Growing up I had crushes on girls but also had a dirty little secret, a big cock fetish. I never felt worthy of a girls admiration or love because of the shame of a 16 yo guy masturbating in front of me at age 11. The adrenalin rush was like crack. I never could get it out of my mind. I've gone through gay bars all through my 30 and early 40's, had one tumultuous 1.5 yr relationship with a guy and several short relationships with women(only when pursued). After getting rejected by women quite a lot in my 20's I started going to gay bars and getting told by gay men what I needed to hear from women but never did. At age 50, my cock fetish has waned quite a lot. I would like to be in love with a woman, but have been so turned off by the conniving, manipulative, and cunning nature of the women of my past that I don't know if the woman I could fall in love with exists. Can anyone out there identify or give me some advice?