Originally posted by Ecchi@Jan 21 2005, 11:43 PM
I think I've made it rather obvious ... I'm at least semi bi. But it's not something I can readily define or understand about myself, but it's some thing I sincerely feel the need to figure out.
The thing is, I bring the subject to light, I have no idea how to properly address it, how to talk about it. I don't know if I'm afraid or nervous or what. I mean ... OK, I have Kris ... and she's, she's my world. I can't live, can't be without her, seriously ... her love is so warm and wonderful and just something I could never be without. So having someone like that, I guess I ask myself, why do I wish for anything else? But ... I don't even think thats the best way to put it.
Goddammit I'm rambling ....
It's not that I care about being 'out', it's not that I care what people think of my choice. The problem is, there are sexual fantasies I have involving guys ... but I've only ever found certain guys remotely attractive. That and emotionally, psychologically, Kris gives me all the support and strength I could ever need ... but I wouldn't want to leave anyone I shared a bed with emotionally out in the cold ...
Is anyone seeing how this is exasperating to me? I guess I just want help ... advice ... something ... some understanding of what I should do ... what is going on inside me, what it means. I understand it but I don't, for whatever sense that makes.
[post=276426]Quoted post[/post]
I have been gone for three days. I have skimmed all the responses and I may have missed a point or two. First all these people have offereed suggestions and they are good. Now listen to a guy who has been there, done, that and bought the t-shirt.
I am Bi. not 100% gay. I am married with three boys. The marraige is rock solid. But I fantasise about having a gay relationship. Part of it is I am like you. No one on this forum or in my real life have a clue as to my personality when I was in puberty. Shy is a mild term. I missed out of all the guy stuff as well as you did. There lies much of your problem as well as mine. I work with youth and go to all the youth meetings and am a male couselor. I have never so much as thought about making a pass at a high school boy. I just simply adore being in the cabin with that male bonding. And I know it is partly becasue I missed out as a kid. I am religious and I think God uses me. I try to help the guys that are having problems adjusting. After many years of working with youth and doing this, I am still a favorite youth couselor. I am the one that they guys come up and give big hugs to when they leave. It was my cabin that was disgignated the stay up cabin. Guys on the sly came to my cabin to play cards. This year I fell asleep before I had the last one asleep. I used to could out last them. Fortunately there was another male couselor. He slept one night and I slept the other. It worked out.
My point is that much of what you are feeling is a lack of male bondness. And apparently cirlcle jerks and other male activities like that are not considered gay or if they were then the vast majority of guys would be considered gay.
Before I married, I experimented with gay relationships, I had a choice. I decided to stay with my girl and forsake gay relationsihips. But I did explore at length two relationships with guys.
Let me be blunt. all guys fantasize about other people at some time or another even after a couple is married or has a relationship that means the same as a married relationship. Yes, some folks have times when they don't fantasize at all. But it is difficult for anyone not to notice a becautiful p;erosn in whom they fine attractive. For some that means they notice other girls, but they stay faithful to the woman in their relationship.
So, I would definitely explore your male relationships to find out how you really feel. Some of my best male relationships I have never had a longing for a sexual relationship. But some males I do.
I wouldn't come out in any way to the pubic. Why? You dont' understand yourself. If you can afford it and can visit a counselor, that would help. But counselors, even, pschologists, don't agree about sexual orieintation and how do approach relatinships.
You need to find out one way or the other what your relationships are going to be. Remember just fantasy alone doesn't indicate a problem. I agree that you need to discover what you are thinnking about when you shave sex with your girlgriend. That may answer your question. If you are fantasizing about a guy when you are having sex with your girl friend, you already have your answer about orientation. But that doesn't mean that you can't have a full and wonderuful marriage. It all depends on what your girlfirend is willing to accept and what you are willing to share.
Fwell free to e-mail or pm me about all of this. I have been there and still am. So I understand very much. But my wife is clueless about my fantasies. We both agreed that past relationships and fantiasies did not need to be discussed with each other. I in my heart agreed to keep fantasies in my mind and not act them out. I have done that. I never said I woudn't thin about somehone else. I just agreed to forsake all others. There is a major difference.
I know how you feel about rambling. That is what I feel like I have done. It is hard to put these thoguth in a clear precicee manner.
i would trade the life I have had and my sons just to live out my fantasies. I wouldn't trade my wife in for one of those fantasies either. But life is not fair. As what was the name of the person who life would be fair?
After all my ramblings, this is is in a nutshell: Do what you have to do to find out what your relationship with guys is. If you have to date one or tow and even sleep with them to find out, then you must do what you have to do. Just use protection and be safe.
As for telling your girlfriend. Don't outright lie. But don't volunteer information that you haven't been ask to tell either. Srue tell, her you need to spend some time with guys because of your lack of male bonding as a young teenager. Tell what she asks. She probbly doesn't want the details. She just wants to know you will share them if she asks.
Agian, my heart goes out to you. I know exactly how you feel. But what was right for me may not be right for you. I can't say. But at least you know now that there is a guy that totally understands and I ahve had extensive trainging in working with youth primarily. This learning has come from workshopts But workshops do add up and after a while, all of this learning does earn my the title professioonal. And all the other posters so far have had to say if I were in your posstion which i am not. I can say, I am in your position and live it every day. Some of my comments here are long. I won't repeat them here.
Please contanct me if you wish. And just pour your feelings out. Together I may can give you the help you need.
And for the record, I have not revealed where I live and if you choose to let me be a friend to help you, pelase do not tell where you live. YOu can be more open and honest that way. And neither of us will feel like the other wants something
more.
I keep writing because boy do I really understand. I have lived this for decades now.
