Well, I try to address things promptly so that anger doesn't enter the picture. When it does, it's because I choose anger, not because she "makes" me angry. Nobody "makes" anybody else angry. It's all about choices. When I do get angry, I have a tendency to talk a lot about it. A lot. An annoying, mind-numbing lot.
But I always try a joke first. Here's the progression, after the humor:
1. Would you mind not doing that? (Casual tone of voice)
2. When you do that, I feel... (Clear, conversational tone of voice)
3. Look, I really feel strongly about this. Would you please... (Still not in a raised voice, but making sure that we have made eye contact so that she is sure to understand how important it is to me.)
4. What follows next is a long discussion. It may become heated, or it may subside. I try, at all times, to listen, and not just with my ears and my mind. Real listening comes from the heart.
I do, occasionally, get royally pissed off, and about half the time I'm wrong, because it's a case of me carrying my issues to a conflict that really is about something else. It's almost always a case of my failure to set boundaries and maintain them in ways that are appropriate to the moment. Thank God I have at long last found a partner who is sensitive, attentive, caring, and flexible enough to put up with my shit.
Anyway, my life will never be absent of conflict. I try to remember that hardships really can be the pathway to peace.