What do i say to a friend who has been raped?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by galaxus, May 7, 2008.

  1. galaxus

    galaxus Member

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    You guys already know my problems with a friend mine already. Here is one of the threads i started about her http://www.lpsg.org/85655-i-think-i-m-turning.html.

    We both decided that we would take a break from each other, but before we did that, she told me she was raped by a cousin back in high school. She said she doesn't talk to anyone about it. Not to her parents (they don't know), not even to her shakey boyfriend (he knows).

    I told her that she could talk to me anytime about it. I told her that it would help if she got counseling. I told i even had counseling when the relationship between me and my parents turned nasty and violent. She says it bothers her somtimes.

    What should I do? Should I make her talk about it? Should I honor break I wanted?
     
  2. goodwood

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    Gosh galaxus, I am sorry to hear of this. My sister was drugged, kidnapped and raped and when she was finally released I just grabbed her, hugged her and let her sob and tell her that I loved her.
    It is difficult to fathom the damage that being raped causes to a person. I think it makes a person feel worse than worse, less than anything that should exist, much less be cared for and loved. I would encourage you to be sensitive to her (which of course you are) and ask her to talk about it.
    Not talking about it seems to be the natural response to such a traumatic event but not talking about it causes a great deal more damage later on.
    I wish her well. And you.
     
  3. marleyisalegend

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    honor the break you honored, you've extended your hand and put the offer on the table. good friends talk about their problems, GREAT friends give space until the party is READY to discuss their problems
     
  4. galaxus

    galaxus Member

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    thanx 4 responding goodwood. u too marley.

    how did your sister feel a couple years later. my friend feels apathetic about many things and many people. Even me somtimes. but she always comes back to me and apologizes.
     
  5. flowermaiden

    flowermaiden Well-Known Member

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    hm........... well if she seems comfortable to talk to you then let her.... did you say here b/f know about it or knows the cousin?
    all i can say is that she's old enough to make up her mind to do something about it if she wants to take some action..........maybe she's not the only one that its happened too , but couldnt make it stick...........
    when it happened to me......... i was molestered when i was 5 by my teenage cousin.............. well.............. my mum talked to his mum who naturally denied it........... so nothing was done considering i was 5......... we ended up moving away .. along way away.......... i have never been close to that side of the family . ever again..........


    the thing is......... this guy..... her cousin. is a creep. he could have any s.t.d's she really need to get to a Dr if she already hasnt.......

    the thing with anything like this is that you can get an "over emotional attachment" to someone - anyone ( a sexual relationship , to fill a void )
    or go the opposite............. I didnt have a sexual relationship until i was 21 - i had lots of guy friends (i guess when they're your friends they ARE NOT your boyfriends)

    as far as your holiday .............. maybe invite her......... get her away from everything and everyone............ let her sort her self out............. but let her do her own thing............ dont be her crutch!

    certainly you need some r& r too

    but the family should know
    the b/f should know too............ maybe he'll sort this guy out for her.......... but either way she need his support........... which she's been getting from you

    hope this helps
    kim
     
  6. galaxus

    galaxus Member

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    thanx kim

    her boyfriend knows about it. I don't know why she doesn't want talk about it with him.

    i don't know how close she is with her cousin. i don't if they live in the same city or they keep in contact or what...

    i think it happened only once and it was in highschool. we're in our 3rd year in college now.
     
  7. goodwood

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    Marley does make a good point. It is important to allow the space. We have all had times when we need friends to allow us to experience our own feelings and when we want to get them out, we know that our friends will be there to listen.
    galaxus - my sister ten years later is still not able to deal with what happened to her.
    It is odd to me that someone who is in such need of counseling refuses it so absolutely. I don't know what to say.
     
  8. marleyisalegend

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    its the same thing as an alcoholic who doesn't think their violent outbursts and sexual indisrections warrant a few sofa sessions. until the alcohoic acknowledges that there's a problem that needs to be dealt with and not surpressed, all the urging and prodding in the world will do no good. being a friend is equal parts helping your friend when they're down and letting them lay there so they learn to get up on their own.
     
  9. goodwood

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    its the same thing as an alcoholic who doesn't think their violent outbursts and sexual indisrections warrant a few sofa sessions. until the alcohoic acknowledges that there's a problem that needs to be dealt with and not surpressed, all the urging and prodding in the world will do no good. being a friend is equal parts helping your friend when they're down and letting them lay there so they learn to get up on their own.

    marley- you seem to have a good handle on things. I guess you're right. It is just a difficult thing to see someone in such pain and want to help them and not be able to make it better.
     
  10. marleyisalegend

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    i've dealt with lots of different experiences in my twenty years and so have some of my friends so this topic is close to me. as a friend you wanna be the superhero that comes in and makes everything okay, that's what makes you a friend, caring about them. however the reality of the world is that some people take a long time addressing their own issues, some never do. if it begins to look like you're friend is completely ignoring something that has affected her, consider discussing it further. on the other end of the spectrum, some people are just strong by nature. my friend mae brought home a date that tried to rape her then, after he left, she realized that he'd stolen half her rent money. the next night we were at the club voguing to house music. some people have the natural strength to not let bad situations that affect them. even situations that seem overly traumatic or damaging. if what happened to mae happened to me, i'd have pretending every thing was okay (one thing people are good at is pretending everything's fine, that's why suicide is sometimes a ghastly surprise) but internally i would've developed severe paranoia and stopped dating for a year. i don't know your friend so she may be strong, she may be surpressing it. continue observing her,, as i'm sure you'll do because you sound very caring, and when you think you have an idea of which side of the fence she's on, take further action (or none if its not necessary).
     
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