What is it with women??????

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by RobNYC, Aug 18, 2010.

  1. RobNYC

    RobNYC New Member

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    Hello,

    Speaking from personal experience, and from countless friend's complaints, I make the following observation.

    When you first meet a women, and she is trying to become your one and only, she kisses you all the time, holds your hand, infrequently criticizes you, the sex is frequent, adventurous and crazy. It stays this way while the relationship progresses from casual dating towards what most women want, a committed, monogamous life together. This is when things typically get all screwed up...
    Next thing you know going out to dinner, vacations, parties, socializing, shopping, the house, the yard and all of life's small trivialities become more and more time consuming and important. The man finds himself being critiqued and ignored. And then, before you realize it, that adventurous, experimental, continually horny girl you fell for ceases to exist.

    This has happened with EVERY one of my buddies. When first dating they would be getting laid in the car, at the gym, blowjobs everywhere, anal sex, bondage, etc, etc, etc. 8 years later the woman, in most cases, "isn't into that anymore"

    I am going through this myself, being the last of my friends to settle down (I'm not married). Most of my friends have accepted this but I will not. I just had a conversation with my girlfriend because for the past six months she thinks I will happily exist with sex twice a month and the occasional blowjob. I continually try, with voice messages, emails, dinners, etc to keep the spark alive. She is trying to convince me that nothing has changed. But, luckily, I have videos of what we USED to do. I watch them and wanted to show her but she refuses to watch. I just told her this morning, after coming home from a trip without her to another dissappointing, lackluster welcome home, that I will no longer make the effort to keep the spark alive. I told her that after months of working at trying to motivate her I feel lousy because she is always tired, has a headache or a stomach ache. I feel rejected and humiliated, and it is only natural that when another woman shows me that she finds me desirable, I will respond. Just as a note: I have not gained any weight, I work out and stay fit, I don't lay around the house watching tv, I keep life fun and active. I am a successful professional and we spend our time together doing a variety of interesting activities.

    I think the problem is that some women use sex to get what they want out of a man financially. I have a child with my girlfriend, I bought her a house and a car, and pay for everything. Her lifestyle is completely reliant upon my finances. Now, she has become accustomed to the life that years ago was only a dream for her (vacation home, boat, cars, country clubs) I only want what we had in the bedroom, I have always been kinky, she used to love it. I refuse to change and told her if she thinks that now I will accept this boring routine sex life she is sadly mistaken. Even though she tells me I'm wrong, I can tell that she is no longer into having sex with me, but if she admits this, and thereby ends the relationship, she will no longer reap the financial rewards of being with me.

    This dynamic is why most of the married men I know that were very sexually active before they were married now have a girl on the side, the wife is the domestic partner and "mommy", the fwb provides the erotic component of life. The wives in these married couples try to keep the man faithful through detective work, and let themselves fall apart physically while they spend their days shopping and lunching. The men know they can, with a little discretion, get away with it because wifey is more concerned with maintaining her lifestyle and doesn't mind if hubby doesn't have sex with her. Hell, I know a few married couples in their forties that sleep in separate beds, mom sleeps with the kids, dad in the spare room. No plans to divorce, no sex either, Pathetic!

    RANT FINISHED!
    (PS I know that sometimes (infrequently) the roles are reversed)
     
  2. HiddenLacey

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    Hmmm, if you have been doing all that you can to keep the relantionship alive, maybe there are other things going on. Does she work all day then come home, clean the house, make dinner, take care of your child... all by herself or do you help her?

    I'm not saying this is the case at all, I'm just curious. There are always two sides to every story. By reading your post it sounds like she has a charmed life, but it's hard to look at a relantionship from only one side. Is she depressed? Does she take the pill? Maybe she just doesn't want sex as frequently as you do?

    As for your generalization of women I will say this.

    IMO, people meet each other and they act different during the mating phase. Some are ga-ga and lovey and want crazy sex. Some pretend to enjoy listening to you scream at the football game and cheer you on "Yay whatever team!!!" Some may pretend to like the music you like, the things you like... whatever. It's all pretend, GUYS do it too! Eventually that wears off for most people.

    The older I get the more I find it's imperative to be absolutely TRUTHFUL about everything when I meet a man. No I hate beer, no I don't want you to slap my ass in public, I cannot listen to another moment of FOXNEWS may we listen to something else? It is important to be truthful and watch for signs of truthfulness in whomever your dating so once the sex fog clears you end up with someone you REALLY want to be with.

    This is just all my opinion of course.

    The sad thing is you have a child together, someone's going to get custody. If she is using you as a meal ticket, you had better hope she doesn't get custody or the meal ticket will continue. Regardless she's in your life forever. I know a guy right now that pays a considerable amount a month in "child" support... his ex wife doesn't work so in addition, he buys their groceries, carries insurance on the kids and pays for day care and anything else they want... just the children RIGHT???!!:confused:
     
    #2 HiddenLacey, Aug 18, 2010
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  3. JulieInNaplesFL

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    Welcome to the real world. That is why there is so much divorce in America now days.

    It's as much up to the woman to keep the spark going as it's the mans.

    I'll always do my part and more if I can. :)

    Eleven years married and still going strong...................
     
  4. Kotchanski

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    She doesn't happen to be friends with the women your friends have settled down with by any chance does she?

    I love how you're picture perfect, never put a foot wrong and neither do your friends, it's all the women that are at fault.

    How about, they don't like the way you think your money means they have to do as you wish? Don't like that one? Maybe your desire for kinky sex has become a bore to them, and they'd like things done their way a little more often? Not that either? Maybe they just really don't like your attitudes...

    I'm not saying this is all your fault, I'm not saying they shouldn't be trying, but if you and your friends speak to your partners with the same attitude that has come out in your above post, it isn't all that hard to come up with reasons that fault may be on the other side.

    Having said that, I'm not one of those women, I'm quite the opposite and went from shy, quiet and timid to being very adventurous and experimental. I do have friends who went the other way though, and as much as their husbands blamed them for the change, they blamed the husbands. Both seemed to think they were obviously flawless though...

    Slightly off topic... Trying to justify screwing around and keeping them to look after your home and kid is pathetic. Try being a little more objective about it and you might get somewhere.
     
  5. Belly_Dancer

    Belly_Dancer Member

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    My ex-husband and I were married for fourteen years and together for seventeen. Our sexual relationship got off to a very strong start, but we did go through a number of "dry spells" over the years. We also had a number of times when the dry spell would end and we would start having sex again.

    The number one reason I didn't want to have sex with my ex (during the dry spells) was that I was either flaming pissed off at him or slowly sizzling with resentment against him for something. It had nothing to do with my sexuality or level of sex drive. It had everything to do with our outside-the-bedroom relationship and how we were getting along.

    I don't think it's all that illogical that if a woman is displeased by a man, even on a very subtle level, let alone a more conscious level, she won't be raging with lust for him.

    When my ex would complain that he wasn't getting any, I would secretly think to myself, "It's not that I don't want to have sex -- it's that I don't want to have sex with you." I didn't say this out loud, though, because it sounds so offensive.

    Issues in relationships can be very complicated and are usually not as simple as one partner saying "I'm doing x, y, and z to try to keep the spark alive."

    That may be true, but there may be other things you are doing (or not doing) that (justly or unjustly) your GF is disappointed with. Depending on her communication style, she might have told you straight out or she might have tried to tell you in more subtle ways. But it's quite possible that she may have only told you once or a few times, and when she didn't feel you listened, she stopped asking and just stayed dissatisfied with the situation, thinking any further discussion was pointless.

    It was this kind of hopeless, frustrated, "the problems are too complicated to be worked out and he'll never understand me but I'm too attached to him to leave" feeling that usually caused me to stop wanting to be intimate with my ex.

    I'm not saying this is the issue in every marriage where the woman stops wanting to have sex. But I'll bet in the majority it is exactly the issue. She is disappointed in you ergo she doesn't feel close to you or doesn't feel her feelings are safe with you ergo she doesn't want to do anything as intimate as have sex.

    Fortunately, my ex and I would come to places where we would grow as individuals, have breakthroughs in our relationship, become more understanding of each other, etc. and then our sex life would pick up again.

    But I want to stress that in the very early days of our relationship when I had constant crazy sex with him, it was not fake and I was not just doing it to ensnare him or to get money (he didn't have any anyway). I was doing it because I wanted to and because it was extremely fun.

    I really resent the implication that women only have sex early on to try to tie the man down or get something from him. And I really believe that in the majority of relationships where a previously very sexual woman has seemingly lost interest in sex, it is a relationship issue, and not a sexual issue per se. And, if the relationship issues are resolved, the sexual issues will most likely resolve automatically.

    One friend of mine really did think she had completely lost her sex drive. She also happened to be extremely frustrated with her husband who did not work but also would not take care of the kids and house.

    Then, she ran into an old flame, and was shocked to discover that her massive libido was still there; it had just gone dormant because of her disappointment in her husband.

    I am not saying it is always all the man's fault that the woman is disappointed. Sometimes she may have unreasonable expectations or a skewed perception of what is going on. In these cases, the only solution really is to bring back open communication (if it was ever there) to the relationship and/or get counseling to try to fix the relationship problems.
     
  6. RobNYC

    RobNYC New Member

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    She has her own home and does not do anything at my house. I have hired help for cleaning and laundry and we usually go out for dinner or just order out. She cooks maybe once each month. She was previously married, the man was the "missionary man", he did not like to fly, or go into the city "too dangerous". or do much of anything other than sit around the house. When she met me it was a complete change of pace for her. I was in my thirties, and we did everything there is to do here in NY: hiking, skiing, boating, plays, opera, nightclubs, salsa lessons, seasons tickets to Knicks, concerts, GO GO GO! It was also a sexual awakening for her, she was very strictly raised, and discovered a new side to herself.

    She is friendly with only one of my married friends. None of my friends share my taste for kink.

    I am not flawless. I have made myself completely self-reliant. I own my own company and answer to nobody. If I don't want to do something I won't, and I can be very blunt. I have lived my life this way because I do not like to compromise, my time is very important to me and I refuse to waste it, even if that means offending people by not always doing what is socially acceptable. If I get angry I express it immediately and unequivocally, then I get over it quickly. Many people find my lack of "social graces" offensive, my friends, however, like that I am 100% honest and never hold a grudge. I also LOVE to have a good time and am constantly planning activities, trips, social gatherings for my group of friends.

    Because I am always the one planning everything I usually decide how we spend our time together. I ask for input but she is always agreeable. She does have a job that requires frequent travel all over the US and abroad. She works from home, I do at least 50% of the child rearing as my schedule is completely flexible. She has an active independent social life and goes out without me frequently, and I do the same.

    As far as most day-to-day activities we get along fine. That is actually part of the problem, we make a great team and do lots of fun things together, with the kid(s), and friends. Its just that we have become a domestic unit, no longer BF & GF that are hot for each other. I am hot for her, she could care less. She is more interested in the socializing and other activities. When we first started dating I was pretty notorious for dating multiple people at one time, having sex at least 5x each week, I gave that up to be with her. Now that I'm hers, she seems to take me for granted, and has forgotten that I am not the kind of person that can handle feeling like my partner is ambivalent about being with me. She doesn't kiss me, hold my hand, or show me affection. It bothers me so much, and the lack of attention is apparent in our sex life. I have told her this repeatedly, orally and in writing, and she continues to leave me wanting. She has a very difficult time expressing herself, and never responds in the affirmative if I ask her if something is wrong. She seems to have disconnected from me. She has a young adult daughter from her earlier marriage,, I am great friends with her daughter, and actually have more conversations with her daughter than I do with her. When I am alone in the car with my GF she almost always falls asleep immediately. We go away almost every weekend so I sit in the car driving for hours with her sleeping next to me. As soon as we get to wherever we're going she awake and peppy and chatty with everyone. Same thing weeknights, I put my child to bed around 9, and when I come up she's passed out on the couch. When I wake her to tell her I'm going to bed, she stays on the couch while I sleep alone. I have discussed all this with her and tried to determine what is going on. Her response is that everything is fine, I know it is not.

    Writing this response I have noticed that I am getting deeper into this issue, my first post was focused too much on other women and money. I am starting to see that for my situation this is true, sorry if I over-generalized. I have created my own monster, if we break up she may fear losing her house and lifestyle, thereby creating a situation where she tolerates me out of fear about what she will lose if we split. I just know that I am here in this relationship, the lack of passionate sex is the easiest issue to identify, but upon further exploration I can see there are much deeper issues going on. I really appreciate the responses, you ladies are helping me with this, thanks!
     
  7. HiddenLacey

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    Well, it sounds as though you have a good relantionship from the outside as far as everyday life, but we don't really know what she's thinking or feeling. I agree with everything Belly Dancer said about her not being happy in some way. Personally if I'm unhappy I'm not having sex with the person I'm unhappy with. Regardless of the reason.

    The fact that you say she doesn't hold your hand or kiss you, makes me think something is missing or going on emotionally.

    The only thing you can do is talk to her about it. Everyone on here who answers may give you various reasons why we think she feels the way she does, but none of us are her. Just remember that the grass isn't always greener on the other side and while you may be able to find another partner that suits your sexual needs you may not be able to find one that suits your other needs so perfectly.
     
    #7 HiddenLacey, Aug 18, 2010
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  8. D_Tim McGnaw

    D_Tim McGnaw Account Disabled

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    The OP is sexism writ large, there are so many misogynistic presumptions and generalisations inherent in it it's hard to know where to start to refute it. I wont bother, I'll just shake my head and tsk.

    Is this what more than 50 years of social change has produced?
     
  9. ManlyBanisters

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    If one makes one's wife feel like a whore (and she does not want to feel like a whore) she will not want to engage sexually.

    A partner, male or female, does not owe 'the other half' sex for anything. To say your partner owes you sex because you provide her with a certain lifestyle is profoundly disrespectful, both to her and yourself. This may be the root of the problem.
     
  10. Kotchanski

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    Ok, this is what I tried to say, but took far too long about it.
     
  11. D_Tim McGnaw

    D_Tim McGnaw Account Disabled

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    Also it has to be asked, is this a women's issue, or an issue the OP has with women?
     
  12. RobNYC

    RobNYC New Member

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    I never, anywhere in my post, said or implied that she "owes" me sex. I mentioned her lifestyle because I think she is afraid of losing it and therefore won't be honest with me about not wanting me anymore. I want my girlfriend to WANT to have sex with me. Because she wants to. Not because she is afraid of losing financial perks.
     
  13. D_Tim McGnaw

    D_Tim McGnaw Account Disabled

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    Oh come now, the gist of your post is "I do my bit, she lives a good life from the sweat of my brow, she used to be filthy, now she's frigid, etc etc, she got what she wanted now I want what's mine". What you don't indicate is what emotional and interpersonal intimacy you share and develop with your partner, in what ways you treasure and nuture the sexual and emotional aspects of your relationship. Instead you talk about all the things you buy her.

    What you're now saying is not quite the same as your OP.
     
  14. DeepDish

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    Perfectly understandable. And men go thru this too.

    But then it can turn into a vicious cycle. Orgasm leads to the release of the neurochemical Oxytocin, which leads to feelings of closeness, bonding, and connectedness between couples. Without that basic feeling of connectedness, the irritations just grow and fester, and the most trivial things can become a source of seething resentment.
     
    #14 DeepDish, Aug 18, 2010
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  15. Kotchanski

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    Brilliant, a scientific reason why women should fuck men even when they don't want to!

    Yes, I get the science behind it, but for most women reaching orgasm with someone while thinking about what an asshole they are just isn't going to happen, and if it does, it isn't going to stop them being pissed at whatever it is you've done to piss them off, it's just going to give you the glorious come back of "Well you clearly don't care all that much about it, else you wouldn't have been fucking me last night"
     
  16. RobNYC

    RobNYC New Member

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    I discuss real world experiences based upon the harsh realities of life, not some idealistic notion of romance. People sometimes stay in relationships because of the material benefits received from their partner. Many women, even after all this "social change", are completely financially dependent upon the man in their life. I know many women whose lifestyle is determined not by their choice of career (if they work), but by their choice of mate. Many choose their mate specifically because of financial and materialistic reasons. Ever see a gross old rich man with a beautiful young girl? Maybe where you live people are too enlightened to engage in such barbaric behavior. I know an absolutely beautiful young gay guy who hooked up with a rich, homely, elderly gentlemen. His lifestyle instantly improved tremendously. Privately he was pretty honest about why he was with his sugar daddy, he also kept a hot piece of ass on the side to satisfy his sexual cravings. To imply that financial factors do not distort the emotional aspect of relationships is unrealistic. Has nothing to do with being misogynistic or sexist.

    If you ever find yourself in my situation, with a partner that no longer seems genuinely interested in you, but remains rather comfortable with the other things you provide, perhaps you'll be a little more understanding. My former business partner, a woman, is quite wealthy. She has had plenty of men she was dating try to get very serious very quickly and has had to defend against that. She asked her fiancee for a prenup and he disappeared very quickly.

    Get your head out of the clouds. Go tsk yourself!
     
  17. Lng_1

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    In jest: A man marries a woman hoping she will never change. A woman marries a man hoping to change him!... as the saying goes!

    The real challenge in a relationship is to continually seduce your partner. This means more than what the OP excuses for his lack of tact, grace, compassion and his complete self indulgence. If I don't want to do something I won't, and I can be very blunt. I have lived my life this way because I do not like to compromise, my time is very important to me and I refuse to waste it, even if that means offending people by not always doing what is socially acceptable. "My time is valuable! I do the planning! I have stayed in shape!" lol It would be commical if not for the fact that I think he is serious. HELLOOOOO! It's not about what you want. Treat her like she wants and she will treat you like you want. You are obviously not giving her what she wants either in the bedroom, out the bedroom or both. My guess is that you will not take the advice given b/c anyone who proudly proclaims they do not compromise, usually finds themselves alone.
     
  18. ManlyBanisters

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    Liar.

    You make one general statement about some women using sex for financial gain - see [ONE]. You list your girlfriend's financial rewards - see [TWO]. You make a statement that directly equates what you have given her to your sexual needs - see [THREE]. You make another direct statement that her admission of not enjoying sex with you will end the relationship (her fucking you is not good enough, she has to enjoy fucking you) and revoke her financial privileges - see [FOUR].

    As I said, liar.
     
  19. RobNYC

    RobNYC New Member

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    I am not looking for a return on my investment here. I only want what we always had, even before I helped support her. If you read my OP I did talk about trying to keep the spark alive, which has nothing to do with buying her anything. She is unresponsive, as I said before.

    Why is it that whenever anybody is upfront and honest about money people respond like they're trying to buy people? I have worked my ass off and being successful is something I am proud of. I spend a lot of money, and live a great lifestyle, and it affects the way people relate to me. That does not mean I am using my money to buy people or sex, believe me I could if I wanted to. But the reality is there, people do stupid things for money and security. And when you are the one who can provide it, people will deceive and mislead you, to gain access to it.
     
  20. Kotchanski

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    Yes it happens, more than most of us would like to believe but you seem to be fixated on this one POSSIBLE factor and ignoring everything else said to you - I suspect because you know any other reason runs the risk of shining blame on yourself.

    Your posts read like you think she's a piece of property, and entertainment system that has broken and money is the only thing keeping it ticking over, you just don't have enough to fix it.
     
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