What are the usual limitations on a open relationship?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by mr_ocean, Nov 18, 2011.

  1. mr_ocean

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2011
    Messages:
    36
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    NY
    Verified:
    Photo
    I asked a question in another forum and it was suggested I post it here. I did search the forums but I saw nothing or maybe I justed searched in the wrong area, lol, but here is my question:

    For those in open relationships, are there times where you have told your significant other no to seeing another person, or what would be something that would prevent you from allowing your significant other to see them. I was curious, but never asked anyone.
     
  2. Willifred

    Willifred New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 5, 2011
    Messages:
    222
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    London
    If you're in an open relationship, and you want that existing relationship to survive, it would be wise to listen to a partner if they didn't want you to do something.

    It's about respecting the others views/feelings. If you don't want them to do something, then they shouldn't really do it.
     
  3. Bbucko

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2006
    Messages:
    7,413
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    58
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Sunny SoFla
    Open relationships are each negotiated separately, and the rules are subject to revision. None of my relationships stared open, but none ended closed. I've been with couples that follow extreme rules (like no kissing, WTF?) and other that seemed to have few if any.

    When I was in my mid-20s, I was in one where the only real rule was that I'd never take time away from the time usually spent together. In my late 20s, I was in another, and the main rule was that we only ever played together and that each had to agree before anything happened (he broke those rules once or twice).

    I was in one where we'd do whatever we wanted so long as the other never knew and we never discussed it. IMO, that was the least healthy way to conduct an open relationship, especially when he was so insanely indiscreet; it led to some equally brazen moves on my part.

    If I'm ever in another LTR, it'll most probably be negotiated open right from the start.
     
  4. mr_ocean

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2011
    Messages:
    36
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    NY
    Verified:
    Photo
    This is all really great info and I think you both for you contributions. When I think of an open relationship my mind creates this generalization, which limits the real variety that exist in an open relationships. I can safely assume all relationships have boundaries. It is only in a open relationship where the boundaries expand beyond the traditional view of two people being monogamous. I am certainly looking forward to other comments on the subject.
     
  5. B_chinagirl4u2

    B_chinagirl4u2 New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2011
    Messages:
    568
    Likes Received:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Hainan
    I'm not sure you will get a single definitive answer to this as theres so much variation in "open"
    In our relationship we talk about everything to each other,there is no taboo subject. We never force the other to do something or not to do something.
    For example if want some guy for a 3 some but hubby doent like him, then I'll see him alone and visa versa.
    To be honest that doesn't happen very often though.
    But to answer your question..no we never say "you cant see him/her or them, however we are free to say "I wont see them" or "I dont want sex with her/him them"
     
  6. MelbourneGirl

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 1, 2011
    Messages:
    145
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    172
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Down Under
    Verified:
    Photo
    Our rule is about respecting each other. That's it.
     
  7. D_Fiona_Farvel

    D_Fiona_Farvel Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2007
    Messages:
    3,790
    Likes Received:
    17
    My answer to the question is no.

    However, there is an opening for one to object, because the important thing is respect for the partner and primary relationship. If there were attempts to undermine the relationship, or general insanity, from an outside party that only one partner noticed, I would respect my partner if s/he objected with sound reasoning because I would deeply trust in their insight and care.
     
  8. mr_ocean

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2011
    Messages:
    36
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    NY
    Verified:
    Photo
    Just a quick follow up question. In a closed relationship they define sexual intimacy as an important construct on a relationship, hence the idea sex should be reserved for the individual couple for the purpose of demostrating commitment. Is there a similar idea of sexual commitment in an open relationship. For example, if you significant other spent more time with another person then you even though you were in committed relationship does create a problem. Do people ever find themselves drifting to another person do to that personal connection.
     
  9. dandelion

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 25, 2009
    Messages:
    7,882
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    598
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    UK
    Verified:
    Photo
    The statistics say there is virtually no such thing as a monogamous relationship. People cheat. The traditional idea of marriage is that the wife is imprisoned and cannot escape from her husband. A legally sanctioned prison. Over the years this has eroded to a loose and equal sided contract, because unless you are happy to use force or coercion, a couple will only stay together because they want to. So then its up to you. You have to decide what is worthwhile for you, and your partner likewise. If you cant stand that he she or it is also having some sort of relationship with another person then maybe you are in the wrong place. If you dont mind, then thats fine. It is probably simpler if you get it clear where each of you stands before stuff happens, but it is a difficult subject to talk about. I remember once having this conversation with someone and I totally failed to understand what he was trying to edge round to. Shame really, I probably missed some fun. But that is my reaction.
     
  10. D_Kitten_Kaboodle

    D_Kitten_Kaboodle Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2010
    Messages:
    4,322
    Likes Received:
    39
    In answer to your OP, my husband and I have only recently (within the last year and half) started 'experimenting' outside our bedroom.

    We have 3 simple rules.. honest and open communication being paramount.

    At this time, he chooses not to play.... he's unique and rare (I have a blog that explains our situation).

    The only thing that would cause my husband to ask me not to see a guy would be if I began to get emotionally connected to him (as in 'feelings of love'). I expect that one day (maybe even soon) our sexperiences will end and I will have no problem at all walking away.
     
  11. Charles Finn

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2006
    Messages:
    2,538
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    29
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Toledo Ohio
    i have more to tell than i can post here i am 44 in an open rel with a 77 yo man and the happiest i have ever been
     
  12. wappingite

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 2, 2006
    Messages:
    770
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    38
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    London (GB)
    Verified:
    Photo
    I've been in a 15+ year relationship which has been open for the majority of the time. Like others have said, it's really up to the two people to negotiate their own set of rules. We look at it very rationally and realise it's something that can change over time depending upon how we both feel and what we want.

    At a very high level, this is our "rulebook"
    -Don't shit where you eat: no one from work, no friends, no friends of friends, no neighbours. It has to be disconnected from the rest of our social and professional lives as a couple. If you think people are "open-minded" about this, you are fooling yourself. It's no one else's business, and people have big mouths.
    -No relationships. It's just about the sex. We're ok to have repeat encounters with other married or coupled fuck buds, but not singles.
    -We used to play only together, then only sometimes, then never. Now we go do our own separate things. It's just the way it evolved.
    -Safe only (duh). If we even happen to do anything ever that's higher risk, we have pledged to inform the other. We keep no secrets.
    -We get tested together for all STI's at least twice a year.
    -It shouldn't interfere with our time together. So it usually happens when one is out of town, or if the other has some kind of commitment in the evening to make free time.
    -Most importantly, we use our experiences to turn each other on. We don't forget to have sex with each other and still enjoy it.
     
  13. D_Kitten_Kaboodle

    D_Kitten_Kaboodle Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2010
    Messages:
    4,322
    Likes Received:
    39

    your guidelines sound very very much like mine... the last part is very important. The 'extra' sex is used to enhance our experiences...
     
Draft saved Draft deleted