What do they think?

Kimahri

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Hey guys.

I'm figuring you guys will have a better idea than I will on this. First, I've always been gay. Never identified it until I was 19 because I acted nothing like the so call typical gay guy. I was bullied until I was 13, then had nerd rage on the bully at 13 and promptly nerd raged on anyone that came across me. I've played a team sport and been in a fraternity though. In most respects, I'm a regular guy save whom I sleep with.

How does that make me unable to be a buddy to a straight guy? None have ever said why, just that we couldn't be buddies because I'm gay.

Just looking for input to sort through.
 
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Probably out of fear of being labeled "gay by association". Insecure straight guys avoid "looking" gay by all means..


Sad but probably true.

My previous line of work it was something you avoided if at all possible and kept people at arms length if they were suspected of being gay (military during the DADT era). The few guys that i did know or suspect that were gay, I generally maintained a professional relationship with to avoid bullshit if they decided to come out (big problem in the early 90's).

Fast forward quite a few years and in at least two cases we are friends now.
 

socalfreak

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Probably out of fear of being labeled "gay by association". Insecure straight guys avoid "looking" gay by all means..

Hmm..... well.... it could be that..... OR .... maybe people are tired of your " nerd rage" routine . Maybe your just an angry, insecure little creep and nobody wants to be around you for that . ( I don't know if you are a jerk. I'm just throwing up the possibility. Not all guys are homophobes . )
I hope you get it sorted out.
 

twoton

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Beats me. I've never had any (out) gay friends.

Seriously. There were closeted gay guys that I hung out with in college but I didn't know they were gay until just before graduation. My wife's girlfriend said, "You didn't know Bill was gay?"
Me: "No."
Her friend: "How could you not have known? All his friends in the weight room were gay."
Me: "Seriously?"
Her friend: "How could you not have known? Did you know Jim was gay?"
Me: "No."
Her friend: "Really? Steve and Jim are living together."
Me: "They are?"
My wife: "Don't you remember the party at their apartment?"
Me: "You went without me."
My wife: "Bill and Mike are a couple, too."
Me: "Why didn't anyone tell me?"
 

Kimahri

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Hmm..... well.... it could be that..... OR .... maybe people are tired of your " nerd rage" routine . Maybe your just an angry, insecure little creep and nobody wants to be around you for that . ( I don't know if you are a jerk. I'm just throwing up the possibility. Not all guys are homophobes . )
I hope you get it sorted out.

Interesting take. As I reread my original post I wondered how you got an implication that I thought all guys are homophobes. I saw a common behavior that I didn't get, so I asked about it.
 

StraighTop

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Unless you are fatally miserable to be around, I can see no reason for you to not have straight friends. It's actually beneficial to straight guys to have a gay friend. Lots of women go to gay bars to dance, have fun and not get hit on by douchebags; with a gay friend, guys can go there too and get hooked up. There is nothing better than a gay friend running game for you. All you have to do is sit there and smile.
 

G_ManCK

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When Kevin Clash (the Sesame Street creator and performer of ELMO) was alleged to have had sexual encounters with under age men/teens, I was sure that would have opened a can of worms for anti-gay activists, among the non-gay community, who have falsely associated being gay with child molestation. As if all gay human beings are child molesters at birth--we know that's not true. So I was glad through all of the media coverage with that scandal, it was never made into a 'gay' thing.

That goes to show how much of the perception about LGBTQ people has changed in our culture, even though we have a long way to go before a person's sexual orientation is not a factor.

I don't really know why you have been unable to engage in and sustain a platonic friendship as 'buddies' with non-gay males. My guess is because our culture still experiences, predominately, a continued negative stereotype concerning gays and gender-stereotypes. I mean, if a dog were to hang out significantly with a cat... there's no time that dog will become a cat or want to mate with a cat. It isn't hardwired that way. If more human beings understood that our sexual/gender orientation is something that is hardwired into us (and that there is no such thing as a 'typical-gay' person or 'typical-non-gay' person) that there's no right or wrong about any of it... we might get rid of some of these gender stereotypes. Because there's no reason what so ever that someone who is an openly gay male can't have a close, platonic "buddy" relationship with someone who is a non-gay male.

It might be helpful to evaluate the type of friends you attract in your life and hang around; and than figure out how to align yourself with males who are secure enough in their own gender identity, that they're comfortable with creating healthy platonic friendships with male individuals who happen to be gay. Especially in situations where you may indeed develop feelings/a crush/attraction for guy and he doesn't freak out upon catching on to it. I've never understood how other non-gay guys get so offended and grossed out even to think about being hit on or interests made by another guy who's gay. Why can't they just calmly, and with compassion, express that they are not interested and leave it at that?
 

GBB

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Unless you are fatally miserable to be around, I can see no reason for you to not have straight friends. It's actually beneficial to straight guys to have a gay friend. Lots of women go to gay bars to dance, have fun and not get hit on by douchebags; with a gay friend, guys can go there too and get hooked up. There is nothing better than a gay friend running game for you. All you have to do is sit there and smile.

das stimmt!
amen or what he said.

i have no problem with most gay men. there have been a few who hit on me, knew i didn't like it, and continued to make me uncomfortable even after a very direct "knock it off!"

those people should not be surprised by hostility - it's the last form of 'diplomacy'

its no different than a straight man pushing unwanted advances on a woman, eventually a negative response is required. and some people wont accept no for an answer.
 
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I don't think there should be an issue! I'm not saying there can't be, because some people are still hung up on the whole homophobia trip, but two of my close friends are gay and I even lived with one of them for two years! I have no problem with it. You're still a dude, you just have different attractions. We'd shoot the shit, he'd ask me about girls, I'd ask him about dudes. It seemed pretty normal to me.
 

D_Ida_Ho

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Just throwing this out there but what if they're afraid that you'll like them romantically over time or will let slip with some of the guy guy secrets to the women folk.
 

D_Ben_A_Fleck

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I hope nobody will object to my posting a reply here since I'm gay and not straight, but I really wanted to add something to the conversation.

For those younger readers, you can see the clip here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJz1f8hPRGc

FF to 1'23" for the famous explanation from Billy Crystal.

Do you suppose that this is a variant of the whole "When Harry Met Sally" conversation about why women and men can never just be friends, because the man will secretly really want to sleep with the woman? In this case, of course, the straight guys are presumably concerned that they can't really be friends with a gay guy because, being male, they know how guys are, and they are afraid that what the gay guy really secretly wants is to have sex with them.

Does that seem like a plausible explanation?