what do you think?

[iceman061278]

so I have a question concerning my sexuality because frankly I'm a little confused

I'm married to a knock-out woman. She turns me on in ways I never dreamed a woman could, and our sex is nothing short of mind-blowing each and every time. We just click like that...

But there's another side of me: the side that comes to this web site to drool over the pictures of the big, beautiful cocks. I get rock-hard erections just thinking about sucking a big, thick cock. I gave into this desire and found a guy with a big cock that was willing to let me "experiment" with these feelings. And I have to say that sucking off his huge meat was nothing short of amazing. Since I am an anal play lover as well, and have already found that I get off to having my wife fuck me with a strapon, I also had this guy fuck me in the ass. God, it was so much better to feel the heat of a real cock and the pulsating forces of his orgasm - so much so that, without even touching my cock, I had a nothing short of a mind-blowing orgasm from the experience. But that's where it ends: the thought of fucking a guy in the ass turns me off completely, so does the thought of kissing a guy or having him suck my dick... the minute I start to really think about the fact that I'm with a guy I get completely turned off. My only attraction seems to be to the cock itself and the feeling of it penetrating my asshole.

So does that make me gay, bisexual, what? I'm not sure because I'm not attracted to men - just attracted to the penis itself. And I can honestly say that, after all is said and done, sex with my wife is still the best.

What do you think?

 

[MisterMark]

The continuum of sexual orientation is vast. You don't have to fit into anyone else's definition of what makes you tick sexually. There are thousands, if not millions, of men out there who are mostly straight but enjoy looking at big cocks, and even sucking or getting fucked by a few of them occasionally.

You are in charge of defining your sexuality and your life. Don't let anyone tell you differently.

 

[jonb]

Yeah, it's called a modal distribution, and every trait has it. Kinsey never said that 10% of men were gay; he said 10% of men prefer sexual encounters with other men to sexual encounters with women. (Only 2% of men were completely turned off by women.) 18% were about even. The remaining 72% probably has a similar story; I'd guess about 6-10% might be completely turned off by other men.

The distribution with women was far more leptokurtic, but I can't remember the exact stats, except that only 4% of women preferred other women over men.

 

[BobLeeSwagger]

Does you wife know about the experiments with guys? I think she deserves to know, especially if you're receiving anal sex from a guy because that's a high risk act as far as sex goes.

Like the others said, you fall well within the spectrum of normal sexual desires. I would worry more about the who and how than the why.

 

[ponybilt]

Welcome to the group.

First, the self-loathing is something you'll work through. Because you're doing something that society has labelled "bad" you transfer those feelings to yourself. Human sexuality is multifarious. Self-definition is yours alone.

Second, I agree with Aloofman -- and I'll be blunt here: you are irresponsible for having (what you describe as unprotected) anal sex with a guy (did you even know him?) while continuing to have sex with your wife.

This is when the conduct of sexuality collides with the who of sexuality. What you did is unfair to your wife and unfair to everyone else you may see as a sexual partner.

 

[biguyinsocal]

I've had similar thoughts myself. I really enjoy sucking cock, but I'm not interested in an intimate relationship with a guy. The idea of kissing a guy is just foreign to me. I've never had a boyfriend per se and I kind of doubt I ever will. Luckily quite a few guys are OK with that!

I agree with the others. It would be unfair to keep these feelings from your wife, much less being with men behind her back. She already knows you like getting anal, so maybe she won't be that surprised?

 

[MisterMark]

I know you guys are trying to be helpful, but I think that iceman needs to get a handle on his own feelings before he can approach his wife about it. He probably should take extra care with the way he's having sex with guys, but I don't agree that his wife "deserves to know" all of the details about his feelings and activities.

If iceman is ready to tell her, then that's fine, but it sounds to me like he's never talked to anyone about this before. If talking openly about his feelings is something new to him, it might be awhile before he's ready to tell his wife.

 

[13788]

TripodMillenium: I remember that, for a while, I couldn't see myself with a guy except in the literal with him in a room doing something sexual nature.... I couldn't quite imagine actually feeling that way for a guy.....


But, during the long and difficult process into accepting myself.... ((society and such can really screw a guy up in the head... )) I got to a point where I started to think about it... I considered kissing a guy.... would I be alright with it? And it progressed to an eventual full awakening of how I really feel.... So that now I have come to the conclusion I have in my sig.....


So, what I'm saying is.... sometimes the caring just kinda has to "awaken" in you......


Now... as far as YOUR situation.... the way you describe it sounds like it doesn't really have anything locked away beyond that.... And that, as with all arrangements on the continuum, is fine....

But, I would recommend that you give it all serious thought..... no matter how much you may wanna just leave an idea be.... Because the only way you can know your own orientation is to KNOW it yourself.... so do some soul searching, and find out for yourself.... Because none of us can tell you where you stand....

 

[iceman061278]

I appreciate the thoughts and comments, and I would like to clarify that I did not just go out and pick up some random guy. He is a college friend and this is something that we discussed at length before going through with it. I can tell you with complete certainty that he is clean and free of everything, as am I.

I understand that none of you know me so it's natural to assume the worst, so I want you to know that I'm being as careful about this as I can possibly be.

 

[ponybilt]

Thanks for the clarifications, iceman.

And as Mark observed, it's not necessary to *tell* your wife until you're sure about what it is you really want. It is, though, the responsible thing to do to have safer sex with men (regardless of how well you know them), while you're still having sex with your wife.

 

[BobLeeSwagger]

Good to know that you've thought the disease part through, Ice.

I hate to seem like a spoilsport here, but if your wife never approved of your having sex with another man, then you DID cheat on her. Now maybe you'll decide this was an unusual thing, that it won't lead to anything more, and you won't do it again. In that case, telling her would probably just hurt her unnecessarily. If this is something that goes beyond a little experimentation (and I think you'd cross that line either the next time or the time after that), then she deserves to know.

Obviously you know your wife far better than I do, but proceed cautiously here. This could set off a chain of events that could unravel your marriage. Only you know whether those desires are strong enough to risk that. Good luck.

 

[Xin]

Originally posted by aloofman@Aug 20 2004, 07:55 PM
I hate to seem like a spoilsport here, but if your wife never approved of your having sex with another man, then you DID cheat on her. Now maybe you'll decide this was an unusual thing, that it won't lead to anything more, and you won't do it again. In that case, telling her would probably just hurt her unnecessarily. If this is something that goes beyond a little experimentation (and I think you'd cross that line either the next time or the time after that), then she deserves to know.

I totally agree here - just to add another point though, if this doesn't carry on, it may be useful (for your own mind at least) to remember you were just exploring your own sexuality and feelings, and, to some extent at least, that having this happen is probably nothing compared to how your wife may feel if you did suddenly say you were leaving her for another man.


...Not sure I phrased that *totally* clearly, but hopefully it makes sense and you know what I'm getting at.

 

[B_RoysToy]

Originally posted by aloofman@Aug 20 2004, 06:55 PM


I hate to seem like a spoilsport here, but if your wife never approved of your having sex with another man, then you DID cheat on her. Now maybe you'll decide this was an unusual thing, that it won't lead to anything more, and you won't do it again. In that case, telling her would probably just hurt her unnecessarily. If this is something that goes beyond a little experimentation (and I think you'd cross that line either the next time or the time after that), then she deserves to know.

Obviously you know your wife far better than I do, but proceed cautiously here. This could set off a chain of events that could unravel your marriage. Only you know whether those desires are strong enough to risk that. Good luck.

I think your recommendations are right on the mark, aloofman. "Love, honor, and obey" doesn't permit cheating and sex, or any other relationship which the other partner wouldn't approve, shouldn't be entered into.

Your pointing out that iceman knows his wife better than any of us should be addressed, also. Some individuals' love permits the partner to indulge in activiities which are considered wrong by society, but I think what determines the right/wrong is the partner's judgement. The basic requirement demands a discussion between partners and learning honest feelings regarding the matter.

As has been pointed out, we are all different, with different degrees of sexual drives, so maybe Iceman is one who won't find it necessary to continue with the 2nd, 3rd, etc., times. I wasn't able to stop after I got my first taste, and my cheating caused an end to our marriage. You have some serious decisions to make, Iceman. Consider asking your wife to go with you for counseling.

 

[MisterMark]

So much judgement here. :angry:

I don't think that iceman was looking for condemnation, but he sure got a lot of it, didn't he...

What I read in his post was that he's just discovering and exploring his part-time attraction to guys, and he was wondering if this could be considered normal.

Go back and read his posts. He didn't ask for opinions on whether or not he should tell his wife. But that fact was ignored by some of the posters, and instead, he's basically been told that he's "cheating" on his wife and should be ashamed of himself. Nice. :angry:

He's trying to sort out his own feelings right now, folks. Try to have a little empathy.

 

[Xin]

Actually, that's a good point. I know I feel kinda bad about it now...
Unfortunately though, that's what happens with message boards - topics started talking about one thing can quite quickly morph into something totally different altogether.
Apologies, iceman.

 

[ponybilt]

Originally posted by MarkSavage@Aug 20 2004, 11:37 PM
So much judgement here. :angry:

OK, now I feel like I've been spanked. And I don't get into being spanked.

I too think there was probably too much focus on the cheating aspect. I do, however, stand by my statements regarding safe sex as it affects Iceman's own experimentation and how that affects his wife.

Iceman, experimentation, exploration, learning what's right for you and what's not is normal. Some people explore this early, and some later. The fact that you're going through the process itself is normal. Additionally, sometimes this is fast and other times it takes years to fully come to understand what it is you need from your sexuality.

Good luck and hope that the overreaction from some of us hasn't put you off. Stick around. Most of us are actually pretty nice.

 

[BobLeeSwagger]

Originally posted by MarkSavage@Aug 20 2004, 11:37 PM


Go back and read his posts. He didn't ask for opinions on whether or not he should tell his wife. But that fact was ignored by some of the posters, and instead, he's basically been told that he's "cheating" on his wife and should be ashamed of himself. Nice. :angry:

I didn't say that his feelings weren't real or that they were wrong in any way, only that acting on them might have major consequences. He didn't indicate that his wife had approved of his experimentation ahead of time, so I felt it needed to be brought up.

What you say would be completely true if he were single. In that case, a potential turning point in his sexual identity would only affect him. If this experiment had been with a woman, wouldn't that have been cheating? Is it not extramarital sex just because it's with a guy? If he were to plunge blindly ahead seeking physical pleasure without considering how it might hurt his wife, then he should be ashamed of himself. My point was that he should be careful.

 

[MisterMark]

Originally posted by ponybilt@Aug 20 2004, 04:48 PM
OK, now I feel like I've been spanked. And I don't get into being spanked.

Hmmm...I never thought about spanking you Pony, but I sort of like the idea.

Thanks to you all who understood my point. I have a feeling that it bothered me more than it bothered iceman. Oh well. I didn't care for the direction of some of the comments, and I wanted to say something.

 

[jonb]

Well, the cheating aspect's kinda important. I mean, if you've heard the discussions in the media about married men attracted to other men, everyone's focusing on the gay aspect rather than the cheating aspect. (What? And cheating's okay as long as I'm with a woman?)

 

[ponybilt]

Originally posted by jonb@Aug 21 2004, 05:53 PM
Well, the cheating aspect's kinda important. I mean, if you've heard the discussions in the media about married men attracted to other men, everyone's focusing on the gay aspect rather than the cheating aspect. (What? And cheating's okay as long as I'm with a woman?)

Jonb, I agree that most people are overly focused on the gay aspect as of late, however we don't know the situation that either Iceman (or McGreevey, or Clinton for that matter) have with their wives. OK, so we sorta get the idea now from Bill's memoirs.

The point is, we can say that cheating is bad, but if a couple is open -- and there are a lot of those couples -- then it's not cheating. But, having sex outside of a relationship that unknowingly puts one partner at risk of STD is wrong, regardless of how it's viewed.

The former is speculation. The latter is certain.