What do you think?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by woskxn, Feb 20, 2005.

  1. woskxn

    woskxn New Member

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    I cannot figure it out.

    When it comes to sexual topics, he is extremley touchy about them. He seems to want to get off the subject and gets annoyed by it. And I mean mainly "gay" themes. Now, I dont want to push him on it too much because when I tell you about him abit you will see why.

    For as long as I've known him (few years now) he does not talk about personal things very much at all. He doesn't seem comfortable doing that either. I'll start to ask him something about why he doesn't like certain things, what he likes, and he is very private that way. For a long time I thought it was because he just didn't like me as a friend, but I've found thats not it. Since, we have those conversations and then the next day he calls me to do something. But, whenever we do something, we just do that, and thats it. We talk about general things but we can never get too personal. He doesn't like doing too social things either...I've asked him to go clubbing, other things, and he puts those down..for example I said lets go to a restaurant and he made it into another "gay" thing. He'll always want to call me though to go play sports, or just hang out.

    I really dont like that. I dont like the fact that many subjects are "meh" to him and I dont like that he seems uncomfortable with so much.
    He is not just this way to me, to other friends, he is exactly the same way.

    I have no idea why. Is this a personality thing (I've always wondered) or do you think he has some issues?

    I enjoy doing things, but for me anyways, I like to get abit closer to people. To him, it seems enough to just do things but thats all. I think a friendship is abit more, but maybe he doesn't think so.

    what do you guys think?
     
  2. Imported

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    NelsonMuntz84: Could be issues or personality issues, only he will know.

    I would say however it is very common for certain people not to discuss anything in regards to relationships or sex in to much detail.

    If it is just his personality then you will need to just except it, if he doesn't want to discuss certain aspects of life, as annoying as it may be or unsettling even, its just the way he is and you will need to deal with it.

    Have you spoke to your other friends about this at all ? is it a new thing or has he always been like that ?
     
  3. Imported

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    hung_big: Well, I'll tell you from personal experiences. If he is closed up like that, it's probably because he has some termoul or issues that you don't know about - not because of lack of effort, I'm sure.

    Personally I have been a VERY open person. I can talk about almost everything. Now, after recent experiences I can barely talk to my mom, about inner feelings or otherwise. Maybe he had an experience that made him feel that way. But, perhaps, it pertained to a past friend that didn't understand a certain situation when he came out of the proverbial "closet" (no, not the gay one ;) )

    And again, he could just be someone who bottles up feelings. I know people who are not open for no apparent reason (as far as I know, but there could be), especially around sexuality. And if he knows you are gay/bi then it may also have something with his comfortability. Perhaps he is nervous about being in public with a "gay"? Not to put you down of course, you seem like a great guy, but maybe he isn't comfortable with that.

    There are too many reasons to analyse, but those are my ideas. Is there any reason in particular that you really want to know how the ticks? Granted, my best friends are ones that are very open, but it doesn't mean you can't have a stable friendship without talking about everything under the sun. It doesn't seem like he isn't willing to listen, so at least you can confide in him.

    Those are my 2 cents, however worthless they are :p
     
  4. woskxn

    woskxn New Member

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    one thing...he doesn't know I'm gay. (so thats not it)

    and yeah, I have friends that are totally open, really really open, they are comfortable with telling me everything (and I really like that)

    and I guess I'm curious as to why he is not comfortable with it. It seems weird to me that nothing seems to interest him, that he is meh about everything, that he finds that gay topic or sexuality in general an uncomfortable topic, etc.
     
  5. Imported

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    hung_big: Well I offered you my opinion and advice....well actually here's some advice:

    Have you tried asking WHY he doesn't feel like talking about certain/most things?

    Maybe he gets the vibe you ARE gay, and maybe you should address that if that is the case....

    Cut me some slack though, I'm only 15 ^_^
     
  6. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    Hmm - he sounds a little tough to figure out...But from my own personal experience - I use to get uncomfortable when a gay friend or co-worker spoke about things that were perceived gay (like I said I came from a sheltered background when I was younger)...But I started to think about it - my gay friend might not be interested when I talk about women - but he listens and helps like a friend is supposed to do...If I was you - I would talk to him about it...I am assuming he knows you are gay (sorry if you are not)...Just tell him friends listen and support each other and damnit he needs to be there for you...I really hate friends that need you to listen to them when they have problems - but not there when you are going through something...If he can't do that - stop doing things w/him when he calls...
     
  7. woskxn

    woskxn New Member

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    hung_big, one of the reasons I bring up something sexual or something gay is to suggest to him that I am, and then I can see how he reacts to it. So far, I have not liked how he has, and it has told me to not come out because of that.

    However, the fact that he has been like this for awhile is making me think that maybe he is as well.

    I've always thought, you have nothing to be nervous about if you are not. If someone is talking about a murder that took place, unless you commited one, it be pretty weird if you were sitting there sweating. I find the same thing for this, I am wondering, why is he so uncomfortable with this? its harmless.

    I have definetley tried talking to him about it, and he just acts stupid and ignores it. I have tried on numerous occassions.
     
  8. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    Sounds like he has some issues if sexuality...If you don't mind me asking - how old are you guys...I was kind of like him when I was a bit younger...But now since I have travelled the world and met the most unique and great people - talking about sexuality is no problem...And I can honestly tell you that most of my issues stemmed from getting molested by a male babysitter...That is one of the reason I use to have homophobic issues w/gay guys (I was just a kid - and this has effected me to this day)...So I only share that because your friend could have went through something and just not dealing w/it well...And you are probably right - he may be dealing w/his own sexuality issues and I kind of battled that too after that incident...I mean that is why I think I still have problems w/telling a girlfriend or anybody I love them...So take care of yourself and don't give up on your friend too soon...It sounds like he does trust you a bit and will open up one day...It might help if you told him you were gay instead of throwing hints - I actually ignore hints when people throw them because I want you to come out and just say it...If he is a true friend - he will be open and responsive and you never know - you may find out you guys have more in common and he is not alone...That is just my 3 cents...
     
  9. woskxn

    woskxn New Member

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    We are both 20.

    I would be very surprised if he was molested or something, but in many ways he does seem scared.

    The thing is, he is the first guy to always call me and get other friends together to get together, play sports or whatever, but he cant get close that way, and he seems to be nervous and uncomfortable when it comes to sexuality.

    So, no idea what to think of it.

    I guess I'll just have to be patient and try another time and hope he opens up.

    Even with my other friends..we are all hangin out at a friends house, and a friend would sit too close to him, so he would show us all him backing and moving away further on the couch from the other friend..stuff like that.
    On jokes, (sexuality/gay ones) he always says it makes him sick or he will show some uncomfort with it.

    Here is the key, he doesn't seem that uncomfortable making a gay joke, or suggesting someone is, but he is very nervous when someone else is making the joke.
     
  10. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    Okay - yeah I have had a guy friend like that - and I had the same type of vibes that you are experiencing - I mean - deep down or on occasion I would think - I know my friend is not gay because he tells me he is not (but I didn't care) but most people naturally assumed he was even though he always had a girlfriend...And I can't tell you how many fights he got in because of that...And he was shy and really did get alone w/other guys except for me...And he did use to get uncomfortable when it came to sexual conversations (but we would talk about girls) and he was very homophobic and scared of gay guys...I was patient w/him and never judged him...Eventually like about 4 or 5 years of being good friends - he told me that he was bi-sexual and that he had always being attractive to men and women and his first experience w/a guy while he was in boot camp...And that he and another guy I have known since childhood were fooling around even though my friend was living w/his girlfriend and their kid...He also was kind of a tortured soul too...But I do tell - he sounds a lot like my friend so be patient - he is going to really appreciate in the long run...
     
  11. woskxn

    woskxn New Member

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    alright, thanks for the advice..I really do appreciate it.
     
  12. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    Anytime dude - you know I get so into talking in this forum that I lose track of time...Got to jump in the shower to get ready to go out again...
     
  13. Imported

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    Anubis the Elder:
    Anytime dude - you know I get so into talking in this forum that I lose track of time...Got to jump in the shower to get ready to go out again...
    [post=284859]Quoted post[/post]​
    [/b][/quote]

    Take a lool at www.gOy.com might be busy a lot. Might also explain his actions.
     
  14. D_Martin van Burden

    D_Martin van Burden Account Disabled

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    I knew a guy like that in high school. He used to make lots of gay jokes on everybody else, and he would be the first to curse you out if you accused him of being that way. Ironically enough, when I caught up with him a few years later, he is a 100% certifiable, red-blooded homosexual. I chided him about that bullshit, and he said that that was his way of handling things until he came out.

    And I happen to live with a guy like that now. I have a range of male friends who are comfortable with contact and affection and intimacy, and he's on the far end of the scale. Girls in the room could be discussing what guys they think are attractive or inquire about their dick sizes or bodies, and he makes a show of clamming up. So, I won't assume he's gay because of that and doesn't want anyone to know... but he's clearly, clearly uncomfortable with... I dunno, some aspect of himself. I can't define it any further than that.

    One thing you have to remember though: As much as you want to be there to give him comfort or trust, he'll probably keep you turning you down or turning you away until he finds himself flooded and needing to confide in someone -- whether that's you or not. And you've got to give him that space. You could try being straight up with him and asking what's his deal. If he rebukes you, just let 'im have that and leave it. But just because he turned you away doesn't mean that the day won't come when he'll need you, and you might be that lucky one.

    Until then, be thankful for the friends you have that closeness with and cultivate it the best way you can.
     
  15. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    Yeah...I have had several friends like that over the years...One actually eventually told me he was bi-sexual and the others moved away and you find out they have kind of jumped out the closest...I can understand someone wanting to be away from folks they grew up w/to come out...
     
  16. woskxn

    woskxn New Member

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    Dee, thats basically what I think too.
    I mean I just dont get his uncomfortable and "get off this" type attitude when it comes to sexuality jokes. And I've always found his disinterest interesting. Maybe he feels that he doesn't have much to look forward to if he is gay. The fact that he is very private and is afraid of talking about anything personal seems kind of telling as well.

    having said that, who really knows.

    I'll be there for him if he feels like talking...I am for all my friends.
     
  17. dolf250

    dolf250 New Member

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    Hello-

    I have noticed that most of your responses centre around the “gay” theme. I am not sure that this is the only issue. Your friend sounds a lot like me. I would go to the bars with friends, but I was always the DD and would usually stand in a corner and wait. (This eventually led to a job as a bouncer- I figured that I was sober and just standing there watching anyhow, may as well get paid for it.) The only reason I went was because for a couple of years I could not convince people to go anywhere else or do anything. If, on the other hand they were like you seem to be and would do sports ect… I would not have went- never enjoyed it.

    As for the not talking about personal stuff, that is also understandable. For myself when I was in my early teens I would tell various friends that I felt close to almost anything. Eventually it “got around.” Sometimes even when I was standing right there in front of my parents they would ask about whatever “situation” we were talking about then night before. So I would have to go from wanting one person to know to having them plus my family and then the rest of my social “acquaintances” who I did not feel very close to knowing. This was not a one time thing. Eventually by my late teens when a girlfriend killed herself it took around 3 or 4 years before I told ANYONE, including my best friend. It was not that I did not trust him- I really did. It was just that from a young age I was a “loner.” I tried to tell others things- it did not work out and I went back to dealing with things myself (though I will admit that I delt with that poorly.) I tell you this in case you think it is a trust issue- it may not be.

    As you can probably tell I am more comfortable telling people a little of my past online, but after moving and making a lot of effort I can finally tell people a little more about myself, my likes and dislikes and my past. This is due mostly to my close friend who made the effort to keep our friendship alive even when I tried to keep him at arms length. My advice (and take it for what it’s worth- you know your friend and I only know what little you wrote about him) is to keep talking to him, tell him what you want and not to always expect that he will tell you much- just bits and pieces.

    Finally as for telling him that you are gay I would say go ahead- it’s part of who you are. He sounds like an introvert and probably is not comfortable with talking about sexual matters (gay or straight) so you may not want to discuss sex in detail, but I suspect that he will eventually accept it as part of who you are. Rather than “testing the water” by bringing up something gay I would think you need to just tell him. He may not have any gay friends (that he knows about) and is just reacting to the issue rather than the person. This may be hard for lots of people on a board like this to understand but if you do not know anybody who is gay it is very hard to be accepting to the idea of homosexuality. (Yes, personal experience again. I was very uncomfortable with the issue until a friend told me that he was gay and forced me to look at someone I knew being gay not as an abstract idea, but rather as reality.) This also may not be popular, but if he knew you were gay before getting to know you he may well have avoided you, but already having you as a friend he is more likely to accept it even if it makes him uncomfortable at first. I guess it all comes down to how much you value getting to know him on a deeper level and letting him know you on that level. Is it worth putting all the effort into it or is it easier to just leave it on a somewhat superficial level where you just meet to do sports and hang out? IMHO, some friendships are better left that way and are not any worse for it; for others it is a shame to let them linger there.

    Good luck with whatever you decide.
     
  18. dolf250

    dolf250 New Member

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    Sorry- One last thing is he Christian? This may explain his "get off this topic" attitude to many sexual things including jokes.
     
  19. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    I totally agree w/everything dolf250 said...
     
  20. Imported

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    meattunnelshatterer: It sounds like you are in the same boat I was in, and I guess I am still in.

    I do have one friend that I often try to have deeper conversations with but he is very reserved. At times he has really opened up and literally cried on my shoulder, but it seems he forgot about that and tries to keep to himself. Just last night we had a fight because we were IMing and he really wasn't saying a lot. He doesn't often say a lot on IM but since I'm in college and he is back at home I'm always trying to figure out what is going on with him, other than working. I've gotten pissed off at him because he won't let me be the friend I want to be for him in the past too. Some people go through waves of being open to being closed. All I've done is kept being supportive and asked questions to try to start conversation. It works, sometimes. I think being honest about yourself might change things with him, hopefully for the better.

    As for your situation with the gay thing, that is also quite similar to what I went through. For the first year I knew him, he made no secret of how he was a homophobe. So, bringing up the subject of my own homosexuality seemed like a huge risk. After a while, I got to know him better and we became really good friends, supportive and everything. One summer we were roommates because I didn't want to live with my dad, and I told him about a month into that. It was hard and I tried to beat around the bush and tell a story about my first real gay experience at age 7 and how it kind of stuck. Without plainly saying "I'm gay", he got it, and he didn't react badly at all, he just said "I understand that you are gay but you were my friend the whole time so what's different?" The next morning he came in and talked to me for a while and he was only in his underwear, so I knew that he really didn't have any trouble with my sexuality.

    I guess the only thing you can really do here is go with the old cliche... "anybody that isn't your friend after finding out you aren't straight was never really your friend to begin with." You can test the waters all you want but in the end the only thing that really determines how they react is their reaction itself. And it takes a lot of bravery, you have to really take a leap of faith. The way I did it I guess was saying something that really I couldn't explain away, then letting that momentum carry me through. You may find that if this is the first person you come out to that it is way harder, but it gets a LITTLE easier after that.

    Good luck, though, and be strong and confident in yourself. You are who you are and that's something you will find that people will be more accepting of than you think.

    Andrew
     
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