What do you say in this situation (friend miscarried)

[B_Nicodemous]

I am not sure if this is the right place to post this, but in PMing petite, she felt this was the best place, so, here goes:

My best friend (beyond friend; he is seriously like a brother to me) and his wife found out Monday that she has misscarried what would have been their first child together.

They weren't too far along. This was the first ultrasound. She had started cramping a bit the night before (Thursday) and spotting. She has 2 kids from her previous relationship, and had miscarried twice before her first full term child, but those were futher along, and she said it was the most painful feeling ever, like being torn apart physically. This wasn't like that, so she was hopeful.

S__ (my best mate, I have been friends with him forever) this was going to be his first child (their first together, she has two from a previous marriage). So they went to the Dr. and the tech, who is usually jovial, got really quiet, and told them she couldn't find the baby. At all. She said there were three possibilities, but that one of them was miscarriage. So this was Fri. eve, and she (the tech) said for them to go across the way to have the higher tech ultrasound done. So they had to wait through the weekend, not knowing.

Monday they went in and it was confirmed; no baby. Apparently it was what is termed a "blighted ovum". Think still birth around the time of implantation. Her body was finally realizing something was wrong, so began shedding. The have given her meds to help abort the placenta. J__ (S__'s wife) is devastated. She was looking forward to this with S__. S__ feels like he was been hit by a truck.

They had told a bunch of people that they were expecting (posted it on facebook), which of course, wasn't probably the best idea, in the first trimester. So Monday they had the unenviable task of letting everyone know what had happened.

S__ lost it in his boss’s office, and took the rest of the day off. J__ has till Tuesday off (they work at a bank). What sucks more, according to him, is that all the coworkers were asking excitedly, "So papa; how's the baby! You must be so happy! Seeing it for the first time!”, and then having to tell them. J__ was already home, so thankfully she didn't have to hear that.

I know better than to suggest "well, you can try again soon" or any variation on that. Spoke with them Monday and tuesday night, and they said it was just nice knowing that I was here if/when they need me.

I debated on whether or not to post it, but figured, what the hell.

I would like to hear from anyone who has either gone through this (women and men both), either directly or indirectly (family, close friend). I am not sure if i am looking for advice on what to say, what not to say, or just needed to put it out there (and not in a blog that no one will read. Ok maybe no one will read this either, but it has a greater chance)

Thanks in advance.

Nico

And know i don't know how they are handling the other kids. Brave face? Complete collapse in front of them? How do you manage your own grief as well as a child's raw emotions?

 

[flame boy]

It feels like a tough situation and I have been in a similar position when a female friend of mine lost her baby very late in her pregnancy. Speaking from my personal experience I wanted to make sure I was there for her when it was wanted and to offer a shoulder to cry on. I didn't start conversations about the miscarriage and I only talked about it when it was brought up by her.

As you mentioned, your friends will value your support and being there for them. If they want to talk about it with you then let them bring it up. It's a very emotional and difficult time for them and I am sure they greatly appreciate your support.

 

[B_subgirrl]

I just don't know WHAT the right thing to say is. Just don't say 'it was for the best' or anything like that. I don't really think there IS a right thing to say, but knowing you, I doubt you'll say any of the WRONG things to say.

 

[B_curiousme01]

I think just listening may be the best thing at this time. Although, it does not involve words, it is comfort they need from family and friends. Offering kind words is always nice, but being there is most important. And the thing is, they CAN try again. AND THEY ARE FORTUNATE TO BE ABLE TO DO SO. Not everyone can. Although, I wouldn't say that to them...

 

[Hoss]

I had a wife that had this happen a few times when we were still married. She had many miscarriages that were mainly in the 1st trimester (5 times) and 2 times early in the 2nd. We handled it as well as any can. The most devastating was the miscarriage which happened at the start in the 3rd trimester, she was happy, we were expecting bundle of happiness, she was showing, and then she began bleeding, turned ashen, and the pregnancy ended, the tiny fetus aborted before we reached the hospital and then there were complications resulting in her having a hysterectomy. The marriage disintegrated 2 yrs. later, ending a 9r. run, she did remarry a few yrs. after and adopted 2 boys, they're all still a happy family.

At the time, my wfe was inconsolable, I cursed God and hit the bottle big time having been dry and sober 8 yrs. Family and friends stayed with us, I mean they stayed with us in the house until we were ready to head forward. That's the crux here, be there, be whatever they want and need. Lend support, step back when they indicate they're feeling suffocated by all the hovering. Time will heal and ease the pain, just be there as needed.

 

[B_Nicodemous]

Thank you to everyone who has responded so far. I am trying to do all the things suggested. Actually i just am doing all the things suggested, what i am trying not ot do is say the wriong thing inadvertenly. I sometimes have that ole' open mouth insert whole body disease going on.:redface:

Hoss, I am so sorry to hear about you and your ex's loss. Thank you especially for the advice, and for showing it from the potential dad's viewpoint as well.

 

[RedScrotum]

"I'm sorry for your loss. I'm here for you"

 

[Something_Else]

Such a sad event for anyone that has experienced it, or knows of someone that has had a miscarriage.

From having expectations of having an expected child suddenly and tragically gone is a terrible feeling; to doubts and concern of what will be the next step to do; guilt in feeling that if they would have done this or that differently; and anger over why this happens to good people. All of these emotions and feelings are very real and very intense for the parents.

My sister had a miscarriage and I saw how one of the strongest people and self-assured individuals that I know become changed by this event. Definitely a heart-wrenching moment that left me, her brother, as powerless to help or protect her from the emotions that came, thereafter.

Ultimately, the best way to assist is to be there for them, physically. Emotionally there, physically present and just a person for them to lean on or shed a tear as they mourn their child's untimely death.

It is definitely an uncomfortable and awkward experience, but it will mean so much to them to know that they can lean on someone that empathize or at least has sincere, genuine concern for them.

So, my suggestion is really to be there with them. Spend time with them. And engage in things that remind them the beauty of life; especially at this time when they may develop a jaded view of it.

At the end, life is still about connecting and the bonds we share. Remind them that you're in their corner and supportive of them as they manage their way through this emotional stretch.

 

[B_Nicodemous]

Such a sad event for anyone that has experienced it, or knows of someone that has had a miscarriage.

From having expectations of having an expected child suddenly and tragically gone is a terrible feeling; to doubts and concern of what will be the next step to do; guilt in feeling that if they would have done this or that differently; and anger over why this happens to good people. All of these emotions and feelings are very real and very intense for the parents.

My sister had a miscarriage and I saw how one of the strongest people and self-assured individuals that I know become changed by this event. Definitely a heart-wrenching moment that left me, her brother, as powerless to help or protect her from the emotions that came, thereafter.

Ultimately, the best way to assist is to be there for them, physically. Emotionally there, physically present and just a person for them to lean on or shed a tear as they mourn their child's untimely death.

It is definitely an uncomfortable and awkward experience, but it will mean so much to them to know that they can lean on someone that empathize or at least has sincere, genuine concern for them.

So, my suggestion is really to be there with them. Spend time with them. And engage in things that remind them the beauty of life; especially at this time when they may develop a jaded view of it.

At the end, life is still about connecting and the bonds we share. Remind them that you're in their corner and supportive of them as they manage their way through this emotional stretch.

Thank you so much. That suggestion of physically being there has come up a few times, and I am trying to do so as much as they will allow it. I have two sisters and I couldn't imagine how hard it would have been to see someone that close to you go through it. The closest I ever have experienced was when my Sis (the middle child, I am the youngest) learned her son had Autism. Not the same, but that mental death, of the person she thought he would be, the life he would have lived, was devastating to her, and my brother in law. I was there as they came to terms with the reality, and kept the ball rolling in his early intervention plan as they shut down. They eventually came around and now of course are his biggest advocates (aside from me!). Seeing how they shut down then, I wouldn't care to imagine what would have happened if they had lost him. My Sis sounds like yours; strong, determined, outgoing, vibrant. And she was reduced to a mere shadow of herself.

My condolences to you and yours (I don't know how long ago this happened, but still and all...) and thanks again.

 

[Something_Else]

You're welcome man. And my sister has continued to lean on her faith, very religious in that regard, as time has gone on. Additionally, she has used her motherly instincts and directed to being the most amazing aunt to my brother's kids. She has become much like a surrogate mother for them, in some ways; so the kids are very appreciative of that!

In regards to dealing with autism, I only know of one family friend that has undergone that. They're a private family and I know it concerns them, obviously. They worry about who will care for their youngest (whom is autistic) when they become much older. That said, because they have such beautiful kids that are caring and empathetic. It appears that the siblings are going to be the ones to provide some of that assistance, when/if that time arrives (oldest just finishing up college). The strength of family is evident in their instance. Again, having someone to lean on is the greatest gift during this challenging times.

Hope that you and your friend and wife are able to get through this together. I don't want to make it appear that things will be easy, because it may not be. Just understand that being there and being supportive is a step in the right direction.

Best of luck, man.

 

[petite]

Hoss, I can't imagine how painful that must have been and I am so sorry that you had to go through that. My heart goes out to you.

So, my suggestion is really to be there with them. Spend time with them. And engage in things that remind them the beauty of life; especially at this time when they may develop a jaded view of it.

I think that this is a beautiful thought.

Nico, I know that you'll say just the right thing when they need to hear it because you are so empathetic and sensitive and eloquent.

 

[Ed69]

This happened to my wife and I a few years back.Just knowing that our friends and family shared our pain was enough.No words were spoken,they brought us dinner,helped with house cleaning etc.Until we could function again and move on.I spent many nights just holding her and letting her cry out the pain while my own tears flowed.I still all these years later wonder what kind of person that little one would have been.

So when you next visit if the lawn looks shaggy offer to cut it,help wash a car.Just be there you realy don't have to say anything.

 

[art]

Treat it like a death in the family. Say you're so sorry for her loss, or whatever you feel is appropriate. Then be there for her, listen to her, take her out to lunch and talk of happier times. Please please please, don't say "it's all for the best," or "you're still young, you can try again" or anything like that. Grieve with her for the loss of this child, and celebrate with her if she conceives again.

 

[Bbucko]

I have two rules when friends experience loss on this magnitude:

1) Remind them that I'm here, I care, have been there (if I actually have) and that I'm always a phone call away: just call;

2) Aside from the briefest reference to a shared experience, I never mention it again. Their loss is never about me and I never try and co-opt it.

As we speak, I have three good friends who are dealing with their partners' end of life. That's what I've done, what I've always done, and what I'll continue to do: make myself available, then step gently away.

Grief is largely a solitary emotion. It takes a very strong person to share themselves at a time of grief, and even so.

 

[B_New End]

Don't do what Howard Stern did.

YouTube - Alison's Miscarriage on Howard Stern - Part 1 of 2

It is thought this is the reason he and his wife eventually divorced.

 

[maxcok]

I had a sibling this happened to (first trimester). They actually had a casket burial, though quietly with immediate family only and no funeral. I was surprised by the depth and intensity of their grief, but I supported them and did not question it. People react differently to loss.

I think you've done the essence of what you can here:

I know better than to suggest "well, you can try again soon" or any variation on that. Spoke with them Monday and tuesday night, and they said it was just nice knowing that I was here if/when they need me.

I would tell them how sorry you are for their grief and their loss, let them know you'd be glad to talk with them about it anytime, now or later, if they feel like talking, and ask if there's anything you can do for them. It sounds like you've already done that. Beyond that, I wouldn't dwell on it. Just be positive and upbeat without being annoyingly cheery, attentive without being overly intrusive, and continue let them know that you're there for them in unspoken ways. Maybe offering to do something like babysitting so they can have a night out, or offering to take them on a family outing would be appreciated? Just don't make a big honkin deal out of it.

It's okay to continue showing honest concern when you sense they're feeling down, but be positive, and let them take the initiative if they want to talk. For me, and maybe for lots of people, what I appreciate in times of grief is people letting me know they care, but being sensitive, respectful, and not dwelling on it - not giving me sad concerned looks and asking all the time "so, how are you doing"? What I appreciate most at those times is people acting normal.

 

[MrGoodDate]

My wife had 3 early term spontaneous abortions. It was found she was low on thyroid. She took thyroid, plus multivatins, plus lots of folic acid -- doctor recommended. That solved the problem for us.

 

[petite]

This is related to being supportive of your friends, but not directly related to what you should say to them. TheBoyfriend and I were talking about your thread today and I mentioned my parents. The divorce rate is higher among couples who experience the loss of a child. My own parents marriage did not survive the death of my sister. TheBoyfriend and I were talking about that and he told me that if we lost our child, he can easily imagine that no matter how much he loves me, I might be a constant reminder of his pain and he can imagine how that could become a wedge between us. I have no idea what you do with that knowledge, knowing that, how do you prevent the loss of a child from breaking up a marriage?

 

[B_Nicodemous]

In regards to dealing with autism, I only know of one family friend that has undergone that. They're a private family and I know it concerns them, obviously. They worry about who will care for their youngest (whom is autistic) when they become much older. That said, because they have such beautiful kids that are caring and empathetic. It appears that the siblings are going to be the ones to provide some of that assistance, when/if that time arrives (oldest just finishing up college). The strength of family is evident in their instance. Again, having someone to lean on is the greatest gift during this challenging times.

Hope that you and your friend and wife are able to get through this together. I don't want to make it appear that things will be easy, because it may not be. Just understand that being there and being supportive is a step in the right direction.

Best of luck, man.

Thanks, and I will send you some info for you friends with the autistic child that may help. It is in regards to setting up a Special Needs Trust, how to go about fining an attorney that specialises in them, and what they cando to offer some peice of mind for the future. I will send you a PM when I gather the info.

 

[B_Nicodemous]

Nico, I know that you'll say just the right thing when they need to hear it because you are so empathetic and sensitive and eloquent.

I think you give me more credit than I deserve, lol I will giv you sensitive and empathetic. Eloquent? That's hit and miss. :redface:Thanks though

This happened to my wife and I a few years back...So when you next visit if the lawn looks shaggy offer to cut it,help wash a car.Just be there you realy don't have to say anything.

I am so sorry for your loss. Advice I am following. Right now they are out of town with her parents. The trick is to be there with out them feeling like I am smothering them. Or being to chipper or mopey.

Please please please, don't say "it's all for the best," or "you're still young, you can try again" or anything like that. Grieve with her for the loss of this child, and celebrate with her if she conceives again.

Oh i can't stand it when people say things like that. They have already been told that by a few people and i swear i was thinking "WTF is wrong with you?" I guess they thought it was helpful, let's look t the brightside, but geez! They are mourning a child!