What have I gotten myself into?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by AustinTX, Dec 18, 2011.

  1. AustinTX

    AustinTX New Member

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    I'm a gay man, 62 years old, single and enjoy sex more than ever. About 4 years ago I met a married man, online, who wanted to experiment with his bi side. He is 41, married (unhappily) with 2 kids that he adores. We have had great sex every time we can be together. I know this is never going to be a relationship but over the years both our feelings have grown.

    Today he calls me early in the morning. I was still in bed. He wants to come over and I, of course, tell him sure but that I had just gotten up and hadn't even had my coffee. He said to just stay in bed and he would be right over. I did as he said. He came and got into bed with me and said that this was "all for me" and he spent an hour pleasuring me beyond belief. Sex with him has always been great but today it was fireworks. Afterwards he said that he wants to arrange for us to be able to spend the night together (he travels a great deal with his job) and would I meet him when out of town, at his expense, for a day or two. I, of couse,
    said YES!

    Problem is my feelings for him are going way beyond friends with benefits and it seems that he has the same feelings. I don't want to be the "other man" nor do I want to loose a fantastic sexual partner. As he left today, I used the L word and he did too.

    What the fuck? I want him but I know this isn't going to happen. Should I accept an over nighter or just keep things as they are? Either way, I don't want to loose him nor do I want to screw up his married life. There have got to be others that have had this situation and I would appreciate some help.
     
  2. NEW1

    NEW1 New Member

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    Sorry to hear about your predicament. My advice, do not expect him to leave his wife nor any other emotional "epiphany" he may disclose to you. At this stage of the game, being a 62 y.o. gay single man, you are probably happier this way, otherwise you would already be partnered. As for your lover, being a 41 y.o. married man with children, unhappy or not, an expensive divorce followed by child support and losing his home will outweigh any feelings he has for you. He will make every effort I'm sure to continue the affair, e.g. paying for your trip, hotel, etc. However, this is a much cheaper and easier alternative to the aforementioned scenario. Unfortunately, this kind of thing happens all the time- both men and women alike carry on relationships on the side. Men tend to deal with duplicity better than women because it is easier for them to separate sex and love. You can have great sex with someone and not love them; conversely, you can love someone you don't have great sex with. Besides sex, what do you have in common? Is sex the only recreational activity between the two of you? Has he expressed interest in doing other things with you? What are your long-term goals? What are his? Are you sure you are the only guy he is "experimenting" with? These are questions you need to ask yourself and examine the answers truthfully. Also, if he was upfront and told you about the wife from the day you met, that was probably a good indication that he was not looking for a relationship from the beginning. If you're honestly looking for a relationship, I'd stick to other single men without the baggage. If you like projects and turning this hook-up into a relationship then I suggest prescription of mood elevators from your doctor before proceeding.
     
  3. D_Ray_Jing_Hardon

    D_Ray_Jing_Hardon Account Disabled

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    NEW1 couldn't have summed up that any better and you spot on with your advice
     
  4. dong-in-khakis

    dong-in-khakis New Member

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    yep that will happen, I met a guy older than me on the internet, married. We hit it off so incredibly well, and before long we began using the "L" word. It was incredible. Ironic thing was we were about 3 and a half hours apart and never got to meet, but fell head over heels for each other.

    Maybe we can meet one day, damn he's hot.
     
  5. AustinTX

    AustinTX New Member

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    I am well aware that a relationship with him is not going to happen. I guess it was the invitation and then my blurting out the L word as he was leaving and him saying it back that blew me away.

    I am perfectly satisfied with the situation as it is now. The thought of spending the night with this man is much more than I ever expected. As I mentioned, we have been enjoying each other for over 4 years so we do know each other quite well and not just sexually. Do we go out with each other in public? No. I would never jeopardize his life and family in any way.

    I want no more than what I have with him right now and, yes, at 62 and a couple of LTR's under my belt, I'm pretty happy and settled with my life. But I'm open to a "Mr right" again if one comes along. I'm also very aware that he's a great "Mr right now".

    Bottom line, I don't want to mess up what I have now and is a night or two together going to possibly change the status quo? Useing the L word was a total surprise to me from him as it was me saying it.
     
  6. B_debonair87

    B_debonair87 New Member

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    I see with age doesn't always come wisdom.......

    at your age you should have better sense to get involved with a married man. just my 2 cents.......
     
  7. AustinTX

    AustinTX New Member

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    Excuse me, but what does my age have to do with my having sex with a married man? My age doesn't seem to bother him at all. Many younger men find me attractive. As a matter of fact, in my younger days, I too was attracted to older men. Age is a state of mind and in my mind, I'm about 40ish.
    Your comment is totally stupid!
     
  8. travis1985

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    I'll comment on this as someone who is also seeing a married man. You said above that you don't want to be "the other man." However, the fact is that that is what you started being as soon as you knowingly had sex with someone else's husband. You're deep into this already, but it's never too late to stop digging. If you're not okay with what this is at its most unflattering (a secret, adulterous affair with a man who is other people's husband and father), you'll be doing yourself a favor by ceasing and desisting, even at this late date.
     
  9. DesertCruiser

    DesertCruiser New Member

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    My take on this is that if it weren't you it would be someone else. If both you and he enjoy it, go for it. Some people on this board are holier than thou but just the name of the site tells you something there.

    I just turned 60 and still want my sex. My partner is WAY older than I am and although I prefer sex with him, many times it comes down to me masurbating while watching pornos which I still enjoy. He doesn't mind in the least.

    Go meet your friend and enjoy! I sure would.
     
  10. HERCSURF

    HERCSURF New Member

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    Interesting post. I could have written a similar post ( with ages a bit lower and the statuses reversed, but otherwise a very similar situation. Rt down to something moving from casual to the L word LOL. I think every situation is different bro, but generally the married guy will not break up his family and leave his kids, even if he says his marriage is unhappy. You have to really keep it in perspective and understand it will never be more than what it is and at some point it will end...months or years later. If you keep a clear head about it, when it ends it may be sad but you can look back at it as a great experience. If you get caught up in it.. it could get really sad. I know of what I speak LOL
     
  11. Q Vee

    Q Vee New Member

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    I feel for you man. I have no words of wisdom; many have been said. I wish our culture/society was more open and accepting so that a situation like yours wasn't hampered by the laws and expectations that encompass our relationships. Many older societies acknowledged these needs and the family unit was allowed to flourish just as well, or so it seems. This has been going on forever. You would think that we would all have enough "history" to recognize that "family" can mean many things and learn to work with the cards we are dealt. Sorry if I am rambling, just letting my thoughts out. Enjoy your life one day at a time, it's all we can do. Best of luck to all of you.
     
  12. AustinTX

    AustinTX New Member

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    After four years I have never ever thought of breaking up a family or a marriage. I am perfectly happy with things as they are.
    I was just taken aback when he said he wants to arrange a night or two together and then I blurted the L word and he responded with the same.
    I was surprised I said it and so was he.
    He and his wife separated about a year ago for 3 months. I encouraged him to try to work things out and they got help and got back together. This isn't "I didn't get any from the wife so can you help me out" sex. It's great man on man, romantic and tender. He knows what I need and I know his needs and it's great.
    My worry is a night or two together could change the dynamics. Like when you went home with a hot guy and he asked you to stay the night and regretted it later.
     
  13. Q Vee

    Q Vee New Member

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    I think I get it. Right now it's like a long term fuckBuddy/hit-it-and-quit-it deal. You guys do not hang out or shoot the breeze or share "time" together. So, if you spend DAYS alone and/or hangin' out, the parameters change and you begin to know each other on a new level. Your concern then is what if you find out things you really don't like about each other, or one for the other. Then you may not be able to continue things the way have been.

    But, if there is a mutual love (brotherly/familiar/supportive) between the two of you, that may be the part of your connection that will allow the overnight trip to be fine. It may even strengthen it and you may be able to have some quality time to work out these concerns so you guys can be even better connected.

    Again hope it works out for all of you.
     
  14. Charles Finn

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    well i am only 44 but I have been with more married men that i can count AND they always left their wife for me do what feels right to you but remember you already are the other man
     
  15. helgaleena

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    I don't see what the problem is. Love is a good thing. True love would not wish any breaking up of things between the married ones. True love would extend love to include all others in the vicinity. Love does not have to be possessive. Just because I love my dog does not mean I don't love my cat.

    OTOH I'll bet that both of you are keeping your relationship a secret from friends and family and his wife too. That's the only discomfort. She really ought to know about any affair he has, whether it's with another man or another woman, just for honesty's sake. That would be the next step, if there is a next step.

    It may not be possible for you simply because of the circumstances of your social settings. You two lovebirds need to discuss honesty, not ceasing to love.
     
    #15 helgaleena, Dec 19, 2011
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2011
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