what has kept you in a bad relationship?

[helgaleena]

Sounds as if you could see quite graphically how you hurt one another, at least. Glad you both moved on. Wonderful sex is not everything. Each person must decide how important it is in their own lives.

 

[alwaysguessing]

Part of you mourns the death of a false hope. It will pass, but give it time to dissipate.

That, and I get bummed when I think of how much better my life could be, if I had spent all that time and money on myself instead of her for all those years. I try to make peace with that fact, by accepting that it was a lesson I had to learn. If she hadn't hooked me, another girl probably would have, and it could have ended much worse.

 

[Wish-4-8]

I feel that helping her to live a happier, more fulfilling life, was the best thing I've ever done, and she told me it was the nicest thing anyone's ever done for her. Yeah it took a lot out of me, but I'll survive. And what else did I have to do? I was single, already had a house, a degree, and a steady job. I didn't really have anything left to do but waste time and wait to die. Plus, I loved her.

Yeah, but it sounds like you settled, which is interesting because we have another thread about that. One thing is to sacrifice in a relationship, but to live in fear sucks. I feel for you man.

Some of the experiences you guys describe sound scary to me. I never did have any dramatic break-ups like the examples above. I’m not sure what I’d do if that happened to me, I tend to shut down around hyper-emotional displays. At this point in my life I would respond similarly to dolfette's way, but at previous times in my life I just ran away at any hint of irrationality intended on controlling and manipulating me. I hate being emotionally manipulated, and I don't hate much.

Take into account that I was young. Now adays if someone ever pulled that shit on me, I would not feel guilty or obligated. I am not the one holding the knife. I am not making the cuts. I am not saying that is what happened, but I agree with Dolfette on this one.

Because then, honestly, the thought goes to pointing the knife in my direction, with me holding it. What do you do when you feel you are "stuck" in that situation? And the only way to escape is to off yourself. The fact that the thought even crepted in as an option bugs me to this day. Never will I allow myself to think that way again. EVER!:frown1:

 

[helgaleena]

Because then, honestly, the thought goes to pointing the knife in my direction, with me holding it. What do you do when you feel you are "stuck" in that situation? And the only way to escape is to off yourself. The fact that the thought even crepted in as an option bugs me to this day. Never will I allow myself to think that way again. EVER!:frown1:

When I was in that situation, I didn't expect anyone to stop me from getting the job done with a minimum of fuss and drama. But that's just me, and like a number of other things I was presuming in the situation, I was wrong about that. Good for you, Wish, for realizing that there are other ways of dealing with our problems than that.

Deep down I am still not convinced that I should not have the right to off myself if I so desire. But it takes a heck of a lot more careful planning and preparation than I had given it. Even if I had disconnected my phone and not automatically answered it in my stupor, a psychic of my acquaintance came rushing over with EMTs completely independently of the caller. They didn't know one another. It convinced me that the decision was not in tune with some bigger picture and I was going to just have to suck up and live.

But I had been so spectacularly deceived about that relationship-- I was trying my best to leave it. Turns out what I really sucked at was asking for help to do that. It's still a bit of a deficit in me.

 

[alwaysguessing]

Yeah, but it sounds like you settled, which is interesting because we have another thread about that. One thing is to sacrifice in a relationship, but to live in fear sucks. I feel for you man.

I think settling is when you stay with someone you are not in love with, simply because they provide you with the comfort and gratification that you desire from a relationship, and you are too lazy or insecure to seek another mate.

That would not be the case with me. I loved her more than anything and I was compelled to provide her with a better life, even though facets of the relationship were often stressful for me.

Looking at it that way, I'd say it's quite the opposite really.