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Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by dolfette, Jul 18, 2010.
and how do you want them to treat you when they're angry?
Shout or sulk.
Rarely at the same time though.
If I'm angry and we talk about it and obviously it cannot be resolved without more escalating emotions I normally separate myself from the situation and stop talking about whatever I'm angry about. I find it best to push the matter out of my mind. I hate arguing with anger involved. I find that most of the time the fact that I am not angry only makes the other person more angry until I get upset because he is angry. Yes, it's best for me to avoid these situations.
That pretty much covers what I was going to say too. I think we have raised our voices maybe three times in the ten years we have known each other.
I have a philosophy of what I'm willing to get bent out of shape over... Is is going to matter a year from now? If yes then I'm a tad more likely to get really passionate about the issue.
and if they're angry with you?
Opps missed that part,
I want him to leave me alone until he calms down. I tend to walk from room to room with him following me to get away. Anger is not an emotion I like to face.
Maybe I should elaborate. If he's angry but is speaking in a normal tone and rather calm about the situation I'm more than happy to sit there and work it out. Once voices are raised I want to get away from the situation.
He used to sulk, he has learned to express his feelings more openly since I pointed out that I'm not a mind reader.
I don't have a partner at the moment, but I swollow, cry inside and wish I had more character.
Well, I try to address things promptly so that anger doesn't enter the picture. When it does, it's because I choose anger, not because she "makes" me angry. Nobody "makes" anybody else angry. It's all about choices. When I do get angry, I have a tendency to talk a lot about it. A lot. An annoying, mind-numbing lot.
But I always try a joke first. Here's the progression, after the humor:
1. Would you mind not doing that? (Casual tone of voice)
2. When you do that, I feel... (Clear, conversational tone of voice)
3. Look, I really feel strongly about this. Would you please... (Still not in a raised voice, but making sure that we have made eye contact so that she is sure to understand how important it is to me.)
4. What follows next is a long discussion. It may become heated, or it may subside. I try, at all times, to listen, and not just with my ears and my mind. Real listening comes from the heart.
I do, occasionally, get royally pissed off, and about half the time I'm wrong, because it's a case of me carrying my issues to a conflict that really is about something else. It's almost always a case of my failure to set boundaries and maintain them in ways that are appropriate to the moment. Thank God I have at long last found a partner who is sensitive, attentive, caring, and flexible enough to put up with my shit.
Anyway, my life will never be absent of conflict. I try to remember that hardships really can be the pathway to peace.
My face gives me away when I am angry. In fact, people around me tend to realize before I do myself when I am pissed. If people start edging away from me warily, i need to take a moment and figure out whether something's the matter. Rarely do I need to shout because they are already cowering.
As for how others express it, I really do appreciate frankness and prefer to negotiate fairly, whatever horrid contortions my face may betray.
when I'm angry , I don't talk too much .. well it depends to the situation but generally I don't speak and I stop arguing..
that's the thing about me , if I lost my passion about something I just stop doing it,
so if I'm right about the fighting reason I'll probably go quiet and wait for the understanding
if that understanding never comes then there's nothing left to say right ?
and about treatment .. it changes
mentally , I prefer to be left alone and deal with the problem
but deep down I rather want my partner beside me, doesnt run away from problems kinda way
I go Mel Gibson....
That's me. I'm easily reached when I'm sulking though. It's better for the other person to approach me when I am sulky, rather than when I am ready to yell.
My husband sulks, but will usually be willing to have a rational discussion of any issues. He does not ignore me. He never raises his voice to me unless I am raising mine first. He also never, ever speaks while I am speaking. The reverse is not always true. I am trying to become more like he, however, it isn't an easy change.
I think it depends on how angry I really get.
If I'm pissed off, I'll usually just walk away into another room. If I'm really pissed off then I'll go for a walk outside until I can think somewhat more clearly.
If I'm livid, then I may shout back. But I've never ever believed that words said at the height of angry passion don't come from some secret part of the person's head and don't reflect some old grudge or suspicion. There are no such things as "words of anger" that can just be taken back: forgiven, yes, but rescinded, no.
So I choose my words with extreme care, especially if aroused by anger. I do not rant and I do not bait, but I can be very cutting in response to something deliberately meant to hurt me.
If I am furious then it's best to leave the room. I do not hit people (ever) but am not above breaking/throwing things; by this point, the relationship is in its death-throes anyway :wink:
"I just scream and yell until I get my way. It's called being a rage-a-oholic. My mommy told me it was the best way to win arguments when I was a little kid."
When I was young I used to shout - a lot. As I got older I realised I had a tendency to hurt people when I shouted, so I switched to sulking.
If they're angry I prefer them to talk to me about it, even if they're shouting.