What do I do ... what should I do?

Discussion in 'New Member Introductions' started by Ecchi, Jan 21, 2005.

  1. Ecchi

    Ecchi New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2004
    Messages:
    230
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Northern Chicago, IL USA
    I think I've made it rather obvious ... I'm at least semi bi. But it's not something I can readily define or understand about myself, but it's some thing I sincerely feel the need to figure out.

    The thing is, I bring the subject to light, I have no idea how to properly address it, how to talk about it. I don't know if I'm afraid or nervous or what. I mean ... OK, I have Kris ... and she's, she's my world. I can't live, can't be without her, seriously ... her love is so warm and wonderful and just something I could never be without. So having someone like that, I guess I ask myself, why do I wish for anything else? But ... I don't even think thats the best way to put it.

    Goddammit I'm rambling ....

    It's not that I care about being 'out', it's not that I care what people think of my choice. The problem is, there are sexual fantasies I have involving guys ... but I've only ever found certain guys remotely attractive. That and emotionally, psychologically, Kris gives me all the support and strength I could ever need ... but I wouldn't want to leave anyone I shared a bed with emotionally out in the cold ...



    Is anyone seeing how this is exasperating to me? I guess I just want help ... advice ... something ... some understanding of what I should do ... what is going on inside me, what it means. I understand it but I don't, for whatever sense that makes.
     
  2. yaoifun

    yaoifun New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2005
    Messages:
    783
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Northeastern US
    Hey hey it's alright. First of all try to calm down there plenty of people here to support you. Try to sort out your feelings, and dont do or say anything that might cahnge your life. It seems to me you need to do some serious thinking. Clarify this...are you thinking of breaking up with her or thinking of telling her your bi/gay? Or is it something totally different? Don't worry about rambling, your just letting out your feelings. Its totally understandable. Let it out as much as you need to don't leave anything out that you think shouldn't be left out. were all here for ya ok? We'll make sure you make it through this tough time.
     
  3. Pappy

    Pappy Member

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2004
    Messages:
    2,416
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Outta Here
    Ecchi, you said that these are fantasies. It's ok to have fantasies but, I think that maybe you have these feelings because maybe you missed out on the experimenting when you were younger. Did you and any of your friends fool around or j/o together?? Maybe fondle each other?? If not it may be that you're missing those experiences and thus turning them into fantasy. If everything is good in your relationship with Kris then maybe it is just pure fantasy but I doubt it. I think maybe you just need to experiment and get it out of your system. Just my 2 cents.
     
  4. Ecchi

    Ecchi New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2004
    Messages:
    230
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Northern Chicago, IL USA
    To yaoi ... I have no intentions of breaking up with Kris ... she's well aware I'm bi, and she's well aware it's something I want to explore more. Me and Kris are as close to married as you can get and I have no intention of leaving her ... She just fills me in alot of important ways. But no, this isn't a matter of breaking up with her, or telling her ... and thank you for for being supportive of me ... it's really very helpful ....

    To Pappy ... I never experimented in any way shape or form with anyone when I was younger. I didn't really have alot of friends at all ... maybe one or two guys who I considered friends, but ... it was something I never did, and looking back, never thought of doing, not even close. I literally had no intimate contact with another person till I was 19, when I lost my virginity. Yea, I know, sounds crazy, but it's true. But your ideas make alot of sense to me, Pappy ... nonetheless ... I dunno, I've just never been close to that many people in my life. I don't mean to sound so ... I guess desolate would be the word, but, that's how it was.

    I'm not good at being social anyway ...
     
  5. ziggity

    ziggity New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 14, 2005
    Messages:
    193
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    bay area CA
    sad, ecchi.. :\

    i think pappy is right and you need to explore that part of you in order to be comfortable with it and to come to grips with it, so you can move on. makes a lot of sense.
     
  6. Ecchi

    Ecchi New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2004
    Messages:
    230
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Northern Chicago, IL USA
    I don't really disagree with Pappy at all ...

    Thing is ... like I said ... I'm really not good at being social at all. Face to face, unless I'm talking to someone I've known for literally years, I can barely get a word out of my mouth because of my merciless social phobias. I have no idea how to have genuine conversation, even people who know me well and love me have told me my social skills are lacking. I really have absolutely zero clue how to go about this ...

    I'm sorry I'm making excuses here ... but ... at this point in my life I really have no male friends in r/l ... I'm just really at a loss here. I'm sorry ....
     
  7. surferboy

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2005
    Messages:
    3,182
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    9
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Sunrise, Florida
    Interesting you call it choice...In my opinion, we're all born with our sexuality, it just takes time for it to awaken. Also, I don't belive anyone is 100% straight or 100% gay. But again, that's just my opinion.
     
  8. madame_zora

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 5, 2004
    Messages:
    10,252
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ohio
    Ecchi, I guess the thing that makes me curious is how do you feel about sex with Kris? I mean, you talk about emotional fulfillment, but sexually only, how do you feel? I'm glad she already knows you are bi, at least that's out in the open. If you are having fantasies you want to explore, then perhaps that is something you must do. If you are saying you want to explore your fantasies but you don't want to or know how to meet men, I don't know what you want from us. You have set up an impossible task, I don't know if you are aware of that. An unsolvable riddle may be a defense mechanism, but I doubt it will bring you joy. You need to decide either to go with the fantasy exploration, or to stay with just Kris and be happy with what you have. Either way, you are always free to enjoy fantasy in your own way, whether you bring it into reality or not. My only concern for you is that you don't just make yourself have sex with Kris just because you're too shy to go looking for a man, that would be mean to her. I don't know that that is what's happening, but I just wouldn't want to see it happen.

    I'm not sure I've grasped the situation fully, if you'd care to give a few more details I may be able to answer more appropriately. I believe wholeheartedly that everyone has a right to be happy, so I hope you find your way.
     
  9. Ecchi

    Ecchi New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2004
    Messages:
    230
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Northern Chicago, IL USA
    It's a fair enough question, Jana-hun ... but yes, I do, and always have enjoyed sex with Kris. In fact ... I dunno if it's what she does or that she just turns me on so well, but the orgasms she brings me to leave dizzy and with a ... 'floaty' feeling.



    *sigh* Why do you think I said sorry, Jana ... ? Because I know I'm putting up questions that no one but me can answer ... but I don't have enough internal strength and courage to answer them. I'm unfortunately the type of person that needs immense amounts of emotional/psychological hand-holding and support ... if I don't have that I fall apart FAST.

    I think that's something else that is paining me here ... I hate to be reminded of that fact ...

    I'm sorry everyone ... I'm trying, but these things don't come easy ... I really am sorry.
     
  10. mistergrasso

    mistergrasso Member

    Joined:
    May 17, 2004
    Messages:
    776
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    All over the place
    Dear Ecchi,

    First, you must stop apologizing. You have done nothing to offend or bother here. You may be carrying some guilt with you that leads you to say you're sorry but rambling in a post on a BLOG is probably not its cause.

    I think its possible that you might need to get some therapy. Writing things down for friends to read in a virtual world can be satisfying to a point but you might need to be saying them out loud to someone, someone who can respond in real time and in an appropriate way.

    That said, here are some questions and bits of advice. First, all of us in long term relationships fantasize. Desire is a powerful thing and it can't be driven out by sheer force of will. So, if your problem is that, while you are in love with Kris, you feel guilty about sexual feelings for others then it doesn't really matter what the gender make up is of your fantasy objects.

    However, I'm guessing that your issues run deeper than that. I'm guessing that you have serious feelings for other guys, guys you know and interact with. And that men dominate your sexual fantasies. And this leads you to wonder if you may in fact be gay. The floaty feeling you describe is not necessarily a spiritual thing. It is a fairly typical response to an orgasm. When you have sex with Kris, do you think about other guys? If so, does this feel wrong to you? Does it lead you to believe that maybe you are deceiving yourself and her? You see, I don't believe that you are in the state you are in because you missed out on a few youthful circle jerks. If that were the case, I don't think you would be here pouring out your heart and unable to express your truest feelings.

    Now, my saying these things is not meant to express that I think you are gay and somehow deluded. I would not, and could not from this vantage point, make such a judgement. But I think you must think that is the case. Which brings me back around to my original suggestion. Please, do yourself a favor and talk to someone. The shyness that you describe, your remove from those around you, sounds like you have built a psychological wall around yourself and that you live life from inside it. You seem to be able to observe yourself operating from within this keep and that is not a healthy way to live. Until you can break through that and really experience life, people, the world first hand, instead of watching your body go through the motions of life, your mind and heart will remain unsettled. And this is regardless of your sexual orientation or the status of your relationship with Kris.

    Please be well and know that you have the support of those here.

    Take care of yourself. (Take this literally, not merely as my way of signing off. Take care of your self.)
     
  11. madame_zora

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 5, 2004
    Messages:
    10,252
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ohio
    Ecchi, you have nothing whatsoever to apologise for! I was only trying to point out what I read in the hopes that it might help, I in no way wanted you to feel that you had bothered anyone at all, you certainly had not. We are here as friends for you, although you can't see us, there are many here who really do care (like me). The more we open up to each other, the more this truly is the support group it is intended to be, so thanks for giving us a reason to share with each other, it is commendable. Maybe this is a "first step" in talking to the people in your life who know you, I hope it is.

    Mistergrasso makes a good point that you may need to talk to someone in your real life, perhaps even a professional, to help get more clarity or perhaps more courage. It seems that your introversion may be a more serious thing than your sexual identity concerns. I would hate to see you not be able to address something that you seem to have support for because of extreme shyness. If Kris is comfortable with your sexuality and you are not, this is a problem. Do you have an agreement for monogamy in your realtionship with her? Maybe this is the cause for your concern. I feel that if you love her emotionally and are enjoying fulfilling sex with her, then your sexuality toward her is not finally the issue, but your fulfillment of "the other half" is. This is forever the dilemma of a bisexual person, that they may need sex with more than one person to feel complete. Open relationships are more complicated than they appear and a daunting undertaking even for the emotionally strong, so never hesitate to post any questions or concerns you have with us, I'm sure you know by now you will get a variety of opinions. I hope you will use these, along with your own insights, to draw strength in dealing with the issues that are troubling you.

    Be good to yourself, just as you are to others. You wouldn't like it if one of your close friends treated themselves badly, so at least think of yourself as one of your good friends. We do. Find a few things about yourself that you like and concentrate on these, this is how we grow self-esteem. I think this is primarily what will help your situation. Love ya, Ecchi, Jana
     
  12. Pene_Negro_Grande

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 27, 2004
    Messages:
    1,100
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Right Next To You
    Wow - you have a lot of internal issues to deal with...I kind of know how you feel a little - had similar thoughts when I was little younger too...But my friend - you might have to force yourself into social settings...I was extremely shy myself - so I know the internal demons you are dealing with...But luckily the right friends found me...Fantasies - are in my opinion healthy...I use them as a guide to what could be...Take care yourself and you are very lucky to have someone you are so open with and who probably understands and loves you unconditionally...
     
  13. Ecchi

    Ecchi New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2004
    Messages:
    230
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Northern Chicago, IL USA
    Kris' love for me is quite unconditional ... I mean it when I've found in her the person I want to live out my life with. I mean that in every way.

    I won't hesitate to admit, yes, there is a psychological wall around me ... and really the only people who do get in are the people who actively try. I don't find myself to be stubbornly antisocial ... just shy and afraid. Most of you probably know ... rejection hurts like absolute hell, and after so much rejection and loneliness, I just got to the point of, I'm not letting anyone in unless they really want in.

    Jana ... the reason I do that (apologize constantly) ... if I ever sense irritation or upsettedness in someone I'm speaking to, I usually immediately backpedal ... and keep backpeddling till I know it's safe for me to speak again. Yes that's weird as hell.

    Welcome to my screwed up mind.

    The subject of me and Kris' relationship ... ours is very open, obviously, since there is currently another young man staying here for awhile who Kris has become very close to, and apparently they've engaged in some heavy petting. I have no problem with this, so long as Kris as happy. She hasn't neglected our relationship so far, and we are still as sturdy as ever. She's told me ... she's fine with me exploring that side of me, so long as I am safe and comfortable.

    About seeking therapy or professional help ... I'm sorry folks, unless one of you wants to drag me there with a shotgun to my head ... NO. No more meds, no more psych wards, NO. Meds always make me sick, and psych wards take me away from the people I need most.



    I guess I came here because the people I see here, have so much more wisdom and experience than I do, and are far more socially active than I am. But I guess advice and guidance just can't help some things ... and as hard and painful as it is ... I need to get out more.

    And the minute I write that sentence, my mind gets clouded with a dozen 'but's .... Dammit.
     
  14. Pene_Negro_Grande

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 27, 2004
    Messages:
    1,100
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Right Next To You
    Yeah - I guess with your incredible shyness - you will need to work on yourself...All I can say is - anything is possible w/time...But mate - you got to get out there and interact...Plus Chicago is an incredibly fun city...Curious about the other person you spoke about...How does the other guy play in Kris and your relationship - sometimes that could be asking for trouble...I would love to hear more about that...But another way that I overcame my shyness was moving to a new city and giving myself a serious makeover...Moving may not be an option but I am telling you making some changes to your appearance and style sometimes can really make a difference w/confidence...You have a great opportunity to do that since you are not that socially active...I personally like to change my style up every year - I like to keep people guess...Good luck and I hope you find what you are looking for...
     
  15. Ecchi

    Ecchi New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2004
    Messages:
    230
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Northern Chicago, IL USA
    Hey now ... leave my style alone. Yea, I know, I don't have much ... jeans and t-shirt basically, wearing my hair long. I'm happy with the way I look. It's basic yes, but it suits me just fine. And I DO like Chicago ... I haven't seen it all, but seeing as I like sightseeing and shopping ... I'll get out more when the weather gets better (if you think I'm going out in 13 in. of snow ... no way).

    As for Kris as this other guy staying with us ... It's something the 3 of us have spoke about, and understand pretty well. He's very very different from me, and Kris needs him in a different way from how she needs me. And the only way me and Kris' relationship will end (according to her) is if I leave Her, because she's not about to let me go.

    I will say ... there is one guy I know who interests me immensely, I met him here on lpsg ... we've talked o/l alot ... spoken about meeting ... we have alot in common, and he seems to understand me well ... So I will see what happens there.


    Thank you again, everyone, for being so patient and understandng of me ... I know I'm a pain ...
     
  16. madame_zora

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 5, 2004
    Messages:
    10,252
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ohio

    *shoots Ecchi in the ass with a big rubber band*

    There, now you've been properly disciplined!

    Sounds like you are in a comfortably open relationship, I can't imagine a healthier atmosphere to explore your sexuality. Like I said before, it's not finally your sexuality but your shyness that is the problem. I know it's cold, no one's suggesting you hang out on the street, but get out of the house and have some fun! There are indoor activities, y'know. I am in a similar situation in that I moved recently and had to make new friends. It isn't easy, but the alternative of allowing myself to turn to mould was far worse. Take my word for it. Getting out really is the easier of the two.
     
  17. Knight-7x6

    Knight-7x6 New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2004
    Messages:
    295
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    England
    Okay Ecchi,

    I have sort of the same problem (social anxiety etc). I have these bouts of staying in for ages then I'll go out with my mates, then stay in. That is due to a number of factors. I'm on medication (that I stop taking when I want to CUM) and awaiting some psychiatric help. The thing is, there are certain events that have built up to this situation I find myself in now, although it is getting better. I know what these events were and that they're inconsequential but still I have certain hangups and anxieties etc.

    That's probably a sign that I need help that's deeper than what I can administer myself. Anyway, I've met a few girls and we've gotten along great. Then one day I've said 'babe, I don't feel so good, I like you a lot but I just think you're too good for me and I don't deserve you'. This has been her queue to cut off all contact with me, and doubt everything that I've ever said to her because I'm this one time not as great as she thought I was.

    Now when that happens it doesn't feel too great, I wouldn't want that to happen to you. However that was my wakeup call or cue to sort things out, eg go and meet the girl who is now my girlfriend, look for a job etc. It might take something like that but you do have to start going out places, meeting people. I know its hard but its what's needed. You also might want to try some therapy, our brains are wired certain ways and it is hard to undo that wiring, especially when doing so is going to take you out of your comfort zone.

    As for your sexuality it sounds like Kris is totally understanding, especially when you explain you just have certain curiosities that don't mean anything, and you'd be honoured if she'd want to be by your side while you explore them. Try not to worry so much and just do what you want to do.
     
  18. yaoifun

    yaoifun New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2005
    Messages:
    783
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Northeastern US
    Don't worry ecchi your not a pain at all! You just want advice and guidance, and thats what youll get ^_^ From the way you explained it, i don't think you and Kris can ever be torn apart, not even with your sexuality explorations or thoughts. She seems to love you dearly not only as a boyfriend but as a brother too. She will always look out for you no matter what. As for this guy, if you trust him, let him stay. Just keep an eye on the situation. Try going out more often though. to be honest i used to never EVER go out. It was so bad i would have panic attacks, and i actually passed out once (I came within inches of passing out a lot for a year in a half...it was actually suspected that i might have had a brain tumor, but lickily i didnt). I eventaully said enough, and slowly worked my way up to going out more to bigger places. I started with the supermarket (where i work now) and worked my way up. Now im fine going anywhere. I just think, ya gotta enjoy life while you can! If i pass out i pass out. Thats what hospitols are for! Just be perfectly open an dhonest with Kris. Im sure i will work out, just keep thinking positive about the situation. In no way are you a pain to any of us! We all care about your problems and are here to help sort your thoughts out. So don't worry ok? Well help no matter what! PM me if you need anything ok? Ill help as best as i can. I may not be on for a while, because I will prbably lose power (im about to get about 30 inches of snow. YAY!) But either way, its most important to take care of yourself right now, as was said before.
     
  19. jonb

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 5, 2002
    Messages:
    8,308
    Likes Received:
    2
    Well, Ecchi, if this younger man is also bi and you're attracted to each other, your problem's solved. If not, there's nothing wrong with you finding your own man; I doubt Kris would hold you to the same double standard which so many women are held to.
     
  20. mistergrasso

    mistergrasso Member

    Joined:
    May 17, 2004
    Messages:
    776
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    All over the place
    Well, Ecchi, you are certainly a complicated guy and this is a very complicated situation. But I am happy you have a guy you are interested in. Now, go give him a call and make a plan. See what happens. That's just what you need and what you want so don't be shy.

    Let us know how it went. Or not.
     
Draft saved Draft deleted