what has kept you in a bad relationship?

[alwaysguessing]

the last time a guy threatened to top himself and started making half hearted scratches with a kitchen knife, i just went and fetched him a sharper knife.

he started sobbing and nothing ever happened.

that kind of emotional blackmail shit is just another form of bullying.

Wow, I guess you were either good at reading him, or were just lucky then. I couldn't take that kind of risk, myself. She really was a wreck. In my case I fear it wasn't bullying, so much as a legitimate cry for help. I spent the next year or so helping her develop some emotional stability and self-confidence. I made her get a job, encouraged her to develop some friendships, and eventually I convinced her to start therapy.

After all that, I still felt like we weren't going anywhere as a couple, because she was still dependent on me to an unhealthy degree. Yet at the same time, she was beginning to stand up to me and defy my suggestions for her self-improvement. I believe she was deferring to her mother, who firmly believes that her daughter has no business taking care of herself, i.e. that's a man's job.

I figured the only hope for her to finally grow up, would be to kick her out and let her try living on her own. So, instead, she moves back in with her parents. ... Supposedly she is getting her own apartment soon, and is even planning to take steps towards furthering her education. I'm not holding my breath, but I hope she does something worthwhile, for her sake.

 

[HiddenLacey]

My ex sat in my living room one night with a gun in his lap. Sometimes you try to help people and it backfires on you. It did on me. Now I know there are professional counslers for a reason. I was never meant to deal with someone like him. He scared me beyond all belief.

I'm not going to say I would never date someone with issues, but I will definitely always think twice, because for some strange reason I feel the need to help everyone around me. Being a nice person can be a curse. It is very easy to get trapped into a relantionship with a manipulative pyscho.

 

[dolfette]

Wow, I guess you were either good at reading him, or were just lucky then. I couldn't take that kind of risk, myself. She really was a wreck. In my case I fear it wasn't bullying, so much as a legitimate cry for help. I spent the next year or so helping her develop some emotional stability and self-confidence. I made her get a job, encouraged her to develop some friendships, and eventually I convinced her to start therapy.

neither. i just know that a sexual relation forced under threat of death is rape. fuck that shit. suicide was his choice to make.

yes, that's cold.

the right thing, in my now more mature opinion, is to call their family and tell them to come get.

 

[alwaysguessing]

My ex sat in my living room one night with a gun in his lap. Sometimes you try to help people and it backfires on you. It did on me. Now I know there are professional counslers for a reason. I was never meant to deal with someone like him. He scared me beyond all belief.

I'm not going to say I would never date someone with issues, but I will definitely always think twice, because for some strange reason I feel the need to help everyone around me. Being a nice person can be a curse. It is very easy to get trapped into a relantionship with a manipulative pyscho.

I feel that helping her to live a happier, more fulfilling life, was the best thing I've ever done, and she told me it was the nicest thing anyone's ever done for her. Yeah it took a lot out of me, but I'll survive. And what else did I have to do? I was single, already had a house, a degree, and a steady job. I didn't really have anything left to do but waste time and wait to die. Plus, I loved her.

That said, at least she wasn't dangerous. I never worried about her trying to hurt me in any way, physically, financially, legally, etc. And she could have if she wanted to, but I knew that she cared about me just as much as I cared about her. She just wasn't strong enough to handle doubt and pain, and as a result she was prone to paralyzing fear which clouded her judgement.

Now I'm not just going to avoid dating people with issues. I think I'm just going to avoid dating at all. I still love this girl and I guess at this point I'm just waiting and hoping that someday she will be ready to marry and have children.

If anyone ever threatened my life, such as with a gun, I'd get a restraining order immediately. There's no good to come from a situation like that.

 

[HiddenLacey]

I feel that helping her to live a happier, more fulfilling life, was the best thing I've ever done, and she told me it was the nicest thing anyone's ever done for her. Yeah it took a lot out of me, but I'll survive. And what else did I have to do? I was single, already had a house, a degree, and a steady job. I didn't really have anything left to do but waste time and wait to die. Plus, I loved her.

That said, at least she wasn't dangerous. I never worried about her trying to hurt me in any way, physically, financially, legally, etc. And she could have if she wanted to, but I knew that she cared about me just as much as I cared about her. She just wasn't strong enough to handle doubt and pain, and as a result she was prone to paralyzing fear which clouded her judgement.

Now I'm not just going to avoid dating people with issues. I think I'm just going to avoid dating at all. I still love this girl and I guess at this point I'm just waiting and hoping that someday she will be ready to marry and have children.

If anyone ever threatened my life, such as with a gun, I'd get a restraining order immediately. There's no good to come from a situation like that.

I thought you had a girlfriend? Or is this the same girl and you are living with this right now? If so it kind of sounds like she has moved on with her life.

Restraining orders are the biggest joke on the face of the earth. They only serve to make the pyscho more angry. Believe me when I say there was no way I was going to try to take the gun from him, he was a big guy. He wasn't threatening me with it, he was threatening to kill himself over something that had happened between us. He did get help, he is actually married and has a baby now. Part of me has forgiven him, part of me prays for his new family. I cannot wait to move the heck out of the state and just leave it all behind.

 

[alwaysguessing]

neither. i just know that a sexual relation forced under threat of death is rape. fuck that shit. suicide was his choice to make.

yes, that's cold.

the right thing, in my now more mature opinion, is to call their family and tell them to come get.

Agreed. I probably should have done that, but I was too embarrassed to confront her parents.

 

[alwaysguessing]

I thought you had a girlfriend? Or is this the same girl and you are living with this right now? If so it kind of sounds like she has moved on with her life.

Restraining orders are the biggest joke on the face of the earth. They only serve to make the pyscho more angry. Believe me when I say there was no way I was going to try to take the gun from him, he was a big guy. He wasn't threatening me with it, he was threatening to kill himself over something that had happened between us. He did get help, he is actually married and has a baby now. Part of me has forgiven him, part of me prays for his new family. I cannot wait to move the heck out of the state and just leave it all behind.

Whoa that sucks. Guns are so scary. I think even if someone was only threatening to kill themself, I would just leave and call the police. I don't want to be anywhere near an unstable person with a gun.

I'd imagine that if someone came after you, and you hurt or killed them in self defense, you would be better off, legally, if you had previously filed a restraining order against them. That's the way I look at it.

I'm still with the girl that had all the issues. We still have sex and go on some dates, but we are much less involved than we used to be. Believe me she hasn't moved on. She is obsessed with me, but she knows I won't get serious again until she grows up.

 

[helgaleena]

This is a great thread here. I am not sure which bad relationship of mine to analyze first. I have been a chronic prolonging type it seems. I only left on my own volition once from any relation more than a one night stand.

It's funny, I have had exes accuse me of trying to manipulate them when I was suicidal. Goodness, I don't get that way in hopes of causing reaction; I get that way in hopes of correcting my own errors at the root! It would be very illogical of me to expect it to lead to a happy relationship with anyone. It's a way to LEAVE.

Yet in the literature and from hearsay, suicide 'threats' are more common than successful attempts. No, people, if you are going to kill yourself please be efficient and do a good job. Otherwise you just make more problems for everyone. That has been my experience anyway.

No, I generally stay until a partner tells me to get lost. I am myopic about the true state of things and possibly too tolerant. That is because I have no illusions of not being pretty unusual myself. Trying to fit molds has not worked, in general, so I expect many to leave again.

 

[HiddenLacey]

Whoa that sucks. Guns are so scary. I think even if someone was only threatening to kill themself, I would just leave and call the police. I don't want to be anywhere near an unstable person with a gun.

I'd imagine that if someone came after you, and you hurt or killed them in self defense, you would be better off, legally, if you had previously filed a restraining order against them. That's the way I look at it.

I'm still with the girl that had all the issues. We still have sex and go on some dates, but we are much less involved than we used to be. Believe me she hasn't moved on. She is obsessed with me, but she knows I won't get serious again until she grows up.

Well it kind of went like this, first love, first everything, thought I knew him and could trust him, he got increasingly crazy, I tried to break it off with him, he became abusive, threatened to kill me if I tried to break it off and did somethings to me that he later felt like an animal for and sat in my living room threatening to kill himself. I had no phone to call any body because he had destroyed them. I'm just glad I'm alive. Friends eventually helped me get away from him. What you think you would do in that situation and what you can do when the big guy with the gun is between you and the door are to different things. I'm definitely ashamed to say I just wanted him to pull the trigger so it would all be over a few times that night.

Anyway. Your girlfriend, or ex girlfriend. That behavior is not good. I'm assuming she's young and rather immature still. I can't give you advice, but you need to decide if your going to spend your life waiting for her to grow up, or if you are going to take control of the situation and tell her enough is enough.

 

[HiddenLacey]

This is a great thread here. I am not sure which bad relationship of mine to analyze first. I have been a chronic prolonging type it seems. I only left on my own volition once from any relation more than a one night stand.

It's funny, I have had exes accuse me of trying to manipulate them when I was suicidal. Goodness, I don't get that way in hopes of causing reaction; I get that way in hopes of correcting my own errors at the root! It would be very illogical of me to expect it to lead to a happy relationship with anyone. It's a way to LEAVE.

Yet in the literature and from hearsay, suicide 'threats' are more common than successful attempts. No, people, if you are going to kill yourself please be efficient and do a good job. Otherwise you just make more problems for everyone. That has been my experience anyway.

No, I generally stay until a partner tells me to get lost. I am myopic about the true state of things and possibly too tolerant. That is because I have no illusions of not being pretty unusual myself. Trying to fit molds has not worked, in general, so I expect many to leave again.

Your comments are always great, and hit home with me! Thank you!

 

[alwaysguessing]

I'm definitely ashamed to say I just wanted him to pull the trigger so it would all be over a few times that night.

In that kind of situation that's probably what I would want too. Better him than you.

Anyway. Your girlfriend, or ex girlfriend. That behavior is not good. I'm assuming she's young and rather immature still. I can't give you advice, but you need to decide if your going to spend your life waiting for her to grow up, or if you are going to take control of the situation and tell her enough is enough.

She is a bit younger and her behavior is indeed immature. I did say enough is enough by separating all our accounts and asking her to move out of my house. But at this point I'm happy to keep her around for sex and companionship, and she is happy to oblige. It's almost a FWB type of situation. I risk very little, yet I'm getting more out of the relationship than I ever have before. Right now it's like the perfect relationship for me. The other day she took me out for a sushi dinner, paid for it, then took me home and blew me to completion. I would have trouble giving this up and I really don't want to anyway. If I ever feel like it's not working anymore, at that point, I'll move on. But until then, I think I'll just enjoy this. :biggrin1:

 

[HiddenLacey]

In that kind of situation that's probably what I would want too. Better him than you.



She is a bit younger and her behavior is indeed immature. I did say enough is enough by separating all our accounts and asking her to move out of my house. But at this point I'm happy to keep her around for sex and companionship, and she is happy to oblige. It's almost a FWB type of situation. I risk very little, yet I'm getting more out of the relationship than I ever have before. Right now it's like the perfect relationship for me. The other day she took me out for a sushi dinner, paid for it, then took me home and blew me to completion. I would have trouble giving this up and I really don't want to anyway. If I ever feel like it's not working anymore, at that point, I'll move on. But until then, I think I'll just enjoy this. :biggrin1:

Haha! Ok well if you feel like your emotions are separated and you are not going to get hurt by this... HAVE FUN! I'm sure her taking you out to dinner and blowing you is a wonderful thing for you. Your getting a FB without the previous strings. I do wonder though if she is doing these things to impress you and try to win you back, but who knows I'm not in the situation. Errr... goodluck:biggrin1:

 

[Enid]

I was in a 4 year relationship that probably should have ended after 2 years. This was the relationship I had before my current relationship. I stayed the last 2 years because he has mental illness, and I truly believed it was best for me to stay and let him know in no uncertain terms that I was there and not going away – that my love didn’t depend on whether or not he was having a good day or a bad day. Because if you really love someone who is sick, you have to stay there, open heart and open mind, ego issues be damned. It is an illness, and, as with a physical illness, you have to focus on what's best for them. But…...it's very easy to get lost here, feel as if you're giving too much and getting not enough in return, it's very easy to feel hurt and neglected. Eventually I did come to realize I was sacrificing too much. The straw that broke the camel’s back for me was lack of sex for the last 2 years. It wasn’t for me trying, either. He just couldn’t maintain an erection due to the meds and I gave up finally. Sex is a great big deal to me in a relationship and I was unhappy. I gave it the old college try, though.

the last time a guy threatened to top himself and started making half hearted scratches with a kitchen knife, i just went and fetched him a sharper knife.

he started sobbing and nothing ever happened.

that kind of emotional blackmail shit is just another form of bullying.

Fear that she might do something harmful to herself.

The first time I tried to break up with her she threatened to kill herself. I conceded, and I believe I've been depressed ever since then. That was a year and a half ago.

Some of the experiences you guys describe sound scary to me. I never did have any dramatic break-ups like the examples above. I’m not sure what I’d do if that happened to me, I tend to shut down around hyper-emotional displays. At this point in my life I would respond similarly to dolfette's way, but at previous times in my life I just ran away at any hint of irrationality intended on controlling and manipulating me. I hate being emotionally manipulated, and I don't hate much.

Alwaysguessing, I don’t really have any words. I’m sorry.

 

[alwaysguessing]

Alwaysguessing, I don’t really have any words. I’m sorry.

Thanks, but at this point I feel that I only have myself to blame. Since she moved out I have felt a lot better, much more like my old self again. But sometimes I still just feel kind of "blah", like what's the point in doing anything. Not sure what that's about. I guess it just takes time to get back to normal.

 

[helgaleena]

Thanks, but at this point I feel that I only have myself to blame. Since she moved out I have felt a lot better, much more like my old self again. But sometimes I still just feel kind of "blah", like what's the point in doing anything. Not sure what that's about. I guess it just takes time to get back to normal.

Part of you mourns the death of a false hope. It will pass, but give it time to dissipate.

 

[ConstantComment]

I've stayed in relationships longer than I wanted to because:
1. I didn't have the guts to initiate the break up
2. When I did initiate the break up in one relationship, he started exhibiting stalkerish behavior. So we started dating again and then I became less and less affectionate and more and more negligent so that he wanted out of the relationship.
3. Stayed in longer to give the guy every opportunity; toprove to my sister that I give black guys the same chances that I give white guys.

 

[beretta8]

One reason I stayed in a bad relationship is because I had no intention of ever going back to my family. I felt I had something to prove, that I/we could work out our differences, you know, be an adult. Ha! Did that backfire. We lived together for 5 years and I finally got to the point where enough was enough. Looking back, we should have only been friends. We broke up countless times, the same old issues kept resurfacing. We didn't speak for 10 years, until just recently. He came sniffing around because he had "finally, for the last time" broken up with his current man of 10 years. Which btw, they are back together after countless breakups. He asked me to go to dinner with him, again, you know, as friends....I flatly turned him down. Why does shit have to get sooo old before it gets cleaned up???? anyhoo....



and it's weird, after 10 years he acts as though nothing has changed...makes my stomach roll.

 

[Embrace69]

My ex sat in my living room one night with a gun in his lap. Sometimes you try to help people and it backfires on you. It did on me. Now I know there are professional counslers for a reason. I was never meant to deal with someone like him. He scared me beyond all belief.

I'm not going to say I would never date someone with issues, but I will definitely always think twice, because for some strange reason I feel the need to help everyone around me. Being a nice person can be a curse. It is very easy to get trapped into a relantionship with a manipulative pyscho.

^^^
Strongly agree.

 

[petite]

It's too easy to give advice after you already know the outcome. It's much different when you're sitting in front of a choice to make and there are so many possible ways it could end depending on what you decide.

No one ever knows whether a relationship will improve or get worse if you stay in it because no one can see the future. People should not be scolded, or scold themselves, because they tried one thing and it didn't work out the way they hoped it would. There was no way to really know what would happen.

I stayed twice after a relationship started making me very unhappy and I learned after those relationships became better again that my hope was valid. Could both of those relationships just continued to worsen instead of improve? Yes! In another relationship it got both better and worse over time, but the bad parts were so bad that I regretted staying for so long. Could I have known that was going to be the outcome? No! It could have gotten better.

I've broken up with a lot of men and not regretted those decisions at all, but when I broke up with my first love, I regretted it for years and years. Did I know what would happen after I broke up with him? Could I have known how much regret I would feel? Honestly, no I couldn't have known. If I had any inkling about how I would feel later on and if I knew what was going to happen, I wouldn't have made the decision in the first place.

I think everyone needs to stop beating themselves up over making the wrong choices. Those kinds of decisions are always going to be a gamble, and sometimes you're going to lose. It's part of the human condition. There are no practice runs, we're just doing the best we can.

I also did not want my kids to go through the pain of a divorce. I would go through hell for the rest of my life to keep them from experiencing any hurt.

You never know. My parents divorce did not come as a surprise to me. They never fought in front of me, in fact I think they hardly ever fought, but I could see that they were not close to one another and my mother was difficult to live with. My life improved when my parents got divorced and I was raised by my father after that.

i've only ever stayed past the point once, and that was because i'd fairly recently had a baby...it could've been a rough patch caused by hormones and stress.

I would have done the same thing.

 

[maxoscar]

I stayed with one of my exes for about 2 months longer than what should of happend, she was cheating on me with another guy who had his own flat (my ex really wanted to move out from her parents after her graduation) I couldn't provide this as I'm 2 academic years younger than her and was still studying.
We had a great sexlife don't get me wrong, she was my most sexually adventerous sexual partner I've had to this day. On the last night we had together, we both knew that serious talks we to be taken the next morning. We did have sex, but out of anger at each other, so it wasn't very sensual. Although having said that, it was explosive sex: deepthroat, anal, fisting, facial, bondage etc.
There's a funny ending to this story lol: The next morning my back was still bleeding from her scratches and she bled overnight from her rectum, we went to hospital that morning and pretty much had our serious talk in the waiting room of A&E haha!