What defines cheating?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by mintjulep, Feb 28, 2006.

  1. mintjulep

    mintjulep New Member

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    I caught my hubby in the middle of the night when he thought I was asleep, looking at hot chics on a biker web site. He was strokin' to boot. It stabbed me in the heart cause he always professed I was his whole life and there was no one but me, I had no reason to doubt. I told him how much it bothered me because I'm not young anymore and have become self conscious about that. I know I'm still attractive and in good, but not great shape. He apologized for hurting me. Well, something similar happened a second time just recently, although I found out by accident when he forgot to clear his autocomplete and viola, clicked on the strange site and bingo.

    I was asked in the Lounge the A.M. if I was faithful. I said yes, but I don't feel faithful since I'm sneeking here to play and look. I just got mad at hubby and thought if he's going to continue, I'm not sitting on the sidelines like a fool. I still feel like I'm cheating on him without being with another man. I feel like he'd be furious if he found out what I was up to. BTW, I'm more than willing to watch porno with him, I'd even stroke him while he's lookin at the biker chics to please him......I just feel betrayed because he's doing it behind my back

    What do you all think is "cheating"? Are you like Clinton: "I never had sex with that woman!" so that's supposed to be ok?
     
  2. Lex

    Lex
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    We discussed cheating some time ago and I was unable to find the link to that older thread. I think that jerking off to pictures is a pretty normal thing to do. Masturbation and fantasy are healthy aspects of life. To me, cheating is having emotional and/or sexual relations with another person behind your partner's back (i.e., without their knowledge).

    I am married and have a BF. My wife and I have a Mixed Orientation Marriage and my BF creates what is called a Closed Loop. I am never cheating on her as she knows when I am with my BF and he knows when I am with her. Freddie and I have talked about Biblical implications of this in regardsing to Abraham and Sarah.

    The larger issue (to me) is really the age old addage of "the wife finds the hubby's porn videos, magazines, etc. and becomes furious/hurt." I know many women who are threatened by these things. I have never understood it. I have a Xerox box of porn and a few gigs on my computer. My wife knows where it is and she uses it when she feels the need to. Sometimes we watch together.

    The idea that any one person will ever be SO amazing that their partner never looks at or thinks about another person is really unattainable.
     
  3. RideRocket

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    Here's a suggestion - Get a porno and surprise him with it. Then after you've had hot kinky sex, open up a conversation with him about how you feel betrayed when he does those things behind your back. Tell him you want to be a part of his sexual experiences. Ask him what his fantasies are. You sound pretty open-minded, so if he's shy/embarrassed to admit, tell him one of yours.

    For what it's worth though, I would dare say most (if not all) married men still masturbate. It's nothing against you (the spouse), but guys enjoy their own 'private' time. If you've read 'Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus,' it's the equivalent of men going into their cave.


    _______________
    Talk quick though, because we guys only can stay awake for so long after sex ya know!
     
  4. Chuck64

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    Here's my take on all of this:

    Fantasy and masturbation are part of being human. We need all kinds of stimulation. There's nothing wrong with looking at porn - even on a website like this where you can get to know the person in the pictures.

    I think there is such a thing as emotional cheating. It really depends on what you're doing on the site and how often you do it with the same people. How deep is your connection with the people you look at, chat with, etc?

    I chat with a few people on this site from time to time. Some of it is even a little sexual, but it's just playful flirting. As long as you both know you're not going to cross the line, it's fine. You know your relationship. You know where the line is.

    OK. I took forever putting together my thoughts, so I'm sure you got your answer already.
     
  5. mintjulep

    mintjulep New Member

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    I'm not going to challenge any replies, I'm very interested in listening to what all have to say. I understand masterbating, do same myself. My husband is more shy than I, he seems a little nervous watching porno and having sex with me at same time..like akward or embarassed with it. We are both in our 50s. He has a little trouble now and then keeping it hard, like most older guys and especially after a few beers; and I look at his need to view these young gals in the photos as turning him on more than I am able to. That's why it bothers me.
     
  6. Lex

    Lex
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    I totally understand that. Also remember that prime sexual fantasies as marketed to us in the US push younger men (HOT BOYS) and women (TEEN GIRLS) as he ultimate sexual objects of desire---hence many straight men looking at younger women and many gay men looking for younger men to date and sleep with. it's also an esteem issue on his end--the fantasy that a woman 1/2 his age would want to be with him. The sword seems to cut both ways, it seems.

    Good luck.
     
  7. B_IanTheTall

    B_IanTheTall New Member

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    Touching, without consent of your partner(s), is cheating
    However, looking is OK.
     
  8. ChuckRich

    ChuckRich New Member

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    What particular actions and events qualify as cheating is different for each couple but in simplest terms, to me cheating is defined as anything you don't want your partner to know about because they'd be hurt or angry. If you're hiding it, it's because you know it's not okay in that relationship. There's some other factors to consider though: 1) was the offending partner aware the act would hurt the other and 2) the "cheatee" has to consider the alleged cheater's personal boundaries. For instance if you're with someone who's always considered masturbating a perfectly normal and acceptable part of their routine it's not really fair to expect them to suddenly feel guilty about it. It's one of the many ways that relationships are about compromising between your way of life and theirs.
     
  9. D_Elijah_MorganWood

    D_Elijah_MorganWood New Member

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    look at porn.
     
  10. ChuckRich

    ChuckRich New Member

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    Not blind men.
     
  11. Lex

    Lex
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    Yes Sir--you are correct.

    They have their mental images that they play in their heads. Same difference.
     
  12. silverqn

    silverqn New Member

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    :confused: I'm with riderocket on this one,
    Men are visual and opening up the lines of comunication would be the ideal situation.
    But I'd also like you to ask yourself if this is a chick thing?
    What is it your really upset about?
    Maybe you've gained a few pounds or had a few children since you were married and we are not all 20 forever, but for some reason that's all guys want to look at!
    I think you should take a breath and being the intellegent woman you are go about this in a different way ( especially since most men don't get out emotional side to begin with,,LOL)
    Maybe it's very simple and he just wanted a little jerky boy privacy?
    I'm a woman and sometimes I like it myself.
    Don't put the horse before the cart!
    Put the horse in the right perspective and don't take it personally,,look at it like a great oportunity to become closer!,, Maybe a few more new moves are in your future!
    Good luck with it dollbabes!
    :eek:)


     
  13. B_NineInchCock_160IQ

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    cheating is whatever is defined by the relationship as out-of-bounds. simple answer. If you don't know... then there's a communication issue. If you are doing something you think might be cheating and are afraid to ask... you probably are.

    I'd say that looking at pornography is for the most part pretty harmless. Chatting with real people online could potentially lead to something a whole lot worse. Maybe that's a little sexist, since men are usually more easily aroused by imagery while women tend to get off easier on the verbal... but there is always romance novels. Basically that's women's pornography for you...
     
  14. B_NineInchCock_160IQ

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    During my first relationship I was so completely in love with and committed to the girl I was with that I didn't. I threw out all the porn I had. I didn't even really look at other girls. But I'm not sure that level of obsession is healthy.
    Looking at pornography of course doesn't necessarily imply that a man is dissatsified with his current relationship. But it could lead to some dissatisfaction... if your partner doesn't measure up to the images that you are downloading. and of course most men would probably say that having sex with someone else wouldn't necessarily imply that they were dissatisfied with their current relationship. But that's more universally accepted as wrong.

    Anyway like I just said looking at pornographic materials for the most part seems pretty normal and is probably harmless... but it's not completely black and white. I think most women overreact to this stuff but I can also easily see how someone could be hurt by it.

    The whole concept of 'cheating' is only there in the first place to avoid hurting other people's feelings. So the definition of cheating depends a lot on how secure the people in the relationship are and what they are open to. But I wouldn't be logging on to this website as a means to even the score, so to speak. Or assuming that the two things cancel each other out. Thinking that way is dangerous. Both issues should be resolved independently.
     
  15. Dutchess

    Dutchess New Member

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    This is exactly how I found out about lpsg.org! My boyfriend was hanging around here, complimenting other girls about their bodies and chatting about sex with another girl while he was jerking off. He told me himself, maybe because he sensed that is wasnt right. So I read some posts here and was really hurt about the things he said to other girls, it felt like I wasn't good enough. I explained to him that sexchatting with girls feels like cheating to me. Watching 'anonymous porn' is fine with me, but this was a step to far. So he apologized and since he told me himself, we made up and talked about what we can and can't do on the internet. First I was still suspicious but he's really honest so I trust him again. He removed some painful posts here and now I'm on this board too!

    So I think cheating is when a real other girl is involved and it gets to a more personal level. Porn on the internet is ok, sexchatting with a girl while jerking off is something you can't do when you have a girlfriend IMO.
     
  16. Lex

    Lex
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    What if the sex chat keeps him from finding a person to have sex with?

    What if the fantasy keeps the reality at bay?

    Just some points to ponder.
     
  17. B_horribleperson

    B_horribleperson New Member

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    I dont know about your sex life but if you DONT HAVE ONE anymore then maybe you 2 may want to start it up. this may stop your hubby from looking at naked girls on the internet,
     
  18. Chuck64

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    I disagree, and I think it's unreasonable to require a guy to do so. Sexing him up on a regular basis may allow him to cut back, but he probably won't cut it out.
     
  19. Lex

    Lex
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    No, it won't. I have plenty of sex with both my partners and I still jerk off and cam. It's not about how much you get, per sea.
     
  20. Altairion

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    One quick note on this mint. I don't know if you've considered it, but besides younger men and women being the sexual focus of our society there could be another factor. You mentioned that your husband has problems now and then keeping it up, and maybe looking at porn allows him to fall back into his old habits of when he was younger and had full control of himself. He might just be longing for those days, and if that is the main factor, you shouldn't be worried at all about getting older. I know that this part might not be easy to get a straight answer out of him if you'd ask him directly, but it's a thought.
     
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