What is it with women??????

[IntoxicatingToxin]

Another possibility is that you are a monumental bore, or a very annoying person, or a smug git or just plain mean to her in ways you don't even perceive.

I don't know you and I'm not saying you are those things. But I accept the possibility that you could be, even if you don't.

^ What she said.

 

[Enid]

I discuss real world experiences based upon the harsh realities of life, not some idealistic notion of romance.

A fair number of people (some of whom are women) actually like the notion of romance.

Why is it that whenever anybody is upfront and honest about money people respond like they're trying to buy people?

Maybe some people just don't care all that much about money, and/or are tired of it always being an issue. Focus on materialism can be tiring. Some folks consider it déclassé to discuss money or bring attention to it.

 

[helgaleena]

I went back to the beginning of the thread and I have this to say:

You have a child. What sort of father are you? Does the child have your surname? If you had this child, are you thinking of your child's welfare most?

Is your child's mother a good parent? If she is, you need to encourage this and see that the child you have fathered is in the best possible circumstance. Satisfying your own kinks is second in importance to responsibility for the life you have created. If she and the child have a separate home, as you say, you can do all sorts of kinky things in that other place with whomever you choose.

Grow up yourself and get your priorities straight. Sex causes children sometimes and a child is more than an unfortunate side effect; it is a being of equal or greater importance to yourself and your wonderful lifestyle.

 

[D_Tim McGnaw]

I was a broke student for a loooong time. Had plenty of great relationships, still friends with many of my ex gfs. Been told by many of them I was a great bf, just never wanted to marry so relationships could only go so far. Never found myself in the situation I do now. Very frustrated, child involved, don't see many options. It sucks. Don't talk much about $, hide it from most, causes too many problems.

Could it be that my GF deceived me? That I fell for it, and now that she is comfortable that I will not leave her because of the child that she will no longer make the effort to keep me happy? Even though I have tried wining and dining and romance? Could be a possibility....

So the last time you were a good BF was when you were broke and a student? Interesting. It's also interesting that the women you seem to have the most functional relationships with are women you are no longer in romantic relationships with...

You sound as though the fact that your GF no longer seems to satisfy the sexual expectations you have of her has made you paranoid, you seem to be suggesting that the only reason she could have for being in a relationship with you and not having as much sex (or sex of the kind you want) with you as you expect of her is that she is taking monetary advantage of you.

It seems that your personal investment in your self image as a successful well remunerated captain of industry (or whatever) and a demi-porn star is what is undermining your trust in the woman who is the mother of your child.

You need to look to yourself for the answers to the questions you're asking, your self esteem and the narrow focus on a very particular self image you have developed is what seem to be at the root of your disquiet. That you see the mother of your child as a parasite instead of looking to fix the issues you have with your bruised ego is extremely troubling and should give you serious cause for pause and self reflection. Be the change you want to see.

 

[RobNYC]

Another possibility is that you are a monumental bore, or a very annoying person, or a smug git or just plain mean to her in ways you don't even perceive.

I don't know you and I'm not saying you are those things. But I accept the possibility that you could be, even if you don't.

Let's assume my GF believes that I am all those things. Fine. Why does she stay with me? If I felt that way about her I would leave her. Why do you think she wouldn't leave me? Why wouldn't she tell me this when I try to communicate with her?

 

[RobNYC]

I appreciate all the input, even those that are saying some unflattering things. I have always been able to take criticism, but I also understand that you are basing this on my narrowly focused "rant" and really do not know me. My experience in this forum is that many members like to name call and label, which I find amusing, if unproductive. To take me post and define me as a person from it is presumptive. Responding to the post is helpful, to tell me what kind of personality defects I have based upon a few paragraphs is merely provocative.

 

[goodwood]

RoBNYC - TWICE a MONTH?!?! and a blow job every now and then? are you KIDDING me????
i would divorce a woman if this were the schedule.
i know what you mean though...at first its all great and randy. as the guy, you do what you are 'supposed' to do for the woman you love, and boom - it turns into the situation you describe.
it is the fact that i have known - women have wanted to financially gain from marrying me/being with me. there is no disputing this.
conversely; women have wanted financial gain (at their/their family's expense) if they married me. translation: if i married them they would get a shit ton of cash. also, i would also have a bank account additive.
i don't know what to say RoB...i share and appreciate your observations. its true everywhere.
IMO - this is what happens when people just get married so they can get married and settle for whatever they get/can get. its a 2 way street.
and a sad one at that.
i am happy i have not married under such social circumstances.
i feel fortunate to be entirely myself and single at 38 instead of
many times divorced to prove a point.

 

[Enid]

Let's assume my GF believes that I am all those things. Fine. Why does she stay with me? If I felt that way about her I would leave her. Why do you think she wouldn't leave me? Why wouldn't she tell me this when I try to communicate with her?

She has a very difficult time expressing herself, and never responds in the affirmative if I ask her if something is wrong.

Seems like some of the answers to the 1st quote could be in the 2nd quote. Perhaps she has a hard time articulating her desires. Perhaps she knows she is unhappy but doesn't know how to go about affecting the change she wants.

Nothing wrong with wanting more sex with your partner, but it seems like there could be deeper issues here.

The little bit in your first post about telling her you'd just seek out physical affections from others who show interest in you since she isn't: Did you really tell her that? I understand being frustrated but I'm pretty sure if you voiced that aloud the way it's presented in that first post she would very likely be put off and perhaps disconnect from you even more. I can't know for sure because I don't know her, her side, or you; I only have your words in this thread to go by. All in all going by that I gotta say: that's a pretty harsh thing to say.

Could you try counseling?

Best of luck to you and to her no matter what you/y'all decide.

 

[D_Tim McGnaw]

I appreciate all the input, even those that are saying some unflattering things. I have always been able to take criticism, but I also understand that you are basing this on my narrowly focused "rant" and really do not know me. My experience in this forum is that many members like to name call and label, which I find amusing, if unproductive. To take me post and define me as a person from it is presumptive. Responding to the post is helpful, to tell me what kind of personality defects I have based upon a few paragraphs is merely provocative.

Glad to have given you a laugh or two anyway. :biggrin1:

I find it amusing that some people would prefer only to be agreed with and confirmed in their preconceptions and only view positive reinforcement of their prejudices as "productive" and anything else as "provocative", on a discussion board no less. If people have criticised you it is wholly based on the content of your post and is a reflection of the kind of things you have revealed about yourself therein and the actual things you have written and the views you have espoused. Take it or leave it. :wink:

 

[IntoxicatingToxin]

I'll toss in another "in my experience" thing here for ya...

In my experience, when my boyfriend asked what was wrong and I didn't tell him an honest truth, it was because I knew he wouldn't understand and I didn't feel like putting up with the drama that would come from it.

 

[D_Rosalind Mussell]

If one makes one's wife feel like a whore (and she does not want to feel like a whore) she will not want to engage sexually.

A partner, male or female, does not owe 'the other half' sex for anything. To say your partner owes you sex because you provide her with a certain lifestyle is profoundly disrespectful, both to her and yourself. This may be the root of the problem.

AMEN

 

[Boondocksaints]

Well Tom- none of your posts acknowledges ANY flaws in you. You portray yourself as perfect in this relationship... but no one is. We are only hearing your side of the story. There must be more info to make any kind of judgment.

The answer could simply be- she is tired of banging the same guy for years on end. Men and women all experience this. In the beginning of any new romance, our brains emit certain chemicals that raises our levels of dopamine, etc. Sex is exciting and fun. Over time, these chemicals are no longer emitted, but are replaced with different chemicals with different effects such as a stronger nurturing instinct, etc.

 

[Serial Kisser]

Hello,

Speaking from personal experience, and from countless friend's complaints, I make the following observation.

When you first meet a women, and she is trying to become your one and only, she kisses you all the time, holds your hand, infrequently criticizes you, the sex is frequent, adventurous and crazy. It stays this way while the relationship progresses from casual dating towards what most women want, a committed, monogamous life together. This is when things typically get all screwed up...
Next thing you know going out to dinner, vacations, parties, socializing, shopping, the house, the yard and all of life's small trivialities become more and more time consuming and important. The man finds himself being critiqued and ignored. And then, before you realize it, that adventurous, experimental, continually horny girl you fell for ceases to exist.

This has happened with EVERY one of my buddies. When first dating they would be getting laid in the car, at the gym, blowjobs everywhere, anal sex, bondage, etc, etc, etc. 8 years later the woman, in most cases, "isn't into that anymore"

I am going through this myself, being the last of my friends to settle down (I'm not married). Most of my friends have accepted this but I will not. I just had a conversation with my girlfriend because for the past six months she thinks I will happily exist with sex twice a month and the occasional blowjob. I continually try, with voice messages, emails, dinners, etc to keep the spark alive. She is trying to convince me that nothing has changed. But, luckily, I have videos of what we USED to do. I watch them and wanted to show her but she refuses to watch. I just told her this morning, after coming home from a trip without her to another dissappointing, lackluster welcome home, that I will no longer make the effort to keep the spark alive. I told her that after months of working at trying to motivate her I feel lousy because she is always tired, has a headache or a stomach ache. I feel rejected and humiliated, and it is only natural that when another woman shows me that she finds me desirable, I will respond. Just as a note: I have not gained any weight, I work out and stay fit, I don't lay around the house watching tv, I keep life fun and active. I am a successful professional and we spend our time together doing a variety of interesting activities.

I think the problem is that some women use sex to get what they want out of a man financially. I have a child with my girlfriend, I bought her a house and a car, and pay for everything. Her lifestyle is completely reliant upon my finances. Now, she has become accustomed to the life that years ago was only a dream for her (vacation home, boat, cars, country clubs) I only want what we had in the bedroom, I have always been kinky, she used to love it. I refuse to change and told her if she thinks that now I will accept this boring routine sex life she is sadly mistaken. Even though she tells me I'm wrong, I can tell that she is no longer into having sex with me, but if she admits this, and thereby ends the relationship, she will no longer reap the financial rewards of being with me.

This dynamic is why most of the married men I know that were very sexually active before they were married now have a girl on the side, the wife is the domestic partner and "mommy", the fwb provides the erotic component of life. The wives in these married couples try to keep the man faithful through detective work, and let themselves fall apart physically while they spend their days shopping and lunching. The men know they can, with a little discretion, get away with it because wifey is more concerned with maintaining her lifestyle and doesn't mind if hubby doesn't have sex with her. Hell, I know a few married couples in their forties that sleep in separate beds, mom sleeps with the kids, dad in the spare room. No plans to divorce, no sex either, Pathetic!

RANT FINISHED!
(PS I know that sometimes (infrequently) the roles are reversed)

TL;DR

 

[B_subgirrl]

I'm going to reply to this without reading any of the replies because there are now FOUR pages of replies and I don't want any of it to affect my response. So apologies if I repeat anything.

Hope you don't mind Rob, but I'm going to shorten parts of your post to save some space.

When you first meet a women, and she is trying to become your one and only, she kisses you all the time, holds your hand, infrequently criticizes you, the sex is frequent, adventurous and crazy. It stays this way while the relationship progresses from casual dating towards what most women want, a committed, monogamous life together. This is when things typically get all screwed up...
And then, before you realize it, that adventurous, experimental, continually horny girl you fell for ceases to exist.

A large part of this is due to hormones and they occur in both men and women (although they do seem to have a bigger effect in women). Most people, in most new relationships fuck like rabbits for a while, then taper off. Some evolutionary psychologists believe this indicates that humans are evolved for serial monogamy - to be monogamous in relationships that only last a few years at most.

I have been in one of those reversed situations that you mentioned - my ex (he of the low sex drive) seemed quite interested in sex for the first year or so, then he seemed to change, while I was horny as ever. It was frustrating as all fuck so I get where you're coming from. :smile:


This has happened with EVERY one of my buddies. When first dating they would be getting laid in the car, at the gym, blowjobs everywhere, anal sex, bondage, etc, etc, etc. 8 years later the woman, in most cases, "isn't into that anymore"

I am going through this myself,

I'm not sure if you mentioned how long you have been together. If it has not been long, I would suggest to either get out now, or to commit to the relationship KNOWING and ACCEPTING that you won't get the sex you want. If you have been together for quite a while it becomes a whole lot more complex.

I told her that after months of working at trying to motivate her I feel lousy because she is always tired, has a headache or a stomach ache. I feel rejected and humiliated,

Understood! I felt the same, as do most people in this situation.

and it is only natural that when another woman shows me that she finds me desirable, I will respond.

Don't use this as an excuse to cheat. We all have brains and the ability to display some self control. Deal with this relationship before you begin another, sexual or emotional.

I think the problem is that some women use sex to get what they want out of a man financially.

This does occur, although I don't think it happens as often as some men believe. I think the more common scenario is for women to use sex to get what they want emotionally and reproductively.

I refuse to change and told her if she thinks that now I will accept this boring routine sex life she is sadly mistaken. Even though she tells me I'm wrong, I can tell that she is no longer into having sex with me, but if she admits this, and thereby ends the relationship, she will no longer reap the financial rewards of being with me.

This doesn't sound like you care about her a whole lot. I think agreeing to meet somewhere in the middle would be much more fair. And why are you expecting HER to end the relationship when she seems satisfied with it the way it is? Even if she doesn't want sex very often, it doesn't mean she isn't happy with you and your relationship.

This dynamic is why most of the married men I know that were very sexually active before they were married now have a girl on the side, the wife is the domestic partner and "mommy", the fwb provides the erotic component of life. The wives in these married couples try to keep the man faithful through detective work,

As far as I'm concerned this is wrong. Open relationships, fine. Dishonest cheating, not fine. I'm a firm believer in honesty, and faithfulness to any promises you have made.

 

[B_subgirrl]

I just read the rest of the thread.

Wow, you guys were hard on the OP! He has some flaws in his thinking, but I'm not sure he deserved THAT level of negativity!

 

[Kotchanski]

I just read the rest of the thread.

Wow, you guys were hard on the OP! He has some flaws in his thinking, but I'm not sure he deserved THAT level of negativity!

I think people would have been easier on his had he shown any sign of seeing his own flaws, he didn't however and continues to not see them.

Most people have been in his situation, I *was* in the gfs situation where I did want sex, but not with the person in question. I know what my reasons were, and I know that it took me several years to be able to discuss them and start sorting things out, if I were met with his attitude however, I wouldn't have felt I had that option.

 

[longtomsilver]

sort and sweet from me, sitting in exactly the same position.

She's got time to clean the house, she got time to watch her shows on tv, she's got time to surf the Internet, she's got time do go out with her friends, so has got time to do all those other things, but she has'nt got thee time to fuck me.

and then she sometimes has the opinion that if i help around the house more she'll fuck me (not that i have done all that little jump thru the hoops stuff before). How about you fuck me more i'll help more

 

[sexyJenny]

Did you ever think that the reason for why she is still with you might be the child itself? Alot of women will endure alot in a relationship to keep providing stability for their children. To put others infront of themself at the cost of their own wellbeing? I dont know your gf but from what I can understand she can't be very happy. She might not even know these feelings, she might keep them deep down without even realising. To only focus on one side of the problem without trying to view it from different angles will never get you the answers you are looking for. Open your mind up and accept that there is endless possibilities for what is going on.

One of my thoughts is that she might get satisfied somewhere else.

 

[D_Tim McGnaw]

Liar.



You make one general statement about some women using sex for financial gain - see [ONE]. You list your girlfriend's financial rewards - see [TWO]. You make a statement that directly equates what you have given her to your sexual needs - see [THREE]. You make another direct statement that her admission of not enjoying sex with you will end the relationship (her fucking you is not good enough, she has to enjoy fucking you) and revoke her financial privileges - see [FOUR].

As I said, liar.

I just read the rest of the thread.

Wow, you guys were hard on the OP! He has some flaws in his thinking, but I'm not sure he deserved THAT level of negativity!

I'm quoting MB for truth and because as ever her clear and logical analysis is bang on the mark.

As it happens my advice in this thread, given in less than warm fluffy terms (which I thought might be more appreciated considering the nature of the OP's post and self confessed hard boiled realism) though it may be, was given genuinely.

I think the OP is man enough (or should be considering his attitude) to take cold, hard criticism in good part, and to try to see the world from alternative perspectives from his own (which was presumably his intention in posting this thread no?). Had the OP attempted to see his issues through the prism of the advice and criticism of other members who've posted I might not have felt the compulsion to be so uncompromising, but since the record of his posts in this thread is a litany of unexamined and frankly obnoxiously sexist opinions which he shows no tendency to want to confront I felt the point should be made less sweetly.

If nothing else the strength of negativity this OP has roused in some members should be instructive to its author and if he has any ability for self reflection should offer him food for thought.

 

[B_subgirrl]

I think people would have been easier on his had he shown any sign of seeing his own flaws, he didn't however and continues to not see them.

Most people have been in his situation, I *was* in the gfs situation where I did want sex, but not with the person in question. I know what my reasons were, and I know that it took me several years to be able to discuss them and start sorting things out, if I were met with his attitude however, I wouldn't have felt I had that option.

I'm quoting MB for truth and because as ever her clear and logical analysis is bang on the mark.

As it happens my advice in this thread, given in less than warm fluffy terms (which I thought might be more appreciated considering the nature of the OP's post and self confessed hard boiled realism) though it may be, was given genuinely.

I think the OP is man enough (or should be considering his attitude) to take cold, hard criticism in good part, and to try to see the world from alternative perspectives from his own (which was presumably his intention in posting this thread no?). Had the OP attempted to see his issues through the prism of the advice and criticism of other members who've posted I might not have felt the compulsion to be so uncompromising, but since the record of his posts in this thread is a litany of unexamined and frankly obnoxiously sexist opinions which he shows no tendency to want to confront I felt the point should be made less sweetly.

It's all good :smile:. I can actually see where you guys are coming from. I just don't feel the grrrr's as much myself :smile:

If nothing else the strength of negativity this OP has roused in some members should be instructive to it's author and if he has any ability for self reflection should offer him food for thought.

Agreed!