What am i missing?

mrbig303

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I was called a dick in another thread for no reason, but maybe I am a dick, for no reason.

If all she does is want to cuddle, give head and cry about her feelings what do I do to break the cycle which to me seems petty?
 

MickeyLee

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going by your five post history of activity on LPSG.....
gonna have to co-sign on the 'you are a dick' statement
 
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AlteredEgo

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Answer: You are absolutely terrible at clear, concise communication. It took you four tries to come up with this easy-to-digest version of your question. Either communicate your true feelings to the woman, which gives her a real opportunity to alter her behavior or decide she doesn't want to do so, or leave her which you seem inclined to do. Just know that your weakness is poor communication, and your lot with other women may be no better if you don't first figure out what the fuck it is you even want, and then communicate that clearly. You can have whatever you want, you just need to know what that is, be mature enough to ask for it, and patient enough to select only those who are truly compatible. You presented yourself to us like a schmuck who couldn't string two thoughts together and got called out on that. Rather than hide from bald truth like a mouse, face that kind of thing like a man, and find that you grow in multiple facets of your life. What the duck kind of dominant are you supposed to be who can't handle mild challenge from a stranger? Please. Get it together.
 

mrbig303

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Answer: You are absolutely terrible at clear, concise communication. It took you four tries to come up with this easy-to-digest version of your question. Either communicate your true feelings to the woman, which gives her a real opportunity to alter her behavior or decide she doesn't want to do so, or leave her which you seem inclined to do. Just know that your weakness is poor communication, and your lot with other women may be no better if you don't first figure out what the fuck it is you even want, and then communicate that clearly. You can have whatever you want, you just need to know what that is, be mature enough to ask for it, and patient enough to select only those who are truly compatible. You presented yourself to us like a schmuck who couldn't string two thoughts together and got called out on that. Rather than hide from bald truth like a mouse, face that kind of thing like a man, and find that you grow in multiple facets of your life. What the duck kind of dominant are you supposed to be who can't handle mild challenge from a stranger? Please. Get it together.




I may be an introverted dominate idk, I do know how to express myself depending on the situation, but I will agree my conversation on a board with strangers about a weakness I have is not on point.
How do I classify myself given I am shy, dominate, a dick, but compassionate and love do watch her cry, choke and cum at the same time, only because it makes her happy and it gets us both off, But it eventually becomes boring to me. That is my confusion, and why I tried to ask the for opinions.
Thank you for yours in such a candid manner.
 
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AlteredEgo

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How do I classify myself given I am shy, dominate, a dick, but compassionate and love do watch her cry, choke and cum at the same time, only because it makes her happy and it gets us both off, But it eventually becomes boring to me.
You are boring yourself, Dude. Why approach it the same way every time? Your other thread had the word exploration in the title, but now it doesn't sound like you are actually exploring anythung, but rather playing out the same scene over and over. It might have been exploration once. Now, it's a script. It is not up to a sub to lead and change the story. To do that, however, you have to know what you want. You do not seem to know. You believe you know what she wants, but I suspect you need to have more intimate exploratory conversations.

Go back to basics. Discuss with each other the most stimulating experiences you've each had within D/s. Top three it for each other. Explain what the psychological impact was during and after. Important aspects to cover include triggers that result in pleasant memories replaying or physical sensations replaying, anything negative that might have to be considered regarding improved outcomes for similar situations, and ideas for anything that might have intensified a moment, a path that had been perhaps longed for, but not taken. This is not an exhaustive list and you could have this conversation for weeks and never squeeze it completely dry of useful tidbits. Revisit all parties' boundaries. Boundaries are not cut and dry; they shift. Some are firm, and some are negotiable.

I thought getting hit in my face even once was a boundary, but a partner who really had a strong urge to interrupt any impending orgasms by striking me very hard across my cheek was able to remove that as a boundary between us. But we'd talked about so much and he earned that trust by making me feel very, very vulnerable psychologically, but taking good care of me. He was dependable, both as my friend, and my fuckbuddy. He was a sadist, I knew, and he demonstrated little by little that he could hurt me without harming me, and gained the trust and intimacy required to even think about testing my hard limits. It can't be rushed. I never was made to feel like my limits were just ideas to be trained away from. He flirted with my soft limits, things I know I don't like, but might do with the right one, just to please him, and only ever pushed hard against the one limit. I never had to use my safe words (though I did have to use safe gestures to communicate too much fear and oxygen dep during breath play) and he never crossed a line I didn't happily let him over. But that comes from communication and mutual experience.

Meanwhile, another partner who I saw far more regularly at the same time, had known for much longer, had been allowed to spank me really hard, and even pulled off my swim bottoms and flogged me once in front of people I didn't know. That was hot, but if HE would have hit my face with even a tenth of the force of the other guy, I'd have punched him in the dick, broken his nose and then curb stomped his ribs. He liked to think of himself as a dominant but he lacked the skill in the headgames department. I liked his roughness, and having him push me around and show me off, but I never felt actually submissive to him at any time. It was like a game. I said what he needed to hear so he would stay hard for as long as I wanted. I didn't mean any of it.

With the former, the one who could slap fire from my cheek, I felt like he owned me, if only a few hours at a time. If he asked for something, I gave it to him, and his approval, arousal, and satisfaction were my sunshine, water and air. See the difference? That intensity cannot be manufactured, but rather must be cultivated. The first step in that is to communicate well with each other about desires and limits, but education is helpful too. Read about domination. Submit to a powerful and experienced woman. Find your local kink groups and go to a munch or lecture. You can never know it all, or too much. But then get back to yourself. None of it means anything if you don't figure out what you want.
 

mrbig303

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You are boring yourself, Dude. Why approach it the same way every time? Your other thread had the word exploration in the title, but now it doesn't sound like you are actually exploring anythung, but rather playing out the same scene over and over. It might have been exploration once. Now, it's a script. It is not up to a sub to lead and change the story. To do that, however, you have to know what you want. You do not seem to know. You believe you know what she wants, but I suspect you need to have more intimate exploratory conversations.

Go back to basics. Discuss with each other the most stimulating experiences you've each had within D/s. Top three it for each other. Explain what the psychological impact was during and after. Important aspects to cover include triggers that result in pleasant memories replaying or physical sensations replaying, anything negative that might have to be considered regarding improved outcomes for similar situations, and ideas for anything that might have intensified a moment, a path that had been perhaps longed for, but not taken. This is not an exhaustive list and you could have this conversation for weeks and never squeeze it completely dry of useful tidbits. Revisit all parties' boundaries. Boundaries are not cut and dry; they shift. Some are firm, and some are negotiable.

I thought getting hit in my face even once was a boundary, but a partner who really had a strong urge to interrupt any impending orgasms by striking me very hard across my cheek was able to remove that as a boundary between us. But we'd talked about so much and he earned that trust by making me feel very, very vulnerable psychologically, but taking good care of me. He was dependable, both as my friend, and my fuckbuddy. He was a sadist, I knew, and he demonstrated little by little that he could hurt me without harming me, and gained the trust and intimacy required to even think about testing my hard limits. It can't be rushed. I never was made to feel like my limits were just ideas to be trained away from. He flirted with my soft limits, things I know I don't like, but might do with the right one, just to please him, and only ever pushed hard against the one limit. I never had to use my safe words (though I did have to use safe gestures to communicate too much fear and oxygen dep during breath play) and he never crossed a line I didn't happily let him over. But that comes from communication and mutual experience.

Meanwhile, another partner who I saw far more regularly at the same time, had known for much longer, had been allowed to spank me really hard, and even pulled off my swim bottoms and flogged me once in front of people I didn't know. That was hot, but if HE would have hit my face with even a tenth of the force of the other guy, I'd have punched him in the dick, broken his nose and then curb stomped his ribs. He liked to think of himself as a dominant but he lacked the skill in the headgames department. I liked his roughness, and having him push me around and show me off, but I never felt actually submissive to him at any time. It was like a game. I said what he needed to hear so he would stay hard for as long as I wanted. I didn't mean any of it.

With the former, the one who could slap fire from my cheek, I felt like he owned me, if only a few hours at a time. If he asked for something, I gave it to him, and his approval, arousal, and satisfaction were my sunshine, water and air. See the difference? That intensity cannot be manufactured, but rather must be cultivated. The first step in that is to communicate well with each other about desires and limits, but education is helpful too. Read about domination. Submit to a powerful and experienced woman. Find your local kink groups and go to a munch or lecture. You can never know it all, or too much. But then get back to yourself. None of it means anything if you don't figure out what you want.

That is a lot to to think about, but I will do my homework. Is it possible to be dominate with one woman and submissive with another or even within the same interaction? Should I focus on be submissive to become better at being dominate later? Or does that even matter?
After this I promise not to pick your brain just on GP anymore.
 

AlteredEgo

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That is a lot to to think about, but I will do my homework. Is it possible to be dominate with one woman and submissive with another or even within the same interaction? Should I focus on be submissive to become better at being dominate later? Or does that even matter?
After this I promise not to pick your brain just on GP anymore.
Yes, it is possible to be dominant with one partner and submissive with another, and to trade roles during an encounter. While I have personally found that the best dominant partners have spent time as someone's sub and in some cases consider themselves to be switch, not everyone agrees with me that seeing how the other half lives so to speak is important. I also know, however, that part of what makes me an excellent sub is my plentiful experience dominating others, and that taking the submissive role helped improve my skills as a dominant too.
 
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Scarletbegonia

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That is a lot to to think about, but I will do my homework. Is it possible to be dominate with one woman and submissive with another or even within the same interaction? Should I focus on be submissive to become better at being dominate later? Or does that even matter?
After this I promise not to pick your brain just on GP anymore.

Yep. Look up "switch" and "service top."