What happens when your parents and significant other hate each other?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Proud7, Mar 17, 2008.

  1. Proud7

    Proud7 New Member

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    I had this happen recently.Without going into specifics,I know why they didn't like each other and I saw both sides of the story, so it literally put me in the middle.Now,I'm not with the person anymore,but anyone have experience with the subject?I'd love to hear thoughts on it,how you dealt with it etc?
     
  2. headbang8

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    Simple. Your sig other wins. Period. It's your life.
     
  3. B_Nick4444

    B_Nick4444 New Member

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    keep the meetings between them short & sweet
     
  4. B_Demention

    B_Demention New Member

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    It's difficult and I've had several tense moments like that. My dad's easy going but I have the kind of mother who doesn't like anybody other than immediate family, and growing up, we didn't have the best relationship so I actually found myself interested in girls who were the polar opposite of her, both in terms of looks and personality. This always seemed to exacerbate the problems that arose in meetings between my mother and anyone I was dating. The only real way to manage it is to create a healthy amount of space, and as Nick says, try to keep things short and cordial whenever possible.
     
  5. Hockeytiger

    Hockeytiger Active Member

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    For me it is myself and my in-laws who don't get along. So the situation isn't exactly the same. I realize that you aren't in that relationship anymore, but for the future here's my advice.

    I elect to be civil, if a bit distant. I won't start an argument, and if one erupts, out of respect for my wife, I prefer to merely leave. She may choose to stay and spend time with her parents if she wishes. I understand that she needs time with them. I won't hold it against her at all. Nor do I particularly want her to side with me all the time. Only if they get really out of line do I expect her to do anything.

    From your point of view, you should try not to take sides, as both are important to you, and if your SO or parents expect you to choose then tell them off. Expecting you to choose sides is an outrageous expectation, under the circumstances. Ultimately, if your parents can't behave, then see them less and less, until they get the point, or they are out of your life. You don't need the stress and it is YOUR life, not theirs. If your SO is the problem, then you will need to have a talk with her and let her know that she is putting you in a tough position that you'd rather not be in. If she demands that you back her up, then frankly, you need to find someone else. She ought to be able to handle her own arguments and ought to be aware enough of your feelings to not put you in that position. If she is incapable of that, then she isn't good GF material.
     
  6. Phil Ayesho

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    In my first marriage the in laws started out hating me... I wanted to be an artist, and to them that was like saying I wanted to be a bum...

    Over the years, as I actually was able to support their daughter rather well as an artist, they came around to thinking I was GREAT... they liked the way I treated her, the way I raised the kids... and they even bragged to others how I made a living as an artist.


    When the marriage eventually started unravelling... they made a strong effort to convince me to stick it out...

    But when I decided I could not take anymore... then it was back to hating me again...


    I agree with the sentiment that you side with your significant other against all comers.


    When I started seeing the woman who would become my new wife I sat my children down and explained to them that I love them more than life itself, but if they ever put me in a position of having to choose between her and them... that I was going with her.
    Because, if I did my job right, then they would be on their own in a few years... but I was hoping she would stay with me for the remainder...

    They never had the slightest problem with this... things went great.
     
  7. DC_DEEP

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    I have 5 siblings, all married, and none ever had a problem with my parents, ever. So, it's a little difficult for me to imagine that kind of situation. Mom only got to meet my partner once before she died, so that wasn't a problem, either. They got along great.

    I will say, though, that those kinds of problems are usually (at least somewhat) one-sided. If I had been put in that kind of situation, I would have nipped it in the bud from the beginning. Whether my SO or any member of my family, I would have no trouble at all saying, "if you can't behave any better than that, we are done." It's not that hard to figure out who the antagonist is. Even if it were one of those mutual disdain situations, I'd still put them in their places. They would have to find some common ground.
     
  8. Principessa

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    Parents always love me. :smile::biggrin1:

    Except for of course the parents of the guy I dated for 12 years. :rolleyes: They refused to meet me or allow me in their home; because I had the audacity to be both black and Methodist to their lace curtain Irish Catholic family. To be fair, my father was no better in that regard. I caught hell from him on a regular basis for dating that "Goddamn white boy."

    Now that I am approaching middle-age my hope is that the parents of any man I date will of course adore me. Barring that they should either be deceased or live at least 3 hours away. Too far to drop in on the spur of the moment for dinner/nagging; yet close enough that we can get to them if they need us.
     
  9. alex8.5

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    I did not care one way or the other if parents liked my B/F's or not, I have to live with the man not them. My present B/F, my father really likes and has since day one. I think because my B/F has a son and my dad always wanted a grandson. It's your life man, please yourself not your parents.
     
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