
#3- If a boundary is established and agreed to within a relationship, it 100% IS your partner's responsibility to address it. Period. Those are the rules you agreed to mutually play by as a couple. This is part of why we had the dust-up... I thought the boundary was established but it was a grey area to him. So while no one died to make me king, I AM the queen in my relationship (just as my partner is the king) and if either one of us doesn't agree to stay within the boundaries of the kingdom, someone's gonna get banished.

And as far as some of your other comments like "demanding and brittle whiner who wants to blame Him for things he did for perfectly innocent reasons" and my being unreasonable, controlling, and trying to train him to satisfaction... you can stop projecting that :poop: on me. I'm one of the most easy going and flexible girlfriends to have. I have a few unapologetically inflexible boundaries (monogamy, honesty, no addictions, financially responsible) and few stated needs (follow through on commitments, ok with dogs, willing to be an equal partner), but a whole boatload of wants (funny, sexually compatible, etc.). I hardly think THAT constitutes being a brittle whiner/unreasonable. I don't know who did this manipulative stuff to you, Mr. Judgy McJudgerson, but it sure wasn't me.

Thanks to the others that offered suggestions. :kissing_heart::kissing_heart::kissing_heart:

Not projecting anything on you.

It wasn't a characterization of anything you said.
It was a characterization of the way Some people are going to respond to anyone making demands that they be or react differently than they do- Few people take critique or correction well.

I'm all for communication. But that was not the actual tenor of the question. It was how can I ensure I am heard? That is phrased self centeredly.

Heard about what? The only time I hear that kind of phrasing, the thing they want to be heard about it a complaint about their "mate".


For example- not long ago a woman I was dating broke up with me via text. She wrote that she apologized for doing it via text, but that she did not want to speak to me over the phone for fear I would talk her out of breaking it off.

I responded via text that I did not know what I had done to cause her injury... but that I would never have done anything with that intention... that I respected her wishes and that I would always remember her as a pure delight to be with. And I wished her the best of luck in finding a guy more to her liking.

She called me anyway... and tried to explain.
She said she wanted to break up with me because I had never taken her out on a Saturday.

That made zero sense to me.
I mentioned I had taken her out on a Sunday, a Tuesday, Wednesday, two Thursdays and two Fridays...


She said, yes, but everyone knows that Saturday is "date night" and that's when all the other couples are out, and she felt that my not taking her out on Saturday meant that either I was ashamed to be seen with her... or I was taking some other woman who meant more to me out on Saturdays.

I pointed out that, for one, I am self employed and that one of the perqs of being self employed is that you don't Have to go out when everyone else is out and you can't even get a table...
and I pointed out that just the previous week I Had asked her out on a Saturday- but she had declined because she was busy that night.

Now- she hadn't talked to me about any of this... she just broke up with me.
After speaking to me on the phone, she "heard me" and decided that maybe she didn't want to break up after all.

But I had also "heard her"- she had made a lot of assumptions about me that painted me in a bad light in her own mind...
One- that I was the kind of guy who dated more than one woman at a time, even though I had told her that I was only seeing her. Two, that I would have in any way been embarrassed or ashamed to bee seen with her- she was drop dead gorgeous with a smile that was electrifying.
And Three- that she was afraid to break up with me over the phone for fear I would talk her out of it.

And here I had spoken to her on the phone and she had changed her mind.


That right there ruined our chances, because going forward I would feel I had talked her out of breaking up with me against her sincere desire to do so- which I could only assume Had to be about something deeper than that we had not yet gone out on a Saturday... I don't want to be the guy in her life that she's with because I talked her into staying.
OR- she was the kind of woman who would literally be that injured by something so absolutely trivial that she could end what was a promising relationship over it.

the point being that communication is a 2 edged sword.

And just because you talk things out and "hear" one another does not mean that either of you even remotely understand the motivations of one another's actions.

Do we have any right to demand that our mates be different than they are?
Or should we decide to have faith in their good intentions and try and change the way we ourselves react?

With this lovely woman, I can not bring myself to believe that she ever intended to hurt me.
And I know I never did anything with the intention to hurt her.

And yet both of us were hurt... and the explanations we shared that exonerated us both did nothing to make things better.
it was out there in the open that she was distrustful of me.
And that I felt no confidence that I had not talked her out of breaking up with me.

Before that moment- the heat and spark between us was intense. After it... there was a curtain.


I think far more important than telling your mate what they do that is wrong and what you need from them, is for each of us to look at our own reactions and demands and try to figure out whether our own petty issues are anyone's responsibility but ours.

Just because a guy leaves the toilet seat up is no reason to assume he did so in disregard of your feelings.
And when he leaves it down, chances are, it was NOT because he's thinking of your feelings... chances are its because he's trained himself to do it without thinking at all.


All we ever know of our mate is a fiction.

A model we invented to explain their actions to ourselves. But we are blind to the fact that other people do not always do a thing for the same reasons We do.
If they do something that we would only do in spite- then we decide they can be spiteful...
And so we Changed the fiction of belief we have about our mate.


We always marry a hero... and we always divorce a villain. but they were never really either... and the only thing that changed was what we ourselves chose to believe about them.

We Choose to be upset.
We choose to be hurt.
We choose to lose faith.

Sometimes those choices are valid. Most of the time they are not.

And relationship really sucks when the most consistent experience you have of it is being told how you are wrong for being the person that you are. Especially so if nothing you have ever done was meant to be hurtful.

I think we are not forgiving enough of one another.
I think expectations, though often deserved, can as often be a poison.

What I see all around me is people whose relationships fall apart- and its always because one or both imagine that they Can find someone who would be perfect.

And Perfect is the absolute enemy of the good.
 
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That's pretty fucked up. What does the friend have to say for themselves?
I haven't addressed it with him. I'm not sure what to do yet. Part of me wants to just end communication. Part of me wants to chew his ass, but I have no hard proof that he's lied. I have no proof that my guy isn't lying in his denial, though, either.