Well that time has come...

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by vega, Mar 28, 2005.

  1. vega

    vega Member

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    I have been with my love for 3 years. I am 19 and she is 18 and recently she asked me to elope.

    Firstly I am still in college and so is she so we know that that comes first.

    My major problem is that it was literally an hour after we settled a dispute about me finding e-mails in which she proclaimed her love for someone else.

    She tells me that it was fleeting and during a time when she thought we were not doing so well. She says she didn't do anything with him and that she doesn't love him anymore and realized she really loved me. Things have been going great but that threw a major kink into things.

    He is just a dick with no relationship experience that thought he could buy her affection with gifts (kind of worked huh?). He is now angry at her because he feels that she used him and threatened to tell me lies about them have sex. She realized now that he didn't really care about her like I do and just wanted to be with her.

    I would give everything for her happiness even if it meant losing her to someone else and she now sees this. I am totally sincere when I say things like "I would gie everything to see you smile." And she realizes that the gifts from him mean nothing.

    I still love her and can't stop doing so but this has caused some deep wounds in my heart. I will always bear the open wounds from the rest of my life that can not but she has helped me so much. This event has just worked to cut some of the stitching that held my heart and mind together.

    lol you people finally get to see the frailty behind the strength and the pain that has birthed me into the being I am today. I have such outward confidence and charisma but it hides so many scars bith emotional and physical. People are usually suprised when they see my body upclose.

    She is the only person I have in my life I feel comfortable talking to and if I try to bring it up it just makes her sad. I don't want to cause her unhappiness anymore. She feels so guilty already and it is completely unnecessary to do so.

    I am not sure what to do. I love her but am so unsure of so many things right now.
     
  2. Freddie53

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    I know you love her. But eloping just after almost breaking up is not wise. When in doubt wait. If you lose her by waiting, then she didn't really love you like you love her.

    I doubt she is ready either. If you are having sex, do use protection as you will have trouble paying child support in college if a pregnancy happens. You have plenty of time for that later.

    There is nothing more heart throbbing then being in love especially at your age with all the harmones raging. Just keep what the harmones do to you and your real feelings for each other separate.

    You may break up several more times before you settle and get married or move on permanently to someone else.

    There is absolutely no way to predict those things. But remember you should have at least 60 years left to live. Nothing is an emergency right now. You aren't runnning out of time. Now if you were 85 that would be different. No time to waste.
     
  3. Altairion

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    vega,

    It sounds like you're still trying to figure out what she is feeling at this moment in time. Doing something rash after her possible relationship with another guy has come out in the open can only lead to worse things later on. The best thing for you and your girlfriend right now would be to try to settle back down until this matter blows over. After that has been accomplished, only then consider doing something. I don't know the full out situation, but this is what my mind is telling me would be best for you two.

    - Alt
     
  4. vega

    vega Member

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    I know you love her. But eloping just after almost breaking up is not wise. When in doubt wait. If you lose her by waiting, then she didn't really love you like you love her.

    I doubt she is ready either. If you are having sex, do use protection as you will have trouble paying child support in college if a pregnancy happens. You have plenty of time for that later.

    There is nothing more heart throbbing then being in love especially at your age with all the harmones raging. Just keep what the harmones do to you and your real feelings for each other separate.

    You may break up several more times before you settle and get married or move on permanently to someone else.

    There is absolutely no way to predict those things. But remember you should have at least 60 years left to live. Nothing is an emergency right now. You aren't runnning out of time. Now if you were 85 that would be different. No time to waste.
    [post=294619]Quoted post[/post]​
    [/b][/quote]

    What?

    I never said anything about sex and this has nothing to do with it or hormonal levels.

    I also never said anything about breaking up. You seem to have breezed over the actual post and focused on my age and the basic situation.

    Please do not make basic assumptions about me and my life based on age or stage of life. I am not driven by urges. A long time ago I learned to control everything.
     
  5. vega

    vega Member

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    Ya that is pretty much how I feel about it. thank you. Everything has settled down I'm just still hurt and confused.

    lol weve gone through enough horrifyingly bad things in our lives that the actual dispute only lasted probably about an hour. things move much easier when you discuss instead or argue and get angry or displace your anger.

    So ya we are happy again and quite content Just a lot of my abandonment issues have quietly started whispering to me again. The relationship is not in trouble I am.
     
  6. Knight

    Knight New Member

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    I wouldn't elope. I mean its a good idea but how practical is it? You need money and a place to stay etc if you run off together and also you at least need to be secure in the relationship and deal with your abandonment issues one way or another. Then when you're both sure its really what you want and you can handle it, go for it. My advice really is you're the only one who knows your girl and you know if she's serious about eloping and if she will be faithful to you. If you're even 1% unsure about her and you two being together then don't do it. 1% will snowball into all kinds of nasty situations despite what you think.

    Still, its a risk. You either take it or you don't. Just hope it works out for you whatever you decide to do. Be certain though, no doubt and /\/o Fear as the surfer dudes would say...least in my day they said that lol. Think I made my point though - be 100% serious and that means both of you. Listen to your girl and read her, see how happy and up for eloping she really is.
     
  7. Imported

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    carolinacurious:

    riiight.

    You may not be a child. (but I wonder: "A long time ago I learned to control everything."--that's a humdinger.)

    But you're still human.
     
  8. Dr Rock

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    who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree? Sex
    sounds like your girlfriend is kind of a flake. I'd be very suspicious of anyone who proclaims "love" for two different people within an hour. my advice will always be to cut people like that out of your life, but who the hell has ever listened to me until after it's too late? :eyes:
     
  9. madame_zora

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    Vega, perhaps you were hasty in jumping down Freddie's throat, and perhaps these things are what young people can't see about themselves yet that gives them away. Sorry dude, but it's true. If Freddie thought your relationship was in trouble (like I did as well) it's because most people with any sense of self esteem would be having tremendous difficulty with their lover also writing love letters to someone else at the same time. If this wasn't a cause for you to review your feelings about your relationship, and you do still "care about her happiness more than your own", then that seems like a misplaced set of values and I hope you find a way to think better of yourself than to let someone treat you so inconsiderately. Also, if you post something asking for advice, then don't jump someone's shit for trying to reach out to you- you're not the first guy this week to do that and it really is a sign of immaturity.
     
  10. Imported

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    Goon: Ahhh, the memories. You're a catch and I'm sorry to say your girlfriend sounds sadly typical. Eloping now starts a marriage based on suspicion. Believe me, the price is high for this one. Make her prove herself. If she really loves you, she isn't going anywhere.
     
  11. vega

    vega Member

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    Thank you all for the advice. Much of it I have taken to heart. I had already said no a few minutes after she asked. What really gets me is that I have been thinking about marriage and considering it for some time since I am sure of my own feelings I'm just not sure of hers anymore.

    To clarify she had already told him a long time ago that she did not love him as much as she loved me I just found the mail recently. She didn't want me to find out because she was ashamed for letting her heart wander and just wanted to forget.

    First I apologize for jumping on anyone. Not my intent. A little testy right now understandably. I was looking for objective advice unaffected by misconceptions about age.

    Second, no I am not run by my hormones. Is it really that hard in todays world to believe a person may not be driven by their dick? In our relationship it took literally over a year for us to be fully sexual. It wasn't and never has been a top priority for us.

    Any person that claims that you can't fight urges or hormones is weak, sick, or making excuses. Half of being human is the ability to think and rationalize beyond base instincts.

    In regards to the control comment I spent many years of my life forcing everything away and deeper into myself so I learned to control emotions, urges, sensations and my body.
    Through focusing of this I have been able to overcome pain and force it away when necessary and go so far as to change the rythm of my heart. Scared the hell out of one of my doctors. But then again I was never normal physically. Hell I weighed 11 lbs at birth.
     
  12. Royal_T

    Royal_T New Member

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    I agree that people can control their actions a great deal more than most of us let on, but I just want to give a friendly warning about controlling emotions and pain. If you suppress too much, it can cause problems down the line. Things ranging from simple difficulty in knowing what you're really feeling to possible physical issues. Anyway, this isnt the real point of your thread so I wont babble on. I just want to say that, speaking as someone with similar experience controlling the things you mention, there can be drawbacks. ;)
     
  13. Imported

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    carolinacurious: I don't want to take it to far off topic either but...

    Vega, I know there is no way to convince you because I wouldn't have listened at your age either. But maybe this might help anyway.

    I believe it was ina different thread that you made the point that there is no real progress as long as you are fighting something. On a related point, even if you are fighting your hormones, they're still there, you're still fighting against them, they're still very much affecting you. And if you see hormone as a synonym for dick that's your deal. That's not what I meant.

    If you were a being of pure logic, you wouldn't be having these problems with your girlfriend, you would know exactly what you needed to do, you wouldn't be here for help, you wouldn't be testy, you wouldn't have jumped Freddie's (and my) case, and you would realize how silly some of the things you're saying sound.

    Anyway, all this "control" of which you speak is repression. It's not healthy. Don't get me wrong, a healthy dose of logic and the ability to not be completely driven by your emotions is a good thing. But repression will come back and bite you in the ass, HARD!

    Anyway, I know you're not repressing anything, what you do is different, that's not you. Whatever.

    This pisses younger people off when it's said but it's true (anyway, you're in control, you don't get pissed off):

    Been there. Done it. Now I'm in my 12th year of therapy trying to let a bit of that control go.
     
  14. Freddie53

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    Vega,

    I will try to remember the next time you come on this site requesting information for help to keep my mouth shut.

    Though at my advanced age I may forget what I just said. After all, an old fart like me doesn't know anything about being young. Never been there. Never had a relationship break up. Hell, I was already 30 when I was born.

    If you think that harmones don't affect your behavior, your thinking, your attitude, your emotions and affect your decisions than you are either ignorant or a fool.

    I was only pointing out the obvious where a person of your age is at and choices you have. At my age and health, I have different choices. You and I may not like that fact. But we can't change it.

    I assumed from your post that you wanted advice about this particular relationship with this girl. I gave it.

    I was being nice. I think you would have been a fool to go and elope with a girl after a big fight and finding out that she has been writing letters to anther guy.

    Face up to the realities of life and quit hiding behind this misconception of age. There is no misconception of age. I have been your age. You have not been mine.

    And the relationship with this girl goes way beyond your age. It is the same for any age. The advice would have been the same. Only difference is in consolation. You have more years to expect to live according to the experts than I do. You have 60 or more years to look forward to. on the other hand I am falling short under 30 years now. There is no misconception. That is a scientific fact.

    If you are like any other red blooded male your age or any age, your emotions are running high after an elopment and fight scene. The only difference is that it is a scientific fact that the harmone levels are higher in your body then in mine. Therefore, they will play a bigger effect on you then on me. That is scientific fact not misconception of age.

    I laud you for having your harmones and desires under control. That is what every man is supposed to learn. But that doesn't change the fact that they are there. That is not a misconception of age. That is a man gaining control of himself. There are men who either can't or don't do that who are in their fifties. That is not age related. That is having character and having the ability to control yourself. It is true that as we age we usually either build character or lose character. But that is not true for everyone.

    Vega,

    The fact that you just lashed out at me after I wrote a very non-threatning post of advice shows how unstable your emotions were right at that moment. You asked for advice. You should learn to accept the advice you requested graciously even if you think it is gargage. Just let what you don't agree with roll over your shoulders and say thank you and pitch the advice to the wind. I did not deserve that tirade of yours.

    Vega,

    I would rather be your friend then a person on this forum in which I have arguments with and there be bad feelings. I hope you won't take my age and make your attitutes about me center on that. That would make you guilty of the charge that you have leveled against me. Misconception of age.

    Good luck to you in your relationship with this girl. This may be just the girl for you to live your life with. On the other hand, there may a Miss Right for you around the corner that you haven't met. Unfortunately, no one can help you with that. There is no way to even to begin to predict what relationships you might could have with other girls that you haven't met. That is not age related either. That is true for every person. I wouldn't even begin to try to answer that question.

    You just have to really evaluate your relationship with her and consider nothing else right now. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with her? Do you love her enough to get married? Are you compatible? Do you share the same dreams or do you each have a totally different viewpoint of where you want to be in 10 years. Those are the questions that only you and she can answer. That is all that I can suggest that you do.

    Freddie
     
  15. vega

    vega Member

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    Sorry. I apologized. Freddie as I state thank you. I had not even considered your age. yOur older than I thought you were. I was drawing false conslusions based on how others treat me. Sorry.

    I never said I was fighting my hormones. I said I was not controled by them. I have no internal conflicts like that. I did not say I was not affcted by them either I am just not driven by them.

    I know it is repression. I never said it was a good thing. It's eaten me away inside. I have a lot of scars both internal and external.

    I never said I was a being of pure logic. Logic has little to nothing to do with emotions. Thats why I sought help.

    Carolina you heve been the one making foolish statements like your belief that I would deny my problems. I apologized to freddie but I will not apologize to you.

    As an update we are quite happy again. She has truly seen him for what he is. A spitefull child and says that she hates him. I told her hate was too strong of a word and that she shoiuld not give up what was obviously a friendship strong enough to be misconstrued as love. But she told me that he had been saying horrible things and broke almost all ties so they are not even friends.

    I believe I had also said that the reason he was so angry was because she had already told him that she loved me and not him well before I even found any of this out. I am very happy that she chose me.

    Once again I apologize. Those of you that have spoken withe me on this or any other forum know that I am usually not that irrational and irritable. Sorry. I hope none of you came away from this with damaged views of me although I suspect that to be the reality of it.
     
  16. B_werfghj

    B_werfghj New Member

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    in my opinion your to young to even be in a serious relationship.
    you need to be out there having fun and dating, if she ( and i dont know her, she may be a very nice person ) has been screwing around on you, you need to get out NOW.
    finish college, realize your dreams and ambitions first, THEN start a relationship.
    take this from someone that has had to make sacrificies, and has had a experience very similar to this.
     
  17. Freddie53

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    Vega, just read your post.

    And thanks for your apology and yes it is accepted. You have come a long way with understanding yourself since your first post.

    And you made my day thinking I am younger than I really am. There is nothing you could have said that caught my attention quciker than that. I don't mind being 53, I just mind the slowing down of the body and slow decline of abilities. I hate that greatly. I still want to climb the mountains and swim the lakes with the youth. I have to set on the shore line and mind the water coolor down below now.

    The situation you were in and now in really has nothing to do with age. It has to do with a relationship. Sure passed relationships can give wisdom, but not always. In my youth work I have found 18 year olds with more wisdom than many men in their fifties. If there is anyway I can counsel you on the site or through my e-mail I would be glad to. Not because of my age, but because of my training. I am a professional teacher, and youth worker. You are a bit beyond youth now. But as I said, a lot of what you are dealing with is circumstantial. The same could be said for any man at any age. Any man could be in the same position you are in.

    You have admittd that repression has left its scars. Find a way to deal with that. This post is not about specific advice so I won't go into that here, but you realize that repression is hurting you. If I can help you deal with that great. If I can't at least you know I care.

    Wish I could give you the PERFECT ANSWER. I wish I could tell you whether your girfriends love for you is genuine and will last. I don't have that power to know.

    I do know my advice to any man of any age would be and that is take it slow for a while. YOu have your harmones under control right now so take advantage of that and don't go too fast in the relationship. Take a step at a time. Hopefully you will know the answers you need to know at the right times.

    Again, if I can be of any help. Just someone to sound off to, I am here.

    Vega, any fool can make a mistake. It takes a man of character to admit it. Thanks so much for publically apologizing to me. And what ever I wrote that you misunderstood I am sorry I didn't make it clearer to you.

    You are a swell guy. Best of luck to you.

    Freddie

     
  18. vega

    vega Member

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    lol in regards to taking it slow. Thats how I work. Weve been together for 3 years and took us a full year to actually start having sex. Never been a rash person.

    In regards to the repression I got over it a long time ago. actually about two years ago I'm just feeling residual effects. Thanks for the concern though.
     
  19. thelastoneever2000

    thelastoneever2000 New Member

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    Since i am the same age of you, and I too have been in love with a girl for roughly the same time, I would first suggest to not elope. youre both young. my girlfriend and I like to talk about what will happen when we are married, and I really hope that we can see through to that bright future, but we also both acknowledge that it is a bit naive and "fairytale-ish" to think about being married at that age (although her parents married at that age and love eachother very much).

    my girlfriend and I decided that if we can last 5 years together, then we can actually think seriously about marriage. but we go to different colleges (for the time being) so it is hard to always know if she still loves me, but time after time she proves herself to me. I would also think that no one should marry anyone without living with the significant other for at least 6 months, to see if you can stand eachother ehhehe.

    in your situation, It sounds like her suggestion is an irrational way to get your feelings back. take it with a grain of salt, but do not force her out of your life. you need to take time to see what is going on .
     
  20. vega

    vega Member

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    thelastoneever2000. Thanks thats pretty much how I feel. Thank you
     
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